Courage and Toxic

[Starch1ld]

Warning this may be a vent personally from me.

 

Me and Taka (lets call him taka)

have been together for 3 years ad a half. What i can say is that our relationship is very distict. I wish I can look up people who have had our issues and find a relation but I found no luck.

At first it was like how anything else starts for your typical highschool sweet heart and your typical highschool problems.

we meet in a park, go through some dramas , few on and offs, after graduation we are stuck together and its the usual idea that , he would be someone i would naturally be with through college and etc.

HOWEVER

we are not in college.

I wanted to conitnue school but he insisted that we did everything together so here's the plot twist

I never graduated, neither did he. Tried to go for GED- Our issues lead to us not going

I gave up on wanting to go to college since the GED attempt was such a bust

So education is out the window

Now Job wise

He has had hook ups from his best friend and does a good job as a waiter in the resturant business

Me on the other hand never got a hook up, did a resume , did proper interviews, and got a job in retail.

Now let me point out that was all in 2016

now its 2017-nearly 2018

and we stand as One working in another better resturant (same way he got the first job)

and the other (Me) Jobless.

Why? what happened? Our issues happened

I believe we do not have a stable relationship

I ran away from him and stood away from hours - days with the intent of breaking up with him. To which was my dismay that we ended up together again

Obviously I do love him to an extent but not as much as for the fact alone that I literally have to sneak off and run away, That is where my deep feelings hit a wall.

Why do I run? because there are times (Sometimes alot sometimes a little) That we dont get along

and its not your typical squabble. Taka is an arrogant person with a big ego. Yes he has the side to be kind and honest and loving , I mean i didnt fall for a total .

------before going on, there are two sides in my tale, Only to say that to not only look from my perspective if you were to agree with me. think as if you were him and still tell me if 1 and 2 are the same comment-------------------------------------------------

anyways

Theres so much i can say but so little i can come up with right on the spot to type down.

well for to go into depth about how he is

The evil taka:

The being i absolutely hate

is incredibly annoying. He talks down to me , tells me to shut up, unreasonable gets mad with what you throw at him. Dislikes the simple sentence of questioning , takes everything you'd say as an excuse so if you were to say you feel a type of way about something then it would be just an excuse to him. The more time goes into arguing with Evil T the more pissed he gets. Prove him wrong? Thats one strike. Do nothing? Another strike. Say Nice/heartfelt words? Take a guess.

I can say "I dont want to fight with you, I love you. We shouldnt be like this" He would say "Shut up, I dont care."

 

The good Taka

The one i fell for

honest and kind, sweet and understanding

I will admit he did not develop evil T right away it was throughout the relationship but i never took it to heart like that to notice,

Taka is my firs longest relationship so I never took things into consideration to an end. He mostly ended up saying "We are breaking up "this and that.

He always slings those words so easily

 

If I were to use it he would get mad

Taka has gotten to the point that he tends to be aggressive when pissed. Yeah he has punched me before, but not like black eye and bruises. nothing ever that drastic . He used force with me in ways i rather not describe

 

I forgot to mention how he is a hypocrite as well. He gets to talk to all his friends as much as he want on different chat engines

however Im not allowed to associate with my friends only because He dislikes them

Its my fault that he dislikes them aside from the fact that he dislikes the kind of people they are.

They arent bad influences on me. My friends have been with me at least twice about of time of our relationship (6 years and over)

 

I left taka once because I was fed up with how he was being Evil T

and when I think about it everytime I left him had to do with him being evil T

Even now I want to leave him

my only issues are

1. Our real world issues regarding money (we have alot of debts)

2. Taka would find me (like a stalker)

3.I tend to care how he feels when I shouldnt

I learned i need a distraction cause im not supposed to give a damn about a guy im making my ex even though I feel sympathetic

There is so much more I can say about him but I seriously cant think of writing every detail right at this moment . Best I can do is a Q&A or just update this post if possible.

I have spoken with a therapist and she said that my feelings are important

I feel like having a good relationship with him but i also feel like leaving him

its like trying with a rock. I have damaged taka so much It almost makes sense why he is messed up with me now but never did I find it ok that if you love someone you would hurt them that much even if you want to have a life with them.

We do love each other but we have issues treasuring each other

Im personally loving him less and less with each day that passes

I cant stop thinking how my life would be if and when I stop being with him.

I am bored and being with him doesnt make me feel happy. I dont feel like bettering myself while being with him. The only thing I want clear with us mostly is our bills.

I want to walk away and disappear for a while and just not deal with him or worry about him following me or trying to get my attention. I have no way to vent this out or even able to freely express them. writing them on paper is one thing but I want an opinion that is not his.

Sometimes i feel like Im the guy in the relationship and he's the girl

I have the problem that i dont talk about myself much and he expresses it alot

he has alot of feelings to complain about and its as if he's on his period.

he has this priority complex that he has to be the first of everything and its horrible

If i work 3 days and want to work a forth I need an ok from him even though I'd want the extra cash,

He dictates so much of my life . I cant simply watch what I want, see who I want, talk to who I want, nor be my own person. I literally had to choose between him or my friends and whenever I chose to pick someone else but him he would talk crazy like he would threaten me or them and then i get slightly scared.

Yes i have called the cops on him a few times, no he was never arrested

He wants me to forget how i feel and focus on us and so far i keep doing so

Im there with him for another day and things are still

yet the fact that im still with him for another day isnt in thought.

 

He wants to have a relationship with me. A family with me (yes kids) he wants to trust me.

He has good intentions

but he is a , he has anger problems, and even with reason I dont feel comfortable about things with him anymore

He is pushy to the point how i feel doesnt really matter

Im not in a position to deny anything from him

rather to just depend on him even though im a prideful person ( i do try though, at least for the little stuff)

I can see that this is a bad relationship

But Is walking away or shall i say running away the best option i literally only have with him?

[IAmFCA]

In short, yes.

 

This is abusive behavior and it may get worse. Pack a bag so small it's as if nothing is missing. Leave it at a friends house etc.

[bibby12]

Yeah it's abusive

[Starch1ld]

but what can i do afterwards? Its not hard to hide but coming out would be harder. I am concerned how he will take the action itself. Everytime I choose to leave he just ends up being very emotional and heartbroken. He doesnt take care of himself and claims to end up suicidal. He wouldnt eat for days, trouble sleeping, depression, and such. This is a serious cause that he claims that only I can prevent. Everytime this happens I never forget what I want and feel but I also feel concern about his feelings and well being, I can say I still love him from the bottom of my heart. I wish I had the heartless courage to be able to get past this hurdle.

I want to try going to a normal life without him But Im not expecting him to just stay down and do nothing and that is what I am afraid of.

I am fully aware of how I feel and what I want. I want to not care about him in times like this. I want my freedom. But its extremly hard. I have ran away like 4 times in the whole relationship. in those gaps we build things up then I end up destroying it all when I decide to leave. He has told me a few times that I cant just simply walk away from us. That it isnt right that I need to stop acting like a child and face my problems.

To grow up. I sometimes think he is right about that but I also feel like he should take his own advise cause choosing to sit down and break up isnt up to me even if i want to. Even though he knows I dont want the relationship and that fact alone is the cherry on top with how many things could have been prevented if he took that into consideration. However this relationship is more on how he feels, He is the reason we are in one

He is the reason why its still there. He still wants to have it. He still wants "me" If i dont put my part into it then I cant get what I want.

So it seems like no matter how long time passes Im not putting my part in this so I will never be able to be rid of him