Should I reach out or let it go?

[SK123]

Hey guys. 4 months ago my ex and I broke up. It was her decision and mostly had to do with the fact that I was suffering badly from depression and didn't handle it well at all and it was stressing her out. Over these last few months I've been NC. I've been working on myself a lot. I've been in therapy and it's been really good for me. I stopped drinking, I made new friends, got a degree at uni, picked up new hobbies. I've even been seeing other girls but I just can't get my ex off my mind. We had great times together but I was never able to fully give her what she needed because I was too messed up and not in a right mindset at all. Now I've been feeling really bad about everything that happened between us towards the end and I can't stop being mad at myself for not getting help sooner. I really want to talk to her, not even necessarily to try to get her back but mostly just to clear the air between us because things ended on quite a bad note and I hate it because I truly loved her a lot.

 

I'm super torn though. Do I reach out or just let it go?

[SweetGirl28]

It depends on how messy the breakup was.

 

I think it's not a great idea, because you miss her.

Be proud of what you've accomplished, and keep pushing forward.

Breaking NC may set you back of she doesn't reply positively.

 

Has she reached out to you at all since the break up?

[SK123]

It depends on how messy the breakup was.

 

I think it's not a great idea, because you miss her.

Be proud of what you've accomplished, and keep pushing forward.

Breaking NC may set you back of she doesn't reply positively.

 

Has she reached out to you at all since the break up?

 

She reached out once after we ran into each other at a bar. She asked if there was something I wanted to talk to her about because she felt like I kept looking at her. I shut her down and told her that I had moved on. My friend also spoke with her about a week ago and asked her if she still loved me. She said that she doesn't and also that I had already told her that I had moved on so there wasn't a chance anyway. Not sure what to make of that.

[SweetGirl28]

She reached out once after we ran into each other at a bar. She asked if there was something I wanted to talk to her about because she felt like I kept looking at her. I shut her down and told her that I had moved on. My friend also spoke with her about a week ago and asked her if she still loved me. She said that she doesn't and also that I had already told her that I had moved on so there wasn't a chance anyway. Not sure what to make of that.

 

Oh. Okay.

 

She broke up with you, you had the right to shut her down.

She's sounding closed off to everything, so it's best to try to let go.

I know you're carrying some guilt, but you have to forgive yourself.

What will you gain from saying all you want to?

[monsterdrinker]

Congrats on getting yourself sorted. She dumped you so IMO she has to WANT to come back to you. Keep up the NC and move on.

[Andrina]

It's common to still feel for an ex after only 4 mths. of being broken up. Four months is also a short time to achieve permanent results for improvement. Good for you for making those improvements, but I suggest you continue that journey solo for a while without seeking women for a relationship right now.

 

If your depression stressed her out so badly, why didn't you seek help sooner, and didn't do so until it reached a breaking point? Perhaps you didn't really love her as much as you think, but haven't achieved the distance from the relationship to realize it yet. Give yourself a good year for improvements to continue and learn to be happy solo. When you've achieved that, and still feel you'd like to give it another go with her, if she's still single, you can ask her for a meet up and show her the long term affects of your life changes. Good luck.

[SK123]

It's common to still feel for an ex after only 4 mths. of being broken up. Four months is also a short time to achieve permanent results for improvement. Good for you for making those improvements, but I suggest you continue that journey solo for a while without seeking women for a relationship right now.

 

If your depression stressed her out so badly, why didn't you seek help sooner, and didn't do so until it reached a breaking point? Perhaps you didn't really love her as much as you think, but haven't achieved the distance from the relationship to realize it yet. Give yourself a good year for improvements to continue and learn to be happy solo. When you've achieved that, and still feel you'd like to give it another go with her, if she's still single, you can ask her for a meet up and show her the long term affects of your life changes. Good luck.

 

That's really great advice. Thank you.

[hlethorn1]

I agree completely with Andrina.

 

Additionally, until you find someone who can at least meet your needs in the same way your ex did, you will still always think about her as she's the fondest you have memories of - and that's OK. If you keep working on yourself as you have been, your game will increase and you'll be around people much better than your ex; eventually you'll come across someone who will blow her away.

 

That's not to say the feelings won't subside until you meet this person - they definitely will, it just otherwise takes time.

 

To reiterate, don't feel hard on yourself for missing your ex. Your feelings are completely normal. Don't feel pressured to not think about her, just keep focused on yourself, be open to meeting other girls and eventually you'll come across someone who will fulfill you more than your ex - at which point you'll stop thinking/feeling towards her.

 

Stay strong brother.