LessDot Posted December 11, 2017 Share Posted December 11, 2017 Hi! I’ve never registered of posted on a forum like this before, so bear with me and I’ll try to keep this as concise as possible. I’m looking for peoples take on things and would appreciate some your view on this situation with your experience from before. Maybe one for the women as I’m a 33 Y/O guy. My Girlfriend of 20 months, who’s lived with me for just over a year broke up with me just over 2 weeks ago. We’ve known each other for at least 10 years and have ‘admired each other’ from afar via social media for at least 8 years and in February 2016 we just ‘connected’ by messaging one another, went on a few dates and rapidly fell in love. Phrases like ‘You know when you know’ were used all the time. We were both looking for romance and love and upon reflection were both vulnerable, as you have to be when looking for love, as I had come out of a 7 year relationship about a year prior and she was in an essentially ‘long term friends with benefits’ relationship that she knew was never long term. We very quickly fell in love and it was all going so well, as said, phrases like, “you know when you know” were often used. We did all the usual things you do in your honeymoon period, - essentially 2016 was the best year of both our lives. In November of 2016 I asked her to move in with me as I had the opportunity to work overseas and would have gladly asked her to come with me – I wanted to give her the chance to live with me to see what it was like before we decided to move, if that’s what we wanted. I believe her when she said that she was genuinely committed to moving in – she said nothing would change but as we all know when you live with someone things definitely change and I think this was a bit of a hurdle for her to get over. In a nut shell, I applied, got the job but turned it down because she didn’t want to be far away from her family – it was my choice and not hers. She offered a long-term relationship but I said that wound’t work as it was 4 years. I’m glad I turned the job down as a result, so I’ve no bitter feelings about this. A bit of background about us: We both lived very close to each other for the first 5 years of knowing each other in a smallish town of 30,000 people. Currently I’m 33 and she’s 26 – there’s an age difference and she openly admitted that this was her first ‘adult relationship’ and that I was the first guy she’d been with that she’d even contemplated about marrying and having a family with. In my view we’re both great for one another, sure we’re different people but have so many shared interests – the phrase opposites attract comes to mind and we aren’t confusing similarity with compatibility. We both regularly talked about what we wanted from life, we both want the same things – a simple life, shared with friends and family and want this in the next 5 years. We both have good jobs and have a fair amount of pressure to deliver but probably more her than me. We both love each other’s families and we both have good friends (although we don’t really spend much time with one anothers friends – more later). We’d both had mixed relationships before. I was in a 7 year relationship and was cheated upon, she was with in a ‘friends with benefits’ relationship that wasn’t really going anywhere. She openly admitted that this was the first ‘adult relationship’ that she’d been in and we we’re open about our pasts and at the beginning we communicated well. I was deeply affected, as you’d expect after finding out that my ex had been cheating with me – it was a messy break up and we had to sell the house – fortunately there weren’t any children involved (just a cat)! It clearly took its toll on my self-confidence etc and I think as a result I became slightly needy/clingy and did my upmost to ‘impress’ and, upon reflection, showered her with love (Flowers Friday was my thing, I always bought her flowers etc). She’s had a lot of change happen in the last year since we were together. She has had to change her diet considerably owing to a number of ‘lady issues’, last summer she had a promotion at work which I encouraged her to take - she initially found this hard to deal with and I supported her no end (her words) but is glad she took it. Her work had a mass cull of staff which she survived but you understand the toll this can take on someone. She is very close to her family and initially I think she struggled with the distance when she moved in with me (I forgot to add I now live about 15/20 miles away in another town which she and her family frequents on a weekly basis) and I think she thought she was ‘missing out’ on family life. She saw her friends a little less, albeit being the same distance away, as I think she felt she had to spend more time with me as we lived together. The niggle: So from about April/May time this year (so about 8 months) she’s had this ‘feeling’ inside her that something in her life is wrong. She thought it was missing her family – she says it isn’t as she’s had long discussions with her mum about things (My ex is a strong character, that I feel probably doesn’t deal with change in her personal life well and she feels her mum is always of the attitude ‘you can do it but it won’t work and I’ll be here when you come back – her mum IS supportive though and has never said a bad word about me etc), she thought it was her job – she looked at moving job but actually she said it wasn’t as she loves her job, she thought it might be to do with some of her friends which she openly said her relationship has changed over the years before she met me anyway but she doesn’t think it’s that. We’ve been on holiday a fair amount this year and each time after the holiday she’s had a bit of a mini breakdown and in essence said that she thought that we might not be right for each other. The first time in July, she talked to her friend (a 31 year old) who basically said that she things that might ‘test me’ and gave her advice as she didn’t want her to make the same mistakes as her friend. She said sorry and we got back to being us. At the beginning of September after we’d been away in Venice for her birthday for a week we had some time apart (a few days). I guess she needed to see if she missed me and whether she felt like she was missing out of her old family life – in essence she concluded that she was wrong and said that she was so sorry for hurting me and that she had had some home truths told to her by her friends and family and that she was so sorry for putting me through this and that she’d never do it again. She was in tears and sitting on my lap saying that she never wanted to loose me and that all my concerns about being cheated/left/walked out on should go. Her mum said that she felt that she didn’t put 100% into our relationship. She agreed with this as she had the subconscious mind set of a pendulum that had swung the other way – ‘Yes, I bloody deserve this guy and I’m going to enjoy it’ but not put 100% in – as if she’s been owed it for such a long time. At this point I thought ‘Yes! Finally! she definitely wants to be in my life and that we can move ahead’. For the past year of living with each other we’ve often looked at rings for engagement (most recently a few weeks before the break up). We have names that we’d like to call our children and we’ve even got searches on the internet for properties we’d eventually like to buy. When I asked her after our break up she said that all of the times we looked and did these things were genuine and she never once ‘faked it’ – she actually initiated a good chunk of this and I believe she meant it. How it came to a head: We were on holiday a few weeks ago and I asked her the 2nd day in if everything was ok as I sensed something wasn’t right. She burst into tears and asked to go back to the room. When we got there she said that she essentially had been thinking for the past few weeks (maybe even a month and a half) that – despite being ok and that she loved me she didn’t think we’d be right long term. She said she has a gut feeling that she cant ignore and has had it for a while. The one that she’d been looking at a number of things in her life that she thought it might be but can only conclude that it must be us and that we weren’t right for each other. I was gob smacked and didn’t see it coming. Looking back now, I can see some of the signs, however, when I challenged these, they were were described as other things. There are multiple facets that I could go into that bother her about her previous relationships, friendships and ‘old’ parts of her life (i.e. her ex is still friends with her sisters BF etc). I had to ask her upfront, was there someone else? She said absolutely not and I genuinely believe her and since hasn’t demonstrated anything to the contrary. She said that I provide absolutely everything for her and on paper that I’m the exact man she’s after. Tall, dark haired, handsome – great job, great family, everything going for me, EDIT: We have both admitted that we both have the best sex that we've ever had in our lives. We both have such strong 'chemistry' - a the beginning and still today etc etc. and that her head is telling her that she should stick with me. However, as I know women make decisions on relationships based on their emotion, she said her heart/gut is saying that we’re not right and won’t make it long term. She said that she’s teetering on the edge of going screw it and just carrying on as we are, but she said that she’s afraid that she’d wake up in years to come and realise that this just wasn’t for her. Further analysis: We spoke some more, for hours in fact. She said that when we first met, she was so overwhelmed and taken away with me, that I was the one for her, that she left ‘parts of her personality/just her in general’ that she thought she wouldn’t want to bring along into our adult relationship. Essentially, she said that she’s not being herself around me and that she can’t go on in a relationship where she doesn’t put true self first. (She doesn’t mean this in a selfish way, I’m guessing she’s saying that she doesn’t feel like she’s completely being herself). I did the cliché begging and bargaining for her not to leave me, I mentioned that she brings the best out in me and she said that I don’t always being the best out in her. I’m trying not to over analyse what we said as I know a lot of people say things they don’t mean. Alas, we carried on the holiday as normal (minus the sex) (held hands, kissed, cuddled, slept in the same bet etc) and had a few more ‘heated chats’. When we got back late on evening we feel asleep and she cuddled me. I asked if we were still together and she said let’s talk tomorrow. On the Saturday (day after we got bac) I went to see my brother and she went to see her mum and we met in the evening. She surmised and said that the reality of ‘couple adult life’ (I guess with me – I’m the first guy she’s ever lived with) fell short of her expectations. She came up with loads of excuse, some of which hurt - that I didn’t make her laugh anymore (bit of a lie), that we didn’t have fun together anymore – essentially, I guess she’s saying that she’s fallen out of love with me. I asked her what she thought about being with another man and me being with another woman and she said that it’d break her heart to see me with another woman on my arm and that at the moment she can’t see herself with anyone else but me. She said that she didn’t want to string me along by being on a break and that she was breaking up with me. She said that she was 65% sure she was making the right decision and 35% that she was ‘making the biggest mistake of her life’. At that point, she packed a back for a week and left. On the way out I asked her, “what if you realise that you have” and she said “well I’ll be back knocking on your door, and then it’s your choice”. I’m devastated, to go from loving life and having a future together to having the carpet whipped out from under my feet. Soul Searching: I’ve done some soul searching, as hard as it is and despite her saying that it’s definitely nothing that I’ve done and I realise that a number of my behaviours that clearly and influence the way someone feels they have to be. 1) I over-analyse lots of things. I get this from my mum. I think I have a fairly high level of emotional intelligence. My ex is the kind of woman who wears her heart on her sleve and I guess she said that she sometimes felt that she had to act a certain way because she feared I might ‘over analyse’. 2) I was (and still am) so in love that I did the cliché ‘want to spend so much time’ rather than the ‘distance makes the heart fonder – despite travelling with work for a week or so at a time 5 times a year – essentially I might have come across as a bit needy/clingy. 3) Sometimes needed validation that she loved me – this was probably a hang over of my previous relationship. 4) Used to probably shower her with too much kindness – always doing everything/buying flowers etc. I know it’s not completely my fault but I have had a look at myself and I’m genuinely trying to be sensible and make changes to myself for the better. 2 weeks on, she’s only just taking her stuff back to her parents (owing to confusion as to when to come to collect it) and we’ve not really been in touch since (other than to talk about the collection of her stuff). I’m trying to give her some space and taking time for me to get over the initial shock. My thoughts: Now I’m under no illusion that she’s the only woman for me in the world. I know I’ll find love again but I’ve genuinely never had such a deep connection with anyone like this before. I don’t NEED her in my life, I can go on without her, but I WANT her in my life and I feel like if she came back (which I think deep down at the moment I’m desperate for her to do) I’d take her back. I understand our relationship would never be the same but it clearly didn’t work to start with so would have to be different (I’ll calm down and not get carried away). Once she’s finally come to collect all her things (as she still has a key and will leave it after) I want to initiate a Month of No Contact (despite trying to already) so I can get myself straight and get back to learning how to live an individual life. But my gut is still telling me that I want to be with her and that she’s having a bit of an early life crisis and needs some time and space for her to (essentially what I would say) grow up? Thank you if you made it this far and I’d really appreciate your take and thoughts on probably the worst situation of my life. Link to comment
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