He used me yet loves me? God help me...

[opheliafl]

7 month relationship with him. Cute as all get out, melts your heart, playful, dangerous, addictive. First date, winks at me often, I can't look him in the eye, I tell him he's "trouble", and after we hit the hottub it's all over. Within a month he tells me he loves me, I of course love him back, within another he asks me to marry him. Meanwhile money disappears, he blames his crackhead sister, asks me to not start trouble, she'll get hers eventually. We plan a life together, I pay off expensive tickets he has in other states so he can get his license and go to CDL school. We lie at night and he holds me so tight I think I will break. He abuses my credit cards for Christmas to (his family and me), says we'll pay them off when he gets a job at the first of the year. We both say how we need nothing else, and that this is perfect. Money still disappearing. Dreams I had put up on the shelf, getting married (at 35) and having children, we dream about our future life together. Problems with his family and him, our recreational use of marijuana turns to coke. I can take it or leave it, but he begins acting more and more erratic. Has a fight with his family, it all goes out of control, and he is arrested. They find a crack pipe in the car where he had been sitting. His family tells me how he's been using me, how he's had this problem for so long, and all they know he has done to me. He goes into rehab place and swears through tears how he will make it up to everyone, will make it up to me, but feels he has no right to even assume he still has a life with me. Time goes by, no more bad behaviors, I take him back. I put him on my insurance so he can get knee surgery, as his knee is getting more and more painful to use. He starts to look for a job. Out of the blue, the girlfriend he had 1/2 month before we started dating (and broke up with him) shows up 7 months pregnant. He says he can't change this, didn't want it this way, and doesn't want to be with her. He says it shouldn't affect our plans together, but he wants to be in his child's life. I agree to try and live with it, but the other woman (an older lady) is mad with jealousy and threatens to not give him access to the child and calls constantly. I badger him constantly about his love for me and my questions over her. He has the knee surgery. He doesn't come back to our house after, he goes ot his Mom's, she's a nurse. A week goes by and he still doesn't want to come home. I'm on him constantly questionning what's goingo n and to set a date if he wants to really get married. Out of the blue, he admits he smoked a hit of crack that was free. Said he doesn't plan on doing it again, feels bad, but aren't I glad he told me? Money starts disappearing again. All of a sudden he says he needs to get away and get his head straight, is going to his brother's to help him out for 6 weeks before his brother's marriage. He takes just about all of his belongings with him, says he will be back, says we're not over, says he still loves me, says he's not taking his proposal back, says not to get rid of the promise ring unless I want a new one, says I will end up with him in the end, says to trust him that he needs to do this, he's doing this for us, will call me when he gets settled. Now, no calls. Caught him online the other day and asked him to call, he says it's too hard right now, he misses me, loves me, says we still are not over but bristles that I'm asking him about that again (how many times does he have to say it, he asks). I say I miss him, he misses me too. Says he's no good for me, has hurt me, has wronged me, but will always love and care for me. Asks for the toll free number at work, says he'll call me. He doesn't. He said he will let me know if he comes back home for a few days, but it won't be to stay. He'll eventually be back, just not right now. Says he might have a job up there and if he gets it, will send me money.

 

I love him with all my heart. Hopeless though, ain't it? What do I do with all this love? There's no where to put it! I have no access to him and have no control over what happens. Either I get a call or I won't, that's it. I just have to wait. How do I put these newly puffed up and inflated dreams into the box where I got them? Mark on his soul, not mine. I was just loving and trusting. He does love me, I know it. But childhood scars and not being able to deal with everyday pressures, forces him into drugs and the bad conscious drags him down even deeper.

 

He's not coming back to me, is he?

 

 

[Heretic]

I'm so very sorry for your loss. This must have been very hard for you, I can't even imagine what you've gone through. Your strength and tenacity are admirable, but you're going to need them.

 

I don't think he's coming back. I'm so sorry, I wish I knew what else to say.

 

Someone else will come I can promise that.

 

Good Luck, my heart is truly with you.

[Gilgamesh]

Going to do a little NLP on you, I want you to review everything that happened to you but from a third person perspective, see everything from outside your body, look at everything you did he did etc. go over all the details, then do the same from his point of view, imagine that your inside his body looking at you, go over everything. imagine what he was feeling and the reasons he did what he did.

 

This way you can look at the whole incident from every perspective, I think you know the answer, as much as you love this man, you know it will never work out, your more in love with the dream the hopes of what you want in your life.

 

You cannot cure this man, only he can do this dont try and be a martyr, yes you were used, he may or may not really love you, but thats not the point, you know whole heartedly that there is a problem and there always will be one. You say your 35? its not too late, there are plenty of nice men that would love to find a caring loving person like you, (i know, i am one of them) so dont give up, you can still have your dream come true. remember your in love with the "potential" of what your B/F could have been, not what he really is. its time to wake up, and get on with your life.

[opheliafl]

Yeah, that's what my heart is telling me too. I'll be forever hopeful though. I suppose, until my heart gets better or finds another. This is the first love I've been forced to "get over" after getting over my "first love". Funny how each time you find love, it seems deeper and more meaningful than the last and still, each time, you think you'll never survive losing the one you just had. At least now I know you do get over it, but it hurts immeasurably, so I keep forgetting that right now. I just don't understand how someone can truly love someone with all their heart and hurt them anyways...and not stay around to make things right! Some of my confidants say maybe he will be back eventually, but that he's maybe doing a very honorable thing. He knows if he stays right now, he will hurt me again and won't be able to stop. He always said he would leave before putting me through that again. God, I love him so much. I just wish I could hold him right now. If only he knew I loved him enough to survive anything. If I only knew if his lonve was genuine. I guess it's a good thing for me that he's a stronger person than I am. Perhaps not in many ways, but in this one.

[Ac143]

I was kind of in a similar situation as you but my boyfriend was an alcholic and went to rehab, got out, started again, went back in, came out and so far so good I think (don't know not with him anymore) Anyway, I did EVERYTHING for this man.....same as you, he was unemployed, paid to get his license etc...he went to virginia for awhile and I was left by myself, I was heartbroken cause after everything I did, he leaves to find himself??? He does come back eventually and only wants to be with me but, what I realized is he really never changed and the only reason I think I was with him was because I wanted to change him and make him a better person. No one can change an addict. From my experience from going to see him at these rehabs visiting, crack addicts themselves told me that I am lucky he is only an alcholic because it takes a lifetime to over come crack. Saw girlfriends and wives in there that have been with these guys for 5-10yrs and still have hope they will stop. Honesty I think you are too good for this guy, money is disappearing, I think you should just let him go and move on if that is possible. I know it's hard I have been there but, I was dealing with it for 3 years and was able to move on. Hope this helped at least alittle!

Good Luck

[Katelyn55655]

...Please re-read your own post but this time, in place of yourself, envision that the woman in jeopardy is your mom, sister, or a dear friend. What would YOU say to them if you read the post?? This guy is using you! He probably loves you BUT it isn't a healthy kind of love. He took your money over and over and over and you never stopped him. Please walk away from this man and don't look back. When all is said and done, what you have now is a depleated bank account and a broken heart.

 

Don't beat yourself up for falling for this guy. Chances are he is charming as all getout and has conned many women before you. We have all fallen for losers, so what else is new. Accept the fact that you made a mistake but you now have an opportunity to learn from the mistake and move on.

 

I would strongly recommend counseling. Your self-esteem has suffered. I think it bothers you that you choose not to stand up for yourself in the very beginning when you clearly saw he was bad news. Counseling would help you to restore your confidence and self-esteem.

 

I'd also suggest quickly getting a hold of a copy of Rhonda Findling's book "Don't Call That Man." I've recommended her in other posts. She also has a website 'link removed' Please check it out. There are lots of women, including me, who have become addicted to the wrong man and we had to learn how to let go. It's not easy but it can be done and the reward is re-learning how to live powerfully.

 

Walk away from this relationship and DON'T LOOK BACK. Make tomorrow the beginning of your new life as a woman hell-bent on taking charge of her destiny.