7 month relationship with him. Cute as all get out, melts your heart, playful, dangerous, addictive. First date, winks at me often, I can't look him in the eye, I tell him he's "trouble", and after we hit the hottub it's all over. Within a month he tells me he loves me, I of course love him back, within another he asks me to marry him. Meanwhile money disappears, he blames his crackhead sister, asks me to not start trouble, she'll get hers eventually. We plan a life together, I pay off expensive tickets he has in other states so he can get his license and go to CDL school. We lie at night and he holds me so tight I think I will break. He abuses my credit cards for Christmas to (his family and me), says we'll pay them off when he gets a job at the first of the year. We both say how we need nothing else, and that this is perfect. Money still disappearing. Dreams I had put up on the shelf, getting married (at 35) and having children, we dream about our future life together. Problems with his family and him, our recreational use of marijuana turns to coke. I can take it or leave it, but he begins acting more and more erratic. Has a fight with his family, it all goes out of control, and he is arrested. They find a crack pipe in the car where he had been sitting. His family tells me how he's been using me, how he's had this problem for so long, and all they know he has done to me. He goes into rehab place and swears through tears how he will make it up to everyone, will make it up to me, but feels he has no right to even assume he still has a life with me. Time goes by, no more bad behaviors, I take him back. I put him on my insurance so he can get knee surgery, as his knee is getting more and more painful to use. He starts to look for a job. Out of the blue, the girlfriend he had 1/2 month before we started dating (and broke up with him) shows up 7 months pregnant. He says he can't change this, didn't want it this way, and doesn't want to be with her. He says it shouldn't affect our plans together, but he wants to be in his child's life. I agree to try and live with it, but the other woman (an older lady) is mad with jealousy and threatens to not give him access to the child and calls constantly. I badger him constantly about his love for me and my questions over her. He has the knee surgery. He doesn't come back to our house after, he goes ot his Mom's, she's a nurse. A week goes by and he still doesn't want to come home. I'm on him constantly questionning what's goingo n and to set a date if he wants to really get married. Out of the blue, he admits he smoked a hit of crack that was free. Said he doesn't plan on doing it again, feels bad, but aren't I glad he told me? Money starts disappearing again. All of a sudden he says he needs to get away and get his head straight, is going to his brother's to help him out for 6 weeks before his brother's marriage. He takes just about all of his belongings with him, says he will be back, says we're not over, says he still loves me, says he's not taking his proposal back, says not to get rid of the promise ring unless I want a new one, says I will end up with him in the end, says to trust him that he needs to do this, he's doing this for us, will call me when he gets settled. Now, no calls. Caught him online the other day and asked him to call, he says it's too hard right now, he misses me, loves me, says we still are not over but bristles that I'm asking him about that again (how many times does he have to say it, he asks). I say I miss him, he misses me too. Says he's no good for me, has hurt me, has wronged me, but will always love and care for me. Asks for the toll free number at work, says he'll call me. He doesn't. He said he will let me know if he comes back home for a few days, but it won't be to stay. He'll eventually be back, just not right now. Says he might have a job up there and if he gets it, will send me money.
I love him with all my heart. Hopeless though, ain't it? What do I do with all this love? There's no where to put it! I have no access to him and have no control over what happens. Either I get a call or I won't, that's it. I just have to wait. How do I put these newly puffed up and inflated dreams into the box where I got them? Mark on his soul, not mine. I was just loving and trusting. He does love me, I know it. But childhood scars and not being able to deal with everyday pressures, forces him into drugs and the bad conscious drags him down even deeper.
He's not coming back to me, is he?
