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Can't live with him, can't live without him.


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Okay hi. This is the first time I post on this forumn, and the first time I actually read one either. I’m in need of some desperate advice and I can’t go to any of my friends or family because this is kind of a secret. Normally the first person I would go to is my best friend and confidant, but now I’m sleeping with him and, well, that’s the secret.


It started off very innocently. I had known that he had liked me for a while and people where always saying we should get together and I never thought of him that way until he kissed me and it changed everything. Now to put this in perspective, he was my friend for years before this happened and we usually told each other everything about our respective relationships and gave each other advice. But after that kiss my feelings of platonic love shifted to passionate sexual ones and now it’s 2 years later and we’re still a secret. He has asked to be my boyfriend more than once but I’ve never wanted to. It might sound strange but I didn’t want to complicate our relationship with labels and public judgment, and ultimately our demise. So we stayed discrete.


I do love him but it’s difficult. We’re long distance and I see him only for a few months a year. We’re not “officially” together, but he’s made it clear that he doesn’t want to see anyone but me, and doesn’t mind if I see other people, even though I know he says that because it will make me happy and feel more at ease… It would crush him if I did. So now I’m left in this mess where I can’t talk about him to anybody, I’ve never had any complaints until now. I was so content in our relationship, and our “ideal” situation, but it hasn’t done me any favors. Now I’m confused about my feelings for him: I don’t know whether I love him as a friend, or that I’m so sick of having been in a long distance relationship for 2 years already, or just looking to sew wild oats while I’m young and worry about this crap when I’m older. I mean we’re both 21 for god’s sake.


He’s an amazing person, and seriously one of the best things in my life. And I don’t know what to do… I want to be honest with him but I don’t want to hurt him. I want to engage in something carefree and easy for once where I can experience myself for a while, but I don’t want to lose someone who is all a girl is looking for. I’m scared that if I don’t experience what’s out there now, I never will. I know this might be selfish, every girl wants this great guy who is in love with only her… then why do I feel this way? Is this all in my head? Why do I keep coming back to this thought?

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What you're feeling is totally normal. The demise of many relationships at this age is due to one party feeling as though they need some free space/time to explore the world before they settle down properly.

Moreover, given that the relationship is private + long distance, I strongly believe this is not something you want to be apart of at such a young age. I personally was involved in something very similar and it did not end well.

Even though you still love him and are scared of letting go, it seems like your instincts are telling you to break up with him and you must be honest with him that it isn't coming from a bad place. Yes, it will probably break his heart but everything happens for the best and maybe things could work out with you two later down the track.

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