Losing the woman I have loved for 7years...

[needalittehelp]

Hello!

 

A little backstory. I am 30 and she is 28. We have two children aged 6 and 2,

July of 2016, after being together for 5 years, she became very frustrated at my lack of attention to her, and lack of helping around the house. She did all of the housework and things that needed to be done. We both worked and our relationship with the children was fine. She held in all of this and it all exploded in July 2016. her problems were I simply didn't show her enough attention. I would stay up late and play video games instead of laying with her at night. I would skip out on snuggling on the couch and watching movies. I didnt't really LISTEN to what she was saying to me and i would forget things. I would be listening but not paying attention to the details.

We reconciled and I changed some things about myself to help her more and be more attentive. We began making dinners together and things were good for about 3 months she said, so this would be around December or so of 2016. That is when she started feeling that things were getting worse but again, she kept to herself and though that things would get better. In February of 2017 we decided to move to another state. Things were good and getting better (her words) during the period from February to August (our move date). When we moved, our initial plan got upended and she was a stay at home mom again for close to a month. Everything was always clean because she is quite OCD and i really never had to worry about having to do anything. Now, the last month or so I have been in my own kind of funk, and possibly even mild depression. That's no excuse at all, just the facts. I have fully not given her attention, I make a point to lay with her when she gets home from her almost 14 hour work days and sometimes i will get back up after. Or sometimes I would not lay with her. I would of course tuck her in and kiss her good night, but not nearly as much as I should have.

 

Now as of two days ago, she has informed me that once again she is not happy. The kids, our apartment, her job, and the place we live, all make her happy, but i unfortunately do not. Our current situation is we live together. That won't change at all anytime soon.

 

I love this woman with every ounce of my being. I would lay down my life for her in an instant. I just have my priorities mixed up. I dont mind helping around the house, and i find myself now feeling how she must have felt. I literally cannot sleep without her there. I constantly think about her and i never even realized it. Now it just hurts to think about it, because of everything going on.

 

I have talked to her since and asked her not to give up on me. Her main issue is we have done this before and multiple times. Things get better but then they slip back into the bad area. We both don't really communicate when things are getting bad so they get kept inside and ultimately blow up. So I know this time around we have to communicate much better. She has said that she doesnt think she can be happy with me and that she doesnt want to get back together and within another couple of months or even years, not be happy again. She is simply tired of that happening.

 

My question and search for advice. How can i show her I care and truly truly want to be with her and enjoy her company, and want to be the fiance I can be, without pushing myself on her. I know I need to give her space in this difficult time, but my fear is that she will get the space and her feelings will truly fade away. I know the feelings we both have are there...they are just seperated by this wall I have created.

 

I can be the man she once knew and be there for her. That is 150% what I want to do...

 

Our anniversary is in two weeks on Nov 4th. I had actually planned an elaborate thing but that obviously cannot happen now as it seems like it would be very burdening all at once (i tried that once before and it backfired gloriously). I have planned something small, no love letters or ultra displays of affection, just a nice daytime date visiting an overlook at a local mountain and then attending a play (a sherlock holmes production which she loves).

 

What I am really looking for, and please if any clarification is needed or you dont understand the dynamic I can try my best to explain, is some advice or knowledge about what should I do.

 

I have known this woman for almost 14 years and we have an incredible story of how we met and how we actually started a relationship. We have had bumps along the way but also had amazing memorable times. I cannot lose this woman to my own stupidity and selfishness I would do absolutely anything. She is what makes life worth living for and the reason for me. She is everything.

[Witch]

Take the time to go to counseling, if not couples then just for you. That's a start, and it's also a start of showing her this isn't like the first time around or just not noticing or understanding. You're in a funk and you need to be open with her and everyone else about it. Taking the time to specifically address the root of the problem, even if it's personal or emotional etc, shows a lot more dedication and truth then layering on flowers or extravagant materialistic things. It sounds like you guys have gone through a lot together, and I can understand why you strive so hard to keep her. And I do believe you love her, without a doubt, but to get you guys back on track you need to fix whatever is bringing you down can causing this wall first.

 

I don't think you're stupid and I don't think you're selfish. I think you're a typical person in a funk in a typical relationship. Things like this happen, we're all human and we're definitely not perfect. I think she does love you and care about you, I don't think she would have gone so long not saying anything if she didn't.

[needalittehelp]

i think counseling could work, but the cost may not be an option and I would be scared to even mention it. I'm not sure she is in the place (at this point) where she wants to repair anything. She is tired of being happy for a period of short time, only to be right back unhappy with my lack of affection. I actually attended counseling the previous time, and it helped.

 

However, the difference this time, i believe is the resolve I feel she has. There were no tears on her end, or sadness (that i could see)this time. Those tears are long dried up and she's ready to let go.

 

I have to show her that i genuinely WANT to love her and in fact do love her. It's just hard when i know in the back of my mind that she doesnt really want me to show her anymore, because at this point in time she doesnt care.