Dealing with breadcrumbs during my self imposed no contact

[bladerunner]

Hi, im new here. I've read many threads and applied several of user's advice to my own situation. I've learned alot about myself during this month post break up. I've also learned alot about her, through my own epiphanies. Most importantly during this month I've learned what I will be okay with and not okay with in future relationships.

 

Context: We've known each other for more than half our lives, starting from middle school. We were not too close during those days (middle- high school), but became extremely close in college (more than 600mi away from our hometown). I was two years into my college years, as she took two gap years (myself a junior and herself a freshmen, though we're both the same age.. 20,20..21,21). Soon after realizing we both crossed paths again, we became more friendly, hung out with each other, and saw each other pretty much every day. We had take out, watched movies, went to campus events, had dinners in the city and so much more. Eventually after a few months of hanging out regularly we began our relationship. It was great times! Our campus is smack dead in the center of the forest and we were surrounded by beauty. Hikes were a regular thing. Hanging out with our friends in the forest and on the beach became the norm, and enjoying the little beach-towns attractions and company kept us going. Good times indeed. Aside from those times, we regularly spent time in the library together studying our asses off for our midterms and final exams. We both liked to take our studies seriously, one of the many reasons I fell in love. We both have a strong determination to better ourselves and be the best that we can be. Her positive demeanor and energy lifted my spirits in times of hardship. She is a genuine girl and I have never met anyone so pure and sweet like her. Im not trying to put her on a pedestal, Im just saying that Im really glad someone like her found her way into my life. I came out better because of this relationship and Im ready to keep going and flipping the pages in my life's book.

 

We dated for 1 year and 5 months, almost 6 months. Almost doesnt cut it tho!

 

Break up: After my graduation from college everything seemed to go downhill in my eyes (post break up analysis). She became more cold and distant to me. We spent a month together living in my house before I returned to my hometown. At the time I thought everything was great! We walked to the beach every day, talked at the dinner table for hours, cooked together, but also gave eachother our own space and alone time. After completing my tasks for the month (securing housing for the next year), I went home. It was a normal goodbye, a see you later. I came back to my college town to spend her birthday with her a few weeks after I left. During that time, I packed up the house and moved things to my new location. We spent her birthday together and had a good time with friends (so i thought). After we both returned to our hometown following her birthday, her mother says some snarky comments to her the day she returns about me. Two days later, shes crying on the phone to me about how she agrees with some of those comments (to be honest I've blocked out that conversation so i dont even remember what she said).

 

Well, she is leaving for around 3 weeks to visit another country. She was incommunicado during the time so we hardly had any contact, except for the occasional 2 minute face time. Wifi over there costs money per the hour. During that time the comments ate away at me. I also think that during that time, she was thinking differently of me, beginning to change. To this day I do not know what happened in that country. Could she have cheated? Could she have wanted to pursue someone but felt like I was holding her back? Fast forward a few weeks, shes back in our hometown.

 

Clearly she has changed. The look in her eyes arent the same anymore. Its difficult to keep conversation with her. She pulls her hand away after I try to hold it. She doesnt seem interested in being physical with me anymore. I still gave it my best effort though. I was confused. I asked her to be honest with me as the change in her personality towards me made me feel uncomfortable. I called her and she broke down in tears, oh man this is it huh? Well she did not end it there, but almost did. (It wasnt until reading these threads POST BREAK UP that I realized that she has been combatting the should I/ shouldnt I break up with him thoughts).

 

One day later she leaves for the college town and I go over to say goodbye and give her a gift that I've had for her for months. She seems reluctant to give me her gifts from the country she visited. It felt like a goodbye gift. I wish her and her parents a good and safe trip! It was an awkward encounter to say the least. I felt like I wasnt welcome. Her eyes stared into mine without any emotion. I tried my best to give her space during this time as I knew that moving in was a difficult and stressful time. I called her once a day at night to say goodnight and see what shes been up to etc. Her answers were brief and cold. She ended the calls two minutes into conversation. I began to prepare for the end of the relationship a few days before it actually happened.

 

The day comes and she face times me. I've blocked out this part of the conversation because I was literally shocked it was happening. And over the phone? I was to be coming back to the college town in just five days. I realize that she did it to safeguard herself from feeling guilty upon seeing me upset. But man, that was the first time I've felt so unimportant... and by her hands.. i never would have thought. During the face time, I was so disoriented, but i managed to have a conversation with her. The phrases its not you its me, i need time to grow, best for both of us etc were thrown out there.

 

post break up- we texted regularly for a few days after (but not as much as before, significantly less). upon my return to college town, i began to become irrational. Being in my environment surrounded by things that reminded me of her made me lose it. I did the begging, pleading situations and called a few times. But of course she wouldn't answer. A few days after being back in my college town, I had to return home for an emergency. I reached out to her a few days after my outburst and shared the family emergency... seeking out comfort from her, but she didnt reply at all. That helped me move forward a bit as I realized that she did not give a crap about me in the way she used to. Well, I didnt talk to her until I returned back to college town to retrieve my things (timeline-- this is two weeks post break up). Retrieving my things was the last time I saw her. It was a confusing encounter. She wore some gifted earings I gave her, my favorite perfume, and a nice dress. She gave me multiple hugs, tried to hold my hand and looked genuinely really happy to see me. Two days after that we exchaged our final text messages.

 

One month after the break up i realize the importance of no contact for me. It allows me to heal myself and make peace with the wrongs in the relationship, and to learn from them. I am now 11 days into no contact and i'm feeling kinda weird. I've received a few breadcrumb texts like "hope all is well, how are you?" and even one text asking me to "hang out, that she would love to set up a date".

 

I don't really know how to proceed. I know that every time i talk to her I feel like i m taking steps backwards. At this point in my life I cant afford that because im focusing on the grad school process. My heart wants to feel like I did a few months ago, in her arms and wrapped in her love. But I cant force someone to love me. My brain says to keep going and do whats best for me, regardless of how her thoughts change toward me. Ultimately she is the one who decided to walk away.

[Careerchoice]

You proceed by staying in No Contact and making your life as great as humanly possible. After a ten year relationship where I was married for six, I received three months of breadcrumb texts. I didn't respond to one. How did I do it? I saw the texts for what they WEREN'T: they were not an attempt to get me back. My ex was just expressing her sadness over our relationship ending. Yours just hasn't completed the process of letting go; that will only occur once she finds another guy who captures her heart.

 

Start talking to some other girls. Just talk to them. Isolating yourself from them, like many on here recommend, has the effect of glorifying your ex in your mind. You need the reminder that there are other women in this world to take the focus off of her. You're not looking for a new gf at this time. There is a large grey area in between.

[willdation]

I always see this term "breadcrumb" and I think it really devalues the other person and is incredibly cold....Like common, the person probably loves you and is not trying to "fill some void and use you" but misses you and wants to still have a connection....I don't think you are the victim here.....Lots of people after a breakup with someone they care about are just hoping that things will change and get better....You ever been dumped by someone you loved before? Just think about that....

 

Just treat the person with respect, understand the feelings behind it, and if if interferes with your life soooooooooooo much, then just tell her it is not the right time to be in contact....