Great sorrow over her departure...

[Fettsei]

My girl left in early June of 2017. We were together for 2 1/2 yrs. I write here to vent and help ease my sorrow.

 

She is 47 and I am 43. Our kids loved spending time together. It was a blessing to have both time alone and time with our children after our seperate divorces.

 

We met in 2015. We drew quickly together and no woman has ever looked at me with such appreciation and love and excitement. The first year was great. We lived in seperate houses and after 4 1/2 months our kids were introduced. We enjoyed vacations and frequent weekends with and without kids. We often spent Wednesday nights together as well.

 

2016, the second year was great as well. I really began to feel that we were exploring what it would mean to blend our family.

 

There were complications in the shadows that seemed to continue. Her ex was taking her to court for modification to custody of their son and constantly trying to get back with her. Their marriage ended over his secret long term affair, and when I came on the scene he began to pursue her again 6 months into our relationship.

 

I listened and tried my best to understand. She became slowly distant at times, but we still remained with fun times and intimacy. I noticed sometimes she got irritated more easily with me.

 

Her ex sent flowers, she would tell me that he invited her on trips. He would tell her he was trying to put the family back together but she was too busy spending time with me and my children...

 

So he continued and I remained steadfast. She largely ignored him in the beginning, but as time went on I suspect she told me less and less of what he was telling her.

 

This woman became the closest friend I ever had. We were best friends and lovers. She has the heart of a servant, and loved making breakfast in the mornings. She loved quality time and physical touch. We played acoustic guitars together, she sang beautifully, and I accented her with my guitar lines.

 

She treated my children with nurturing love reading bedtime stories on the weekends at spend the nights. We cooked together.

 

She is a cancer survivor and her vivacious outlook on life is intoxicating.

 

After work, I frequently stopped by her place and we would share a beer on her back porch overlooking the water. I listened about her day and loved hearing her stories.

 

She is a great tennis player, and I am a good artist, a painter and art teacher. Together we had great times and passions and apart, powerful passions in our hobbies and pursuits.

 

She told me that she just wanted to move on with her life, but the stress from her ex and the modification lingering in court as they fought drew a wedge between my lady and me. I experienced additional stress at work, and my grandmother died triggering the recent loss of my Dad who passed away in 2014. These pressures began to take their toll.

 

I made a mistake. I asked her in January of 2017 how she felt about where we were. I should not have asked. The woman will tell you when she's ready. From there I feel she slowly began to retreat.

 

The pressures mentioned above quietly ate at us. We still laughed and played and lived, but I could tell she was pulling away. I pulled back a bit. Since we had our seperate places it was not hard to do.

 

She went on a trip with her son in June and when she returned, I thought we were getting into a week and a half with no kids for fun times. Instead she broke up with me.

 

I saw the summer as a way to draw close again. I was shocked that we had no conversation that would allow us to work on things. She had pretty much already made up her mind. She was leaving.

 

We spoke for hours on the day of the breakup lovingly, crying. She said I listened but sometimes wasn't present, that I didn't come through on courting in the way she had hoped. I expressed my frustrations over her ex. I asked why she was doing this to us and she said she didn't want to but that she had to. She said she should be on fire but she wasn't for me like before. She said she felt disconnected and had a loss of passion.

 

Strangely enough, her ex dropped the lawsuit a week before the breakup. Hmmmmm...I found this out by looking it up as public record. She was not forthcoming about this when I asked.

 

Over the summer we spoke a few times. I read tons about relationships and listening. After a month of no contact, I did begin texting and talking again with her on the phone after she reached out. At the initial break up I told her I could not be her friend, but we started talking and she still asked me to be her friend.

 

Then, when we spoke i wondered if being friends would allow us to spend time together. Eventually, we went out one night. I put together a great evening. We had fun but her body language clearly showed little interest. This happened over a 2 week period from the time we had been speaking again.

 

She told me she could only offer friendship right now. Days went by and then we spoke and she shared about a guy she had begun talking too. She said she wasn't sure how she felt but it was nice...I told her I could not be her friend any longer.

 

I told her I loved her and wanted to work things out and for her to only contact me if she changes her mind. She cried. She said she understood. This was the hardest thing I ever have done.

 

Looking back I wish I would have just stuck with the initial decision to not really be friends or talk to her. In the breakup she said she didn't want us to tell the kids together because it would be harder. My kids hurt because she never said goodbye to them. That was why I tinkered with being friends when we spoke again.

 

So tonight, I know I can't call her anymore. I have to walk and never look back. My children carry sorrow. I carry sorrow. My heart is heavy.

 

At this time, I don't believe in the stage life has set for me.

 

I ask God...Why?

 

I lost my best friend. I made mistakes by holding back at times. She made her fair share of mistakes too.

 

I do though feel she concealed things from me in the close of the relationship.

 

Prior to this in my previous marriage, my ex wife also had an affair and left me for another man. She married him and now he's the step father of my children half the time.

 

I thought when I met this beautiful woman, that it was God's way of revealing why I had gone through that hell with my ex wife.

 

Now, I reflect on myself to understand why I lost both of the women that I loved. Being too nice and accommodating = beta behavior. That's not attractive. My anxious attachment style coupled with avoidant attachment style in these women doesn't help either.

 

Those are logistics.

 

What hurts is the raw feeling.

 

The loss of a good woman's presence in the life of me and my kids. It's also a trigger for being rejected in my past divorce.

 

I know I need to shed the idea of the myth of "the one". But that's easier said than done. My girl who left, my beloved, is flawed tremendously, but her beauty remains bright and shining. Sometimes because of the backstory and how far she's endured already.

 

I became her ally. I never thought she would find me expendable in the midst of all the other variables in her life. But that's what happened.

 

I was abruptly discarded.

 

So tonight I see two sides to this woman. The one I fell in love with, and the one who quietly fell out of love with me. Day by day I slowly heal, but I see her where I work sometimes, and it tears me apart all over again.

 

I know I must move on. Idk how. I bought 2 books on detachment. How to detach in love. It's hard to understand. I read them and ponder.

 

I know we must love others in such a way that they feel free. Unconditional love, I truly feel it for her. I have forgiven her for the breakup, but the weight of the sorrow is unlike any I've known.

 

It takes two. Right now, Im the only one invested. So, I proceed day by day haunted in my mind. I have managed to meet some new girls and see some interest, but I know where my heart resides. So I hesitate to ask these girls out.

 

I would love to have another opportunity but I'm not sure my ex is the type to offer another shot. I know it's on her to contact me at this point, otherwise I'm chasing. So I wait, but I need to learn the art of waiting while having fun.

 

Lonely is different than being alone.

 

I was alone before my woman and felt fine. I need to get back to that. Now I feel lonely rather than alone and that's not healthy.

 

So what should I do with my mindset? Hope for her return while letting go? Or just let go?

 

Hope can become a prison.

 

I struggle.

[glitterfingers]

I think you've done all the right things. You needn't be so hard on yourself. Loss is a part of life and love, and there is some beauty in being able to love without needing to own/keep (a thing, person, place etc)

 

You seem like you are on the right path in terms of the self-discovery and personal growth that follows this kind of loss. You say you are struggling, but you seem considerably grounded to me. You will be fine

 

I like your writing, too. I find writing can be extremely cathartic in times like these. You should do more - maybe channel it into a different topic to help ease your pain. Write abstractions or write something for your kids. My mother kept diaries that I managed to get a hold of after she passed away, and they were invaluable to me

[romjrom]

Oh man, I could've written that about myself (similar age as you) and my ex-gf who I felt was the answer to my prayers following my (bad) divorce. Very similar story, including her going back to her ex (but only as a crutch) because that was easier for her than to invest herself more in our relationship. I didn't tell my kid anything, they once in a while exchange texts just hi and hello and when asked when we'll see her I just say 'I'm not really sure, she's pretty busy these days' over time it's gotten better for my kid. Kids are very adaptable to situations you just have to guide them in a positive way. I try to keep my smile and spirits up around my kid but I know it can still be felt a bit. But for your kids' sake you have to fake it till you make it.

 

We all make mistakes in relationships so don't be hard on yourself, the person who loves you as much as you love them will communicate, put effort into fixing the relationship than walkaway. Happiness is not the absence of problems, it's how you deal with the problems. Also, a good relationship is based on honesty, trust, respect and communication. If you're missing any of it it'll fall apart when life puts it through its paces.

 

For now, the best advice I can offer is to find the courage to get out of the victim mentality, see her flaws and faults and tell yourself that this isn't what I ever wanted but it's what I got. I deserve to be with someone who would be willing to give to the relationship as much as I was willing to. Give yourself time to heal, it won't happen in a few weeks but each day you check off on the calendar you'll find the encouragement to move on.

 

Be strong for your kids, be their rock in life that they can lean against- it should be your main purpose in life. Be kind to them and yourself.

[Fettsei]

Thank you for replying. I have read these responses and find them helpful. I know I wrote much. I appreciate your time and helpful thoughts. I do miss her, she was my best friend. But she did stonewall in the end and refused to meet me halfway.

 

To let go...

 

It feels like a moment when you let your oar escape your hand and now the current will carry you. I don't like it.

 

Time waits for no one. We have to redeem the time.

 

Joy comes in the morning...or is it after the mourning? Haha

[Fettsei]

I am struggling still.

 

I have not spoken to her for awhile. Sometimes I see her unexpectedly at work and neither one of us acknowledges the other. I look away. She ignores.

 

It tears me apart. This was someone I loved deeply.

 

My countenance is affected. I am trying to forget about her, but I feel terrible about not saying anything to her. It's not in my nature.

 

She's mad and angry that I won't be her friend. Being a friend is not what I want. I want the opportunity to work on us and told her as much. (We never had a discussion about her starting to feel different.) She says she is sorry for not giving us that and tried to sort it internally on her own. But it manifested instead as an abrupt break up.

 

I feel that if I say anything (like I feel terrible, I hate how things are) it is from a position of weakness. I know I can't be her friend, but being a stranger is no good either.

 

There is no action or words that indicate she would want to be together.

 

The last thing she said to me..."This is what's best." When I asked, "This is what you want?"

 

I don't speak much to anyone about it. I don't sleep well at night anymore.

 

It's like I'm trying to make my heart calloused towards her, but I never stopped loving her. So, I feel confused and conflicted.

 

I try daily to detach. She was my best friend and lover.

 

I imagine horrible things like actions she takes with another guy either now or in the future. Then it seems easy to let go. Then, I remember our memories that are good and I fall back into wanting to be in her presence.

 

This can happen in my thoughts throughout the day. I'm working solving things in my career, things with my kids, but I can't remedy these recurring thoughts that linger.

 

She left June 9th. It's September 6th. Our 2 1/2 year relationship is over and I'm still lamenting.

 

I'm frustrated in so many ways.

[EtrnalOptimist]

When kids are involved, the severence of the bond is even harder. You are doing all the right things, even if at times you doubt it.

 

It will take time - how much depends largely on how you treat yourself in the meantime.