Resentful of my fiancé, feeling powerless

[Dajlydajly]

i feel resentful towards my fionce and feel unimportant to him

I met my now husband 3 years ago....he is 20 years older and no he is not rich.

i feel kind of angry of him and i resent him. I am angry at myself too, very much.

I have met him after a bad relationship with NPD. I was happy to be with such a man after all that i been through. he is an amazing guy,all people love him, my mother constantly tells me he is a good man, he helps everyone and he has a good heart. But one thing. Hes coming from family where they fighted a lot and so he hates to fight, so basicaly he hates comfrontantion and prefer say things passive aggresive way/lies, he can be manipulative. I am coming from alcoholics family but i am afraid to make and stick by boundaries. Im controlling (but not overlyyy) I know how to be asserive and learnt to ask him questions so i get what exactly i meant to know from him . However.... please keep reading

 

there are certain things that happened during the three 2 relationship that are bugging me and makes me question our future and his reason to mArry me/keep me.

When we were dating exclusively, he told me he never been married or have kids and that he is 45. He said hes serious relationship ended 7 years ago and that im his first serious gf after it. I moved to him after time and found some dusty things in his house that was his ex gf. Also her naked photo i wanted throw up from. I never mentioned it to him as it was hidden in room where all kinds of trash is and truly didnt want to see him my reaction, jealousy and disbelief. Generaly when mentioning his ex-questions... it looked like he has still hard feelings or even feelings for her bc he was so misterious. somehow i was jealousy of her, because i felt that he seemed her as being something TOP and special if he had taking this naked photos and keeping them like some art. I dont personaly think she was more beautiful , attractive or emotionaly stable person, so it is not that i would be jealousy of this women.maybe shes nice. I feel jealous because he barely takes pictures of me or compliment my body or flirt w me..( when i flirt w him he doesnt react or return). and because i think that when i found out all her stuff after so many years, he had to be really into her to dont throw it away before he moved in me. It offends me.

I would assume it was also only a girlfriend... but my sweet neigbour one day told me I am so much more nice and gorgeous that his ex wife who was probably HPD or had some other mental Illness and left him when he lost money. If thats the true. So he lied about mever being married while he was for two years. Well i also wouldt be proud but wouldt lie lol.

Meanwhile... at beginning he met my parents and told them hes 45. i seen that on his id it says 55, He said thats because in past he had to change Id info bc of some court crime (not his) and he wanted to be protected.... i wanted see a birth certificate, so he did gave me that too, where was his age counted on 45. I was really suspicious, my friends didnt believe and me too. Even though he was looking younger "at that time", not 10 yars lol... than one day i just had enough and get out of him, hes really 55. So he basicaly made a fake certificate to prove me he is not a liar, he lied infront of my parents (at least they didnt care) and friends about his age. He said he was extremely insecure bc i am so younger. But i didnt see he is even little embarrassd of himself. Yet i forgave him

 

Also i found he is writting to some mans forum. When i say mans, i mean anti feminism forum. Forum where man helps others man how to get laid, and grab about womens, understand them. He told me he went there after his break up with ex (here we go again) when he was very angry of womens..?

I told him i hate the forum bc it is humaliating for womens, and dont want him to be there if he wants to be with me. Yet after a few months he would go there behind my back anyway. Probably some kind of fun i said to myself and told him fine. Be there but dont do this behing my back. Which was the dumbest thing i did because it actually trully bothers me. It offends me he reads about stories some guys describe how he got this women or what do next, or my fiancé would reccomend them what to do. Ugh it makes me sick just writting it now. Its just disgusting forum to me personally and im disgusted of him. And now i dont want to take it back because im very afraid he will not take my word seriously or it wouldt change much. Neither i dont know if thats my right to want it from him.

 

Well... and than he proposed. Without a real diamond ring. (Like some beta male from the forum haha) But with ring of my favorit little stone. Which is nice. Really. I just hate it to be a ring for my first proposal.... Eh

he knew it was my first proposal and he would be the man i marry for a life. Im surprised he didnt save money for my ring. I understand his financial situation was not the best.... but my friends who are much younger and poorer save thousands so they will do best proposal for their women.

He said that he will buy me real diamond later, but i am already suspicious it will be some cheap diamond from amazon or used and i will be even more dissapointed. Its already few months and its weird to get additional engagement ring. for those who say- i domt care if i got ring or not. In my country, it is a way to say how much man really "give up" for marriage. Ring is way to show how precise the women is for him. And i like it. If anyone is thinking something else, i respect that too.

 

And lastly... age differences. I was asking him what will be with me when he dies. That its not fear to me...what he expect me to do when im 50 and hes 75... i told him i dont want to die alone. And he said he doesnt know whta to tell me. He feels healthy and will keep taking care of himself. That he thinks he rather have good marriage few years than 20 unhappy. (??) Or i find new husband. (??)

 

in summary, i love him. i know he does things for us, for us being together, we travel, he takes care of all bills, of my bills too and sometime he buys flowers. But if i want personaly something for myself, from him-shoes, dress, fitness...He isnt very euthuatistic. he takes care of the standard thing when its for both of us but When it comes to personal things- for me, even i please. I buy him expensive , quality gifts he always appreciate and uses... but would live hapilly without it too. I was speaking about it w him and he excuses for bad financial situation.

Than the lies- im confused what to think of this particular lies towards me.

Than The forum i agreed for at the end. Arr

And than the feeling like im not engaged bc i dont have still any ring. Im worry about weddings and expenses. If he will be able to afford weddings. He never say. And than im worry about having kids when he is so older even though we want them.

 

I am so confused and i dont know what to think about all. I kinda worry that he doesnt take me seriously, i feel he engaged me bc im younger and naive... or easy target, or because he wouldt be with women his age. Why he would not save money for the dumb diamond or why bother to propose without it?

Please... any suggestion? Anything what could help me to direct my thoughts to?

 

Ps: and no im not perfect neither. As you seen. Its hard to please me sometimes. Im not best communicator. And i have my insecurities...

[kamurj]

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