My dilemma, need advice.

[JohnAsby]

Me and my girlfriend of 2 years broke up about 2 months ago. I first broke up with her momentarily bc i had caught her in a lie but i immediately took it back. But i guess her pride was hurt and she turned around and broke up with me that same day. Over the course of those two months, we would see each other and have sex a couple times. She would tell me she loved me and I would do the same (not healthy, i know) we would call each other babe and it was really odd but i rolled with it bc she was too. However, after the first month, i started noticing a change in her, she hates going out to bars and clubs, but she was now doing it every chance she got. I never made it a big deal, but i knew she was going out to hang out with a guy from work that had just put in his 2 weeks notice. He was getting ready to move to another city.

Anyway, i saw her last week, and she confirmed that it was a thing between her and that guy from work. More like a fling bc they both knew he was moving. She told me she had sex with him one time. Hes now in a different city. And she told me that it didnt mean anything to her, that she was just using him to distract her from all the turmoil between us. And that she didnt want to deal with it. But now shes telling me that she misses me and that she loves me and that im her soulmate and what not. Dont get me wrong, i love this girl to death and we do have a deep connection when things arent going south. But the timeline is what throws me off. She is telling me she loves me and that im the one for her, right after the guy from work moved away. Am i reading to much into it and should i get back with her? Or should i cut her off completely? I dont know what to do bc i do love her i feel like she was wrong for turning her back on me.

[valavoo]

Bookmarking to give you a coherent answer a little bit later tonight

[Kaykayxo]

There is clearly some dysfunction and immaturity on both parties accounts, but hey, whatever floats your boat.

[JohnAsby]

Thank you. Im looking foward to hear from a different point of view.

[Rustysuit]

It if you two were broken up, she did nothing wrong (technically), but it was a very douchy move from her part.

 

I don't know, man. Sounds like she wanted to have sex with this guy and threw you under the bus. Now that he's gone, she's back to you, her safety net.

 

I'm not a pessimist by any means, but she coped with the breakup by having sex with a guy she knew she didn't have to deal with the future.

 

By all accounts, that's not a good sign. At the very least, you two need to have a serious talk and maybe some counselling. Would you ever dream of having sex with another girl? Aren't you inlove with this girl? How come she didn't/doesn't feel the same?

[loip9114]

Definitely sounds as a hard situation. I would advice to atleast stop having sex at this point, I know it is fun and all, but it will break you up more in the long run. It keeps that strong connection going.

A good conversation could help, because there are some issues which seem to remain unresolved. Of course you will not get every answer from this conversation, but you can atleast ask questions about this breakup. Do you intend to make it stick? Or are you just confused at this point? Would you want to have another go at it?

Also try to really get your own position in view. With both your heart AND mind. If either of them does not agree with something, let it rest for a while and come back to it later.

 

Point is there is quite some vagueness around the whole situation which makes it very chaotic. Try to get a small bit of clarity. Because as Rustysuit said, you kind of functioned as her fall-back guy there. She is doing stuff to try and move on, while also still having some connection. Eventually she might move on, while you still have feelings for her.

I think, but you're the best judge of character here, that she is trying to use you as a safety net to get through the turmoil of the breakup and once she gets more out of the woods she'll drop you and move on. So she's trying to have her cake and eat it too.

But due to the vagueness of the situation this is very difficult to tell. And I could be wrong.

[JohnAsby]

@loip9114

To clear up some of the vague areas in my situation, so heres the deal.

Before the break up, we were constantly fighting and couldn't see eye to eye. The fights would always seemed to affect her bc she suffers from bad anxiety. As much as i try and avoid arguments, its impossible.. its gonna happen every once in a while. So thing is, she deals with ptsd from her childhood, her step father mentally/emotionally abused her. So because we were in a rut, she decided to see a therapist to help her for her anxiety as it was at high level. Her therapists suggested to remove herself from the situation (us) and to give her self time to work on herself. Long story short, we had one more arguement over a lie and that led to the break up. Were back to seeing each other but we havent spoke on moving foward as much bc im still trying to figure out what i want to do.

We met at the gym yesterday to work out. And as were leaving she brings up what she did and tells me that she tried hard to get over me and move on but that she couldn't. Case and point why she found herself in my presence.. but i honestly dont know how to read her right now.

[loip9114]

The PTSD part is exactly the same for my ex, but hers came from an ex-boyfriend's abuse. I do not know if the therapist proposed such a thing, but it could be.

However, this can definitely be a huge influence on the constant fighting, her heightened stress will definitely make this hard.

The situation sounds very similar to my own. So I'll just speak a bit out of my own situation and possibly you might get some ideas and handles for yourself.

 

So I've actually just written down my plan, which means to first really heal my heart. As of this moment it is quite broken from the breakup. I am doing whatever works best for me, that currently means I created a bubble of no contact and no stalking. I've kind of combined these two into one, as I do not stalk so that when I speak to her again she has all these new things she can tell me. Thus, if I want to know anything I have to contact her. But I do not want to do that just yet.

I'd also say, look into your heart. I also still love my ex, and I will not give up on her completely just yet. Because she is currently in therapy for the PTSD which was a major factor in the breakup. After the therapy we might talk again and see if there is a second chance. But if that second chance is to succeed or even happen I must first be in a position of strength again and we both have to change. I do not know how long this will take.

 

Clearly your ex still has feelings for you (at least that is what I read). However, at this point she sounds really confused as do you. Possibly it might be helpful to have a talk with that counselor and her present? Because you both might need to get some agreements in how to cope with this situation, so she can focus on her diagnosis in a healthy way. As well as give you some peace of mind in this turmoil. I believe that such a third party might greatly help you two in this situation. With agreements I mean things like, will there be contact or not? If not how long? If yes, then how will we go about it? Are there ways in which you might help her? etc.

Things like these might give you and her some idea of how to deal with this very tricky situation. Hope this helps you a bit, best of luck to you!