Considering ending my long-term relationship...

[muso]

I am having problems in my relationship at the moment. We have been together 4 years, have a 14 month old son and we have recently bought a house together.

 

We have been fighting a lot recently, every 2-3 weeks we have an argument that leaves us both feeling miserable and never seems to get resolved. Prior to this we have had the same on-going issues but they seem to be coming to a head right now.

 

From my perspective the main cause of these fights is that my partner is a control-freak, and she likes to have everything done her way and immediately. This manifests itself in her constantly asking me to do things. I mean constantly, like every 5 minutes, all day every day. And if it's not done the 'right' way, she will complain to me about it. She feels that everything needs to be done right now, where as I am content to let non-urgent things wait, and she has very precise ideas of how things should be done, and perhaps I might suggest that something be done a different way. But if I ever question or refuse to do what she asks me immediately I am accused of 'not helping', 'being mean' or asked if there is 'something going on with me?'. I can't tell you how frustrated and angry this makes me feel.

 

Now, I pull my weight with our son and the household chores. For example the evening routine when we get home from work is that I will feed him, bath him, give him his bottle, brush his teeth and put him to bed. My partner cooks dinner while I am doing this, and I then do the dishes and clean the kitchen afterwards. I also make a point of doing chores when I see they need doing (folding washing, etc) and we generally share the household cleaning/chores evenly.

 

From my point of view - this is pretty fair, but my partner complains that she has to 'carry the mental load' of the household - e.g. she's the one who knows what has to happen with our son and when (e.g. what he needs in his bag for day-care, etc). This is true to some extent, as I feel this is something that she instinctively took on due to her control-freak nature, and frankly if I did it, I would get things 'wrong' and she wouldn't be happy with it. However in an attempt to try and make the situation better I suggested we have a weekly 'meeting' where we discuss what is going on over the next week, what needs to be done and split the tasks evenly between us. Unfortunately this has just caused more fights, as she seems to just see it as an opportunity to add lots more things that I don't consider need to be done and then gets mad or sad when I say as much.

 

I know a lot of guys end up just accepting this kind of situation and just do whatever they are asked, going along with the 'happy wife, happy life' thing, but I honestly don't think I can do it long-term. I get so wound-up, angry and depressed about it, and no matter how much I try and explain my point of view or how I feel to her, she just doesn't ever seem to get it, and I know she would say the exact same thing about me.

 

It's got to the point where I am starting to resent her and I'm starting to seriously think about ending the relationship. There are a lot of good things about her, but this situation is just like a dark cloud hanging over the entire relationship and making it hard to see those things. With our son involved as well as the house, it's a scary prospect to end the relationship. I know that she would not deny me access to my son if we split, but the thought of not seeing him every day breaks my heart. I'm not really sure what I'm asking here, maybe some perspective, but just needed to vent I guess as it's not easy to talk to anyone about this stuff.

[twentysix]

I am getting the feeling from this post that your partner is not very happy with the relationship either. The complaining, the controlling, the criticizing nature is usually a sign that the person isn't happy and they're taking it out on you. It may be YOU that they're not happy with or it may be something else, but the only way that you can know is by talking about it.

 

I wouldn't be surprised if you were both in the same boat on this one, but neither of you are speaking up.

[SophieGrace]

Sounds like you are in a difficult situation. Your son is your main priority, and I think you owe it to him to do everything you can to work it out.

 

I suggest telling her point blank that the two of you need to go to counseling together - that you have been thinking of leaving because both of you are having a hard time hearing the other person and it's leaving you feeling depressed and angry most of the time, and no doubt, she feels the same way. You guys need help from someone trained to help couples work these issues; tell her you'd like to try and do that for the sake of your son.

 

Of course it takes two people willing to work on a relationship, and if she argues or won't go, the only avenue remaining may be an ultimatum. That if things don't change, or you don't see a counselor together, you are going to move out. Sometimes a jolt like that is enough to shake someone out of complacency and realize what they have to lose.

[lettingo2017]

You just had a baby together and bought a house and you want to leave?

 

No hun, that's not how it's done. You need to learn how to set boundaries and say no. But you don't get to leave. You made a massive commitment and now that it gets hard you want to walk away?

 

So who will take care of the baby? She will? I don't think so.

Man up! Set boundaries, take a break, go for walks, go to therapy but you don't get to just walk away and leave a new mom all by her self to care for a baby just because you can't handle her personality.

 

Most woman get a little wako after having a baby. She carried YOUR child for 10 months and birthed him. How about you cut her some slack and grow up. Just because you can't set boundaries that is not a ticket to walk away and make her do it all.

 

Find out how to set boundaries, how to say no, and be a father!