after 6 years, feeling lost, heartbroken and angry

[KatzenMoon]

hello everyone ✋ I'm back, but with bad news.

 

since my last entry things with my "ex" (and I use "" because we never truly broke up, he just stopped talking to me for periods of time only to come back into my life without saying the word breakup) we have been going back and forth with communication and hanging out. it's been very hit and miss since March 2015. sometimes we will be really into each other, use the "we" word while together then like icarus flying into the sun... it blows up. what is he so afraid of? am I his kryptonite or something? he has his own life and I have mine. when we were together I didn't have a job, no money of my own and basically depended on him for my basic needs. when we broke up the first time (May 2014) I moved into my dads house and he stayed at our house. after we got back together in August 2014 I got a part time job and he had his part time job. from august to march it was like trying to drive a car with a busted alternator. random power surges of affection only to break down. he has a way of redirecting blame onto someone other than himself when he knows something is his fault. like when he never told me we were broken up - i had to find out he was with a mutual friend or ours "acting single" on his birthday (March 2015) and she kept asking him where i was the entire time and that pissed him off. thats when i went full NC. so from then to about mid summer he comes around again and i completely ignore him and that really pissed him off. i waited another month and asked him if he wanted to go to a fair and he agreed. we ran into a bunch of our friends and they kept asking him if we were together. he didnt say a peep about us the entire night. just acted really distant and like he didnt even want to be there with me. after that i didnt see him for 6 months. 2016 was even worse... he basically got my hopes up numerous times when the girl he dated didnt work out (left him) or the guy i was dating didnt work out. cut to 2017 and I'm full time and 2 years into my job I've gotten some kind of financial security. he however, is struggling financially and lives on his own. what i am having a hard time dealing with right now is the fact that when he IS in my life it almost seems like nothing ever happened between us. he makes a bunch of promises and never holds up his end of the deal, and when I ask about it he gets defensive and it never materializes. he is the one who volunteers these things I never ask him. i never blow up his phone at all because i realize we are not together. he is the one doing the texting first not me. when we do hang out... it's "just like old times" like he says, then he cuts contact for no reason at all. recently I've been trying to work on our friendship by giving him space. I texted him yesterday and got a wild response "I've moved on, please leave me alone." this after hooking up and hanging out like nothing bad ever happened between us. even buying me gifts like a bf would do. promising my dad he'd help him out with some things. i just dont get the blatant disrespect.

 

sorry for the long post everyone it's just been a wild 6 years.

[LonelyJedi]

i just dont get the blatant disrespect.

 

I think, deep-down, that you do know. The whole problem of him going back & forth on you is evidence enough.

 

This constant back & forth is unhealthy... leave this person in the dust.

6yrs is a long time... believe me I know how you feel.

 

Find someone who wants you all the time, not just sometimes or when it is convenient.

[KatzenMoon]

I guess it's the "puppy dog" syndrome I have for this man. there's been constant times I've saved him from falling into the deep end that I can't give up on him. the person he is now is not who I met 6 years ago. it's almost like he's become a complete opposite version of himself to protect himself from drama. I've never hurt him like his previous exes. he created and misunderstood alot of things that happened between us and never fully forgave me like forgave him.

[LonelyJedi]

I guess it's the "puppy dog" syndrome I have for this man. there's been constant times I've saved him from falling into the deep end that I can't give up on him. the person he is now is not who I met 6 years ago. it's almost like he's become a complete opposite version of himself to protect himself from drama. I've never hurt him like his previous exes. he created and misunderstood alot of things that happened between us and never fully forgave me like forgave him.

 

This sounds all too familiar with my ex-fiance of 6yrs as well.

She has betrayed everything she stood for since our relationship and everyone I know (family/friends and myself) have been in non-stop shock since she left.

 

But I am beginning to learn that you cannot save anyone if they are not willing to save themselves.