How To End It?

[CyberLost]

I am a married 47 year old female who met a married gentleman on the internet three years ago. I was new to cyberland and was not looking to start any type of relationship and he was the same. We started slow - discussing our work and family life - but before either of us realized it, deep feelings had developed. We e-mailed and chatted online daily for 1 1/2 years and then it progressed to phone calls. He would surprise me with phone calls and I would call each day during lunch. We have both said that we do not want to leave our families and yet ... there is this attraction and we have both confessed that we are falling love. We live far apart so we have never met although we have discussed it. Because we are married, it would be a serious step to take and frightening as well. We are both afraid that if we meet, other decisions will have to be made. I am hopelessly in love with him ... think of him at all times of the day.

Now the problem: I had a feeling that he was holding back something and noticed that he was no longer surprising me with phone calls. It is always me who calls and I feel like I am now at his beck and call. I have recently discovered that he has another online name and he is chatting with others. I did ask him once about it and he said it was not the same ... it was just fooling around and that he would stop. I feel like such a fool and yet ... I don't know if I want to end it. Should I tell him I know about his other name or should I just appreciate our online time together. Any advice? (It feels good just writing this down).

[cookies]

oh man..i gotta admit that meeting nice ppl online and falling for them is a wonderful feeling. Its even better that we know their marital status, so that we will know what we face and how to approach and handle it. Most men online that may be married, will say they are single, so at least he was being open and honest with you. HOwever, i have also learned that we can not always trust everything the person says on the other end of the instant messenger screen.

 

If he has confessed his love to you, thats a bitter sweet situation that some ppl find themselves in, and can be wonderful, yet painful considering all th fact involving both ur marraiges, consequnces etc etc..but if hes venturing off into his fantasies online with other s creen names, and chatting up other women the same way he is with you, .may throw a hint of a red flag going up in ur head. There should be no reason for him to hide his identity from you or any other close friends when hes online..unless there are alterior motives.

 

so please be careful...

 

cookies

[michelemybell]

I'm in the same situation as you---my story is a bit different but the key elements are the same.

Like me, you've become emotionally dependent on this person--and it hurts to know that he is going to others when he said you're the one.

Two things you should do:

1) Don't put all your emotional needs into this one person---I know this is hard to do but really try to hard to do other things for yourself--not your husband, not anyone but YOURSELF. Do some self-improvement things. Don't just think about it---sign up NOW for something, go shopping, whatever right now!! Find a club in your area and just attend one meeting. Find other things to do! Make sure it's all about YOU, YOU, YOU!!

2) Give the relationship a break for a while----I have put myself on a two-month hiatus from any contact with my guy. It hurts like hell, but I did it for myself. It's really hard to only rely on yourself for a change. But strangely, I'm beginning to feel I need him less and I don't have as strong of an urge to contact him. When I do, I come to this board (and others similar to this on the Net) and read and share my thoughts until the urge goes away. If you decide to start talking to your guy again, you will have a whole different mindset if you just take a break for awhile.

[Getting On With It]

There has already been some excellent advice given by michelemybell above, but I think it is worth backing up...

 

If you think you are doing all the running, putting you at his beck and call, then something is wrong. So I agree with the advice given to date: take a break, and be busy -- maybe even sign yourself & your husband up to do something together (dancing lessons, anyone?) ...

 

If that's too much for you, I have an alternative suggestion. Stop calling, and see when he calls you, and how often. You might even tell him that you'll only call no more often than 'every other time' -- then, if he doesn't call you, you don't call back, and the decision is made for you.[/b]

[Quill]

You can't possibly be taking this seriously?.

 

Yeah, he's fooling around alright... on all levels, first on his wife, now on you. Pretty obvious someone else has grabbed his attention where you once used to. You said you "discovered" about his other online games.... so he's not honest is he, not by a long shot. I'm sure he's told his wife "he'll stop" too.

 

It's next to impossible to have a 'real' relationship with someone who is so far away and someone you've never met. I'm sure this makes a great fantasy for you and an enjoyable mental exercise but that's all it is. It's bad enough to get jerked around by people right in your back yard... but to allow this guy yank your chain from hundreds of miles away is just plain nuts.

 

I'm not meaning to offend you in any way. I don't think you realize what you're doing to yourself. Give some thought to what you are doing and then please consider turning the heat up on your marriage, or getting out of it and meeting some guys in your town that you can hold hands with, kiss. That's reality, not this.

 

The most the two of you should and can be are a pen pal's, romance with someone you've never met is truly insane.

[CyberLost]

Thank you all for the advice and wake up call. I have been doing a lot of thinking, and because he is currently away to visit his family, it has given me the time to really review my situation. It hurts like hell when I realize that I have to be less dependent on him and yes, I have decided that I will no longer be at his beck and call. He comes back tomorrow and as hard as it has been, I have not written him to say hi and welcome back. I think I will wait to see how long it takes him to contact me and then play it cool.....I am going to start thinking of me for once and .... try really hard to realize that this is just a life experience that I still have to figure out. Thanks again everyone ......

[amtheredoingthat]

I think the fact that you are communicating SO much with someone who is not your husband is the troubling thing. It is one thing to have male friends. It is another to be speaking to them more (and perhaps more intimately) than you would with your own husband.

 

No one has addressed what I suspect is the problem here -- your marriage. If you are serious about keeping your marriage intact, you would stop the communicating with the online buddy, and get yourself, and your husband, into counseling, to see why your husband is NOT fulfilling your needs (as this online man is).

 

Listen -- the voice of experience here. My marriage was in serious trouble -- for years, I didn't get what I needed from my husband on an emotional level. Suddenly -- there was the Internet, and via it, I met someone who was supposed to be "just a friend" -- but he became a substitute for all I was missing.

 

I had to decide if the marriage was worth saving. I went to counseling, alone, and decided I didn't want the marriage. I pursued this man instead, and now, he no longer is in my life either.

 

I don't regret the divorce -- but only because I figured out that I no longer wanted the marriage. But what about you? You sound like you WANT to keep the marriage intact. And that is going take more than some "dates" with your husband. It's going to take serious work -- because I think you have a serious communications breakdown. Your husband is supposed to be your best male friend. Let's face it -- he is not. Your online buddy is.

 

Also, I read recently on the web that most of the Internet relationships that DO break up marriages do NOT last... So if your marriage is important to you, then working toward it seems even more the thing to do.

 

Sorry if I sound blunt about this -- I just see you going down a similar path as myself, but I'm not sure if you are recognizing what's really going on here.