confused about sexuality

[mothinaflame]

I'm female and 17. I've kissed two guys, and three girls, one of which was my best friend. we made out and i was in bliss. i've never experienced anything like it. however she is straight, and made it clear that she was just having fun, which i understand.

 

i have also faniced another girl for a couple of years who i used to be at school with, who's bisexual. she wasnt interested in me, which is fair enough. in fact, i was probably relieved. since all this, all i can think about is girls and everytime my friends (girls) 'check out' guys, i find myself kinda bored, and looking at the girls instead.

 

i cant talk to my mum about it - i hinted once and she made it obvious she didnt like it, and she's even 'disgusted' by bisexuality. she also said i was too young to know if i wasnt straight, and that i need more experience before i can tell. is she right?

 

i find it so hard talking about this sort of thing to my friends, even though they're great, and i can barely bring myself to write or type (let alone say) 'lesbian' or 'gay' etc. i dont understand any of it.

 

im so confused; there have to be people who've gone through similar .. times? please, someone shed some light on all this for me. it's tiring me out thinking and worrying about it so much.

 

xxx

[lady00]

I think your mom is wrong. 17 is not too young to know if your sexuality identitity. I don't think you need to have hooked up with a lot of people or had a lot of dating experiences to know who you're attracted to. Straight people often know they're straight from a pretty young age even before their first kiss...so I can't see why gay or bisexual people wouldn't know as well. I have heard from my gay friends that they knew at a very young age that they were gay. There's nothing wrong with being gay or bisexual. Just be true to yourself.

[someguy69]

Sexual preference is a spectrum ranging from completely straight to completely homosexual.

 

It can change over the course of your life, and no one should try and say that it is abnormal, or that liking the member of the same sex automatically makes you gay.

 

There is nothing wrong with experimentation, and no reason to stick a label on yourself -- just like how your friend said she was "having fun". She didn't want to put a label on herself.

 

We are all sexual beings.

 

Explore, experiment, but don't worry about labeling yourself.

[mgirl]

I think your mom is wrong. 17 is not too young to know if your sexuality identitity. I don't think you need to have hooked up with a lot of people or had a lot of dating experiences to know who you're attracted to. Straight people often know they're straight from a pretty young age even before their first kiss...so I can't see why gay or bisexual people wouldn't know as well. I have heard from my gay friends that they knew at a very young age that they were gay. There's nothing wrong with being gay or bisexual. Just be true to yourself.

 

I agree with Lady00! I don't think you're too young.

 

When i was 14, i started getting similiar feelings to what you are experiencing. When i was 17, i pretty much knew i was/'am' gay... All the similiar things: thinking about girls and desiring them. I think that deep down you know what your sexuality is. It is just society that tells us it is wrong.

 

My advice is to get married, have children and then come out of the closet when you're 24/5. By then you will hopefully have children and will have something to look forward to in your old age. When you're gay and you don't have kids, what is there when you get old? Nothing really... Only a lover, if you're lucky enough to find one, and maybe some dogs! Sad, but true. The sexuality can wait.

 

I know my advice sounds harsh, but there is not much to look forward to when you get older if you don't have a family. Anyone my age will tell you that

[singingwolf]

My advice is to get married, have children and then come out of the closet when you're 24/5. By then you will hopefully have children and will have something to look forward to in your old age. When you're gay and you don't have kids, what is there when you get old? Nothing really... Only a lover, if you're lucky enough to find one, and maybe some dogs! Sad, but true. The sexuality can wait.

 

I know my advice sounds harsh, but there is not much to look forward to when you get older if you don't have a family. Anyone my age will tell you that

 

 

I have to respectfully disagree with the advice to marry a guy, have kids, then come out. That would be cruel to the man, the kids, and yourself. There are plenty of options for gay couples to have children: adoption, artificial insemination, surrogacy.... Options that are wonderful to experience whether you're single or in a committed relationship with a same-sex partner.

 

Not only would divorce and a custody battle be unnecessarily painful, when you do commit to someone down the road, you force them to be the step-parent. Instead, you could have the wonderful experience of having (or adopting) a child with someone you really love.

 

I do, however, agree that you are certainly old enough to know that you are lesbian. Your mom comes from a generation that has difficulty understanding this issue, and no parent wants their kid to face the discrimination and prejudice that can come with being openly gay. Give your mom time. If you stand up for your true self and your beliefs, she'll come around eventually. She'll understand that being with a man wouldn't automatically make you happy. It will just take time. My parents freaked, but eventually realized that I was in love and they couldn't change that.

 

Good luck. Keep us updated, will you?

 

Sam

[mgirl]

Hi Sam,

 

I agree with what you say to a certain extent. It's all very well in theory, but in reality it is

 

a) almost impossible to find somebody of the same sex that will commit to you and that is secure enough to commit despite societies homophobic pressures

 

b) even if you do find 'somebody', they may not want to have children and if you do, this can be a real challenge and can possibly be a real heartache

 

c) finding a sperm donor might not be that hard, or it might be, but the reality with that is that although the man might say he will give up most rights to the child, or agree to your terms, things can change when the baby is born (and he sees how cute he/she is).

 

I know my advice about getting married and having a baby was harsh, but i guess i meant for mothinaflame to not rule out settling with a guy for a while. I mean, there is plenty of self righteous advice about 'coming out' and expressing your sexuality, but the reality is that there is not much for gay people, whether it be social support or otherwise. You will only know that when you get older and realise life has passed you by, you have 'expressed' your sexuality and all it has led to is stuggle and disappointment. And with no children. At least if i had have gotten married and had children, the divorce would have been hard, but at least i would have my babies, and possibly an understanding ex-husband (i always attracted understanding guys)... so what i say to young people contemplating 'coming out' is, "yes, express your sexuality", but remember there is a whole lot more to life than having sex! And you really feel this as you get older...

 

Okay, enough from me. I hope i have shed some light on this for a few people. That's all i aim to do - educate.

 

Cheers,

 

Mgirl

[mothinaflame]

wow. i guess my first word should be 'thanks'.. you've all given me a hell of a lot to think about.

secondly - marriage? i dont think im quite there yet lol. but it's great to hear what you guys think about it, and long-term relationships.

im not quite at the 'coming out' stage but i had one hell of a long, deep conversation with my best friend last night, and we pretty much came to the conclusion that i am a lesbian, but haven't admitted it to myself yet. it's all very scary stuff.

i just want to thank you all - it means so much to have outside opinions and support.

thankyou so much.

xxx