Healing and breaking no contact

[Fitgills]

Hi all,

 

I've posted a bit on here before about my break up with a probable commitment-phobe. It was all quite confusing for me as it was going well and was my first love at the grand age of 28. There was an offer of friendship and this is appealing but also confusing to deal with. I am mature and my head gets a lot of the advice on here but of course I'm aware of what my heart is feeling.

 

I tried no contact and was definitely using this at first as a way of rekindling the relationship but nothing happened. During this time I was reading a book. I wont say the name (not sure of the rules) but if you google commitment-phobia you'll probably find it. As I read it I saw lots of features of my partner in the book but surprisingly I started to see a lot of myself.

 

I may be a passive commitment-phobe. Why did I wait so long to fall in love. Why are so many nice guys not good enough to be my partner and replace my ex. Why did I get over my minor concerns about my ex. Things that ring true are that now I am looking for something else I am looking for perfection. Not completely unattainable perfection but a little bit of a fantasy to the extent I am being offered eligible mates but rejecting them. Apparently the spark and magnetism is something that is really easy for an active commitment-phobe to offer to a passive commitment-phobe.

 

Another thing I realised is that I'm a bit bored with my life, work and socially, I have spent a while getting into shape and would often tell myself I would do certain things when my job is on track, when i've lost all my weight, when I've bought my own house. Perhaps these are barriers I put in place to making some commitments in my life. I really enjoyed the company in the relationship and just having things to do. My job stopped being my life and I felt more social.

 

During this time I started to contact my ex. He seemed to genuinely offer friendship and I whilst considering the potential to try and get him back I was interested in the potential of friendship too. I was very cut up as I am really understanding but the confusing way we broke up made me unclear as to what I wanted. Speaking to him hurt a little but helped a little too. I'd already done the social media stalking and could not see whether he was happy or sad. I know he didn't look as good but I don't think any changes he made were to do with missing me or being particularly sad about the break up. When we were messaging I managed to get a few things of my chest. I do have some feeling but know it will not work. I'm always going to have a little bit of a what if and a never say never attitude but I'm ready to move on. I don't think there are winners in a break up but if you are dumped it takes a while to see there a no losers either. Although he had said he had concerns about things in his life (this may have been bs) he hasn't dealt with them really but says he's pretty content as he is, great for him. Now to make sure the same happens for me.

 

I do think I am a little needy. Chatting to him is nice but it is very much instigated by me which makes me feel we'll be acquaintances rather than friends. It is very early on and I'm aware I or he might not have completely moved on and that things will develop how ever they develop. I'm sending him this book as I think he'll find it interesting. I don't think it will change him and he does not need to change as long as he is happy and does not cause hurt.

 

So what now:

 

I've pre-warned him of an idea for a really cheap Christmas gift I might send him. This is so he knows its sent platonically if it comes and is not a grand gesture. I am like a dog with a bone when I think I have a funny/nice idea.

 

I am not going to try and rekindle anything. Friends will happen naturally and won't be one-sided.

 

I'm going to stop caring what people think as much.

 

I'm looking to spend more time with my friends and to widen my social circle.

 

I am being a bit more active in pursuing my fantasy, not quite ready to give up on it yet.

 

I am working on some of my goals (fitness, recreation, work, social) as an independent person so I am happy if I never find love again (dramatic I know as I'm sure I will when I least expect it) or be reliant on it.

 

I don't know if anyone has any advice they think would be useful to me. I'm probably going to stick to my guns on what I have saidbut I thought I'd share as it might help other people feeling a bit down. I'm still gonna have my ups and downs.

[Dominique]

i am not sure what you are asking.

 

you're plans for yourself sound perfect.

 

if you are planning to continue a friendship then i would ask you "are you going to be happy for him when he dates someone else?" because he will.....and he will probably date them soon.... and it will hurt.

 

if you are over him and don't want him back, be friends. if not, let him go. don't send him a book to help him fix himself and then lament because he read all that and changed and now his new girlfriend is so happy with the results.

[Fitgills]

I see your points. We are both guys although who knows if he'll end up with a girl. I don't really want him back as at the end of the day he didn't want me. I think we'd both have to be different people for that to happen. I have pangs for what I had as that's part of my nature. If he ends up with someone else it will be good for him. I'll obviously feel something, I think that's normal if you liked someone.

[Fitgills]

If I'm honest if he had moved on to someone else that would have been easier to understand a few months back.

[Dominique]

I understand. if that's the case, i think you are on solid ground.