boyfriends lack of sex drive

[lon71]

hi,

i have been with my boyfriend for 12 yrs, we have a 10yr old child. for about the last 3 years his sex drive has been dwindling away. its been alot worse over say the last year to 18months. it got to a point where i was nagging him for sex,we only had sex if i nagged, our average was always once a week, then once a month, now it wouldnt be at all if i didnt ask for it.

ive tried everything, nice underwear, candles, massage, bubble baths, nights out, sex toys etc etc etc lately i even tried leaving him alone so as not to pressure him and still nothing. if we do have sex its over in minutes, or its either just a quick 2minute sex session or foreplay, hardly ever both. ive been through hurt tears and all emotions, blaming myself, thinking he dont love me etc etc we rowed over xmas and he had a chance to leave i even told him it was over, he came back saying he loved me and wanted to be with me, but he still cant make love to me the way i need him to. i sometimes get a cuddle but normally its a one arm cuddle whilst he holds the remote control in the other.

i wouldnt say i have an over high sex drive, 2 or 3 times a week would suit me fine, once a week i could live with lol at times i do get sexually frustrated, it so hard getting bed with someone who doesnt want you sexually when u have needs. him not wanting me is making me feel unloved and unwanted and i just dont know what else to do. in his defence he works hard and is always tired, we hardly spend anytime together, when we do go out on rare occasins, he says he's had too much to drink to perform. he knows i have needs that arent being met, hes an inward person and wouldnt go to the doctors for help, and in the meantime i desperately need a cuddle some romance etc etc if i met someone else i think i would cheat just to get what im lacking at home. is there anyone else out there going through what i am? when does it end? or do things stay like this? most of my friends say they are the ones who dont always want it and its the hubby who wants it all the time. i now find that when i do have sex with my partner, i dont enjoy it as its hard for me to enjoy sex with someone who doesnt really want the sex, i think he just does it half the time to shut me up lol

[mmmm]

I wish I could think up some good advice for you but I cant. Although the fact that he is working alot can have a ton to do with it, he probably is exhausted and has alot on his mind. Maybe catch him off guard on a weekend morning surprise him in his sleep with some romance, just dont wake him up to early. He may be grouchy Good luck with everything.

[jaiva]

I don't know, for most men that do this I'd say they were getting sex from someone else but I can't say that in this particular situation b/c that's not what I feel is going on. Was he usually very into sex? Because if he's changed he might be getting it from somewhere else but i wouldn't say go accusing him of it until you get some serious proof.

 

Hope I helped!

 

Jaiva

[Beec]

Well, the only real solution is if you can get in his head. The brain is the most powerful sex organ in the body. I admire your efforts, but I doubt you have tried everything. There are always more things you can try.

 

There are lots of people who have different sexual tastes. I don't get it, but I know of guys who prefer to "serve" women, instead of having sex, and they masturbate during or after providing thier service. I know of guys who get turned on by lots of different things.

 

One of the other things to think about is how he sees you. After a while, you do stop thinking of a woman as a sex pot, and more of something else.

 

The post about where he is getting sex is a good one. Often a guy can no think of his woman as a sexual being, and just masturbate. Cut out the masturbation, and the sex drive might reappear.

 

Good luck.

[lon71]

hi, thanks for your replies.

 

yes, i have been through the point where i thought he was getting it from somewhere else, checking his phone, emails etc, but realised that if hes not with me hes at work. he doesnt go out anymore so there really isnt the time for him to have anyone else and there is no sign of another woman.

it appears to me that sex to him is a chore. ive asked him if he gets the urge he says he doesnt have time or energy to get the urge. he doesnt see the lack of sex as a problem in our relationship, although i do as its leaving me feeling unloved and unwanted and theres only so much rejection a girl can take lol

thinking back, i wouldnt say that he was ever someone that wanted sex loads, i think his problem is his job, its both physically and stressfully demanding, he will never change the job or lessen the workload so it seems like my sex life aint gonna change. hes a fantastic family man, provider and generally im happy but the lack of sex is putting stress on the relationship on my behalf. so it leaves me in a situation where if another man was to show me interest then i would probably go, which is not a road i really wanted to go down but my yearning for some love, fun and laughter is getting stronger the more he rejects me.

the thing ive found hardest is that no one warned me that men go of sex lol i always thought most men always wanted sex, when im together with my mates and the sex subject comes up, most of them have the opposite problem to me lol lucky them!!!!!

[Blondie152]

I feel like you are living my life. I haven't been with my boyfriend for as long and we do not have children, but our situation is exact. we have been dating for 3 years and sex is lacking. He too works a crazy job and is always tired. But i also work a lot of hours and i still want to have sex.

I know how you feel when you say you feel unloved and unwanted. and i also understand why another man would tempt you. it is really hard to be with someone when such an important part is missing. like your man, mine is a great man. he is very supportive and has all the things most women want to find in a person. i am constantly asking myself if i am willing to give up the romantic part of a relationship in order to have a great one otherwise. i have been with some men who were very sexual and horrible in every other department. its like a catch 22.

unfortunately, i have no advise for you. im looking for advise myself. the theory of them cheating doesnt really apply to us, because like yours, mine is always working too and i know he isnt cheating. sometimes i think i can live without the sex, but whenever i see people on tv or in real life engaging in intimate moments, my heart aches that i dont have that. i hope that i can offer you some comfort in saying that i can truly feel how hurtful it can be.

[Cartecay]

I'm in the same boat so I've researched ISD (Inhibited sexual desire) until my eyes are crossed from so much reading. Based upon what I've read there could be many problems among them: 1) Stress; 2) Anxiety; 3) Unresolved relationship issues; 4) Latent homosexuality; 5) Reduced testosterone levels. I doubt that it's # 4 or you would have noticed tendencies years ago.

 

Usually (again, based upon what I've read) it's a psychological issue as opposed to a physical problem but it wouldn't hurt to ask his doctor who can then order tests for his testosterone levels.

 

Good luck and I hope you find your answers and a solution before any additional damage is done to your emotional well being.

[lon71]

hi,

thanks so much for your replies. its a comfort knowing theres others out there like me that understand.

ive dropped hints over the last couple of days to my partner about things and the lack of sex. he really doesnt see that there is a problem and just says its because he's tired. i asked him if he likes sex, he answered of course i do everyone likes sex, to which i just burst out laughing, i just couldnt believe the answer!!!

he's been extremely busy lately and i need to choose my moment, but i cant stand much more of crying myself to sleep and feeling desperate for affection so when the times right i am gonna tell him how i feel. hes a very inward person and would rather ignore things than sort things out, so i have to choose my moment wisely.

[Blondie152]

After posting my comment, i too had a discussion with my boyfriend. and i asked the same question and got the same answer. and like your guy, mine is also very inward and doesnt like to discuss things. i guess thats cause he thinks everything is fine. well tonight i hope we have a further discussion and work some things out. because like you, i am tired of crying myself to sleep as well.