I still love him

[rainy soul]

Back again, feeling like I have no other place to turn. I feel like I just need to sit here and write to help ease some of the pain inside.

 

I saw him last night when I went to retrieve some of my things. It still seems so strange to me to stand there and not reach out to him, for him to not reach out for me. I realize how much I miss him, how much I still want him in my life, how that will never be again. I've been feeling really angry with him the past couple of weeks after hearing that he has moved on to other women. That anger is gone and I just feel horrible now with the terrible realization that he is gone from me forever. I miss our friendship, I miss that closeness, I just miss him. I feel like I have so much to say to him, not to trap him into having an emotional conversation, and not to try and get anything from him, but just to clear my heart. I feel like we haven't had closure. I feel alone in my life and like it has no direction...I'm floating out at sea.

I don't know where to turn now, or how to free myself from this. I'm heartbroken

[kskm]

Remember that once you break it off with someone, you soon forget the things that drove you to the break up. Very easy to do, and everyone does it. I do it still with my ex of 5 years. I think, maybe he can change, or has, or whatever. Fact of the matter is, you broke up for a reason and as long as you keep that in your head you won't do the mistake of trying to get back. If he has moved on this quickly then maybe that is a sign that he isn't who you thought he was, in which case you don't want to be with him anyways. There are many other people out there that will want to treat you like a princess!

[lady00]

I hear this word "closure" a lot but I don't know what it really means...what will telling him how you feel accomplish? Can anyone every really get closure? does closure mean freedom from pain? if so then, yes closure will happen but it won't have anything to do with interacting with your ex, it will be because you have had a significant amount of time away from him and begun to see other men as attractive again. I think that what you need is time to heal and support from your friends and family. Don't bother unloading your emotions on your ex, tell your friends instead because I am sure that their reaction/response will be a lot more helpful to your healing process than his.

[heloladies21]

One of my exes immediately hooked up with another guy and it made me mad. I was so mad that someone i had put so much into could hurt me so bad. Then I missed her and kept going back and forth between hating her and missing her, then it started to die away.

 

But it's such a turn off when i find out someone's not interested in me anymore. It makes me not want to be around them anymore. I don't want to be with any of my exes ever again.

[sdguy118]

Hey, please keep me posted on how things are going for you. I'm sorry I can't be of more help, I'm actually going through the same pain right now...I can't believe this is happpening, but it is....let me know, sorry i can't be more help.....just know...YOUR NOT ALONE!!!!!!!

[rainy soul]

I'm wondering where I'm at right now and want some advice from others experiences. After seeing him the other night and hearing all about how he's 'moved on,' I suddenly feel this deep aloneness, its the same sadness as before but minus the hope of reconcilliation attched. I guess I've realized that no he is not coming back. I did no contact, I waited, I prayed, I was upbeat when he did contact me, and three months later well he's still not here. I thought maybe after sleeping around and drinking himself into oblivion that he might come back to me and nothing?

 

I guess what I'm wondering is that although I have had brief moments of rage towards him it was never really true rage and always stemmed from deep sadness. Now I just feel alone and sometimes sorry for him, and then I look to the future something I feel I have to do and always starring me back in the face is that he is not there...he is really gone forever. A friend of mine asked me today, "are you mad yet? thats when you know your over it." No I'm not mad where am I in this healing process??

[trishcollins]

I know it's hard, but you will get through this. Without even realizing it, one day you will wake up and your first thought won't be him. Then you will go an hour, a morning, a day and even a couple of days. It takes a long time to get to that point, but you will get there.

 

I am just hitting the end of month 9 since the breakup and I am finally feeling some peace after months of feeling exactly what you describe. I was feeling horribly alone and that no one could replace him, yet angry that he could just walk away from what I thought was a perfect relationship without so much as a "by-your-leave".

 

After a few good conselling sessions, I realized that he is incapable of opening up emotionally to his own grief (his wife passed away right before we met) and that he had just competely shutdown. I also stopped looking at the relationship through rose-coloured glasses. Yes, we had a lot of fun and really connected, but when it came to serious decision making, he took it on himself (probably did it throughout his 20 year marriage too), and I was too worried about losing him to put up much of a fight, which is SO not who I am.

 

This is not what I want in a relationship, I want someone who is willing to negotiate things and not just say "my way or the highway", which he did on a few occasions, although said in a much more tactful way (if that is possible). I am a well-educated, sucessful, self-employed professional, own a farm and horses and worked hard and paid for it all on my own. I have made all my own decisions since I was 18. All of a sudden I was agreeing to things I might not have done otherwise, for fear of losing him. I don't think he really gave it much thought either, as I said I am sure he did that throughout his marriage, either because he had to, or he was just that way. Regardless, it is not a trait I want in a partner.

 

It takes time, and it's different for everyone. My previous ex admitted he didn't love me, and that took me 18 months to get over, although he and I worked in the same place for 6 of those months, making it extra hard. We tried the friends thing, but I always wanted more. Complete NC was the only thing that worked for me then, and it has worked for me now.

 

Everytime I contact my ex, I get back a cold, unemotional, edited email, that is written to a complete stranger by a complete stranger. He is a lost cause and it's just simply time for me to move on. As I said in another email, I can honestly say if he walked back in my door right now and asked me back, I would say "no -- too little, too late". It's not even a "revenge" thing. I truly believe that our relationship would never work. Not unless he got serious counselling and changed his behaviours, and I don't see that happening.

 

You will get past this, just keep moving forward and come here and post if you are having a bad day. We all know exactly what you are going through.

[happythoughts]

rainysoul,

 

It is the hardest thing but you must just keep going - three months is nothing when the pain is so acute! Everybody on here has been through something similar and so just keep coming back to talk.

 

At least you are facing your loneliness and are aware of it - instead of trying to drown it in drink or in false hope about getting back together.

 

It is normal to feel that deep longing when you see him but that will ease in time I promise. Memories and pain do fade. I was so terrified of letting go of the memories that I had to write them all down so i would always have them. Only then could I stop myself trying to keep them all in my head.

 

You will get there eventually - and I know people say this but I promise you will love again. I was heartbroken when I was your age over somebody other than my ex and I can't even remember the pain, even though I know it was awful. It does get easier.

 

try and see lots of friends but it is okay to feel lonely, it's normal after you've come out of a relationship.

[rainy soul]

Another hard day, I'm haunted by him in my dreams...I still long for him and he is so far away from me.

I thought I'd give you all a warning about alcohol and heartbreak. I went out the other night had too much to drink probably in an effort to numb myself...anyways nothing spectacular happened as per usual and I came home drunk and feeling like a throw away. Anyways, I tried to hurt myself and didn't succeed in the way I wanted but ended up cutting myself badly and ended up on the phone long distance with my mom at 3am. In the light of day I was furious with myself. How could I ever have thought of doing anything to hurt myself? What if I had been successful????? It has been a clear message to me that I am holding on by a thread. I'm holding on by a thread and then I go and get drunk and leave myself vulnerable to anything. Be careful all of you...I know that what I did was mostly fueled by alcohol and sober I would never allow myself to go that far. Needless to say I've realized that I can't handle my booze right now and maybe never if this is what I'm capable of. I can't trust myself. Its strange its like there is two people living right now, there's the one side of me thats fighting to heal and move on and then there's the other side of me that wants to give up, wants to lay in my bed forever.

Please by careful all of you...I feel like I have really learnt my lesson in a harsh way but maybe I needed a hard slap in the face...I'm still trying to hold myself together, to not feel like I've been thrown away by the man I thought I would marry, to not feel like our relationship meant nothing because he has walked away and moved on so easily...help!!