Falsely Accused of Cheating

[slightly jaded]

This is something I wouldn't normally undertake; however I feel as though an outside opinion or two might help my situation. There is a bit of context I'd like to provide so please bear with me.

 

I have been dating my girlfriend for about three years and living with her for the past two. Things started out spectacularly as we were madly in love – unable to even take our eyes off of each other. At a certain point this "honeymoon" stage simmered down, perhaps a year back or so and we settled into a more "comfortable" coexistence.

 

Over the course of the past three years I have taken three trips away from my girlfriend all between three and five days in duration. Two were with a good friend and purely for fun and one, the shortest, was a business trip. In addition, her and I took a seven-day trip to Mexico with her nine-year-old daughter who also lives with us. This last trip was her only real vacation in the time we've been dating.

 

Recently, in the past few of weeks, she was in touch with an old friend from her hometown who is having some difficulty with here 12-year-old son who was recently expelled from school. My girlfriend, ever charitable, offered to take him in for a week so that he might have a change of environment and some time away from his brothers. I had no issue with this and she proceeded to make arrangements. During the course of doing so, she decided that it might be a good opportunity for her to revisit her hometown for the first time in five years. Again, having no objection, and in fact thinking it might be good for her to get away I agreed. She suggested at this time that it might also be a good opportunity for me to visit an old friend of mine who moved away a couple of years. And so it was agreed that she would go back home for a week with her daughter and that I would go and visit my friend for four days.

 

Upon my return, my girlfriend – who had already been home for two days – was very distant. She explained that she was upset that I had not phoned her enough in the time that she had been apart and that in fact it was she that initiated most of our conversations. Furthermore, she said that while she was in her hometown she got to visit with many of her old friends, all of who are in "extremely happy" relationships and that she was very upset that we were no longer in the "honeymoon" phase of ours. She then insisted that the onus was on me to rekindle our relationship. I hedged somewhat telling her that it was both of us who had slipped into this comfort zone and that she had to meet me halfway, but that I would certainly make every effort. Despite this she remained distant over the next couple of days.

 

Friday night we had some friends over for a few drinks and after they left we sat down to a game of scrabble – something we did quite often in the early days of our relationship. Not three words into the game she notices a Cosmo magazine that she insists she did not buy and demands to know where it came from. Dumbfounded I tell her that I don't know, and that it is the first I had seen it. She proceeds to be relentless in her inquisition repeatedly insisting that me telling her I don't know isn't an acceptable answer. My only response is that it is the only answer I have because I honestly don't know. I attempt a number of times to turn the issue to one of trust, and to convince her that she needs to accept that I simply don't know where the magazine came from ("If I was lying don't you think I'd come up with something better than 'I don't know'?"). She proceeds to say some of the most hurtful things I have ever heard from here in the time that we've been together prompting me to first leave for a short walk to get away from the situation ("If you leave you know you look guilty, right?") and then finally to bed alone.

 

Saturday morning she is to leave to go back home in order to return her friends son after his visit (he was thankfully not in our house for the fight although her daughter was) and not wanting to leave things unresolved she again raises the issue. I tell her that I think she owes me an apology for the hurtful thing's she said and the mistrust. After another good fight over the trust issue, culminating in her hitting me, she finally apologizes for the hurtful things she said, says that she now believes me and that much of what was said was alcohol fueled. Her suspicion, however, she says was justified as she had never seen the magazine before. I tell her I'll grant her the suspicion and that I wish I could explain it but that I've still got a lot of issues with what took place. At this point she is attempting to smooth things over before she leaves but I can't even talk to her without my eyes welling up. I spoke to her today (Saturday) on the phone and she is eager to put this behind us. I held up fairly well, although I was honest in telling her that I was still upset. I then hung up and spent another couple of minutes in tears.

 

Which brings me to my issue: She seems to have put this behind her. I seem to be unable to. I told her I just need time, and whole I hope this is true I worry that this river runs deeper than that. I've tried to figure out what might be the source of my hang-up. As I lay in bed Friday night immediately after our fight I was understandable unable to sleep. This is when I think a lot of the damage may have been done. In an attempt to understand what was happening in her head I ran a lot of scenarios through mine. I ultimately ended up with these three, all equally unpalatable:

 

Worst Case: She cheated on me while we were apart and this is a manifestation of her guilt – or worse, and excuse to check out on our relationship. I think this is the one that gives me the most trouble because the very act of thinking it calls into question my trust of her. Am I a hypocrite?

 

Unlikely Case: She bought the magazine and used it as an excuse to go "fishing" for a confession. I don't see this as being likely because she would have to be quite vindictive. I didn't think she had it in her until some of the things I heard her say on Friday night. I still think this unlikely because there's a difference between something said in the heat of the moment and something entirely pre-meditated. That's a big jump.

 

Probable Case: She simply didn't trust me. It is exactly as it sounds. She saw something troubling and went on the warpath. She says she believes me know but I worry that it's just lip service in order to enable us to move on.

 

There is one last nagging question that really bothers me: Where the hell did that magazine come from? She insists it is not one of hers despite the fact that she buys them regularly and has a stack. I've been thoroughly through our recycling looking for receipts and while there are a couple that look like they might match the bill (including one from her hometown), there is nothing conclusive. I'm left to conclude (unless I choose to subscribe to the "Unlikely Case") that either someone brought it over and left it, or that my girlfriend bought and simply forgot. It really seems inconsequential at this point I guess, but if it can help allay any remaining suspicion I think she might have I'd like to have a better answer than "I don't know".

 

In any case, I feel like there's a chance we've crossed a line that. She's clearly expressed a willingness to mistrust me, and the fact that I even entertain the "Worst Case" scenario tells me this has triggered in me a similar ability. She's back from her hometown on Sunday in time for Easter Dinner. I intend to tell her how much I love her and how I intend to work towards rekindling our relationship. I also intend to tell her that I never have and never will lie to her, let alone ever do something that would give me cause to. As for now, I'm just looking for some healing.

[darcygirl]

Where there is mistrust there can never be a happy union. And let's do not forget her "hitting" you...That is physical abuse, I do not care if she was intoxicated, it is still no excuse...The magazine, in my opinion, is a tool she used to gain control over the situation and that IS MANIPULATIVE...Her lame excuse for the illicit relationship she had is no different, just another manipulative tactic. She might just as well said, if it hadn't been for you making me think you were cheating I would not have done this...Shifting blame...

 

The choice is definitely yours, but infidelity is the biggest reason for mistrust and excuses are no excuses as far I am concerned in that department. That is a willful choice and one that is not done on the spurr of the moment...Okay?? I would have ended it, as painful as it can be, but time heals all wounds and you deserve better in my opinion.

 

I am speaking from my own experiences and the end results are never happily ever after...

[slightly jaded]

I just don't think I'm prepared to cash out on the three years invested in this relationship. We have been incredibly happy for the most part and this is the first instance of either any amount of mistrust or physical altercation -- and for the record she was mortified with herself after she hit me.

 

She is adament that she now believes that I really don't know where the magazine came from, and if I'm going to give her the level of trust that I feel I should have received in the first place I'm obliged to believe her. As for the possibility of her cheating, that is, I hope, my paranoid mind finding the worst case scenario. The fact that she was returning to her hometown (where she currently is) certainly played into that line of thinking as well. I'm also aware that the manifestation of guilt often shows itself as pre-emptive action, however I still have to hope that this is nothing more than paranoid conjecture. Again, I think I owe her the benefit of the doubt despite her not showing me the same on Friday.

 

I do have to say that the very act of writing this out has been somewhat cathartic. I spoke with her again about an hour ago and it went well, although we avoided the subject althogether. No tears this time. I still think we have a hard conversation ahead, but it can (and probably should) wait until she's home.

 

Time may heal all wounds but sunlight is still the best disinfectant.

 

Is it wrong of me to hope that she's guilty as hell for what she's put me through? It's not that I wish her ill, I just want her to think long and hard before she pulls the trigger on such an accusation again. I don't think I can take it a second time and next time around I will probably be taking your advice.

[DN]

I am not sure I would let this rest - there is more to her behaviour than meets the eye. Apart from anything else, why would someone you are having a secret tryst with bring a magazine with her - to read if the sex got boring? Her over-reaction seems more than suspicious to me.

 

It is your decision whether to continue this relationship but you may be wise to cut your losses now (to continue your investment simile)

 

If you do not, I think you would be wise to leave if anything like this happens again - particularly the hitting. Violence can escalate once it has been accepted without consequence. If it does, and the police are called, you could very well be the one hauled off to jail. Take care.