I broke it off and I'm a wreck!!

[rk]

alright, so, here's the deal. i was with a girl for about 5 to 6 months, off and on. it was off and on because i kept breaking up with her because it didn't or never really felt right. we were, or are, very different people and i know this......here's the kicker. i'm rarely super attracted to somebody and i was or am super attracted to her. i know it may sound shallow, but damn, attraction is a powerful thing. it's not just sex, but it seems to be very physical. i have explained to her so many times that i just feel like we don't have enough in common, we don't have enough to talk about; you see, i'm an artsy, deep thinkin, musician type who's 29 and she's a fairly shallow, not a deep thinker, materialistic 23 year old, who did treat me like gold, was super sweet and generous and swears up and down that i have made the biggest mistake of my natural life by leaving her. everytime we would get back together, it's was so intense, because of the mutual attraction to each other, but then it was me going, damn, there's still something major missing from us. here's the other kicker....i wouldn't say that i'm a "player," cause all i've ever wanted was to fall in love with somebody that i just click with, but i don't have trouble getting "dates," and this was the first girl in 3 or 4 years that i've actually tried with. i actually let her in and tried to make things work. i tried so, so hard to make it work and it just never clicked how i wanted it to. now, i don't want to be in an unhealthy relationship based on physical attraction because if i'm not fulfilled mentally too, it won't work but i absolutely have to be physically attracted to a person too. i don't call her and i've asked her not to call me anymore cause it's too painful and confusing for us both but we have had a few "rendevous" that always make it way more painful for me. now comes the advice part or whatever. if it was wrong and i know that and i kept breaking up with her, then why do i miss her?? why do i still have her in my thoughts?? why is it so painful to see her or hear from her?? if i broke it off cause i wasn't happy then why do i still feel this pull to call her and get back together?? i won't do it cause i know nothing will change, but damn, why does it still hurt?? i mean, i feel like i got dumped. in fact, after i broke up with her i couldn't eat or sleep good for weeks. i was wreck. i can't date anyone yet cause it feels too foreign to me. i mean, part of our relationship was great and fulfilling and the other part, the part where you have to have stuff in common, have great conversations, was terrible. i know you need both, but it still really hurts. it's been like a 3 months after we broke up, but i have to admit, we've seen each other every couple weeks throughout this time. i know, i've gotta cut ties and i have, but it does still hurt. [/b]

[Mentor]

Excellent post!

 

I think that all of the people on this site who have been dumped need to read this and realize how hard it can be for the person who is leaving. When someone decides that a relationship needs to end, it does not mean that they don't care about the other person, or feel that they can do better, etc. On the contrary, it can be very hard to leave someone because they must have had a lot of characteristics that the dumper was looking for in a person, but not quite the right blend to make things work out. A happy, fulfilling relationship is a rare blessing.

 

Recently I also had to end a relationship with someone very special to me. It hurt like hell. I felt guilt for causing her pain, I doubted my decision, I worried that I might not find someone like her again. Having experienced both sides, I prefer being dumped.

 

Know in your heart that you are doing the right thing. You realized that this is not a relationship that was going to last long-term. You are doing the right thing for both of you to end it now, and not let this drag on. What would the logical conclusion to the situation be if you were to deny your doubts about this and try to force it to work? It only gets harder the deeper in you get, and one of you might wind up doing something really awful like cheating.

 

Try to avoid all the contact with her. You are not making it easier on her, or yourself. This is a big reason why this still hurts so much for you. Cut the ties. It does not have to be forever, only until you are both able to accept "friends" instead of "lovers". Expect this to take many months.

[charlotte_skye]

First off, i too am a BIG fan of being dumped then dumping someone.........when ur dumped, u cant do anything about it except accept it, theres no deep thoughts, regrets or wonderings, but when u dump someone theres the guilt, the pain the often regrets the pain of hurting them, the wondering if u should haves etc etc, i think alot of ppl believe if u dump someone that means ur over the r/ship, so not necessarily true!

 

I hav once dumped someone i cared VERY deeply for, i loved him but wasnt IN love. it killed me, i missed him, slept with his shirt to smell him ( lame i know) i even calle dhim n hung out wih him ( i thought so we oculd still b friends n that this would make him happier but it doesnt) but i did the right thing because i wasnt in love n i knew deep down i never would be.

 

i got over it, but i knda only fully got over it when he did, so i think alot of what ur goin thru is to do with feeling bad for them., n the fact its so on your mind is because U r the one who made the decision thereforeeee u feel like its up to U if u do get back together or not, so of course ur thinking alot.

 

My latest ex broke up with me 6 weeks ago, it was a very honest n purely good r/ship, we broke up cos hes unhappy with his life at mo n needs to work it out, n sufferes depression, i support this, we never fought n had an amazing r/ship, but at mo im very hurt because i took a month of no ocntact to get over the break up n now thsat i am over it enough to b friends i wrote him an email, just a quick hi how r u sorta one, cos i way wana know how he is cos of course i care bout him, he was very upset when we broke up, n said we would keep in touch eventually. BUT he hasnt writtenback n that hurts! but now im remembering what its like to dump n well maybe hes findig it hard, n maybe he isnt ready or wanting to be friends...........

 

what do u guys think?

 

is that how u feel?

 

do u really feel HURT when she writes to u or calls u or sees u?

 

cos when i dumped ppl, even tho i was upset it didt hurt me to hear form them it wsnt to painful....

 

is it poss its too painful for my ex to b in touch with me?

 

p.s MENTOR why did u dump ur ex?

[rk]

yeah, dumping and being dumped......damn. it's all so messed up. i mean, i don't know how to handle this all. it's like, even though i know i wasn't happy, i picture her or something and i miss her. i see something and i miss her. i knew that i couldn't keep seeing her and all that because i was sooo attracted to her and that really confused me a lot being so attracted to somebody. it wasn't a good feeling though. i don't know. i'm also dealing with her, although i don't know how or what she's doing cause she actually hasn't tried to contact me in a week, which does, definitely, mess me up when i see or hear from you.. i think the mind has a way of only remembering the good things or something cause i miss her, but as soon as i'd be back together, i'd be regretting it all. it's a shame that relationships can really damage you because i feel really damaged and confused about all of it right now. it's like, i just have trouble dealing with the fact that i left a beautiful girl who was in love with me and would do anything for me. she was generous, honest, sweet, but i couldn't really talk to her. we were on totally different levels and that's so frustrating, the fact that i knew it wouldn't or couldn't go anywhere and i had to choose the path of the unknown and lonliness as oppossed to dragging her along while i knew it wasn't going anywhere. frustrating.. i try not to think about it, but i'll actually dream about it too and wake up very unhappy. oh well right?? as for it being too painful for your ex?? well, it was or is WAY to painful for me cause i get very confused and forget why i wasn't happy, not that i 'm happy now, and that could possibly lead me back to getting back together again and the whole cycle would continue. i chose the low road in hopes that it'll pay off in the future. i've often asked myself why i can't just be happy or settle, ya know? it'd be so much easier, to not be so picky......if it's actually being picky?? i just want a girl that i'm attracted to and i vibe with on different levels. i'm done rambling. how did it only take a month?? damn, i'm soft or something!!!

[charlotte_skye]

rk,

 

Your not soft, it onl took me amonth of no contact because for the first time in my hstory of break ups i didnt have any issues i need or felt the need to over analyze.......u see in the past it would take me anything from 4 - 8 months to get over someone ( except my 1st love which took a yr) but i feel that, that was because i had things to worry bout, like if i dumped them i would sit for days on end thinking did i do right thing? ow im lonel..........should i get ack with em? or if i was dumped things liek did he ever really love me? what did i do wrong? etc etc n i think this leads to not being able to move on........but with mark, my ex, i had nothing to worry bout becaus ei had COMPLETE trust in him n his decision n i KNOW he loved me n i KNOW he hasnt done anyting to hurt me, n i know i TRULY love him because for the first time in my life im ok to let someone go because its what he needs n like they say if u love them u will set them free........i never used to believe that

 

You are amazing i think, u r in this situation whre u could be so unstable n messing with ur mind n hers but u r smart enough n strong enuff to know that it wasnt right n to stand by it even tho u miss her.......if the spark wasnt there then it just wasnt there.........but i think u do need to ask yourself was it not there or did i not want it to be there deep down, subconsciously. Is there something that makes u so picky? is it a defense mechanism? DO U NOT WANT TO GET CLOSE TO PPL N USE THIS AS EXSCUSE WITHOUT KNOWING?

 

I used to be like that. I was scared to get close, i aways saw things wrong with ppl.......eventually tho, if this is what u r doing... u will loose someone, try n get em back n when they dont come back realize how stupid u r being.......thats what happened to me

n thats the worst feeling. just make sure this isnt relevant to u.

 

To me it sounds like u do love her, u way care bout her, but ur being putt off cos its not perfect. If it is that u truly have nuttin to talk about with her etc then i think ur doin the right thing, but if u still love her even tho u have nuttin to talk about i think u done wrong thing cos u still love her even tho u have nuttin to talk baout n all that matters is the feleing u get..unles sit causes probs in ur rship.......u just need to work out whats important to u

[rk]

charlotte,

you know what, i did want to get close to her and i have thought about all of that stuff about the not wanting to get close, fear of intimacy, what happened to me in past relationships and all that jazz. in fact, i've thought about it and read on those topics cause, like i said, i haven't found somebody that it just feels right with, like we just make sense together and that's all i want. it always felt forced with her. i knew that there were things i liked about her, maybe even, quite possibly loved about her, but in the back of my mind, all the time, there was a voice that was saying........"you two will never work long term." we were really different and the one part of us was great, the physical, the cutesy stuff, but the part that i was really missing was the intellectual part, the part that should've been like......."oh my gosh, i can't believe we've been lying here in bed talking until 4 in the morning." we never had that, so in answer to your question, yes, i have thought about all of that, but it's one of those things that i have to walk away from, even though it is so, so hard to. in fact, i just got another text message from her. i try not to even read em, but i did. that does set me back a little bit, so i won't do it anymore... here's the thing, if i have to think about it and wonder if it feels good or not, to feel guilty cause i don't think we're on the same page, then i don't think it's right and fair to either of us. i could be lonely my whole life, but i suppose i'd rather be lonely than settle for something that doesn't really fulfill me. it sucks real bad, but what can you do except live life every day?? that might sound inspirational or something, but it's really not. i'm still scratching and clawing my way through this whole mess i got myself into and the reason that i say "got myself into," is because i knew, pretty much right away, that we weren't good together, that we didn't fit, but i stayed with it and tried to force it and see if i was wrong. essentially, i didn't trust my "inner voice," which was yelling at me and now i have all these memories and emotions which are still fairly fresh running around my head. it really sucks because, like i said, i haven't had somebody that i wanted to actually try things with in awhile and it didn't work and now i'm hurt and frustrated and lonely and all that stuff. man, this is cathartic!!!

-scorned man.

[charlotte_skye]

Gosh i dont even know why ur on here, ur so intuned, u understand and analyze ur issues thoughts and u do what u know u need to, its like us o got it under control n ur doing everythin right i think.

 

i guess its just the remaining feleing crappy about it that brought u here, i sympathise.

 

do u reply to her messages?

 

do u ever send her any?

 

Like i said i sent my ex n email, basically just said i wanted to know how he was, that im movin out soon which im happy bout, n that im not gonna just go on n on bout me n that i was sorry for lack of intresting content but just wanna know how he is........really short n no pressure........he never replied........n now im more hurt then i was when we broke up, cos that i understood, n that i can accept cos i want what he wants, but this, this is diffrent, this is syain to me he doesnt want to b in touch with me that we arent goin to b friends n that i aint so cool with, that hurts me, cos i dont get it, we didnt fiight, or fall out, we dont ahte each other, we both admitted we stil had feelings when we broke up ( of course i did but he said he didstill also) so its not that we hate each other, or he has any reason to hate me, so why arent we able to be friends? we said we would be.

 

if he isnt ready yet to b friends or whatever, why cant he just reply to my email sayin hi i just not ready yet but i will call when i am or even anything, even just a hi, why cant he just do that? isnt he scared that by not replying i will get hurt? like if i didnt reply to him i would be scared that he might not talk to me again. isnt he scared i will do that to him?

 

he could NEVER exspress hwo he felt, ever, he used to cry out of frustration, n that would lead me to crying cos it hurt me so bad to see how hard he was tryin just to simply say how he felt but he just couldnt, its kinda why e broke up, so he can get over his issues, n work it all out. he would b in full tears out ofrustration, it was heartbreakin to watch.

 

he wrote me an email like 2 days after e broke up just to again explain, i guess he cares bout me, he always had made sure he did what was right by me. but in the email he said he di.dnt kwo why he broke up with me n that it gets to point where he doesnt even knwo what hes feeling and that he was wrong to say to me that we had a slim to none chance of getti back together but that he needed to work out his issues

 

i dunno, i just dont get it, why he cant just reply with even just a hi, which leads me to thinking hes just ot wantin anythin to do with me. which also way way confuses me.

 

do u get it?

[rk]

well, you've asked why i'm on here?? well, cause i still second guess it all, everyday. you know, like how could i feel strongly about somebody and it's CRAZY that you said he had depression because i too, suffer from anxiety and depression and it ran rampant when i was with her. i broke down in tears more times that i can count and i hugged her so tight as if to say never, never let me go, but i always just felt sooooooo frustrated that we didn't click how i wanted to and in fact, that was the root of my anxiety. (since breaking up with her it has subsided.......a lot) i couldn't believe that i was giving this up.........again. i say again because i was in a similar relationship that lasted 2 years and i was unhappy about 1 year and 2 months out of it. i was madly attracted to her, she was sweet, caring, but we were just too different as people. i didn't have a friendship with her. it was all boyfriend/girlfriend. you need both. i saw where this was heading, but i didn't want to end it. i prolonged it, i tried to convince myself i was crazy and that i just had a fear of committment or intimacy or something like that. i talked to friends who could absolutely see where i was coming from but my guy friends were like....."dude, she's hot man. are you crazy??" and that really bothered me. i am a sucker for a hot girl, but i'm not shallow. if i'm gonna give my time and energy to somebody, i want to really mean it, not be half-assed about it. like sometimes want a girlfriend and sometimes not........like, be out at the bars hoping that the girl of my dreams would appear. she didn't make me better than i am now. she didn't make me grow, she didn't stimulate my mind and maybe i'm on here to keep reminding myself of it because remember we broke up in early january and i'm STILL dealing with it, BUT, there have been phone calls, late night rendevous, that sort of thing. the problem with these things are that........they're always gonna be intense and passionate and great, but then you return to real life and it's not. it's still real hard to picture her with other people and all of that and she's still connected through the grapevine and i hear about her and vice versa which sucks, but in answer to your question about the being "friends thing," well, do you really want that?? i mean, can you handle that?? won't that just be like a slow torturous death?? i know for me i couldn't handle that because how could i see her and keep be reminded of what i CHOSE to leave?? i chose to leave her and that irritates me and bothers me to no avail because i can honestly say that for the first time in a long time, i am ready to meet the right girl.

like the other guy said on here, i'd rather be dumped any day of the week than have to choose to leave and it's even harder knowing that that door is wide open if i want to come back. that's the hardest part, that she keeps saying, in so many words and actions, "i'm here if you ever want to come back," she's even said, "if your lonely and just want to talk.." yeah right, that's soooo much harder. i have been in a situation though where it was pretty serious and close to love or whatever, but i left and to this day we're great friends, so maybe it's just situational and what you can handle, but i can't handle seeing her cause i breakdown and i'm blinded by her beauty and i can't stop from tearing up because i left her and there's so many great things about her, but there is also, undeniably, something missing and i couldn't, as hard as i tried, overlook that fact. so.......in my long response to you, it's tough to be friends after all of that. there's too much pain, longing, frustration and people's motives for friendship 9 times out of 10 is a ploy to get them back. i mean, what if in your "friendship" he talked about another girl or something?? that would kill you!! she says or has said that it hurt her feelings that i ignored her after what we had been through and i agreed with her. it's terrible, it sucks to be ignored.......but, it was what I HAD TO DO. i had to do it. i had to choose myself and my feelings because it messed me up bad too, not just her and she couldn't understand that but i just couldn't take the drama and pain of it all. it was too much. my energy was drained real bad. anyways, i am on here cause i feel a lot of times like there is something wrong with me, like i'm jaded or have issues and i probably do, but i have, HAVE, to believe that if the right person comes along, it'll feel natural.....at least a little more than this did. wow, this is a long reply!! sorry about that.

rk.

[charlotte_skye]

Hey rk,

 

I oce had a bf who did what you did, except he didnt give me the benefit of letting me move on, he kept me there sayin one day he would hopefully change, be able tobe with me, it was months of tears, held on hugs, goodbyes and finally i left the country to return to my home country, and to this day he still talks to me although we lost what we had now because it faded out from all the maybes and what ifs.......it just hurt so bad , it was so prolonged because he wasnt strong or selfless euff to just let me go............your doin the best thing u can do by lettin her go, dont second guess it.......it hurts, it hurt that guy i was once with im sure but well were still not together, it was never goin to be, he knew that n thats why he broke it off but he obviously had the tormen u ahve now of second guessing it cos there were feelings there, but i think u know what your doin is right n im tellin u it is also because she needs u to b strong enuff to note mess with her head, what she is ogin thru is SOOOOOOOO confusing, cos ive been there exactly, to have this guy u love so much say he just cant be with u even th o it hurts him to nt be with u n he DOES have feelings for u is the most confusing thing to hear ever.

cos u have all these possibilites ie: feelings missing you, but your not together n not oging to be cos they choose not to be.

 

I dont know why im tellin u this cos i know u know what ur doi is right, but i guess when u said u second guess every day i thought this might be of some comfort form someone who knows what SHE is feeling n that what she needs if for u to not go back on what u say UNLESS u have stopped second guessing n know for sure.

 

In my own opinion though, im scared u r afraid of commitment , but i dont know u so i cant say, but ur story is veery similar to that of the guy i was once with ( not my ex as ive previously posted about, he was an ex b4 him) n he used to have anxiety attacks ( after every time he saw me, which makes me think it was the anxiety of not being able to BE with me) n well he admitted to me in end he couldt committ, that he could only ever get close to a girl agian if he KNEW FOR SURE it would work, n well theres always reasons a person can think of if they think hard enuff n stress hard enuff for things that could make the rship not work, but maybe these things r just exscuses they make up form fear of the rship.

 

I can imagine ur confusion, i hate it when u dont understand whta ur feeling, its the worst. All u do know tho is that u rnt clear headed n so best thing is to not be with her or talk with her, if u really wanna know if its a prob U have maybe get some counselling n find out. maye think really hard on whether when u start to feel like u arent gettin along with a gil is when ur starting to feel its gettin too serious, ur gettin too involved or attached........that should give some indication........

 

when u ignored her was that straight after u broke up? did you explain to u were going to ignore her n it was cos u needed to cos u hurt?

 

I do wanna be friends with my ex, is such a long involved story.......he gave me so much.......im not talkin romantic story exagheration here, im talking i was NEVER goin to date again after i had a VERY abusive rship, i lost friends etc everyting after this rship cos i had NO TRUST left i humanity, i had nuttin, i was scared of ppl......... then i met him, he showed me there r still good ppl, he is the only person i know who is alll good in heart, n i cant bear to loose someone like that. of course it would hurt to hear him talk about a new gf, even tho he said he cant be with someoe til he sorts out his issues, i kow he may, but i would wanan b friends

 

if he didnt break up with me, i prob would have with him, as he needs to get better, he does need to be happier n get a job n feel better bout himself b4 he can committ, i understand this enuff........he needs to get self esteem n then b with someone, when hes happy with himself n his life.....

 

I just dont uderstand why he didnt reply to my email.........even if he needs time like u do, why couldnt he just explain that?

[rk]

yeah, i did explain that to her, about my feelings and why i can't talk to her. i explained it about 20 times actually. she just kept saying...."well, if you still have feelings then we should be together," and "your wrong about us." i actually did ignore her straight afterwards, but i broke up with her and went back about 5 times, which i feel bad about. in answer to that, i just said, that there was too much not there, that i need to be there if i'm gonna commit. after months of torturing myself, however, i have come to the conclusion that all i can do is have faith and hope that if the right person comes along, it would just feel natural, like i almost wouldn't have a choice but TO BE with them because it felt good and right. this felt good sometimes, but like i said we were just too far apart intellectually, spiritually, artistically etc. today actually sucks real bad because i woke up to a voiceamail saying how lonely she was all alone at her apartment and how she just wants to see me etc. she's from out of state and she stayed in state for easter and then i got ANOTHER text message from her this afternoon. i won't lie, part of me is tempted to call her or go over there, but i'd be right back where i was. i know that it's confusing for her but i never loved her how i felt like i should, like she loved me. i'm basically waiting for this all to just go away, ya know?? it's like, i just want the old me back. i think he's coming back, but it just feels like forever since i've felt good. i never really felt fulfilled with her. we'd be sitting on the couch watching t.v. or something and i couldn't take the silence. i just felt so far from her and that's the feeling i couldn't stand. i couldn't take the silence. we didn't talk "for hours" on the phone, cause she wasn't very interesting to me. it was never a comfortable silence. she never "got" me. i don't know, today is kind of tough and i do wish this would all just go away and it's not easy when she keeps calling and texting. if it is a "fear of committment," what could i possibly do about it?? i mean, if i don't feel good with a girl, how do i trick myself into it?? i would actually love to have something good, but i'm not the kind of guy to call somebody my girlfriend or be exclusive with somebody if it doesn't feel really good or right or i think there's a future there. i know there will always be a possibility that it "won't work," and i don't think that's what i was afraid of, i just think that i felt it wasn't working. i think i'm taking this bad too because i just turned 29 and i'm getting tired of seeing people in love and all of that. i feel like i should be there too and that makes me feel even more defective. i know you say i'm being good to her by not calling her and good to myself too, but damn, it is really tough sometimes trying to do the right things. temporary satisfaction is so tempting. we always had a great physical relationship and it's like a drug that always left me a little too empty. yeah, rough day, rough day. by the way, i do appreciate the advice.

rk.

[charlotte_skye]

Your welcome for the advice,

 

i guess like i was sayin about that guy i was once with.....even tho he kept me hangin on we never did get back together, even tho he got happier in his life and he felt he could committ, or so he said, we still are not being together..........there must have been also somethin missin for him, otherwise he would have got back with me.

 

he also used to say to me he prayed he was able TO BE EXSCLUSIVE WITH SOMEONE by time he was 30. he even put a time limit on it he was so scared of being like it forever.

 

I can understand better now u pointed out that u feel ur gettin older n not having the one. That must put huge effect on this.

 

Even if it was commitment phobia i guess u cant do anytin bout it exccept b aware of it next time. i think ur just upset she asnt the one tho.

 

your one of the good guys, even tho ur scared of gettin older u rnt just stayin with her to fill that void, u know she and u deserve more, n u arent leading her on or goin back n then leaving again anymore...........ur strong n even i will thankyou for that cos u have no idea hmuch it hurts her not understanding, i know.

 

i knew she would think exactly what i did.........the whole if u have feleings for me then why arent we togeher? GOD THATS CONFUSING.

 

we seem to think that is all that matters, but sometimes u need more than tha for it to work.

 

im intrested, when u said u explained to her u would be ignoring her cos it hurt u to chat, did u tell her that you would ignore her b4 u ever ignored her or did u explain it after u had been ignoring her already?

 

did she ask u why u were ignoring her n than u explained, or did u tell her out of your own choice b4 she mentioned anything?

[rk]

charlottee,

i absolutely let her know that before i started the ignoring process. i told her that it would be way too hard and confusing for me. actually, maybe not the first time we broke up, but after that, i knew it'd take awhile to get over this and i guess i was thinking that after i said all the things i said about us not working, she'd kind of understand and let it go, but she hasn't at all and by her calling and all of that, it's even harder to forget cause it's a constant reminder and on a day like today, all i do is picture the good things about her, but like i said, the minute i got back with her, i'd want to leave again. so weird. but yeah, i talked extensively about it with her and why i couldn't continue talking to her or be friends with her. if i did, i'd never move on from this. it would always be great in some aspects and bad in others and i can't deal with holding out hope that something will change in a relationship, not after 6 months or whatever. i did that before, like i said, for 2 years and it just didn't materialize how i wanted it to and that hurt like hell but it was somewhat of a clean break. as for this current girl, i even talked to her friend about it and said, "hey you've got to talk to her and tell her that she's gotta stop, it's messing us both up real bad." it was getting unhealthy and i guess it just didn't produce "good" feelings in me. i always was uneasy and didn't feel good. as for her not understanding, it sucks because i don't even fully understand. maybe i will understand when i meet somebody that it feels right with and not forced. i don't know and that's the toughest part, ya know?? as far as being upset that she isn't the one and the age thing having a HUGE affect on this, your absolutely right. it's a weird timing thing. she seems to think that "having feelings" automatically translates into wanting to stay together, but unfortunately, really unfortunately, that's not true and yeah, that sucks cause what do you do with these feelings?? i actually feel like i would be able to commit to somebody, if most of the components were there. i know it could be confusing to hear that a guy has feelings but can't be with you, but sometimes, at least with me, i feel like it's not even my choice, like something in me won't let me be with her you know?? like, even if i was like, "i'm gonna make this work damnit," i couldn't go back, i wouldn't let me or something inside me woudn't let me and that makes me soooo frustrated. i have been with a girl or 2 where it felt good for awhile and i felt like it was going someplace, but circumstances changed things but those felt like healthy, good experiences to me. this didn't. this felt very unhealthy. she didn't make me better or make me grow. she says i made her better, but i don't know. how could i if i kept leaving?? actually, i don't even care, i just need it to stop. i don't take anything in this world as hard as this sort of thing. it's getting better and i know time heals all, but right now i just want "time" to come a little quicker.

rk.

[charlotte_skye]

Thanks for your reply.

 

I just needed to know whether u told her u were goin to ignore her or not in regards to my situation with my ex at mo.......

 

like u said about ur girl u explained that it wouldnt work n so u thought that she would understand n let it go..........thats what i did with my ex, he told me, and i care bout him enuff not to pressure or hurt him by continuely asking why n calling him. i understand he isnt able to be with me n that he still has feelings for me and so i leave him be.

 

But now its been over month i was ok enuff to b friends n as we have no reason at all to not b friend si expecte dhim to reply to my email........as u know he didnt n as u know im not gettin over it......isnt it funny, i can let the rship go but i cant let him not tellin me he cant be friends or even just replyin with a hi go, i just cant moe on form the thought that he can think it ok to not even explain to me why he is ignoring me...........

 

that hurts more then anythin else.........cos makes me feel like i didnt matter n that he isnt who i thought he was

[jul]

I know what your going through. Ive just done the exact same thing - i broke up with my b/f of 2 and a bit years and feel shattered. Everytime i think about him ill start crying, or ill think of something we did and ill miss him terribly. It's been only 2 weeks, so it's still early, but its so hard for me to not go rushing back and tell him im sorry etc.

 

The reason for breaking up was similar - we had fun and he was sooo good to me, but there was something missing. There would be a times when i would find myself wondering if there was someone else out there that i could "talk to 4am in the morning", or that has more interests similar to mine; because i COULDN'T talk to him about things. We would go out for dinner and talk about nothing really. How can you base a relationship around that? I can imagine we'll be 70 years old and sitting around in silence. I need metal stimulation, i need to wonder about things together, know what i mean?

 

But then i just think, maybe i should just settle? He was so romantic, funny, unique and caring, will i EVER find a guy like that again who will love me as much as he did?

 

It's SO hard. I agree, i think its easier sometimes to be dumped.

 

But the thing is, if i do get back together with him its going to be the same problems etc. I've come to realise that it's just not fair on him and me to keep thinking, while in the relationship, that I want to be with someone else. But i miss him SO much!! and my heart aches for the happier times with him. There are two stories coming from within me: my heart saying get him back; and my head saying no. What you said about remembering only the good times is very true.

 

I know this is not much help, but i read your post it sounded similar to my story.

 

Any advice from anyone would be great.

[rk]

yeah, it's a really tough thing. i mean, some things so good and comfortable and some things so damn terrible. who needs to change? is it possible to change or see through something? i am a huge believer in mental stimulation. i mean, you definitely need both, but if somebody is boring or uniteresting or uninterested, it really represses a part of you. let me ask you, was it ever good conversation, i mean, was that part ever there and it has just gone dry or was it always missing because like i said, i have been in something where i waited and waited for us to "click" like that and we never did.........SO FRUSTRATING!!! but, i never had that. i had the infatuation phase, the winning her over phase, the mistaking deep, connected sex for love phase, the getting mad at her because she wasn't what i wanted phase, the fighting phase, the breaking up and getting back together phase............damn that was terrible. as for answers, i don't have em, but i do know that there is no more lonely feeling in the world then when your sitting with somebody you supposedly "love," and you feel so far from them, like asking them "what's wrong" and them saying nothing and you being like, "well then why aren't you talking," man, oh man, that's terrible. anyways, yeah, was there ever that feeling of mental connectedness, like you two were in on the same joke together?? like you it was you two against the world?? is that possible?? am i too picky?? cause that's what i want and i suppose that's something that would make me happy, ya know?? my whole thing that i was writing about started to go that way, like the why can't we talk way, do i need to do something different or something else way and then i was like, if it's not there after awhile, it probably won't be there. maybe i'm wrong, but that's what i think. i've met people and immediately felt like i could talk for hours with them and if i find a girl like that that i'm attracted to, then i'd be cool. anyways, yeah, that's my take.

rk.

[jul]

hey rk

 

its so true when you said that some things are great and others are really bad - but then after i broke it off, i could not think of one bad thing that was wrong with him or our relationship. But i suppose that is the way the mind works. But it's been 3 weeks now and im starting to remember again about the communication problems that we had, and it was bad. I just wasn't able to talk to him about anything. Like, i would try and sit down with him and talk about our problems, but he would promise to stop doing this and try and work out that etc etc. But things would never change. That's probably the reason i left the relationship, because i just wasn't happy at all. His support and romance was great, but the communication was just terrible.

 

I think we "clicked" for a while because when we first got together we talked quite a lot about things, but they weren't really deep and meaningful. Towards the end it got really bad coz we'd talk about gossip or really menial type stuff. It just wasn't stimulating, and looking back now i really know what you mean about being the lonliest person in the world when you are together with someone and you just aren't connected.

 

Are you back with her now?

 

I haven't spoken to him in about 2 weeks. We've gone non-contact. It's not what i would LIKE to do, but i think it is definitely the only way to fully heal. It's really hard though coz we work at the same restaurant so i see him sometimes on the weekend when we work together. It's the worse thing, to work with them in an environment that is so... professional.

 

Do you still keep in contact with her?

 

Also, if i had stayed with him because it was "comfortable", then i can imagine me looking back going, "what if there was the right person out there for me and i just wasn't looking for them?". I'd HATE to marry someone and look back and totally regret it. It's not fair on them if you are half-hearted about the whole relationship. They deserve to get your full devotion and if you arn't prepared to give it to them, then i can't imagine it ever working out.

 

I still miss him so much, but sometimes i wonder if some of it is missing the love and security rather than him. It's really lonely after being so intimate with someone for so long and then not seeing them again. But i think it's for the best. You'll find someone out there that is going to be right for you. And they won't make you a bit happy, they'll make you REALLY happy. You have to believe that. And i don't think you're being true to yourself (or them) if you "settle" for something thats less than what you want.

 

sorry for the long post

 

*jul

[rk]

no, i'm not back together with her, i actually stopped contact w/ her. blocked her from my email and delete her texts and all of that. it's definitely getting easier and i'm happier than i've been in awhile which is weird. i'm kind of happy being alone right now. i think life is made up of seasons and i think i'm in a season of growing or something like that but yeah, the only way to do it is no contact i think. it's soooo hard to do and don't hate yourself if you do contact him, it's a process, but i would just try to say that in your confusion, try not to confuse him more ya know?? i told my ex that i didn't feel like being a mind f---- to her. i didn't want to be the guy who says that i can't handle this and then pops in every once in awhile to see her and confuse her and me in the process..........which is what happened. who knows, i might even of been more inclined to be that way if it didn't confuse me too, but it did. anyways, yeah, if you need time, then take it and let him know that's what your doing, but if your gut is telling you it's not gonna work, then i don't know, i think your doing the right thing. the thing i would stress is that only you know what's right for you and that's just the way it is. you don't always have to agree with it and you won't, but sometimes, for whatever reason, you just have to do things and you don't understand why and all you can do is cross your fingers and hope you didn't lead yourself astray, which is probably impossible.

rk.

[jul]

thanks - what you said helped. This week has been a low one. Last week was good, so i don't know what happened - actually i think it was seeing him at work. I don't want to quit, but i think i might have to because its just too hard to see him, and im sure he feels the same way. I am really missing him.

 

But there is this feeling way down somewhere, that is telling me i did the right thing. But for some reason im not taking any comfort in that. I don't understand it, so i suppose all i can do is rely on it. I would like to get more in touch with my feelings and i think during the post-breakup weeks i actually have. Like you, i feel i have more real time for myself.

 

*sigh* i just hope it gets easier. i feel like sad-sack (anyone remember the raggy dolls?)

 

I think its really great that you have had the strength to stop all contact from her. How do you feel about it? Im sure it would be getting easier by the week, but do you have "down days"?

 

I think for me to actually break up with him, something must have been quite wrong, even though i miss him so much now. And when i think about actually getting back together, something always stops me from acting it out. I think i did the right thing but it still hurts like crazy.

 

Crossing finger,

*Jul

[jul]

+s !!

 

 

lol

[rk]

yeah, i have the same thing, about thinking about getting back together, like even dialing her number and having something just NOT let me go through with it. this is a really hard deal and yeah, i definitely have down days. i had a really down weekend actually and i'm glad to be back at work to get my mind off it. i'm a teacher, so you have to always be thinking about what's going on, but anyways, yeah, this weekend was really bad for some reason. she still sends me text messages like "i miss you," and cute stuff like that, where i just want to go over and see her. that's when i have to mentally walk myself through the process, like.....o.k.....you go over, you hug, you tell her how much you've missed her, you have make up sex, you hang out, maybe watch some t.v. and cuddle, and before you know it, your right back where you were and your wondering how to get out again. i guess my major problem is the fact that i was so attracted to her and that it can get pretty lonely without somebody. i don't even know if it's her though. i mean, when something happens to me i was never like, i want to call her and i want to tell her about it. she was never the first person on my mind for that kind of stuff and that bothers me. i hope i'm not being too picky, but if i'm with somebody i want to be WITH somebody, ya know?? like, "hey, i'm here and i'm not going anywhere." i always walked on shaky ground with her, keeping my fingers crossed that one day we'd just totally vibe on another level than the cutesy, physical stuff. like, one day she'd just be totally interesting to me, make me laugh, i don't know?? is that too much to ask? i have been asking myself a lot lately if i should go back to her because she keeps leaving that door WIDE OPEN. that's the hardest part of all. i guess i don't want to just tolerate somebody and i've never been the type to call somebody my girlfriend or stay in something that i didn't think was really pretty cool or could really go someplace and i've never been one to jump from relationship to relationship and i NEVER wanted to introduce her to my parents. i felt like they'd see through the fact that she wasn't right for me, that she didn't make me better or something.. i feel soooo crazy and confused. but yeah, as far as you working with that guy.......whoa is all i can say. that's gotta be torture!! i couldn't handle it, but you might just have to learn to if that's your job and you don't want to quit. how long were you with him?? anyways, if you get time, tell me i'm doing the right thing again......haha...

rk.

[rk]

oh yeah, i'm not sure if it's so much strength as trying to keep my sanity.......maybe it's a little of both, but it's tough either way.

rk.

[tarheelfan]

RK,

 

I just want to THANK you immensely for posting this. I am actually the opposite of you (in your girlfriends shoes) and have NO IDEA why my relaitonship ended. It has only been 2 weeks. I am a wreck and can't get anything done... I called her and left her a VERY nice but NOT emotional voicemail and of course heard nothing back.

 

I know in my heart she is gone... but reading all of this helps me a GREAT deal and gives me a comfort I have not yet had. So... thank you.

[rk]

i'm glad my experience helped someone. good luck man.

[jul]

You're doing the right thing! Just keep doing what you're doing- thinking about what it would be like actually in the relationship. Yeah it is torture working with him, and its getting me more and more down. I think i might leave. I think about him every day. Its gonna take me a while to get over him thats for sure. We were going out for 2 and a half years. It was pretty serious though, like our parents even became friends! Im 21 and he's 24. And im still thinking about getting back because he would take me back straight away - as you said the door is wide open. I think i miss him most as a friend, because we just don't talk to each other anymore at all, except at work when its work stuff. It is really lonely.

 

Ohhh tell ME im doing the right thing...

[rk]

i don't know what to tell you, i mean, what do you tell you?? could it ever work?? are you going through a phase or something?? what do you think the percentage of good times vs. bad times were?? what was missing between you two?? what if you went back, how would it be?? have you gone back since you broke up?? i guess i need a little more info. how is he doing? are you seeing somebody else? sorry to bombard you w/questions. as for me, well, i messed up to say the least. all that strength...out the door. she called when i was feeling really low, i went over to talk and it was terrible. she told me that she had "made out," with her old boyfriend while we were broken up, clearly to get under my skin, which it did, and i realized that i could never go back to her again. we have no respect for each other and it's turned into a huge mess. i guess i'm sad because i realize that it could never work, ever, and a part of me, somewhere in the back of my mind wondered and now i don't know if i've entered the "acceptance" part of it, but it's really sad. i just don't know how it's gonna go from here, ya know?? like, how do i go from being in this unhealthy, crazy mess to meeting somebody it works with?? i also wonder if i'll ever meet somebody it works with. part of me thinks it was good that i saw her again, but it hurts nonetheless......again. it's gotten very unhealthy and crazy. i can't handle it, but these days get so mundane after you've been in something where all your senses are heightened, even if they're bad. i know i shouldn't of gone over there, but what can i do now?? i tried to fight it off, but i was too weak. i kind of hate myself right now and i hate that i'm in this mess and i wish that magically it would all be done cause time goes so slow sometimes. i guess i have to keep reminding myself why i wasn't happy because i never was. i was never really happy with her. i guess i just have to accept it, that's all i can do. i don't even know if i miss her, cause i don't think i do anymore, i just think i miss something familiar or something. i wish i never met this girl, i really do. i feel like i was o.k. before this and now it's a struggle everyday.