moral dilemma...sorry long

[amanda22]

so my bf and i broke up in dec. we had a bad breakup the month of dec. then we didnt talk in january. in feb, school started and we had classes together. we sit by eachother and are doing the whole friend thing. the friend thing works as long as he doesnt talk about his gf.

 

anyways, i constantly have to hear about how great this girl is and how since the day he met her she is the one and how after 2 months of going out they exchanged promise rings and she is the sweetest kindest person ever. needless to say, i always had my suspicions...i mean NO ONE is perfect.

 

so, somehow her ex bf gets in touch with me. to sum it up, we vent about them and how they broke up with us so they can be together and we uncover lies and truths that they told us.

 

here is the thing. he told me that my ex boyfriends new gf still talks to him, her ex bf. and that she tells him things like, "i know one day we will be together and i can still see myself with you and having your children and is it ok if i still say i love you?..." she tells my ex, her current bf, the exact same things, " i want to marry you and i want your children, ect...."

 

my ex is a really sweet guy and i dont want anyone disrespecting him or playing him. he is so into the relationship he is completely oblivious about what is going on, but if he knew he would be hurt.

 

for example: my ex is dying to wear his promise ring to school. he hasnt because he knows it would hurt me and i dont want him to. but he is going to next week because he says it is disrespectful of his relationship if he doesnt wear it. his gf on the other hand, has denied she even has one to her ex twice and they hung out once and she didnt wear it.

 

in talking with this girls ex bf, it seems like she plays alot of games and she lies to guys to tell them what they want to hear....she is so good at it guys never notice.

 

this upsets me because i dont want her to hurt my ex. i know we have broken up and have had our difference but i still care about him more than anything.

 

i dont know what to do. i want to tell him so he knows what is really going on but i dont want to hurt him, but if i dont tell him he wont even realize he is being disrespected or he can end up getting even more hurt after more time goes by.

 

i know im the ex, but i am also a friend and if this were to happen to any other friend i would tell them.

 

anyways, knowing these things are killing me inside. i am so torn. i feel like i should say something, but dont know if i should or how. and if i dont tell him and he finds out about it and then finds out i knew about it all along he might be mad i didnt tell him.

 

some people say i definitely should and he needs to know. others say that it is none of my business and to not get in the middle of it. others say tell him once, you know, speak your peace and then dont bring it up again.

 

its so hard to sit by and do nothing. sometimes i look at him so in love and i feel bad because he has no idea of her other side.

 

AARRRGGG....i dont know what to do!!!!!!!!!!!! PLEASE HELP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[CarterJonas]

I think that you need to be careful here and stay out of it; I doubt whether your ex. will believe you in any case. He is after all not your problem anymore since I assume he broke up with you! My advice would be to steer clear of him so you can move on yourself.

 

goodluck

[amanda22]

i just feel terrible knowing these things and not saying anything. i still see him twice a week at school and we talk. i somehow feel that im lying to him by not saying anything. i feel like a phony by keeping my lips shut. almost like im vengeful by not saying anything, like gee i cant wait for this to blow up in his face. i just feel bad by not saying anything. sometimes my stomach gets in knots thinking about it.

[CarterJonas]

I can understand but I would say nothing; ever heard the saying 'Don't shoot the messenger!'. He might just think that you have ulterior motives. Instread of thinking of him i would concerntrate on yourself to heal from the relationship.

[MetallicAguy]

That's really nice of you to watch out for him like that. Inform him about this and tell him she's a user!

[DN]

It is a real dilemma. I think I agree with Carter, not least of which because you are hearing all this from her ex b/f. who may not be telling the truth but could have an ulterior motive.

 

You could tell your ex that you prefer if he doesn't talk about his new g/f as it is upsetting for you.

[CarrieB123]

Another thought is that the information you received is false, maybe your ex's new g/f is still desired by her ex. and he may be using you to break them up so he can have her back, just a thought.

 

opps I think DN just said that, oh well, it might be the truth.

[amanda22]

i can see where you guys think her ex is lying but too many things add up. for example: he tells me, wait till she starts complaining about her weight to him...then my ex tells me how his new gf complains about her weight or even better this one...

 

my ex is talking to me about how his girl said she would NEVER hang out with her ex. she is sooo busy and if she had any time to spare it will be with him (the current bf) i tell this to her ex bf and he goes, "oh she wont hang out with me?...ok give me a sec" next thing you know they were having lunch the next day. he said he asked and she happily said yes.

 

i know there is a possibility he could be lying, but too many things add up. btw, he really doesnt like her anymore considering she really messed with him and lied to him. he actually almost despises her...so then what would be his motive?

 

so i think he is telling the truth. and here my ex bf that i care about is running around thinking he is in the perfect relationship when it is anything but.

 

if my ex and i did not see eachother there would be no prob. but i see him often and we are suppose to be 'friends'. i feel bad keeping things from him.

[amanda22]

oh yeah, and i told the ex bf that i am going to say the truth to my ex and let everything out and he told me not to. so, i dont think he is using me to break them up.

 

i dont know, i just get really protective of people i care about. i cant stand knowing that there is someone out there disrespecting my ex. he is a nice guy and is putting 110% into the realtionship. he doesnt deserve this.

[lady00]

If i were you I'd stay out of it...if your ex's gf is really the person her ex says she is, your ex will find out for himself. If you tell him, chances are he won't believe you. You heard the way he talked about his gf and how into her he is...he'll just think you're trying to break them up.

[amanda22]

i dont know if he will find out. her ex didnt really know what kind of person she could be until he talked to me. they went out for 3.5 years, and he was surprised to hear some of the stuff i told him. she plays games really well...too well.

[amanda22]

sooo, if i stay out of it...what do i do about these horrible feelings im having? how do i look him in the eye and pretend everything is ok? i feel like a horrible friend

[DN]

If you feel you must say something then you could tell him but make it clear that this is second hand information from her ex and it may be suspect.

 

But you must be prepared for him to be angry and/or dismissive and that you may lose his friendship.