Unhappy with nice guy?!

[jasminebose]

Ok, you guys have been great help in the past and am hoping you will again!

Here's the problem: Been married nearly 3 years and have always felt something is missing. I love him but not in that crazy head over heels way that I have for past guys. It's weird, I feel like I couldn't have designed a better guy to be with (faithful, totally in love, responsible, kind, sweet, spends time with me, etc) but I am not satisfied. Being way too analytical, I've been thinking about how I always seem to be drawn to 'emotionally unavailable' men (first one being my dad who left when I was 7). No sob story intended! Anyone got any ideas how to be happy with a seriously nice guy? Am I insane or can someone relate to this??

JZ

[RayKay]

I am glad you are addressing this issue to look for a solution, rather then taking the "easier" way out as many do and run to something more exciting!

 

It seems you do already know your past of being attracted to those who are emotionally unavailable, and another part of it may be that you got married at a rather young age and ARE still young.

 

I think you need to reflect on why you married him in the first place, if you were never totally head over heels for him and see if that might be part of the problem. And then next I would suggest would be looking for ways to fall in love with him and rekindle feelings - tell yourself all those qualities you said in your post about him all the time...soon your heart might just follow. And, if you yourself start giving him love and being affectionate, you will probably discover that you do love him more than you thought.

 

Happiness comes from within ourselves, and it cannot be based just on the person we are with - so work on yourself too. Maybe it is not so much you are not happy with him, but are not entirely happy with yourself so are looking for something to at least get some feeling going - with emotionally unavailable men it is pain, but it also allows you to NOT feel and be more "safe"...so look at why you are attracted to that. Develop your own happiness with yourself and you may find that you are already with the perfect man, you just had not opened your eyes to it

 

Make sure that these feelings are not just the result of being young, and being married so young - as it is very possible they are. You may also want to look at going to counselling to sort out just what your feelings are and how to turn them into positive ones.

[lady00]

I've never been married but I can definitely understand what you mean about being with a nice guy who you're not head over heals in love with. I've been in that situation before and I found myself constantly comparing the way I felt about that guy with the way I had felt about others in the past. I ended up breaking up with him because I realized that although he was a nice guy, we were not romantically compatible. I don't know if you're in the same situation. Have you tried to do anything to reinvigurate your relationship? Something that jumps out at me in your post is that you're not satisfied with the relationship. This strikes me as a big problem. Has this always been the case? If this has something that has developed over time maybe you just need a boost? Maybe try something new that you two have never done together?

[jasminebose]

Thanks for both replies. RayKay- you raised a good point about happiness coming from within. I think I do tend to expect too much- and esp. for other people to make me happy rather than trying to do that for myself. You are also right about it being to do with marrying young, looking back on it I don't think I was ready for that commitment. But I recognise that he is a great guy and I am not willing to give up on us just cause I feel a bit of discomfort.

Lady00-I don't think it is that we are not romantically compatible- I think he's really cute and do like being with him. Maybe my expectations of relationships are too high? I think I tend to look for problems in life! Not just in relps, so in answer to your question, I'm not sure I've ever been totally satisfied with any of my relps!! I think I need to change how I'm looking at it, but I'm not sure where to start.

[Cecelius]

As just a small curiosity and not a criticism, if you'd had some awareness of something being missing, can you put your finger on why you got married?

[jasminebose]

Well, Cecelius, hope you are not as harsh with me as with cheating girl!! The reason I got married...I was bowled over by the fact that he was so in love with me, treated me like a princess (and hasn't stopped), wanted to take care of me and was a really nice guy. I felt like I loved him too and still do, but in a logical way (e.g. it makes sense to me to be in love with a man like him) rather than an emotional way (e.g. i can't stop thinking about him)

JZ

[Cecelius]

Not my place to be harsh. You seem to be looking for an active solution, I just wondered how you got into the position.

 

I was married young too; its better to figure it out early rather than till it simmers too long

[DN]

The key to being drawn to bad guys may be the fact that your father was one and left when you were 7.

 

It could be that, sub-consciously, you are trying to prove something about your relationship with your father. Maybe that if you can get a bad guy to stay with you it will make up for your father having left. Father-daughter relationships are very important for girl's self esteem and emotional development. If yours was flawed then you may be trying somehow to put it right. Some self analysis on those lines may help you appreciuate your husband.

[BillyJean714]

Quite honestly, I'm in the same boat as you JasmineBose. My father passed away at a very young age. I never had anyone to watch my back. I went through a few traumatic experiences with men that's scarred me for life. It's almost as if I can NEVER ever trust any man that I'm with. I can't help it, but it's like it won't go away! I have a nice guy, but I'm scared that he's going to turn around and hurt me. Then those feelings of childhood trauma come back to me again! It's almost like a spell. I swear, it's as though I feel cursed.

 

No matter how positive I am with my life, how happy I am with where I came from, I just can't trust myself even with the nicest guy. I just have these bad hunches that 'the nice guy' will turn out to be like all of the people who hurt me in my past. I don't know if you can relate with me on this, but I do know how you feel.

 

It's almost as though there's this emotional block, right? Like you can't just let go and enjoy a good relationship for what it is. You expect someone to screw you over again. I'm not saying that I have a "The world is against me" kind of attitude. I don't, because I'm happy with myself, and I love the people around me. But, bottom line, when it comes to relationships, I always feel hurt, and I don't know why.

 

Nice post though..~Billy

[greenowl88]

All I can say is, you love who you love.

 

There are different kinds of love, and it sounds to me like you love your husband in a non-romantic way. It sounds like you never had those kinds of feelings for him. I think a lot of times when people are in a relationship together, the love they have changes, but for it to be a lasting relationship, that romantic love should have at least been there in the beginning.

 

If you're one of those people that believes in true love, and romantic love then my suggestion would be to do something about it. Are you FULLY happy where you are in your life with your husband? Can you imagine yourself being happier?

 

Ask yourself those questions, and then decide what you want to do.

 

Good luck!!

[volution]

"Crazy head over heels" never lasts. It's that initial hormonal-based infatuation that everyone feels must last forever, lest they lose it and then no longer will they be in love. People often confuse this feeling with love, and it's why so many relationships end after about a year or 18 months - lo and behold, that's when the chemicals start to wear off.

People think they are no longer in love. Perhaps the best way to describe it is they are no longer in lust! Love and lust - two different things. If you lose lust, but you have love, you can get it back.

If you lose love, no amount of lust will ever get it back....

 

Can you explain exactly why you are not satisifed? You must get to the root of the problem. It could be in the past, as you have mentioned.

Do you fear that your husband will leave you? Do you obsessively check for signs and signals that he is doing something unfaithful.

 

You have some kind of unresolved issue(s) to work through. If you can both do this together, then the rewards and the relationship will grow stronger...

If you leave and try and find eternal butterflies with someone else, you will end up repeating what happened, and never find true fulfilment.

 

Good luck.

 

Just My Two Pence

 

Ok, you guys have been great help in the past and am hoping you will again!

Here's the problem: Been married nearly 3 years and have always felt something is missing. I love him but not in that crazy head over heels way that I have for past guys. It's weird, I feel like I couldn't have designed a better guy to be with (faithful, totally in love, responsible, kind, sweet, spends time with me, etc) but I am not satisfied. Being way too analytical, I've been thinking about how I always seem to be drawn to 'emotionally unavailable' men (first one being my dad who left when I was 7). No sob story intended! Anyone got any ideas how to be happy with a seriously nice guy? Am I insane or can someone relate to this??

JZ

[greenowl88]

I'd also like to add that good men like that are hard to find. I'm sure a lot of women would be very envious of you. Now I'm not saying that just because he's so great that you should stay in a relationship you're not happy in, but it's just maybe a way of saying "You don't know what you had until it's gone".

 

Try to picture your life without him. How does it make you feel?

[jasminebose]

Hi guys,

Thanks for the posts. Want to respond to each, first of all, DN- what you said hit a nerve with me. I think you are right on about getting a 'bad guy' to stay with me being somehow a way to make up for my dad leaving. It really made me think and I talked to my husband about this over the weekend. It helped a lot, so thanks for pointing me in the right direction. Understanding my possible motivation helped.

BillyJean714-I'm sorry you're stuck here too! What I've been thinking about (which might help you too) is to try and fix my self esteem. E.G. I have a tendency to want to justify why someone should want me as friend/girlfriend (like I'm not good enough implicitly), if I can build myself up maybe I (/we) will start to feel like we deserve the attention of a really good guy (instead of some guy we have to convince to stick around). What do you think?

Greenowl88- you might be right about my love for my husband being nonromantic and I did think that too. However my gut instinct tells me he is the right guy for me and that he can teach me a lot and can make me truly happy, so am not giving up on us! Esp. as you are right good guys are hard to find and when I picture my life without him..well I'm not sure I can picture it at all. So maybe I just need to appreciate what I have more. How to do that?!

Volution- I don't fear my husband will leave me and am sure he wouldn't cheat. I think you are right I might just be craving that 'lust' feeling which always wears off, but is really fun at the time ( ). I think in some ways I don't feel I deserve him and what I said to BillyJean (lack of self esteem) is probably the problem. I'm just not sure how to relax and enjoy my stability, am used to stress and drama. When we argue in a weird way I feel calm as it puts me in the familiar pattern of having to convince someone that I am lovable (when they don't seem to think so!). When he just loves me without me having to do anything I'm not sure how to be. Not sure if that makes sense.

JZ

[volution]

My ex also said to me on various occasions "I don't deserve you", "You are the best thing that ever happened...", "I don't know what I did to get you..." etc.

Most people are unfamiliar and often frightened by unconditional love - love that is just given without ask of return or requitement.

My ex wanted to do everything to please me, yet when I tried to do things for her, she resented them.

[DN]

Thanks for the posts. Want to respond to each, first of all, DN- what you said hit a nerve with me. I think you are right on about getting a 'bad guy' to stay with me being somehow a way to make up for my dad leaving. It really made me think and I talked to my husband about this over the weekend. It helped a lot, so thanks for pointing me in the right direction. Understanding my possible motivation helped.

 

I am glad it helped. It would probably also explain your self-esteem problem. Parents are supposed to love us and support us - not desert us. And so when they do leave there is a sense of abandonment, and very often young children blame themselves. "If I had been good he would have loved me and stayed" or "He does not love me enough to stay and thereforeeee I must be not worthy of his love". These feelings sap the self-esteem and you start to believe that if your dad can't love you, no man ever will really love you.

 

You must convince yourself of these truths:

 

It was not your fault that your dad left.

 

You are worthy of any man's love

 

Once you recognise these statements as being true, and they are true, you will have a much more positive view of yourself, your husband and your marriage.

[Royltnxile]

"Quite honestly, I'm in the same boat as you JasmineBose. My father passed away at a very young age. I never had anyone to watch my back. I went through a few traumatic experiences with men that's scarred me for life. It's almost as if I can NEVER ever trust any man that I'm with. I can't help it, but it's like it won't go away! I have a nice guy, but I'm scared that he's going to turn around and hurt me. Then those feelings of childhood trauma come back to me again! It's almost like a spell. I swear, it's as though I feel cursed.

 

No matter how positive I am with my life, how happy I am with where I came from, I just can't trust myself even with the nicest guy. I just have these bad hunches that 'the nice guy' will turn out to be like all of the people who hurt me in my past. I don't know if you can relate with me on this, but I do know how you feel. "

 

It's almost as though there's this emotional block, right? Like you can't just let go and enjoy a good relationship for what it is. You expect someone to screw you over again. I'm not saying that I have a "The world is against me" kind of attitude. I don't, because I'm happy with myself, and I love the people around me. But, bottom line, when it comes to relationships, I always feel hurt, and I don't know why. "

 

Billy, OMG...you sound exactly like the girl who just broke it off with me on Valentines Day. I'm a "nice guy"! She has issues, and your post reminded me so much of her. Her big thing is that she "doesnt want a relationship"...I like what you said about the "emotional block"....I would love to hear more about your situation. This has been tearing me up for weeks now.