Faking a Non-Orgasm... Confused? Read This!

[Hopeless_Dude]

Guys and girls, I've got a problem that's really sinking it's fangs into my head.

 

Btw, thanks for coming!

 

Okay, it goes like this.

 

My girlfriend's a great girl and everything. I feel secure and perfect in every facet of our relationship, except one- the bedroom. I'm sure many guys would agree with me: this part of the relationship- the sex, is actually ranked high up there on the self-esteem and relationship list. We've only had intercourse like, what, three times, but I've managed to fail on all occasions to get her to climax (according to her). She even asked me last night: "what exactly do you mean by a girl coming? Can girls orgasm?" What she said just blew my mind off...

 

Okay, that's the part of the story everyone has in common. Sure, 'we haven't done it enough' or 'I'm still a kid' or something like that is going to get thrown at me. Sure. I can take it. I've been reading up on these forums for a while before I actually had the frustration to make this post.

 

Where the story gets interesting (totally unfigurable) is at this bit:

 

One night we decided to just muck around with each other. You know- everything 'but' actual penetrative sex. We started off by making out for ages, then feeling each other up... soon, I had lost only my top so I was half naked (I wanted to keep it that way, I made up my mind I wouldn't be taking off my pants) and she was down to her underwear. I took off her bra, played around with her chest a little bit- stimulated them the best I could and, only when the signs looked right- slid a hand down to her crotch. (No oral happened that night.)

 

She read the lines quickly and slipped off her final piece of clothing before I got there. Holy goodness, I thought to myself, I must be doing something right!

 

Anyways, I slipped two fingers into her and played around with her. My other hand was working on her chest. My mouth was all over her neck and shoulders. Damn straight- I was multi-tasking like a machine. I actually thought I was doing alright. Throughough the masturbation, she started to reel back, pant heavily, try to clamp her legs together... I could even say I felt spasms with my fingers... was she coming, I thought, or was she just in pain? I didn't get it... I was going gently but firmly... isn't that the optimal rate? Soon after, she changed her position to lie down and then she became real dry again... I became a bit suspicious- did she just come? Soon afterwards we got dressed and she walked me out of her house- she even said she couldn't walk right because her legs felt like jell-o. I was like 'oh-kay...'

 

Now- after that night I had the biggest ego... I'm not a boaster, but I sure felt real good about myself and I did keep my pride to myself. I felt like I actually straightened up in the sex part- that my relationship was flying perfect! Boy was I wrong...

 

We were making out very recently and I went down to kiss her neck. That's when she said, 'you must really like kissing my neck?' I was like, 'yeah, don't you like it there?' and she replies, 'I really don't feel anything there anymore...' I said, '... what? have I desensitized your neck or something? you used to like it and now you don't?' she says, 'yeah i think you have (desensitized it). I don't know, I think I'm just a very (physically) insensitive girl...'

 

During this very revealing dialogue she also admitted I have never once gotten her to come- she gave me the usual 'it doesn't matter, we can fix it thing' but guys, seriously, call me an insecure, stubborn jerk, but this is really important to me. I am trying hard, I'm reading all I can, but it just feels like she's teasing me or something- doesn't it? Like she doesn't wanna give me any credit... I feel like she doesn't want to tell me so I can try harder, but c'mon, tell me I'm doing great and I'll try harder anyway and I'll at least have a restored self-esteem to boot.

 

Seriously, when we do it- she seems so into it and from the physiological signs (the spasms, the blushing), I think I'm doing 'something' right. But afterwards it's always the same indifferent look and shrug and 'good luck next time' speech. I'm getting sick of it. I'm seriously thinking of breaking up because my mind is that screwed up because of this...

 

Guys, and girls, please save us and our relationship!

 

1) Do girls lie about being satisified in bed?

 

I'm not saying I'm a sexbomb or anything, but what if I'm actually doing good, too good, and she'll think she's just stroking my pride if she tells me I'm doing great?

 

Alternatively, I can see that she wouldn't want to tell me to encourage me to try harder... It's a smart plan, but it's tearing me up.

 

2) About that night we fooled around...

 

I've read thousands of post saying that oral is usually the best way to get her there... I've never performed cunnilingus, but I'd be willing to do it if it'd definetely get her to orgasm AND to admit that she orgasmed.

 

But- regarding the recount above... I did pretty well, didn't I? From what you could visualize- was I actually hurting her or was I doing something right? Make an arbitrary judgment here.

 

3) What do you mean DESENSITIZED!?

 

Okay, I've heard of cold fish before... but damn, can this really happen? I'll often alternate between her lips and neck. I love targeting her neck because it feels great when she does it back on me...

 

But is it TRUE!? Can I do it so much that her body actually becomes accustomed to it? She says she hasn't felt good from neck kissing for MONTHS!

 

4) Lastly, is the problem with me, personally?

 

Physically- I've really, literally, trained to get into shape for the bedroom. I've done stamina work (I'm talking about the real muscles) in the gym and all that and I've tried to get my ticker fit for sustained action. I've always made sure to do a little...err... self-loving... at least TWICE before the act. And on top of all this, I do the stop-and-go method and I feel like I am getting better at holding it back.

 

Sure it's only been three times with this girl, but you can't be that bad if you can last two hours of VIOLENT, bed-shaking (I'm not blowing my head up- the neighbors complained, and we were doing it in a house) stop-and-go penetration. And this is the third time we had sex.

 

So- tell me what I'm doing wrong? Is it possible I am trying too hard and her sensing this is turning her off? Am I too good to be told the truth (and I mean that in the most modest, desperate for an answer sense)? Or can it still be impossible to come after that kind of method?

 

 

 

Okay guys, I've written you all a friggen novel here. Please forgive me and all of you really do have my sincere gratitude for having read a little, let alone all, of my post.

 

Godbless and I sincerely hope our relationship survives...

[sexygrl19]

You seem to be doing a PERFECT job to me!!That actually sounded kind of hot.And it definitely sounded like you gave her an orgasm.I don't know why she would do this,but maybe she just doesn't want you to know.And I don't think it's possible for a female to get tired of being kissed on the neck.I absolutely love it.Makes me go crazy.Have you actually sat down with her and asked her exactly what she wants you to do?If not,maybe you could try that and then let us know what happens.

[ayekasong]

I've never heard of someone becoming desensitized, but I suppose that it could happen... but I am certain it would take a lot more than just a few heavy makeout/sex sessions for this.

 

Some women don't come when they orgasm. Could she just be trying to be a smart allec? I'm not sure why she would not admit to having an orgasm, though, it is pretty difficult for women to reach orgasm the first few times.

[Hopeless_Dude]

Thank you sexygrl19 and ayekasong so much...

 

The encouragement really is picking me up and clearing my head. = )

 

Hmm... something you said just occurred to me, ayekasong. Is it possible for a woman to orgasm, but not know that she did? I mean, if a girl orgasmed for the first time, would she definetely know what just happened to her body? I know it sounds like a stupid idea... but could it be the case? Maybe she keeps expecting herself to 'ejaculate' in an orgasm and because she isn't- she doesn't think she's reaching a bona fide orgasm...

 

Interesting...

 

What are your views, people? Please keep posting!

[arwen]

If she is a virgin and has never orgasmed, it might be that she doesn't know herself.

 

However, most women do not orgasm by going inside the vagina (which is what I can infer from your description, sorry if I misread but enjoy the following).

 

Try stimulating the clitoris: if you have your hand on say her tummy, stroke down, get in the genital area, there is a 'button' more or less 0.7 inch before getting at the place where you can do the actually entering Soft rubbing that 'button' should do the trick. Even then, it takes practice to make her come.

 

LOL ! Sorry, I am really laughing because I WISH for some boyfriends I had that I told them this roadmap to female orgasm, so to say.

 

You sound like you are really a great and careful boyfriend to her. I think she is all new and nervous to this as well. That's not because of you, but just because it's the first time someone is touching her so intimately, I should think.

 

As for the faking part, yes we do fake lol. I still do at times when it just doesn't work and I KNOW it won't come. Men associate sex with the CLIMAX (which is not to say that they don't like the part before of course). And of course women like to climax too, however, we don't have the same biological urge I think.

 

 

Hope it helped

 

Enjoy practicing a lot and don't worry, you're doing great, everyone needs to develop these things. If you'd have sex with another person later in life, you will notice that it's different again, and that you will be a bit insecure in the beginning as well.

 

I am 25 and my bf of 3 months and I also had to get over some shyness in the bedroom at first. It's completely normal.

 

Ilse.

[baddasslegend92]

I think for a woman to have a orgasm it has to be mental..No matter how good you are, if the woman is not into it she's not going to cum in my book.I have never once had a woman not cum for me everytime we have sex,When I ask them they tell me that its all mental..I don't know why she will tell you she never came when she did!!Woman love to tell you when they cum..If she not cummin for you, its not you or her, And try not to try to hard.If she's into you she will have orgasms everywhere.skeet skeet!!!!

[CrystalDawn]

It could be that she was raised to think that she isn't supose to enjoy it. Or that enjoying something like that is wrong. It could be that she likes it so much and is afraid that once she orgasms then you'll stop everything. It could be several diffrent things also. Talk to her calmly about it and see what she has to say.

[jaiva]

If she is a virgin and has never orgasmed, it might be that she doesn't know herself.

 

I agree. Maybe she doesn't know what an orgasm feels like. But to me it sounds like she did have an orgasm and just doesn't know what to call it. The uncontrollable rhythmic moving was a sign of her reaching her peak.

 

About the desensitizing. I don't actually believe that happens. Maybe she didn't like it in the first place and now she's tired of you doing it. Ask her what she likes and what feels good to her and then go from there. Relationships are about team work and communication.

 

Hope I helped!

 

Jaiva

[Hopeless_Dude]

Thanks a lot to all of you! You guys have been a major help! = D

 

Hehehe, now I just have to wait for her to get back from one of her chem engineering exhibitions...

[AlleyCat]

My view is a bit different than most others have said. First of all, yes, a lot of girls will lie about being satisfied in bed. However, I don't think it's the norm for a girl to say she wasn't satisfied if she actually was. It's also important to remember that an orgasm isn't always necessary for a girl to be "satisfied" with sex. Often, an orgasm just isn't going to happen.

 

As for the night you fooled around... I don't think anyone could tell you based on that description that she definitely had an orgasm. I think she would know if she had, but there could be people out there who don't know. Your description actually makes me think she didn't orgasm. The fact that she pulled her legs together and changed positions leads me to think that what you were doing was really just too much for her and she couldn't relax enough to actually have an orgasm. I can't speak for all women, but too much pressure will just make me squirm, but will not make me cum, especially at first. It sounds like you need to start slower with her. When you're first touching her, you should be reeeeeeally gentle (and pay attention to her clitoris). As she becomes more comfortable and more into it, then it's okay to go a little harder. "Gently but firmly" is a little vague - at first, anything resembling "firm" will just make me squirm and not even come close to an orgasm.

 

As for being desensitized, this probably has absolutely nothing to do with the actual sensation of you kissing her neck, but more the way it makes her feel mentally. Something that is new and exciting at first can become almost boring after time. That's really not her fault at all, if that's the case. If that doesn't turn her on, try something else. Also, keep in mind that not everything that feels good to you will feel good to her.

 

Oral sex will make a lot of girls cum, but I would never say that it will "definitely" make her cum. Of the 4 guys who have gone down on me, only one was able to make me cum. For me, it probably has more to do with my overall attitude about oral sex and my inability to relax during it, but it really doesn't do much for me. I would definitely recommend at least trying this. Again, start out very gentle.

 

Above all else, DO NOT blame her or yourself if you can't make her cum, and don't expect too much. If she's trying too hard to cum, it will make it even more difficult. It could just take time. It took *years* with my current b/f before I could cum regularly (and he really tried). It takes time to learn what feels good for each other, and for many people, it takes time to be comfortable with the other person enough to just relax and let go. Also, some women never cum during sex. That's not their fault, and it's not necessarily their partner's fault either. Keep in mind that it is quite possible to enjoy sex without actually having an orgasm.

[ywl]

My reply is very late date-wise.

 

She did not have an orgasm. Definitely not. She would have told you...and, yes, she would have known.

 

I've spoken to many women and for those who are able now to achieve orgasm with their partners it is usually after a lot of honest talk and often after *years* of trying. Many women until they find someone they want to be absolutely open with (and at a time when they want to be honest with themselves) will fake it.... So give her credit for being honest and not pretending. This takes a lot of courage and is the first step. She sounds like she's a keeper, and, likewise, you do too.

 

There are loads of possibilities...I think it is important for men to go down on women (besides its possible outcome it is also a way of celebrating her body). There's always also books, talking to women friends about their experiences, classes to learn...

 

Mostly, take your time to learn WITH her. Be patient. Don't let your pride contribute pressure. She is worth it, for her sake...