Dealing with the ex...help required

[h_b_k_02]

Well, I use to post once and a while but fell off this site for a bit. My situation is difficult to say the least, bordering on strange.

 

My ex-girlfriend has finally started to see someone else. We were together for 5 1/2 years, and she stopped loving me. No romantic feelings for me etc...

 

Well, in any event, I went thru the pissed stage, begging stage, etc... Now doing NC (well, 6 days last week, and she called). I am now on day 2 again. My question is: how to do NC when I know she will still call? See, she calls about once a week, just to see what I'm up to, etc. If I tell her I'm doing NC, her parents call me and start talking about how I shouldn't give up and how they really want me to marry their daughter. Ya, nothing out of the ordinary yet. If anyone can relate to this though, I am white, and my girlfriend is Filipino, so that is where it becomes a little eerie. Her mother has spoken to me twice in the last 2 weeks and both times broke down into tears about what is going on.

 

In any event, the parents were always so great to me and I don't want to disrespect them because right now they are the closest thing I have to her. We talked last Friday, her parents don't approve of any new bfs she may bring home, they want her to be with me.

 

It seems as though she would be fine with NC at all. This is why I am at a crossroads. I can surely do it, but I don't want her thinking I will eventually call her when I'm ready because IMO it is on her to do so. She has told me at times we are over for good, and then will renege and say "we'll see."

 

Anyway, there are countless situations in which one minute she does one thing, then like the next minute she doesn't care. I get the impression she simply has cold feet, but am really unsure.

 

Case in point: about 2 months ago, we're sitting in a bar. She notices a waitress hitting on me, and proceeds to tell me how I could do so much better. This was based solely on the waitresses looks (I am fairly attractive, oh yeah, big ego too LOL). So anyway, my best friend sees her about a month later with some ugly dude. I mention this to her and she says looks aren't everything. I asked her why she would say that about the waitress then. She said she didn't like how she talked. LOL, she didn't say one word to this waitress so she was definitely being superficial.

 

Oh, just venting, that's beside the point. She likely will call on Sundays, so I suppose maybe the best solution will be to merely turn the cell off? I blocked her from MSN already. Just, how do you know when you are ready to talk to her? I asked her on a trip to Cuba in the summer, so she said we'll see. Sometimes I get the feeling it's over and she doesn't want to be with me anymore, other times I get the feeling she is merely "sowing her wild oats".

 

So my question is, how much time should really be given to someone that just refuses to talk about the concept of "US"? Really, when do you know where the other person stands when they don't tell you?

[cassiana]

I am confused about her parents. Parents should be for their children. If their daughter doesn't want you, why are they hoping that she will go back to you?

How old are you and your gf? that is very significant.

 

If your gf is going through a wild oats stage then her parents being on your side will only work against you. To give in and take you back would to be to lose face. It will look like they are getting what they want. None of us like that. if it looks like you are in laegue with them she may turn away forever.

 

other than that I reckon that you are the perfect NC candidate.

Do not contact her, be busy and when she calls turn on the timer. After ten minutes tell her you have to go.

Do not ask her about her relationships.

Do not tell her how you miss her.

Do not volunteer any information about your own life.

Do not beg.

Do not ask her out.

 

Read all the other mail here. theres a great one about winning your ex back.

 

Good Luck.

[h_b_k_02]

We are both 23. That is why I find it strange, her parents are actually taking my side, which is a little bizarre. She yells to me because her parents are giving her stress. I called her parents, told them not to force her back to me. I informed her of this, the parents are still bothering her, and she gets mad at me for telling them to leave her alone.

 

She told me to move on, I told her that moving on meant it's over forever, nothing would ever happen again. She shied away from this, saying I want that if you're going to be like this (I was pissed at the time). She told her parents she needed time, then denied saying that to me. She asked her mom if she could go to Cuba with me, then told me she had merely asked if she could go away.

 

Her brother asked her if she missed me, she said sometimes. I asked her, she said no. Her parents asked what happened to buying a condo with Geoff and moving out, she asked her mom "You would let me?".

 

I already know, if and when she wants me back, to play it by the book, very cool and "I don't know if I can trust you or if you can prove to me you want that". I won't take her indecisiveness anymore, plain and simple.

 

This is no longer a matter of winning her back, this is a matter of her going to have to win me back if she wants. I suppose in a way it is good I remain in contact with her parents, who specifically told me that we are to be "secretly" talking. They love me like a son, and for that I am grateful to them.

[cassiana]

You sound like you are making all the right moves.

Where I live serious relationships at 23 are considered madness and socially very unusual but I know its different in the USA.

At 23 you both have time and you really need to taste a few fruit to find your favourite. that goes for you both.

[h_b_k_02]

To be honest, I'm a little old fashioned. We're each other's first and only, and that is how I always envisioned myself going thru life.

 

So not calling in general is cool. The only thing is it seems very awkward when she calls and we have like nothing to talk about.

 

I don't know, what to do if and when she starts asking me what I did on the weekend? Lately, I've been going out with buddies and getting drunk.

Not really too keen on telling her what I'm up to though, kind of better to keep her guessing. How do you side-step these questions?

 

Another snag, her friends and I aren't each other's favorite people. I asked her why she listens to them, and apparently she said if she was she wouldn't even be talking to me anymore.

 

One other thing I don't understand, if she doesn't miss me, why does she call at all? I just don't understand it.

 

One thing I know for sure, if she does have sex or anything like that with someone else, I know I would never be willing to take her back. I know we're not together now and it isn't my business, but quite frankly I would never be able to look at her and say, "You are truly mine". I'm sure many of you know where I'm coming from. I hope she doesn't make that mistake, because I would hate to hurt her in the end if she came back to me after that.

 

Oh, I'm from Canada, so very similar to U.S. style.

 

Sometimes she gives me the impression that if I just left her alone for a while, she would come back. But then I fear if I do this she'll just figure he's better off without me. Is this truly what I want her to think? Because in that case she may leave well-enough alone if her feelings do change.

[h_b_k_02]

Ok, well I talked to her mother yesterday, just small chit-chat. So anyway, my parents asked about her and they are heading out of town, so I talked to her online for a few, just asking how everything was etc. Then decided to just flip her a quick email. I told her that my parents were concerned, so just wanted to give them some peace of mind before they head away. I also told her that I am giving her time now so she and I can think things thru, and to call when she is ready to talk. I also told her about a good friend of mine that went thru a similar situation and ended up being heart-broken, and how I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I ever broke her heart. I explained that I am giving her time now so my feelings don't start to fade before I gave her this time. I then ended it by saying that at this point I want to share happiness and success with her, but also that I realize now that life will go on for me with or without her and not to worry about me.

 

No mention of I love you or I miss you, and NC starts as of this minute. This email wasn't overboard was it?

[codaaurora]

IMO, this was a good email, you expressed how you felt and where you stood, however, you must keep in mind that she is young (no matter how mature she is for 23) and it seems like she is already wanting a free life, but is afraid of it as well.

 

On the flip side, girls are more emotional while guys are more logical. She won't be able to just turn off her feelings for you. Once she has worked out her own personal issues, she will be better able to decide whether she is ready for love everlasting or not. Either way, your doing the right thing for you, which is the most important thing.

 

I remember when I was 23 and I broke it off with a boy who was too clingy, a few months later, I started remembering all the great things he had done for me, how he had treated me like a real lady, a princess. I called him and apologized for letting go of someone so wonderful. My intentions were not to get back together with him, but I thought he should know how much I did appreciate him. We talked for a while and then I didn't see him or hear from him until my 24th birthday, he showed up where my friends and I were and he was so changed! So sure of himself, so confident! I was immediately attracted, but, unfortunately for me, he was already with someone.

 

The good thing was, that he was happy, and I was happy for him.

[cassiana]

I was concerned when you said that you couldn't take her back if she had sex with someone else because she wouldn't feel "truly mine".

 

First of all, that sounds very unchristian and unforgiving.

What happened to hate the sin, love the sinner?

Secondly it sounds that your love is very conditional if not a bit controlling.

Thirdly. No-one is ever truly someone else's. We stay with each other because we care not because we are owned.

 

It scared me to read that and maybe that's whats scares her too.

You must respect her and you must not impose your value systems on her. All relgions are interpretations of God's law by humans who are fallible. Who is any of us to judge so harshly.

You must love her for who she is as a person, not as a virgin.

 

I think that you should ask yourself have you been a little too dogmatic in the relationship?

If you are offering her a gilded cage she won't come back. A relationship should be about freedom as well as commitment.

[h_b_k_02]

You know, I kind of agree to a point with you. The thing is she wasn't getting into anything serious right now, and obviously that would imply something more serious. She is not a casual sex type of person, and also knows that I am not.

 

Anyhow, 5 days N/C. I think she kind of knows now I won't call, that it is on her. I just hope when she calls she is ready and prepared to talk about our issues. She knows we cannot be friends, quite frankly I cannot bear to see her with someone else.

 

Well, she starts working near my area in May. I guess if she were to call, that would be the time. I'm already prepared for that conversation, but not ready for it now. Keep it very brief and if she wants to get together, sound busy and don't make it seem like I'll be going out of my way to meet up with her. When I do, ask her nothing about what is going on in her life and avoid answering her questions directly about my life.

 

Does this sound about right? I know she cares deeply for me and is open to the possibility of getting together again, but we both know it will take work.

[h_b_k_02]

Well anyway, as it goes, last week she got upset and this is when I initiated N/C. So it started last Thursday. All weekend, nothing. She had actually asked for real space and to let me do what I want, and she what she wants. I got the impression she didn't want to talk right now. We had issues and she said she didn't want to discuss them. Keep in mind she is seeing someone else.

 

Anyway, Tuesday night around 10:30 she calls with a puppy-dog voice, I missed the call (accidentally but would've intentionally, N/C isn't so rough), and she leaves a message asking me how I'm doing and saying "so much stuff to bring up" and she's just breen really tired lately, and talk to you later. It is Thursday now, and I don't plan on returning this call. My question is, if she persists to call, what am I suppose to say without getting her to go off the deep-end? She had asked for REAL space, and then she calls to find out how I am and talking about "so much stuff to bring up", meanwhile only 5 days earlier she didn't want to talk about that.

 

I figure simply do not call for a while. It really does get easier, and I'm only 5 days in. I figure I need the time anyway to change a few things about myself and how I act, and in the meantime keep her guessing as to what and where I am up to. But if she persists to call, and I persist to not return those calls, would this not scare her away entirely?

 

I really do miss her to death, and last week she said she didn't miss me. So how is it she doesn't miss me and now suddenly, after not even a week, can she be prepared to talk about stuff? Is she simply confused or keeping me as a 2nd option? She knows I would not be prepared to see her with someone else in the long run, and I want to make sure I don't fall into this friends trap because my feelings for her will and always will remain. I know this because as easy as N/C is, it was heartening to hear her voice on the message.

[cassiana]

Personally, I'm a little soft. If I started NC and my ex kept tinging, I would eventually answer. But then I saw that film "Sideways" recently. This guy hurt the girl he was getting romantically involved with. She ignored all his calls and letters. When she was ready she rang him up and explained this and they were reunited. I think you could give yourself a little time to think about yourself and her etc.

Joe Di Maggio loved Marilyn Monroe until the day he died despite everything she did. But he wanted her at home doing traditional female things and so he lost her. He got mad at that 7 year itch poster and that was the beginning of the end. If he had accepted her career he might have been able to have her longer and maybe save her life.

Nelson Eddie Loved Jeanette Mac Donald. She was his singer and co-star and her career was as important to her as his was to him. But he wanted her to retire when they married. The result. They never married.

In both these cases men wanted to limit women to old-fashioned stereotypical roles. But women like to stretch themselves too. I'm not for a minute saying you want this. But because you said you were old-fashioned I just wanted to give you some examples to make you think. If I were a man I certainly would be put off by a promiscuous girlfriend, however I wouldn't insist on a virgin either. All relationships are compromise.

 

Good Luck.

[h_b_k_02]

Today marks day 11 N/C. Most times are easy, some times are hard. I no longer segment by bad days and good days, b/c no entire day is any longer a rough one, just gaps of time that become hard.

 

Anyhow, my brother was speaking to her yesterday on MSN. They start discussing me and her and she said she is learning how to deal with not talking to me.

 

Anyway, after stating this, my brother asks her how everything is, and she states that she is busy, and real sad lately that I have seemed to cut her off. He said I haven't, just giving her the space she had requested.

 

She then said how she really misses talking to me, and when my brother told her I was doing fine, she quickly said that she would rather hear it from me. My brother said that won't be possible and she'll simply have to believe him when he says I am fine.

 

Well, then she caught my brother a little off-guard and of course, he told me all this stuff she was saying. She asked him if he thought she was throwing it all away. When my brother asked what she meant, she said that everyone seems to think she is. My brother asked if she was doubting what she did. She said she was not, and simply wanted an opinion. Of course, she knew my brother would have a bias opinion so I am not quite sure why she would ask this question.

 

Well, after reading this, does appear to anyone here that N/C is indeed working, even after just a mere 11 days? She may have assumed I would always be there, however now that she knows I am not always going to be there, is it possible she is doubting what she has done? I still do not plan on calling or returning her call if she does call, but just thought I'd get some varying opinions as to what this conversation and what she said to my brother means.

[cassiana]

That's not No Contact. That's some contact.

Instead of using the phone or email you are using your brother. She's telling him stuff in the full knowledge that it will get back to you. You have reassured her through your brother that you haven't cut her out of your life, just given her the space she wanted. That sounds like alot of contact to me.

This is the NC equivalent of dieters thinking that if they take leftovers from someone else's plate that it doesn't count. On both counts it does.

[h_b_k_02]

You got it all wrong. I am not using my brother for anything, she is the one that began talking to him on MSN. She knows she's been cut-off, she didn't need my brother to explain that to her. She began the conversation with him, not the other way around.

 

And my brother would never tell her she isn't cut-off. To be honest, not even sure what he said. I don't want to know. But he felt the need to tell me what she was saying.

 

I have done complete no contact for 12 days and counting. She hasn't heard my voice or saw me write a word, and I have just the one phone message from her which went unreturned.

 

I think I am doing a damn good job. My brother and her were friends, so I cannot tell him who he can and cannot speak to. I can simply not tell him to tell her anything about me, and he in turn respects those wishes.

[sadheart]

Well this is my second time arriving on this site (ever), and i decided to sign up this time around because this post really touched me. Sort of. K so i'm a girl just to let you know. Yea, this little relationship story sounds very similar to mine, just that 1. he broke up with me, 2. there was no contact for 3 months... then i decided to send an email... because he was trying to contact me and i told him i did not want to hear it. Well that was one month ago yesterday... and there was no contact from then until yesterday. But i had to check my email regardless, and i was tempted to read all 12 emails that were sent. (ridiculous). He made it sound like i was the one who dumped him... saying stupid things like "please don't ignore me"... ect. Well that pissed me off, and i had to break the NC. (I did no contact without even knowing what it was... I didn't realize what i was doing until i saw this site again... maybe it was done subconsiously). I was perfectly fine until i read the emails, because once i read it, i sort of broke down. I got so mad, then i cried. UGH. I'm mad at myself for crying. Yea so, he keeps asking if we can be friends. I said i needed to think (really i want to say no...but i dont noe if its because i'm extremely upset) and i'm planning on not talking for as long as possible. Maybe i can reach the 3 month mark again. I was soo close, but then i had to go and click on the emails.

 

Age?? Yea i'm not 23. But im not below the age of majority either. As for H_b_k_o2, when he said he wouldnt take her back if she wasn't a virgin (or implied if she wasnt a virgin), at first I was like why? But then i remembered, i thought the same thing... about my ex b/f. Like HE wanted to get married... things were serious. Then out of nowhere he breaks up... (committment problem). Then he wants to stay friends. Quite frankley i'm pissed off about the whole situation, and I don't know what to tell him. I'm going to have to answer him sometime right? He's just going to keep asking if we can stay friends. I'm going to not "contact" him in any way for a while starting now. It just makes me feel more weak. I don't care what anyone else thinks, if he were to go and sleep with anyone and then come back to me, he can kiss what's left of the relationship goodbye. I'm the one who is going to be sleeping with him (hypothetically), and I don't want to be thinking about who he's slept with ect. I wouldnt be able to stay in that relationship if i knew he was with someone else in that way. (first loves ok.... sorry for my naiveness). Yea all i can say right now that i'm really hurt and it was a LDR and a LTR. And my friends say i shouldnt shut myself out from the world, but really i don't want anyone else. I miss him alot...I love him alot... And if i can't have someone who i truly love, and who truly loves me back, i might as well be asexual. I don't intend on finding another guy.... My mind is made up about who i want. But then again i'm having doubts about staying in contact. I don't want to be a free ride... like i feel like he wants to "Eat his cake and have it too". Ex... having the comfort of knowing i'm still there to talk to ect, but not having any responsibility/heavy committment. But another thing that might bring problems is the whole multi-racial relationship.... sort of like h_b_k_02. But dif...stricter. I dont think this guys parents are going to be happy and will literally offer him to me. I also think my parents would have a fit. I guess i'm rambling on... but if anyone can give some insight as to what i can possibly say (sometime later, maybe 3 months from now) to this guy about styaing friends, it'd be appreciated.

[h_b_k_02]

Unfortunately, I too had to break N/C last night. She continues to speak with my brother and I had to step in and voice my opinion. Turns out, her puppy dog voice last week was an act, this week she chews me out for texts I had sent her like a month ago.

 

In any event, she did make a number of compromises to make things work, so I guess I kind of figured maybe it was time to make one of my own. I knew I wasn't ready to talk to her, but I had to give her peace of mind, I figured I owed that much to her.

 

We had a decent discussion, then I kind of blew up again. So anyway, I sent her an email explaining that I called for her, even though I knew I wasn't ready, and just really apologizing for whatever I may have said.

 

I then told her again, that she may call when she is ready, and that in the meantime I myself have decided to start seeing someone else. It was difficult for me to tell her this, and it was a difficult decision to make, but we all have to keep our other avenues open. Sometimes they need to see us be happy with someone else, so that perhaps they may panic and realize that the door to the future is being shut on them, not us.

 

The one thing I didn't get was how she said she doesn't plan on marrying this guy she is seeing. IMO, the purpose of seeing someone else is to see where it might go, to see if it does culminate in marriage.

 

I guess it's time to wait by the phone, and see what happens. She told me school is very hectic and that she doesn't do anything right now, but I take that with a grain of salt as well. I know she goes out and does stuff, so I really don't understand why she would lie about something like this. I'm completely torn right now, because I know I don't deserve this type of treatment, and neither does she. But I know she loves me and she refuses to admit it, she says she knows her feelings.

 

Anyway, I don't know, I'm a wreck right now. No sleep, constantly thinking about this situation and it just won't go away. I have no idea what else I can do. She didn't like N/C and made it sound like she could do it forever because it was so wrong of me, so I don't think this is any longer a viable option. I guess the only good news is that now it appears she is doing N/C, but now she has the power to control when she calls me. Unfortunately though, my back was against a wall and I really didn't have much of a choice.

[h_b_k_02]

Sadheart, I sent you a pm, but not sure if it worked properly.

 

Here is my take now on our situations. When they want to remain friends, IMO that means they are putting us on the shelf, they will not close the door on a future, they just don't see that future with us at present. If they were to close the door on the future, they would let us go, b/c they know we are hurting but would not leave their side.

 

I have never had a problem not talking to any of my exes in the past, and they have never attempted to stay in contact. 5 1/2 years is a long time, but to want to remain friends to me means more than just them still caring, they want us to be around, cause in the back of their mind they know we'd take them back in a heartbeat.

 

Anyway, I messed up, made contact, and now have to start anew. I will be implementing N/C again effective April 1 (brief online chat this morning, I tried but not my thing, so back to N/C). The quicker you do N/C the better. Don't give them time to be your friend b/c it also gives them time to develop a serious relationship with someone else while you're still around.

 

They dumped us, we need to show them that we're going to be just fine. That will make them stop and fear that we indeed are moving on (they tell us to do this, move on, but 9/10 times they are really trying to say move on but keep in touch, might want you back in the future). To be honest, she fears losing me as a "friend", and well, I feared of losing her as a "girlfriend" and that has happened, so why not give them a shake ourselves.

 

Don't call, don't return calls, don't do anything. After the first call you get, they'll likely leave a message. It is imperative, no matter how much you feel sorry for them that you're not contacting them, that you do not return it. Then a 2nd message will eventually come (or possibly an email). Fine, continue to not reply. Now they're either going to do 1 of 3 things: 1 forget about you, or 2 forget about you, toss and turn at night thinking of you, and they will explode, or 3 leave a tear-filled message or email telling us how much they miss you and how big a mistake they believe they made. While, 2/3 of those are positive for us, so I'll take those chances, but in the long run, if I can't have her as my girlfriend, I can't have her as a friend either, so to hell with her.

 

Look, N/C is only hard if you think you're doing the wrong thing. I knew I was doing the right thing and that is what made it easy for me. I know now what a MASSIVE mistake I made calling her back, but I learned from that as I have never used N/C before and this time, I am gungho. Blocked MSN, and I even erased her number off my cell phone (b/c every time I have the urge to call, it is usually while intoxicated, so now I'll have to remember her # and dial correctly, but I have friends that will stop me from calling).

 

In the meantime, change yourself, prepare yourself b/c IMO eventually, if they ever loved you, regardless if they still do, they will get in touch with you, and that is what you have to be ready for. When they are eventually able to break our N/C angle, we have to keep it short and sweet, like we don't have the time for them anymore.

 

They are fearful about losing us, so scare them some more. Eventually it will hit them on the head like an anvil, and either you'll have already moved on, or they will be crawling back, and that is when we make them pay for what they did so it doesn't happen next time.

 

In any event, I do have 1 thing that is bothering me about this whole N/C thing. When I stupidly enough broke it, my ex said she was mad because I didn't even tell her I was going to do that, I just simply cut her off. Is that a good thing or a bad thing? I mean, is it possible that N/C could actually make them more angry or care less?

[h_b_k_02]

Hmm, well back on 6 days N/C, have started seeing someone else and the ex is seeing same guy still.

 

Well, here is the thing, the last convo we had she said "You act as though I'm going to marry this guy, but I'm not". She was adamant about that. She said she needed time, ok. Anyway, that is beside the point.

 

After the last phone convo we had, I started seeing someone else. I was choked up on the phone and even online (MSN) the tension could be cut with a knife. So I decided to send 1 text message and get on with my life, put the pressure back in her hands. It read:

 

"We're both seeing someone else, and online I could cut the tension with a knife. Call me if and when you're ready to talk about us". That was last Thursday, haven't heard from her since.

 

The thing is, I kind of know that she will call, but really, I think it might just be to check up on me. So my question is: without being rude or anything to her, what would be the best way to kind of tell her I don't want her doing this and that I have made my feelings be known? Probably difficult to answer because I don't want to come off as rash or forceful or anything, but really I get choked up every time we were talking about anything than US and she gets upset every time that is all we talk about. I have already told her friends is out of the question so that isn't an issue.