Ex GF agreed to a phone call

[Ccottom]

I was the dumper. She was the dumpee.

 

Long story short we spiralled into a world of no trust, arguments and being too stubborn to actually forgive and forget (no cheating or anything like that). When we argued we both got into the habbit of not liking being accused and would shout louder and say worse things.

 

The last time i saw her was 1 week before the breakup, the breakup and any subsequent contact was done over text.

 

My stupid idea to get us closer and on better terms was to move in together, we were looking anyway but i panicked during the arguing and put money on a place, next argument, i saw her say to me she didnt want to live with me. I took that as she didnt want to be with me.

 

I only read her texts she sent today and i was so wrong

"Im feeling unsure about the house and everything i dont know what to do. I dont want that job in (my home town) and i dont know whether i feel comfortable moving in with you and us having that sort of commitment when you still constantly do things which make me not trust you. I kind of wish we had met each other in a few years because i feel like right now you dont understand what it takes to make someone feel secure and comfortable and like theyre in a serious adult relationship

But i love you so much and dont want to lose you

Ive been so confused

I feel like its the right person at the wrong time

I think we need to have a proper conversation about this though like on the phone or in person"

 

We never did speak on the phone or in person, i took that as you i dont want you and we went off into a standard argument. I ended it with her. You could say it was a sort of GIGs, where i wouldnt have the heart ache that i felt if i stayed with her.

 

I regretted that decision the second i made it, but she blocked me on everything (number, whatsapp, facebook, instagram, twitter) so there was no way to get hold of her but i needed time to cool off. It definitely was GIGs, i bettered myself, i took medication for my depression, i went the gym everyday, i got the big promotion i was going for, i got approved for a mortgage for my own house. Literally everything was perfect except she wasnt with me, nothing i could do socially or otherwise would cheer me up because i felt like itld literally lost the only thing i wanted in life. And it was my fault for walking away.

 

I looked on her social media sites yesterday when i felt really down and wanted to see her face. I was all blocked, i went on today and im unblocked on every one. Not only unblocked but she has taken them off private, made them public.

 

I talked to some friends and they said i should speak to her, it will clear my head to know what she wants, if she doesnt want anything then you know.

 

"Hey, I want to ring you tonight? I want to speak in person rather than texting..."

 

"Ok i dont finish work until 10:30 but im not working tomorrow"

 

"I will call tomorrow then, around midday? i also have the day off"

 

"Yeah thats fine speak to you then"

 

I want to talk to her about us, what went wrong and how badly i messed up and how i regret walking away, how i just want to get past our stubborness to each other and be how we used to be. How do i approach this call?

 

If she says she wants nothing to do with me then fair enough, her choice and i cant do anything BUT move on.

[Waraqqa]

Talking on phone or in person is definitely loads better than texting or even emailing for this kind of stuff. My ex came back recently and tried to "hoover" me back in via email. He always used to do that, and we always ended up fighting via electronic means! as I am incapable of formulating all the complex thoughts just on email, and overthink.

 

If at all possible, and if you don't live terribly far from each other, I'd recommend actual face-to-face in person rather than phone (esp cell phones). any kind of background noises can interfere, sometimes it's not as easy to hear each other, and you can't see each other's facial expressions and body language (which counts for a lot).

 

I met with my ex in person at a cafe. We didn't get back together, I never intended to (though he took me wanting to meet as a sign of hope, which was terrible, and at the end made a comment about it which now makes me feel guilty and I feel like sh---t), but at least it was a much more civil and productive discussion than email-fighting, and it cleared the air.

 

What I recommend specifically is to sit down in a calm place for some time and make some notes of 1) specific issues you would like to address, what you would like, how you'd like to go about it, any apologies that might need to be made etc. Also any grievances, but be careful and make sure they don't escalate and devolve into accusations, cuz then you'll be fighting again. 2) try to anticipate what she might say and how you'd respond - in an honest way, without too much defensiveness, but as you'd like to be constructive.

 

It is very important to get into the right mode and prepare even for the most unpleasant outcome - and then, just in case, prep yourself to respond in the most graceful way in case if that happens. It was terribly difficult for me today, we have so much history including toxicity. But I already brought that up and over-accused him on those emails, which I then regretted. So, at least in person, it is a good idea to be graceful and kind, and remember not to accuse the other person of anything, even if they deserve it, because then one can accuse the other person also. Anyway, be kind, be forgiving, be constructive and positive. If things are not ruined with you two beyond repair as with us, there may be hope. So, keep it together regardless of whether or not she does! Even if things don't work and she ends up doing or saying something you don't like, at the very least, you should like what YOU do and say! B/c that's the only thing we can truly control. The other side is totally out of our control.

 

Good luck!

[Ccottom]

Is this Itinery if the convo any good?:

 

1 bring up good memory times we had

2 tell her i made a mistake, i was a and stubborn and completely over reacted

3 the time spent apart has done me wonders to take my head out of everything, spend time with people and realise everything i did wrong and i was a massive

4 i only just read the messages she sent to me before we argued. I ed up thinking the best way to bring us closer was to move in together, in hindsight thats the stupidest thing i could have ever done

5 i took her rejectiom of moving in as an "i dont want you" and acted like (character in her favourite movie when broke up with bf over percieved lack of comittment) i got so hurt that i went on the defensive but i didnt actually read anything she said

6 looking back we both said things that hurt to each other, we both knew the buttons to push and were so stubborn we wanted one up on each other, i want to work on that but as a team not by walking away and being stubborn about ending it without fixing anything

7 she said in her text she loves me more than anything and losing me is the last thing she wants, i never saw that cause i was so hurt i ignored it. But losing her is something i would hate too, i thought i would be happiet removing myself from the relationship than being hurt but i realised i was only hurting myself

8 i want to meet up for drinks or food so we can talk in person, the last time we spoke in person or on the phone was a week before and the time before that was valentines where we had an amazing time