I'm Back... (Epic novel length post!)

[Soul_Seeker]

Hi everyone…

 

I had hoped that I would never have to come back to this forum – not for the reason that I have returned…

 

Just briefly, just before Christmas 2003, my ex ended our 5 year relationship. His reasons were that he felt pressure from the relationship, our differences were too great and he wanted freedom. At least, that's what he said.

 

I had always suspected that much of the "pressure" he spoke of extended personally as well. He is an extremely ambitious person, very consumed by his own personal goals (which to me seem mostly materialistic). He had very specific objectives e.g. having his own business and making his first million by a certain age.

 

When we broke up in 2003, he had not realised many of his goals and was deeply bitter. I felt this had a great influence on the break up. Although, I do agree that the relationship was becoming a strain on each of us, I guess both pressures broke him in the end.

 

We were apart for approximately 4 months. I was lucky to get onto this forum quite early in the break up so I effected "no contact" asap. He contacted me throughout the 4 months, just to "see how I was going". I finally gave him an ultimatum, we either give it another try or he was to leave me alone. He chose the former and we got back together.

 

Just as a side note, during the 4 months that we were apart, coming to this forum did wonders for me. I know the advice given in the posts is generally the same but it's good to be reminded – over and over again! And it does help. It takes a lot of will power but you just need to remember that pain is only temporary and all the effort you're putting into relieving that pain is essentially for YOU.

 

When my ex and I got back together in April – it was messy. He wanted to start again, with the proviso that he had "a lot" on his mind about his career and thereforeeee could not expend as much effort in the relationship as he "wanted". It was as though he was telling me upfront that I should expect less from him but I cannot blame him for it because he gave me warning. I know, alarm bells should have been ringing LOUDLY and trust me they were. I was just too in love with him to follow my head and bolted blindly with my heart back into the relationship.

 

We stayed together for about 9 months when he broke up with me again in mid January. On the phone. At about 1am on a Thursday morning. Can you believe that I actually went to work that day?

 

I have to admit that I put more effort into the 9 months we were back together than I ever put into anything. He started a business. It wasn't in his preferred industry but it was a start and I think he was desperate. I'm a lawyer, so I helped him out with all the legal matters for the business. I even spent time at the business to help wherever I could. I made a bigger effort to spend time with his family, extended family and friends. I planned trips away for us, special outings and was extremely patient when he talked about his business and complained about his lack of career progression every day. He became increasingly negative and cynical, disputing he had nothing worthwhile in life while he was still unsuccessful (in his eyes). I tried to be supportive physically, mentally and emotionally.

 

During our 4 month break, I had learned to take a step back from the relationship and look at ways to improve myself. I started going to church again, read widely, exercised (a lot) and began volunteer work. I also tried to stay in contact with my friends more often. I still had much to learn but getting back together with my ex almost made me feel as though it was stunting my personal growth…

 

In any case, my ex definitely noticed the difference in me. We didn't argue as much as we used to and we found it easier to communicate. Over the 9 months, he kept reiterating how impressed he was with my personal development and how he felt he was treating me unfairly because of his career "issues". In the end, this was his reason for breaking up with me. He emphasised that he couldn't ask any more or anything different from me. He told me that he loved me and wanted to be with me but his inner conflicts prevented him from being a "worthy" boyfriend. He said he needed time to himself and gave me the ever clichéd, "Don't wait for me".

 

I found out (by deviously reading his email – I know, my bad) that he started seeing someone new about a week after we broke up. I had a suspicion – I never did during the relationship because intimately, there were absolutely no tell-tale signs. I guess when you're devastated and all rationale thoughts escape you, you try to find something "else" to explain the hurt. And there was something else, except I found out in the worst possible way. The words that he was writing to her cut so deeply, I couldn't read it properly and felt utterly faint.

 

I sent him a text message indicating I knew about him and his new girlfriend. There was no malice intended, perhaps sarcasm was conveyed but I just wished them well. He subsequently changed the password on his email account

 

As far as I know, they are keeping their relationship secret – none of our mutual friends are aware. There is a considerable age difference, he is 28 and she is turning 21 and according to the email I read, this age gap may cause disapproval with her parents so it is another reason why they haven't gone public.

 

His business failed. I did the legal documents to have it sold and he basically abandoned it to his business partner to clean up the aftermath. He bought another business, in his own profession this time. Guess who did the legal work? Even after he broke up with me, I kept it professional, did a fantastic job and managed to get him a $3,000 discount on legal fees.

 

Everything he has done thus far points to tabula rasa… I feel completely discarded, as though I wasn't good enough. I truly loved this man and feel completely scarred by the experience. I was willing to wade the darkness with him, thinking that my commitment to him through his struggle would strengthen our relationship. Was I the biggest gullible loser?

 

*Sigh*

 

Thank you to those who have read the whole post. I guess I just needed to express my emotions in concrete words. I'm living each day – it's always different. Sometimes I'm okay, other days I'm completely lost. Still trying to be active and busy, still trying to look after myself, still trying to live but… still hurting.

[emma34]

wow i have to admit after reading that post, i sincerely feel that it seems that deep down you have it all together. Your mission of personal growth really impresses me, and I think you are definitely on the right track. Your ex sounds like a loser who didn't have his priorities straight. Expectations can be a funny thing, sometimes you just have to accept what life hands you, obviously your ex did not understand this - and you were as supportive as you possibly could. The way you treated your ex's situation, and still stayed committed also impresses me. Sure it seems odd to thank your ex, but somehow it's a good thing he let you go, because I'm sure you could do better. I wish you all the luck in the world -and your post has truly inspired me as well, to move on from my own "toxic ex".

[Hurting in Manitoba]

Hey!

As for the clean slate, how do you know that isn't a front? It sounds like he has business on the mind . Do what you do best, and keep your head up. Most definitely, this site really got me thru some trying times for sure. Hope you feel better.

[fantasia2004]

I love this story and yours is a success story as a model for others.

 

How impressed I am and a fool I have been acting within these years at least 1-1/2 years .without the respecting of leaving him alone.

 

Chasing my ex, holding onto anger, and carrying on like a fool instead of being happy for him and granting him his wishes. I guess his break up with you was a wake up call to propel you forward.

 

Your future is so bright that even though you are hurting now, the pain will not lastand quickly fade. The memories will probably remain but you will be with someone new to make new ones and they will appreciate you even more than the ex ever did.

Continue to prosper and let some lucky guy have you.

 

I needed to hear that and at your age as a lawyer that is quite an accomplishment.

 

My ex left me for someone younger right away too so it was unbearable.

 

I am glad for your self discovery.

[fantasia2004]

During our 4 month break, I had learned to take a step back from the relationship and look at ways to improve myself. I started going to church again, read widely, exercised (a lot) and began volunteer work. I also tried to stay in contact with my friends more often. I still had much to learn but getting back together with my ex almost made me feel as though it was stunting my personal growth…

 

 

How amazing is that ?

[Soul_Seeker]

I am so touched by the replies!

 

I can't believe you guys think my story was a success?? I was completely amazed by what you read into my post. Here I was, purging my soul of the hurt and humiliation I felt and the replies I have received speak nothing of them.

 

It has only been a 1.5 months since the break up and I am not quite sure how well I'm holding up. I still have awful images of the two of them together and it takes more than all of my will power to reject anger and bitterness.

 

I must admit that constant affirmations and reality checks really help. It takes a perpetual effort to tell your negative subconscious to "shut up" with the overanalysis and imagery of good memories and to train yourself to say "focus on ME!". Gosh this is HARD!

 

Fantasia2004 - how on earth did you cope with your ex being with a 12yr old (lol) straight away?

[arwen]

Hey soulseeker,

 

My impression is exactly the same. You really moved forward, improved yourself and you can express yourself really well!

 

If you fall for someone who turns out to be a loser, it does not make YOU a loser. The way you handled this break up was really the best you could do. You became a stronger person, which is the only good thing that can come of a break up (well, next to the fact that your life is no more attached to someone who poisons it and you are free to meet a great new person!).

 

Anyway, keep writing here and stay strong,

 

Ilse.