like an old friend but I'm shy and feel frumpy

[notmuchfun]

My problem is that I am so very shy. I can't tell men that I like them, The last time I did, was the first time ever and I chickened out by writing that guy an email! he didn't respond for a long time and he really hurt and confused me.

 

Now I have a crush on a friend who recently came back into my life. This guy and I were never very close before. back in the day at school he never paid much attention to me, like all of my other male friends. I had a best friend who was pretty and he flirted with her like crazy. She was the attention hogging type and I think he really enjoyed it. now we hang out and I think maybe he likes me, because he seems to like spending time with me, but I can't get over what happened in the past! I keep thinking, how could he like me, why would he? He has so much more experience than I do and I'm afraid I would disappoint him if we dated. I wonder, should I tell him how bad I am at all of this? I don't think he knows that I don't date, should he know that I have a problem? or maybe it doesn't matter because he hasn't said that he likes me anyway.

 

I guess my problem is that I never got over that "ugly ducking" phase. I still feel that way even though I'm reaching my late twenties! This is very difficult and is becoming quite a problem. Other people my age are getting married and having kids, and I'm stuck in my ugly junior high phase. what to do??

[DN]

You have what psychologists used to call an 'inferiority complex'.

 

But you are not inferior and you have to bring yourself to realise that. Think about your strengths and minimise your weaknesses. Realise that life, and especially relationships, is all about taking risks. Don't allow one incident from your past to govern your life.

 

When you are with him, act confident, even if you are not. Smile at him, compliment him, but radiate an inner serenity. Fake it if you have to but soon you will really feel it. Tell yourself that even if this one does not work out you have improved your skills for the next one

 

It takes willpower and work is all.

 

Good luck

[notmuchfun]

DN, your advice is good but it is so difficult for me to radiate. I have anxiety and when I do actually go on dates, I make an *** out of myself and men do not understand, they get irritated with me. I wonder if I should just be honest next time I meet someone, and just say "hey I suck at this" because pretending to be "cool" really hasn't worked. It makes me look weird because I'm acting weird with no explaination. I guess what I do is freeze up and don't open up. something as simple as picking something to do on a date can be difficult, or (my worst) is when men ask me questions about what I like to do sexually. I guess I have an issue disclosing information when asked...or something? I hate this but I can't help it, I know it's ruining everything but I can't stop these feelings....I can be very confident in other aspects of my life, but when it comes to dating, I feel ugly, fat, boring, and just...weird. I fell isolated, like everyone else knows how to have relationships and i'm missing something very important.

[DN]

what do you do in your spare time? I keep going on about my hobby and probably bore people on here with it, but I am a member of a community theatre group (amateur) and it is amazing what it can do for your self-confidence.

 

In the first place it is a great place to meet people. Most of our close friends we have met through the group, and I have lost count of the number of couples who also met as members.

 

You do not have to act if you don't want to, there are dozens of backstage jobs that need doing. But after a short while, if you show commitment and a desire to learn, you become a valued member of the team, your self confidence grows and you learn a lot.

 

You also learn how to 'act' - you can learn by watching other people do it. Good actors bring something of themselves to the part, so, although they are pretending to be someone else, thye do it by drawing on their own qualities.

 

I have seen shy, withdrawn teenage girls, grow in self conficence and self esteem by doing that. One in particular barely talked to anyone two years ago at the age of 16. Now she is talkative, self confident, has a great boyfriend and is going to learn theatre (backstage stuff) at university. She has only been on stage twice, both in small non-speaking parts, she also did props and costumes. But her experience with us changed her whole outlook.

 

And you get to meet men - in a structured way at rehearsals but also in a group at the pub later.

 

Try it, or something similar.

[notmuchfun]

right now I have very little spare time because I'm a college student. This summer perhaps I can get involved in something. I would like to join a club related to my field, i don't know if that's exactly what you had in mind. The only thing is, I think, well I haven't met anybody in college, there are guys there who i have something in common with and they don't like me, i don't see how a club is going to be different, sorry not trying to shoot down your suggestion, i will try it just skeptical. I will be getting some therapy soon, maybe they have support groups for people like me?? I don't really know. I keep going back to this idea of being honest, if what you say is true and I have to pretend that i'm confident to attract someone, then it just seems like attraction is a game!

[DN]

the point was that by acting confident even if you are not it won't be long before you are confident for real. Try it, you have nothing to lose.

[notmuchfun]

do you have any advice what I can do to appear confidant? Is there anything I can say? or any gestures that would be good? should I imagine something when I'm with him?

[DN]

talk about things you care about and are interested in. Don't drone on but keep it light but enthusastic. Ask him what he likes. laugh at his jokes.

 

smile, look into his eyes when you do (not like this but like this

 

hold your shoulders back, don't hunch over.

 

don't cross your arms over your body - looks defensive and shut in.

 

if he says anything that gives you the impression he is into you, smile.

 

If you get a chance touch his arm for a instance. Skin to skin contact is great, don't jump back if it happens, let it linger for a fraction.

 

If he should ask you out whatever happens say "Yes". If you can't make that date say, "I would love to but can't because (I have to delouse the canary or whatever the reason is). Can we make another date for another time." Do not leave it vague - get date and time