Wishing I could say I'd never take her back

[WeddingSinger]

Hi all - I'm a new-ish member who has read (and been helped by) a lot of the content on this site since my breakup this past August. A couple of weeks ago I posted a thread in the "Getting Back Together" sub-forum as I was attempting reconciliation. I can't post URLs but the thread was titled "Seeking second chance at relationship with ex" if anyone wants all the gory details.

 

Here are the cliff notes:

-GF (27) broke up with me (male, 29) in August. We had what felt like a strong relationship. I treated her well and was committed to her. For most of the relationship, we had a great sex life and she told me she'd never been as satisfied with a previous boyfriend/partner. She treated me well too, but over the final few months, got drunk a few times and expressed doubts about our level of emotional intimacy. I'd reassure her that that takes time, make more of an effort to be open with her, and she'd then say she felt better. However, I harbored some resentment toward how she would bring up the topic. I was also frustrated that if I'd make suggestions (let's text less and phone/talk in person more, try not to always seek out things that are wrong because that's all you'll ever find), she'd get very defensive and say that she can't change who she is. Given my frustration and some other things happening in my life, I was somewhat withdrawn the last few weeks that we were together.

-At/after the breakup, she told me that she never felt that she connected to me the same way I did to her (not ready for relationship, needs to have an adventure, etc.). Also told me that my self-critical nature somewhat hurt her ability to connect with me. Some of what she said was valid, but looking back, I also feel like she was projecting some of her own issues onto me.

-I dig briefly ask her to reconsider, but was graceful and didn't contact her for almost two months following that. During this time, I got out of a rut I had been in (resolved some work issues, took much better care of myself physically, told some loved ones about a terminated pregnancy the ex and I had dealt with) and just generally tried to heal. Also realized that I had played a role in our growing apart and wondered if I still had feelings for her.

-Met in person (she had previously said she'd like to) and, after some pleasant catching up, owned up to some of what I felt my mistakes in the relationship were. She was in tears during this part of our conversation and seemed appreciative of what I'd said.

-After staying somewhat in touch following that, she preemptively told me that she wanted to be clear that she wasn't interested in rekindling things. I admitted that seeing her had made me realize I still had feelings, and I had wondered if a fresh start would be worthwhile. She gave me some flimsy reasons why she didn't think we were compatible, I told her I didn't agree but wasn't going to try to convince her otherwise, and we ended the conversation amicably. I felt like she was trying to convince herself as much as me with what she said, but tried not to dwell on it. During this exchange she also admitted that the reason she's so upset is because she realizes how amazing I am and is sad that something is still missing for her.

-About a week later (last weekend) and after some thinking, I emailed her and said I wanted to share some thoughts that might help her if she ever did pursue a relationship with someone else, and that was my way of saying goodbye. Basically I told her that I thought that, due to her past (father dying young/bad home life, mistreated in past relationships, etc.) she didn't think that love was safe, and had a self-sabotage defense mechanism that had caused her to push me away (and gave some examples). I was respectful but laid a lot of things out there. I wrote the email to try to let go, thinking that it would help me let go of some anger and also allow me to acknowledge to myself (and her) the reasons why she wasn't ready to be in the kind of relationship I'm interested in (specifically, she hadn't addressed the insecurities that plagued us). Basically, because she never had great models for love in her life, I think she believes that true love means everything is always perfect. On the other hand, I think that even two people who are perfect for one another will need to put in work and have some rougher patches, and I think that's the realistic view.

-This week, I saw her out and tried to make eye contact to say hi before heading to another part of the bar. She texted saying she hadn't seen me until I was at the stairs so sorry for not saying hi. When I gave a short reply she said she was really glad I texted, which is obviously meaningless.

 

So in summary, it was mostly fun while it lasted, while I'm not perfect (and didn't behave perfectly) she's obviously not ready for the kind of relationship that I'm looking for, she's told me point blank that she's not interested in trying again (fresh start or otherwise), and I consciously pushed her away with my advice/goodbye email so that I wouldn't hold on to hope. That's how life goes sometimes, I can keep my head up regarding how I've acted, and I have legitimately learned a lot and improved my life. So far so good.

 

But here's what's screwing me up:

-I'm not trying to dwell on this, but if she called me tomorrow and said she wanted to try again, I think I'd say yes. Hopefully I'd at least have the sense to ask her why she thought things could be better this time. But still, after all this, I still haven't shut that door in my mind, even if it's a door she'll probably never want to walk through.

-Part of me wishes I could be angry at her. One of two things happened here: 1) She had big doubts all along and ignored them because she liked having a boyfriend; or 2) She didn't want to put the work into a relationship and came up with the rationale to assuage her guilt over breaking up. Either way, I should have no interest in this woman, but that's not the case.

-My ex does have certain baggage that is probably higher than average, but am I just too nice to make it in a long-term relationship? I've usually had an easy enough time getting attention from women, but for several years in my 20s just didn't want a serious relationship so mostly had casual "flings" where both of us knew what we were doing (I was always upfront and don't believe in leading people on). Now that I am interested in something more serious, am i doomed because I don't like to act like a jerk? I feel like I am confident enough to be a nice person and consider other people's interests while still being tough, but maybe I'm just a doormat and don't want to admit it.

-Although I've been on some dates/met some women, it's obvious that I need to cool my jets a little longer before going down that road. Now I'm getting worried that there's something about me that means I'm just going to attract/fall for the same type of women again, and subsequently get chewed up and spit out all over again.

 

So, ENA readers, please offer any thoughts you can to knock some sense into me. I feel like I'm doing the right things: focusing on work/health/social life, not initiating contact/keeping tabs on my ex, accepting support from friends and family, letting myself be sad without dwelling on it. I also feel like if I hadn't taken the "detour" that I did a couple weeks ago, I always would've wondered "what if" so I'm trying not to beat myself up about it. But am I a total imbecile to still be carrying a torch (even if it's fainter) for this woman? Can I make myself uninterested in her without letting anger take over? Should I force myself to go mix it up more just to be reminded that there are other women out there? Am I being hysterical when it comes to my fears for future relationship prospects?

 

Thanks in advance for any thoughts that folks want to share. Obviously I need all the help I can get right now.

[Movingforward3]

I think your feelings are completely normal. It takes time. You must be patient with yourself. I am at 4 months and I would still take her back if she called. I don't expect her to. The best I can tell you is to live your life and realize the possibilities that exist both positive and negative and in between that can happen. You don't have to let her go all at once. I know it is hard, but keep the faith! There are better days ahead.

[rosie30]

Hi there,

 

Your post caught my eye as it's very similar to my experience and I feel the same in many ways. I'm 31 years old and have been through a bit of a rollercoaster relationship myself and then very painful break up (his decision). It was complicated (you can read my couple of post on it if you'd like..a bit lengthy! ) but in summary my family and friends believe was toxic for me, but who I cannot seem to let go of or view as toxic myself. He also implied to me that I was in essence 'too lovely' and also seemed to be inventing excuses to run away...if you want to chat about it I would be happy to listen or share experiences..

 

All the best.