Some good advice for my first LDR

[eimono]

Hello all,

 

I've been reading the forums and there is a lot of advice out there... It seems some of it is just general, other is specific. Anyway, wanted to know if you guys could help me out as I'm just starting my first LDR.

 

Not so unique story: I met this woman on a dating website (eharmony) and after going through the entire personality process sent our first few emails. On our second email she asked some detailed and personal questions. I asked if I could call her and give an answer as I didn't want to email it. This was very unusual for me and I honestly didn't expect an answer. Well as it turns out she emailed me back with her number and of course, I called. We talked for about a half hour and we got some good questions out of the way.

 

With the basics established, I gave her a call a few days later... This time the conversation lasted for over two hours. I have to admit that it was after that phone call that I had this feeling that this might be the "one" someday... We continued to talk and talk more over the next month and this last weekend had my longest conversation every, 8 hours long! I'm very luck as I have a cell phone with unlimited minutes from 7-7 and weekends. Anyway, I've never felt a connection like this with anyone before. I have plans to drive and go see her for this weekend. We both are very excited about it!

 

Now on to the advice part, she has decided to go "back" to college and get her masters. She just started this and looks like she will have a few more years of this. I completely admire and support her decision to do this. Problem is that she is at least a 4 hour drive away. Neither one of us has had a LDR before and don't know what to expect but have open minds. What advice can you give me so I will know to do things right from the start?

 

One last bit of info, we are both 28 and have been married before so have some understanding of relationships, just no idea about a LDR one.

 

Thanks in advance.

[Mermaid]

My first bit of advice is to not get carried away with your feelings until you've actually met her in person. No matter how well you get on via the phone and online, there is a huge difference between that and having the person standing before you in the flesh. So I'd refrain from considering yourself in an LDR until you've actually met the woman in question. And then try not to rush into it being a relationship; get to know her before you decide if she's someone to whom you want to commit.

 

Okay, that said, LDRs can work. I'm in one and we're planning to move in together and get married in a year or so, as soon as his degree is complete. We've been together a long time (we were best friends first, though) and we're very much in love. He and I see each other every 3-4 months right now, so there are many times when we're depressed and sad from missing each other so much--but that's something you have to deal with when you choose to be in an LDR; still, we're completely and utterly devoted to each other, and are actively planning our future together, which helps us to feel as though we're being pro-active in our quest to ultimately be together. (That and our families are so supportive that we don't feel as though we're dealing alone with our misery.)

 

So my advice to you is to get to know this woman well before you commit; then, if she truly is someone you want to be with, go for it--but make sure that communication is first and foremost on your list of priorities, since LDRs cannot survive without it. (No relationship can, but LDRs really need it!) Talk often (my boyfriend and I talk more than once a day) and try, if possible, to buy a webcam! My guy and I webcam every night, and it makes us feel better because, in some form, we get to see each other every day. See each other as often as possible, and make sure that there is trust on both sides. And, when you've gotten serious, start planning your future--because a sure way for LDRs to fail is for one or both people involved to feel as if there will never be an end to the pain of distance.

 

Oh, and one more very important thing--get your respective friends and family involved. The more you feel as though you're a part of your SO's life, even when you can't be with him or her, the more trust there will be.

 

Hmm... I think I may make another topic about that last point... lol.

[phil1981UK]

In my experience its tough as hell, and it takes commitment and determination to make it work. I have been in mine for a year and half and the whole time has been tough (i met my gf in my country, we dated for a few months and then she had to return to her own country to complete her degree).

 

I think firstly you need to get this weekend out of the way and see how you feel, you may meet up and it wont be what you hoped, so dont think about the ldr thing until you have met each other.

 

Secondly if you do decide to go for it, get ready buddy.... cos it aint easy, you miss em, you want them with you and you cant do anything about it.

 

If you make it through to end up being together you will have beaten the odds, no doubt about it, but if you need a success story to give you some hope... my gf is coming to live with me next month... so stick it out if you think its worth it and if you are lucky and love each other enough you might just make it.

 

Good luck dude!!!

[ajk]

i'm glad to see two encouraging posts in response to your questions

my bf and i broke up after our relationship turned long distance, and it's too easy at this point to be a monday-morning quarterback, so to speak, and see all the things that went wrong that we should have done differently.

 

after the fact, of course, i read a book called 'long distance relationships: the complete guide' by dr. gregory guldner. it seems to have very very good, practical advice and is based on a lot of research, unlike the other books that are more anecdotal. it is hard to get even at barnes & nobel, but i found it on link removed.

 

best of luck with meeting one another and making a go of it

[eimono]

Thanks for the good advice. I think a webcam would be great idea. I can also see how it would add some trust as well. Don't think talking much will be a problem, right now we talk every day. Last night we talked for 4 1/2 hours.

 

I agree this seems fast in a lot of ways, but maybe I didn't give enough detail. We've been talking for over a month now and had some very honest and up-front conversations. It is amazing how much a like we are and how similar we think. As I've said, I've never met/talked to anyone like her before. We even seem to know what each other is thinking just from a giggle, laugh, or humpf.

 

Unfortunately, I've had more then my share of bad matches and have just been blown away how good a match we are. It does seem strange as we've never met in person yet... And we both agree that that will be the "final" test of what will become of us. I just have that feeling that everything is right and not even thinking something will go wrong.

 

In any event, I feel such a strong connection that I'm willing to make it work, even if it is hard. It is possible that my feelings are premature at this point. I just want to make sure and do what I can now to lay the foundation of a strong relationship so that it can survive the trails of distance.

 

Thanks again for advice and comments.

[eimono]

Update:

 

Well I had my first meeting with her this weekend. Everything went perfect. We were both a little nervous at first, but got over that very quickly. Spent the entire weekend together doing everything and sometimes nothing at all.

 

We both agree, we want to continue this no matter what. In fact, we already have our next meeting setup in a few weeks. I think I'll be investing in some webcams for us to use. Phone time isn't an issue, but still would be nice to see each other as you guys have suggested.

 

From what we have talked about, it may very well work out that in a year she will be moving to only an hour or so away. (instead of 4+)

 

Thanks again for all the great comments!