Shyness CAN be overcome

[dreamweaverdude]

AS someone who was the ultimate shy guy, there is hope. It can be overcome but you have to be willing to change some things in your life. Most shy people i know are very self-conscience about themselves, they have little or no self-confidence.

 

Step 1 - You have to develop some positive self-esteem. Keep in mind how can you expect someone to care and love you if you dont even love yourself. That doens't mean be conceited but there is a auora around those that have confidence. Build it however you need to.

 

Step 2 - You must pro-active in developing relationship. "Waiting" on the right person to fall from heaven like manna isn't gonna cut it. Put yourself in situations whereby you can meet people.

 

Step 3 - Realize and accept that rejection is simply a part of life. Everyone hate its and everyone endures some of it. It's how we handle it that separates us from everyone else. I mean if we quit trying when we were rejected where would any of us be. Not to get historical, heck look at Abraham Lincoln, how MANY elections did he lose before he ever won one. Perservere! ANd when you are rejected, IF you are, rejection is 90% mental anyway, dont take it personal. Blow it off and move on.

 

I know these things are easier said than done. But if you are shy one like i was, it can be overcome. I now precide over meeting with elected officals, teach classes with executives, etc. It can happen! Never give up!

[Mysterious Gurl]

Wow I'm glad you posted that. I'm quite shy especially in a new areas. The thing I have trouble with is making conversations with new people.

 

 

Well I'm working on being more open to people instead of hiding behind a wall.

 

Miya

[DropToZero]

Nicely put man....now only If I could get someone else on this site that totally disagrees with me(and you) to listen and understand why we're right.

[SkyFire]

Very good. I posted something similar to this a while back.

[al7]

 

Step 1 - You have to develop some positive self-esteem. Keep in mind how can you expect someone to care and love you if you dont even love yourself. That doens't mean be conceited but there is a auora around those that have confidence. Build it however you need to.

 

 

We all know that shyness is not something we can change _consciously_,

it sits somewhere deep in teh brain where it is hard to get any direct access.

So to say just "develop you self-esteem" is like to say "toughen up", "dont be scared" etc. I guess we need practical method of getting rid of shyness

or develping self_esteem.

 

Here is limited one:

1. Find and friend who is not very shy and ask him to show you how he approches girls (well work for guys as well for the opposite sex).

2. Ask this friend not only to show you the actuall approach, but to make

you approach girls with him. He should "force" you to go and talk to girls.

3. Repeat #2 several times.

 

For example I personally can do that easily.

[Caldus]

I don't think it's that complicated. It's really just that you're insecure about what other people will think of you when you meet them. You're afraid of screwing up and looking like a loser. You feel like you shouldn't try and thereforeeee you feel less worthy compared to everyone. This lowers your self-esteem and so forth. It's a vicious cycle that must be broken. Get out of the house/dorm/apartment/whatever and do something about it!

 

I think one thing that has helped me as far as shyness goes is that people are just freakin' people. No one is better than anyone else. People are probably just as insecure as you are when you meet them. They probably aren't even evaluating you when you talk to them. They are more worried that they will screw up themselves. Everyone is afraid of being rejected by people in general no matter what the context is. No one is sitting there thinking you're some big loser or else they got issues themselves. Let people know who you are. No frontin'. No one is going to bite.

 

Now I need to read what I just wrote a few more times. I'm still somewhat shy and there's no reason to be.

[al7]

It's really just that you're insecure about what other people will think of you when you meet them. You're afraid of screwing up and looking like a loser.

 

I am pretty sure I am.

I am thinking out loud here what I need to do to stop feeling like that.

 

 

You feel like you shouldn't try and thereforeeee you feel less worthy Get out of the house/dorm/apartment/whatever and do something about it!

 

I think one thing that has helped me as far as shyness goes is that people are just freakin' people. No one is better than anyone else. People are probably just as insecure as you are when you meet them.

 

Oh, you r talking in terms of conscious commands "Get up! Run 3 miles.

Go to work/school. Dont be lazy. Work Hard. Be Good."

How many times we heard it? Thousands. Did it help? No.

We were forced to get up... to run.. to work and not being lazy.

 

It would be so easy just to told myself "Hey Joe, now everyday you run 3-5 miles at 6am. Just do it." It is not fun, I am lazy and see no stimulation in doing so. So I quit even before I start running...

 

You see where is the key? We have to make ourselves to do something.

Just words without any stimulation do not work.

So looking for methods to make myself talk to girls...

[Caldus]

Look, if you aren't motivated enough to overcome shyness, then it just won't happen. Ever. So you need to do something about it. That is the only way that it has ever worked for me. By forcing myself to just go up to someone and say hi. Maybe there are better techniques but that is the way I've done it and it has been working well so far.

 

Yes, you will be scared ****less the first few times you do it but the nice thing about it is that it gets easier and easier each time you do it. Again, if you aren't willing to try something, then you are obviously not motivated enough to actually overcome shyness.

[al7]

Look, if you aren't motivated enough to overcome shyness, then it just won't happen. Ever. So you need to do something about it. Again, if you aren't willing to try something, then you are obviously not motivated enough to actually overcome shyness.

 

This is a very good point.

I am confused about it myself.

Look I want to get rid of shyness, I want to be able to approach girls.

Altloguh something inside me keeps telling me: "Ha! You would feel so EMBARRASSED if you screw up... and to screw up is very likely that you'd

better off standing here. You want to be alive, right? Stay!"

What causes it - fear. What to do about it? I have no idea... so far.

[Ceema-k]

Great post by dreamweaverdude

 

But people... let's not inextricably link overcoming shyness with approaching girls. It's hella misleading. While it would be some serious trial by fire for a shy person to approach girls repeatedly until his head spings... it's just a single isolated behaviour that is but a fraction of what it means to be "not shy"!

 

Yes, I agree with the whole "buck up and shape up" encouragement that is often given in this forum. But that only goes so far:

 

i.e.) "Hey, stop being shy!!"

 

Ironically, I believe that to overcome shyness, you simply need to stop thinking about overcoming shyness. Why not instead make a concerted effort to Make Your Life Busy. Create a busy life for yourself and you will lessen the amount of time that you waste thinking about your problems as a shy person. A shy person who thinks about his own plight is poison to himself.

 

Take baby steps. Force yourself to attend a social gathering that you would otherwise avoid. Force yourself to be around people more. Just do it without expecting results. Do it for the challenge. Get really, really intimate with the discomfort you feel in these situations. Find someone you know you will never see again and start a random conversation. Just try it. As Caldus has said: people are just people.

 

Start thinking outside of yourself. Everytime you start pondering how lousy it is being shy, stop yourself and think about what you want to do later that day, or tomorrow. Replace those negative thoughts with something productive.

 

Does this sound completely lame and ineffective? Maybe it does. Like, I don't promise X amount of success in X amount of time. But I'm totally convinced that you'll see improvements in some way, shape or form. Find a day to sit down and draw out a rough plan of what you intend to do. New hobbies to take up, new clubs to join, volunteer work, register for some classes.... WHATEVER. Let a few close friends in on your plans and ask them for help. Let them know it's OK for them to call you up on a Friday to join them and their coworkers for drinks, or to attend a party. Let them know that, although you'll be extremely uncomfortable about it, that it's alright for them to introduce you to new people.

 

Baby steps. Don't go wild for a whole week and shock yourself into a nervous mess. But be steady and consistent. Regularly expose yourself to your fear, bit by bit, until it's not so scary anymore. Little by little, bit by bit.

 

Yeah, this is going to take some time. But you may as well start now. Cuz no one... NOBODY.... can erase your shyness but you. It's all in your hands. But by writing this message I don't want you to bash your head against a brick wall... simply trying to WILL yourself not to be shy anymore. It doesn't quite work out that way.

 

hope this makes sense.

[freeben321]

it's so true and so funny, everyone uses lincoln when talking about this type of stuff...

 

losing elections are a bit different that relationships, but the metaphor applies. Try and try again.

 

Damn.... I need to tell myself this...

[al7]

But people... let's not inextricably link overcoming shyness with approaching girls. It's hella misleading. it's just a single isolated behaviour that is but a fraction of what it means to be "not shy"!

 

Yes, it is just a part of shyness. But I am sure it is very crucial part.

Why?

By approaching girls you would:

1. Start talking to strangers

2. Talk to the opposite sex

 

I am sure these are two top situations when we are shy.

 

 

Ironically, I believe that to overcome shyness, you simply need to stop thinking about overcoming shyness. Why not instead make a concerted effort to Make Your Life Busy. Create a busy life for yourself and you will lessen the amount of time that you waste thinking about your problems as a shy person.

 

No doubt being busy sounds good. But when you take a rest from you busy life u r still shy. thereforeeee it is not a cure just to make life busy....

 

Take baby steps. Force yourself to attend a social gathering that you would otherwise avoid.

 

Talking about myself: I'd go if I knew about any gathering here.

 

 

Force yourself to be around people more. Just do it without expecting results.

 

I go to malls about 2-3 times a week. Well.. I even didnt feel better.

 

 

Do it for the challenge. Get really, really intimate with the discomfort you feel in these situations. Find someone you know you will never see again and start a random conversation.

 

Thats good!!! But how to start Random convo? what should I start with?

"Hi!...My name... mmm... Hmmm...

 

 

Yeah, this is going to take some time. But you may as well start now. Cuz no one... NOBODY.... can erase your shyness but you. It's all in your hands.

 

RIght. Agree. But it is awfully hard to start random convo.

Can you do it easily?

[DropToZero]

Thats good!!! But how to start Random convo? what should I start with?

"Hi!...My name... mmm... Hmmm...

 

Yes exactly....I'm sure in your head, you're thinking, that sounds stupid. Okay, so if that, think about if a girl came up to you and said that ....are you going to reject her that quickly? or are you just going to talk? You think too many people aren't willing to learn, when in reality most people love meeting other people and learning more about them. ..and if I doesn't go the way you planned, dont take it personally, just keep moving and approaching other people. More people will respond well to your approach than mean b/c it always takes a little inner push to get yourself to walk up to random people and say hi.

 

RIght. Agree. But it is awfully hard to start random convo.

Can you do it easily?

 

Yes!! If you think about it logically....okay, you play an instrument, or are you good at math? anything that takes practice? If you ever want to be good at it...YOU have to practice!! No one learns things 'Like that', in an instant. Swallow your pride, go to the mall, and just start talking to people. You may not do so well at first b/c its your first time, you'll probably be nervous. You may screw up a few, but after the first 5 to 10....are you learning something? Maybe what 'works' and what 'doesnt work' when it comes to approaching people. After so long....(of practice) you won't even care what the other person thinks of you, you'll be able to approach anyone. JUST LEARN!!!

[al7]

Does anyone try Prozac, Zolox..Panxil...St. John wort.. herbs

in order to get rid of, to alleviate shyness?

Does it work?

[Ceema-k]

al7, the truth of the matter is, the "process" of getting over shyness will be filled with awkwardness and "failure". When I say failure, all I'm saying is that situations will rarely unfold the way you ideally expect them to. And that's fine.

 

It's great you go to the mall so often. Tons of people there. But why not spice up the routine next time? Next time you're there, make it a point to visit every store in one area and talk to one saleperson. When a sales clerk approaches you and asks how you are, respond with "Great! How's your day going?" You'd be surprised at how many people loosen their "retail sales persona" and start chatting with you casually.

 

Random conversations with strangers is just that. Random! With any given person in any given situation, there will always be openers for a short, random exchange of words. The trick is observing people and being aware of your surroundings. And you know what? That means redirecting your own thoughts from within outward. Instead of worrying about WHAT you will say or HOW.. just refocus your attention to what other people around you are doing. The only "inward" thought you need to keep in your head is your mission of talking to people & trying something different.

[al7]

It's great you go to the mall so often. Tons of people there. But why not spice up the routine next time? Next time you're there, make it a point to visit every store in one area and talk to one saleperson. When a sales clerk approaches you and asks how you are, respond with "Great! How's your day going?" You'd be surprised at how many people loosen their "retail sales persona" and start chatting with you casually.

 

---

Really? Usually a clerk would approach and say something like "How can I help you?", "Find everything alright?" etc..

If I say anything besides the goods they r selling the clerk would move on...

I have never tried though to come up with a phrase.

Have you? what are the results?

 

Random conversations with strangers is just that. Random! With any given person in any given situation, there will always be openers for a short, random exchange of words.

 

---

Oh, so what are they - the openers?

 

The trick is observing people and being aware of your surroundings. And you know what? That means redirecting your own thoughts from within outward. Instead of worrying about WHAT you will say or HOW.. just refocus your attention to what other people around you are doing.

 

 

---

I agree abotu focusing but most people just doing nothing I noticed...

walking.. staring at something. My creativitiy doesn not work at all in situation with those fast moving strangers...

[al7]

Thats good!!! But how to start Random convo? what should I start with?

"Hi!...My name... mmm... Hmmm...

 

Yes exactly....I'm sure in your head, you're thinking, that sounds stupid. Okay, so if that, think about if a girl came up to you and said that ....are you going to reject her that quickly? or are you just going to talk? You think too many people aren't willing to learn, when in reality most people love meeting other people and learning more about them. ..and if I doesn't go the way you planned, dont take it personally, just keep moving and approaching other people. More people will respond well to your approach than mean b/c it always takes a little inner push to get yourself to walk up to random people and say hi.

 

All this boils down to a good convo opener. Words, phrases... etc.

What should I say to a person I see for the first time and have not information about ner nor about her interestes or preferences?

[Ceema-k]

al7:

hey wassup... Yes i agree that if salespeople simply ask if they can help you, it does limit what you can respond with. No problem. Just pretend to be interested in something and ask them a question.

 

As for random chats with strangers...

 

"Excuse me..."

 

- "Do you have the time?" (hide your watch first)

- "Do you know when the mall closes?"

- "I noticed you went to [shop name]... where can I find that store?"

- "Do you know where the public restroom is?"

 

If you're in a store, waiting in line:

 

"Wow, it's pretty busy today huh?"

"That [product item] looks nice. How much is it?"

"I really like your shoes [or replace with whatever general thing you notice about someone]"

 

I hope that gives you some ideas. Realize that small talk can and will be extremely asinine at times but that is also the currency of daily interactions. Don't expect to have earth-shattering conversations with most strangers. More importantly, it's how you say things rather than what you say. Put on a relaxed smile, try to make eye contact and just talk. If someone gives you grief and you did nothing to insult or antagonize them, THEY are the ones with the problem. Don't be discouraged.

 

Now, I have a sneaking suspicion that you will object to some or all of my suggestions and that's cool. We're still in the realm of the theoretical and the real proof of the pudding is in the eating. Take what I say with a grain of salt... but why not try it out? Just exercise a little common sense and you'll be fine.

[al7]

Ceema-k:

 

As for random chats with strangers...

"Excuse me..."

- "Do you have the time?" (hide your watch first)

- "Do you know when the mall closes?"

- "I noticed you went to [shop name]... where can I find that store?"

- "Do you know where the public restroom is?"

 

If you're in a store, waiting in line:

 

"Wow, it's pretty busy today huh?"

"That [product item] looks nice. How much is it?"

"I really like your shoes [or replace with whatever general thing you notice about someone]"

 

Hmm I find these openers quite good. Easy to say and very natural.

Although main drawback here is they are kind isolated...

Look:

"Do you know where the public restroom is?

"Over .. there"

"...mmmm???"

Here I am stuck, very hard to add somthing after this question.

I thought random convo should be oriented on females...and have some

possibility of continuing convo.

 

Did you try those? What did you say after the first question?

Were ppl willing to continue talking at all? Just curious...

[Ceema-k]

Sadly, most strangers will usually say the bare minimum to keep conversations short with people they don't know. Fair enough. I've tried to engage people with one of those openers before, and i honestly don't remember the details... but i know nothing bad came of it. It's usually just a pretty quick, friendly exchange of words.

 

Maybe because i'm a lot less shy, i exude an aura of approachability that I severely lacked as a shy person. Cashiers, clerks or random people in stores will say sometthin to me and I"ll just pick up on it and be able to respond with something that leads to more conversation.

 

OK here is an example for you. A few weeks ago I was downtown running an errand. I had a lot of extra time on the parking meter, so I decided to walk into a small art gallery that I never bother to check out. As soon as I'm inside, I'm approached by a very attractive blonde girl, who greets me and asks how she can help.

 

I say hello. I tell her I've never been to this gallery and I was killing some time but I said that some of the artwork looks interesting. So she start giving me a quick summary of what new art is being displayed. While she speaks, I'm looking at her, nodding my head & just paying attention. Smiling a bit. Then she asks if I'd like to see her favourite artist. So I reply, lead the way.

 

She leads me over to one corner of the room and starts telling me about this hot new French artist. She mentions in passing that she is currently enrolled in art school, a fact that I immediately log into my ultra short-term memory. Then I make couple comments about the art, showing my genuine admiration for it. She then asks me if I'm an artist myself, and I start telling her that no, I'm a web designer, so I know a little bit about graphic design but it's totally different from traditional art. yadda yadda.

 

So I bounce back on her and ask about those art classes she's taking. She tells me you loves it but is very modest about her abilities. And so on and so forth. Eventually she starts showing me another artist, then she mentions living in New York for a few months, so we start talking about the housing situation there for a bit. At the end of our chat, I thanked her for helping me out so much and she laughed by saying she was talking too much.

 

Now if i was not already dating someone, I would have totally tried to get her phone number or find some way of asking her out for coffee. This is with the full knowledge that 99% of why she is chatting me up is because it's her JOB to do so... i dunno, i just have a thing for blondes! Maybe I should have tried to get her number after all. I mean, why not make friends?..... bah. anyway, that's another topic.

 

Anyway, contrast the above example with what might've happened if I walked into that gallery 7 years ago as Mr. Shy:

 

Girl: Hi, can I help you with anything today? (big friendly smile)

Me: Uhh, hi... (nervous smile) no, I'm just looking, thanks. (proceed to look away and end any further communication)

 

Not being shy is not just about learning what to say to people. It's being confident enough to realize that people are just people. But in order ot really, really have that awareness, you have to test yourself & put yourself in situations that you may not be ready for. Just to see what it's like.

 

Anyway, i hope my little story provides some specifics that you so hunger for.

[al7]

Ceema-k:

Sadly, most strangers will usually say the bare minimum to keep conversations short with people they don't know.

---

How right you are...strangers do not want to talk... especially girl think only freaks can walk up and start talking to her...

How sad. Can we change it somehow?

Maybe just kept telling her "Ohhh.. I know you! I have seen you three times before!"

?

 

Maybe because i'm a lot less shy, i exude an aura of approachability that I severely lacked as a shy person.

---

Where, how did you get that.. aura?

Are you an extrovert?

 

 

As soon as I'm inside, I'm approached by a very attractive blonde girl, who greets me and asks how she can help.

I say hello. I tell her I've never been to this gallery and I was killing some time but I said that some of the artwork looks interesting. So she start giving me a quick summary of what new art is being displayed.

---

Thats cool, I think she is willing to kill her time too.. and whiel hitting on you What do you like from 1 to 10? Somthing close to 9?

...Unfortunately I felt interest mostly from .hmm.. very overweight chicks.

I dont mind, but in additiong to that they were to attractive to me.

 

Girl: Hi, can I help you with anything today? (big friendly smile)

Me: Uhh, hi... (nervous smile) no, I'm just looking, thanks. (proceed to look away and end any further communication)

---

I think a lot of saleswomen just dont want to spend too much time on a customer. They would answer all your questions but usually r not willing to continue - they r kind... busy. maybe managers r watching them?

[Ceema-k]

Slightly OT, but...

 

If i think a girl is an 9 or 10 (out of 10), we are dealing with pure fantasy. I will look at them and my jaw will hit the floor. The girl at the gallery was probably 7.5 which to me is very attractive, but also attainable

 

back on topic. Anyway, my "aura" is probably nothing more than my ability to smile in public and look people in the eyes and be relaxed in public areas. I'm more of an inttrovert than extrovert, although an introvert is not necessarily a shy person. They simply prefer solitude as opposed to being around people all the time.

[al7]

Ceema-k

If i think a girl is an 9 or 10 (out of 10), we are dealing with pure fantasy. I will look at them and my jaw will hit the floor.

---

C'mon, they are real. I have seen quite a lot of 9s and 10s. No big deal to spot them, but I fugured out they are so spoiled.. would not you be, if you have some much attention.. if say girls would hit on you every minute?

Eventually you woudl become so ... unpleasant to them, cuz you have so many and have to reject the rest anyway.

 

The girl at the gallery was probably 7.5 which to me is very attractive, but also attainable

---

7.5.. hmmm you have such a precise gauge.. you sure she was not 7.67?

 

back on topic. Anyway, my "aura" is probably nothing more than my ability to smile in public and look people in the eyes and be relaxed in public areas. I'm more of an inttrovert than extrovert, although an introvert is not necessarily a shy person.

---

Ok,

Do you apprach girls? what do you say to them? Please share...

[Kyoshiro Ogari]

I really can't see my shyness with women being conquered. I thought I was over it, but after chickening out yesterday, I feel like I'm at square one. I had a chance to strike up a conversation but I just couldn't do it. And this is with a girl who I and a few people suspect like me. For 30 minutes I kept saying that this may be my last chance, what harm could it do, but I just couldn't do it. I wanted to at least look this girl in the eye, and I couldn't even look in her direction. I may need medication after all.

[Ceema-k]

Well al7, your hottie scale is weighted a little differently than mine, that's all

The art gallery girl was a solid 7.5... my gauge was recently calibrated, that's why it's so darn precise.

 

Anyhoo... yes, I've approached girls. I've also avoided giving you specific "lines" because it really does depend on the situation. Maybe I've just been very lousy conveying my ideas, but what I'm getting at here is having a specific icebreak prepared right down to the last letter is not the most important thing. Not by a long shot. If you twist my arm to get something specific out of me, then I'd just have to say that "hi" or "hello, how's it going?" are pretty reliable conversation openers. Honest to god. But how do you present yourself when you greet someone eh?

 

Someone could post on this forum the sweetest pick-up line to use. But if we approach a girl and deliver the pick-up like a nervous wreck, it'll be completely useless. There's actually nothing wrong with that. Make the mistakes. Look like an idiot once in a while. Like, I loathe cheesy pick-up lines. But maybe if I gave it a chance, I'd get better at saying them and it might end up working for me. Sooner or later, you need to take the leap. Once you've done that, then you can say that you've been there and know what it feels like. After a while, you'll get more used to it & begin to learn what works for YOU and what doesn't.