my life dilemma(long post)

[scorpion91]

I have this moderate to moderate high dilemma. I'm unsure if this is the right or wrong section to post this but hear it goes. And this a long post, just letting you know. These issues have bothered me, and I haven't really found a good person I could just talk to about these things. Any feedback I get from anyone, I'll appreciate it.

 

Education: I've obtained a BA-History last year(2014). I graduated with a 3.33 GPA and a minor in Anthropology. Currently I'm a MA student in the History program. I somewhat had a "sucky" 1st year but I improved somewhat. My first semester: I had a B-, B, A- which was a 3.11 overall. I bust my butt and turned that around slightly this past Spring 2015 semester: A, A-, B- with a new overall gpa 3.28. I know that 3.28 might seem "good" as an undergrad, but in grad school it might seem like a "sucky" GPA. Though, a 3.0 is "passing" in the History-MA program, but I don't want to cruise on with a 3.0-3.3 range. This second year, I would like to complete the year with a 3.5. I know my weakness has been my writing, particularly in composing the historiography paper, rather than having a paper like a research paper; also, my writing style. I reached out to the Graduate Learning Assistance Center at my college, and I do know that is a good resource. I somewhat was utilizing the generic "writing center" at my college that was at the library, but that was more geared towards the undergrad folks than grads.

 

I somewhat feel like a "loser" because a 3.28 makes me feel like a "failure", a "loser" sometimes. I don't know, if I'm the only guy in my MA program with the lowest GPA or what. I mean, I don't go around asking people, "What's your GPA?" I justt have that vibe. I'm not a "", I did attend class. I did particpate. I do want to "do something" with my BA/MA, something in a museum/archive setting. I am in a summer internship with this museum facility(Institute of Texas Cultures) that my college is affiliated with. I hope to do a good job, and see if I can put my foot on the door for a job there.

 

Also, the 3.28 GPA bothers me, because I've learned that anything less than 3.6 GPA won't "cut it" for PhD school, if I were to try at a PhD in the future. I don't know if I should, then again, the faculty in my department, some have sort of discouraged students to do the PhD route. I think the PhD for history program is more for going to the college setting more or less.

 

I mean, maybe I could do something with the museum/archive with my MA. I hope so.

 

Work: I haven't really worked in any job close to my field per se. I've held part time office jobs since August 2010. Though, I did have a library job last Fall that I love/hated that paid pretty good. Though, I had a love/hate relationship with one of my supervisors at times. She appeared to get ticked, whenever I did any little thing wrong at times. I sort of briefly held a job close to my field of my MA program this past January, I was a Student Clerk in the Special Collections department of my college's library. I was somewhat "fired" per se: It wasn't for misconduct or malice or anything bad; my supervisor had sort of insuinated to her supervisor, that I wasn't meeting performance for my work. I call B.S. on her: 1. I barely worked 1 1/2 days for that job. She gave me little training on the dynamics of the job, and basically expected to work like I was at McDs. I mean, I was handling 15-18th century colonial New Spain papers, pamphlets; I cannot just act like I'm at McDs handling and scanning those items, you know. 2. I was supposed to work a Friday and Monday, but she wasn't at work so I didn't work those days--I could've used those days for more training.

 

I got "over that" bs and applied for a new job: Graduate Research Assistant at the History Department. I reported to the history faculty I was assigned to work with for approx(2-3 1/2) weeks and just assisted with research: looking for articles, requesting books in their name, etc. That lasted till June 1. Then I was "unemployed."

 

I got a new job: I have a federal job at a local AF base. I'm a GS-2 Clerk with a AF Network Warfare Squadron. It's part time work(2 days/16 hrs) at $11.00/hr approx. Though, I applied for the job, because of my office/clerical experience I have. I'm not really towards the cybersecurity angle, but I have the clerical/office experience though. The job is a temp one, and I probably will only work it till end of August, because I just commute to that base since I don't have a license though.

 

Social: I have different circles of friends, you can say.

One circle: My younger friends(18-22) T, R, N, B, NM and people that know people around that group I'll label as aquaintances with different tiers. I've partied with this group of people. I saw this circle as a means of socialization, because I didn't feel like I fit in within the mainstream social sphere of graduate college. Without this circle, I would've felt miserable and lonely, probably succumb to bouts of depression. Out of those people I mentioned, I consider T and R like my close younger friends. We had good and bad times, but we cared about each other to a degree.

 

Second circle: A fragment of friend/acquaintances in grad school. I'm friends with a girl(25-27) in grad school. She and I had drinks a few times, she smokes like I do, and I felt like I had good chemistry with her whenever we talked and chilled. But sadly, she's not single; if she was, I'd get with her in a relationship. I chilled with her and some of her friends once, but after that she always was busy. I don't really socialize with grad school people for the following reasons: too old to be my friend, not really no one near my age. I do know people that are near my age, but I just felt this vibe of arrogance these particular people and I never had that acceptance from those particular people. Whenever I'm near them, I distance myself from those people and every opportunity. I do talk to people, but I hardly relate to anyone in my classes. I mean most of the guys are in their 30s-50s, so I'm not going to say,"Hey bro, you want to chill this weekend." That's weird. They are girls near my age, but most of them are with dudes already.

 

Third circle: A bunch of sober people I know in the community that I hang out with. I don't need to get into specifics on this circle per se. I have a love/hate relationship with this circle. I consider some of these guys as immature, act like they are 15-18 when they are actually in their 20s-30s. I do enjoy the "hanging out" part, but I wish they'd mature a bit. Whenever I get "bored" of this circle, I bounce back circle 1 or vice versa.

 

Sex/romance: I hate to say this, but I'm 23 and I haven't had sex yet. I tend to lie about this whenever I'm asked if I've ever had sex. When I'm with my friends in circle, I threw some whopper that I've had sex with 5-6 girls. I did that to maintain/retain a degree of masculinity/heterosexuality with my "bros." Why did I lie? Because my friends R and T have had sex already, and they sort of expected that I had sex by 23. I just said "I had sex with 5-6 chicks back as an undergrad..." Though, I'll say that the past few months, I've had nearly a few close calls of having sex: 1. December 2014- I was at a house of T's FWB. She, T, me, and another dude were in her bed. I did sort of a foreplay with the four of us. And no, I'm not gay or bi and it was slight 4 way(straight one). 2. March 2015- When me and T were smoking, I had this idea of "setting the bar high" for Spring Break. Having a small party. We get some beers, liquor, wine, green...the whole 9. But I wanted to step a little higher and I asked him of having a "three way...me, you, and J". J is his FWB. T didn't have a problem and he wouldn't have gotten pissed if the threesome happen. In fact, he even asked J about it, if she was cool with it--but she turned it down. She and I and T still hanged out that night of that party, but I didn't have no 3way. I felt like a fool, because I was telling some of my friends that I was going to get laid that night. It would've been cool, if I did have a 3way. I got over that bs of not having the 3 way. Now, I've been sort of been chilling with this girl. She's around my age, but she doesn't party. She is with that circle of sober people I know. I would like to get with her in a relationship. But I'm not looking to have sex her right off the bat, but I would like to date her and everything--and if we hook up, we hook up.

 

I realize that for "hook ups" my standards are descent girls(18-21), not promiscuous quality. That's sort of the reason why I was hanging out with T and circle 1: I wanted to party a bit, and have a few hook ups with some descent, classy 18-21 girls. I didn't have hook ups with the parties I went to with R and T, but I did talk to girls per se but I just have the "right" girl that I was going to bring the Barry White/Marvin Gaye soundtrack in bed with too. Though, R and T didn't hook up at parties like I did, we didn't make it to a game of let's see who gets laid tonight bs.

 

A real relationship(girlfriend) standards: descent girl(20-24), not promsicious quality. Though, I'll give an exception, if there was a 18-20 girl that I liked and was mature and classy, I'd let her be my girlfriend.

 

I'm 23, it somewhat frustrates me at times, that I haven't had sex. I know it's not the end of the world, if I never had sex yet. Though, I somewhat hate it, when my dad pisses me off when he says, "When are you going to bring a woman home..." It somewhat questions and attacks my masculinity when he says that to me. I did tell him about the threesome I almost had, but he somewhat assumed that T has feelings for J. That's not true, T and J are off/on FWBs. T was cool with the threesome, but J wasn't it.

 

Family: This is a real sticky topic for me to address. For almost all my life, I have a dysfunctional family. My dad has PTSD(Vietnam War service/dysfunctional family); he's been estranged from his own family since the late 80s/early 90s. Just some falling out he had with his own brothers and sisters over bs issues they were dealing with. Maybe my dad's PTSD had played a role, I don't know. So I haven't really known relatives on my dad's side of my family.

 

On my mom's side, I sort of knew my mom's brothers and sisters for a bit. Then I don't really know my own uncles and aunts. My dad at times, has dissmissed my own uncles as "ex-cons, alcoholics, and addicts." I hate to take a side and defend my dad or my mom, but I would like to ask him: I mean, what's your proof and logic to say they are ex-cons, alcoholics, and addicts. I mean, do you possess their jail records or criminal files. And my dad had said some story he told me, that back in the 70s, my aunt(my mom's sister)'s kids h ad stole some of my parents' jewerly from their house or apprtment, and pawned for drug money. Again, I wasn't born in the 1970s. I would've asked him at the time: Did you file a police report or insurance claim.

 

Though, it seemed for a while, that were some amicable relationship between my parents and my relatives before I was born. The issue of money seems to been some factor at certain ancedotes I've gathered.

 

My own nuclear family has been dysfunctional. With my dad's own PTSD, he can have random mood switches at certain points. Whenever I, my mom, etc do something a way he doesn't like, he gets pissed and such. Or when someone pisses him off, he gets pissed. And yeah I've gotten some brunt of his insults and my mom as well at times. I just hate the "mixed love" I've gotten from my dad: I mean he can show affection and love, but he can just hate and ignore me at times. It has screwed with my head for a long time. He held high expectations for me: He got upset when I was in Cross Country in High School, and I didn't place or run a specific time, and saw that I getting "past by the White boys"(My dad is Hispanic and he grew up in the 1950s/60s, so he sort of has that mentality at times).

 

With my new government job, he seemed to be okay with it, then got pissed that's not full time. I don't have a car at the moment, my dad was giving me a ride to the base that I work and he got pissed that it's too far from my house. It pissed me off somewhat on his own changing opinions. He constantly throws this crap, I should have a full time job "$40,000/yr teaching job" In Texas, being a teacher isn't the most glamorous job per se. He pissed me off this morning, and gives me bs over my government job. I was barely making $11 dollar, and not $40,000. I mean, come on. So I just crap put a $40,000/yr job, just like that you know. I mean, that's how life works you know.

 

I mean last time I checked, you move up in life. This government job I have for the summer, is a temp/part time one. I applied for it as a temp job, just for a little pocket money because I have clerical/office experience already. I have a summer internship and I'm doing a good job on that, and hopefully in the future I'll get a job at that place I'm interning at.

 

But I don't want to sound like I'm just bashing and putting my dad under the bus. When you step in his shoes, you've have to understand his own mentally fragmented mindset: His dad(my grandfather) had chastised him in his youth of being a "failure" among other things. And at times, he threw ancedotes that some of his brothers(my uncles)'s children have degrees and teach at colleges. That's partially true, but not 100%. I think, he wants to have high expectations for me, because he see me as some mirror image of himself.

 

Ironically, I see a mirror image of myself as my dad growing up. I had mentioned that to a therapist I saw in Ft.Worth back in 2011. I mean that the mirror image: dysfunctional family, sort of a slight estranged vibe between fathers, leaving home at 18(He went to USMC, I went to college).

 

At times, I've always felt sad around holidays(Christmas). I don't know why, but I think something happen during Christmas when I was a young child with my parents: maybe an argument and whenever I hear Christmas songs, or something Christmas related, I get into some crying spell around Christmas time. I recall I started to have these crying spells somewhere around '97-'99(ballpark figure).

 

I sort of get a "sad vibe" when I was in college, and saw perspective high school kids and their families visiting the colleges I've been to, because I just saw them as "the perfect family." Or when I was a freshman and attending orientation, I'd see these "perfect families" together. Whenever I'd see guys or girls(near my age to be exact), I'd assume they had the "perfect family." I know people can call bs on me; even a counselor told me that too.

 

Mental Health:

I just have had anxiety/depression for a while. I can't say for sure or not if this is the main issue that is the cause, but I can safely say that my dysfunctional family has played a role. I do not know if PTSD is "transfered" or not. Also, I've dealt with poverty and I suffered depression my first few months at an upper class White private college(fall 2010-Spring 2011). I wasn't use to leaving my hometown, and I did feel sad; though, despite the negativity of my dysfunctional family, I have this "weird" homesick feeling. Is that normal? And I recall I live in a "poor dorm"(it wasn't shabby, it was renovated in the 90s compared to the other dorms renovated in 05-08), and people critized my dorm a bit and call it that. I'm referring to the time I was at the White upper class private college, and I did have some simillar thoughts like my dad--and looked at things with at 1950s/60s lense. Basically, whenever any White guy had said something I didn't like or pissed me off, I felt like I was in the 50s/60s and assumed some racial bigotry. I'm not saying everyone was racist there, but I did see the preppy kids sitting together at lunch, and maybe that fueled that more; I sort of assumed certain White guys were racist, when they acted towards me in some "odd fashion." And my dad always told me, "Don't take s--- from nobody" and added to his fragmented 1950s/60s lense of the world, I stood up whenever I felt any hint of discrimination.

 

I experienced maybe 5 % discrimination: I had been said some racial slurs by a WASP from Nashville a few times. I did exchanged words but didn't fight that guy. I recall that this WASP and another dude from OK wanted to be my friend. However, they had acted with a weird benevolent White paternalistic manner and treated me like their "Hispanic token friend." They didn't call me that per se, but I felt like that. I had met them somewhat, they just followed me around a bit, and it was weird. We did chill a bit, but it was okay. But I didn't like the White paternalistic manner. I'll give an example: February 2011, I had this incident that happen to me at my college(I wont talk about it here because it's personal. Anyway, these guys knew about it. The OK dude had pm me on FB and we talked. He did seemed to show amicable traits and asked how I was doing. And said something about a "reunion" when I come back. I thought, "Okay..." Well, I showed back that day, Sunday night, and the OK dude and his WASP friends and some friends they knew. They asked me some personal questions related to that incident and it pissed me off. And I walked out of the dinning hall I was at, and the OK dude said, "I'm your only friend..." But it appeared in a White paternalistic mannner. He then appolgized sort of, when I confronted him later on that. I got tired of it, and eventually I never wanted to see him or those WASP dudes again. I just hated being messed with and then showing affection. But I always assumed and still do, that the OK dude might've wanted to been my friend but the WASP dudes manipulated him. I don't talk to like to talk about those guys because I had a lousy experience at that school at that time. Maybe the OK dude could've been my friend, maybe if we had the chance to talk and explain things. I do not know.

 

I'm 23, but I still want to be 18-19 again. Why? I didn't like college at 18-19, had low social skills/lack of a lot of friends. At 23, I feel like when I hanged out with my circle 1, it was college redux for me. I mention to people about "taping the fountain of youth." Maybe that's why I like to hang out with younger friends I know. It's like a sort of weird Peter Pan thing, but wanting to act like a college freshman again and again.

 

Low social experiences prior to college: I didn't "party" in high school like my contemporaries did. I had to "learn" to party in college. I thought the films such as Animal House, American Pie, etc were the "true" model for college life: I thought if I went to class M-F, partied on Friday night and Saturday nights, have lots of friends, and hook ups. Well I did go to class, I did party a bit, but I didn't have a lot of friends nor have sexual relations. Every time I failed to not reach the American college gender role: an X number of friends, losing virginity, partying...etc, I'd feel like a failure. I'd often compare myself to my "Facebook friends"(People that added me or I added in some fashion) that posted their pics of partying with their "Bros" and "girls" and such. And I often always compared myself, and saw myself as a failure. And often I felt depressed.

 

I did have friends and I often centered my friendship on alcohol and some green at times. I did know people that didn't party such as these guy in BYX(Brothers under Christ--a Christian frat) my freshman year. My social life of always fitting in, I see as intertwined with my dysfunctional family I suppose.

 

Sometimes, I feel sad and depressed that I consider my undergrad years as sad: 1. I didn't have a lot of friends. 2. I didn't have the girl of my dreams. 3. I didn't have sex. 4. I didn't have a 4.0 GPA. 5. I'm not making 30-50k just yet. 6. I wasn't no All-American Athlete. I wish I did run Cross Country in college, but I often see myself as a loser sometimes whenever I see College distance track events on ESPN, and I see those dudes running and I'm not.

 

I do not know if I'm a loser because I didn't fulfill certain things or norms.

 

The past year, it was good: I did go to grad school, I did enjoy college better...I befriended 2 freshman guys and I considered them as my younger brothers I never had. I partied with them and didn't burn no bridges with them. So maybe I had a success of a "Freshman year redux". But I often wish I could do more, like have sex, having more friends(grad school).

 

I do take 5-HTP for my depression episodes I get at times and I do have anxiety. I do get some anxiety episodes at times, and especially when I'm at my house dealing with my dad's PTSD mood swings.

 

 

I have questions I would to ask for you all and I would like to have feedback:

1. Do you consider my dysfunctional family life, as a crux of my problems I'm dealing with?

2. Do you consider that I've had a "good" few years despite not reaching traditional male gender roles in college(e.g. losing virginity, lots of friends...etc)

3. How can I let go of regrets of not doing "X and Y" at age 23, but not be sad over it?

4. What are some general advice you could give me on my overall issues of my life dilemma?

5. Is trying to act like a college freshman, because I had a crappy freshman year when I was in undergrad normal or something related to mental health?

6, Is having younger friends when no friends my age around, better than no friends around?

7. Am I "loser or failure" when I do the comparison of others

8. How can I go about doing better in grad school?

[El0t]

1. Do you consider my dysfunctional family life, as a crux of my problems I'm dealing with?

It sounds like it has had some impact, but to say that it is the sole reason for your problems seems a bit much. Many people come from a variety of familial backgrounds and end up in a variety of different adult life situations. It definitely has the power to shape your beliefs about family, social situations, and your base reactions to certain kinds of circumstances, but it also provides you with a unique perspective that you can use to positively inform these areas of your life as well.

 

2. Do you consider that I've had a "good" few years despite not reaching traditional male gender roles in college(e.g. losing virginity, lots of friends...etc)

Absolutely. The people I know from high school and college who "partied it up" are completely miserable once the fun is over. They have no direction in life; are working dead end jobs or not at all, have dysfunctional and toxic relationships, often feel isolated and have nothing resembling any sort of meaningful human contact. You are in grad school for something you have a genuine interest in pursuing intellectually and career-wise. While you might not be performing at the level you want yet, not many 23 year olds can say that they are in your position of even having an undergraduate degree, thinking about grad school, or much less getting accepted and actually pursuing it. You have a variety of social outlets, have work experience and a source of income, and are able to reflect on your internal feelings/ issues, which means that you can definitely manage, and eventually overcome them.

 

 

3. How can I let go of regrets of not doing "X and Y" at age 23, but not be sad over it?

Realize that the people who were doing "X and Y" put on a show of having fun. They do "X and Y" because they feel no real connection, have no sense of purpose, and feel that if they can engage in these activities their time spent is somehow valid because that's what the social norms dictate and say is valid. You would be hard pressed to find an individual who has half a brain and actually believes that "X and Y" are actually a valid and positive use of time leading to overall happiness and satisfaction in life though.

 

4. What are some general advice you could give me on my overall issues of my life dilemma?

Don't settle for less. You have standards, goals, ideas of how you want your life to go and who you want to be. Don't change those to fit what you think other people think you should be. Whether it's your parents, a particular group of friends, the perceived "norm"... You seem far above all of that, as tempting as it may be to want to explore. The grass is always greener, as they say.

 

5. Is trying to act like a college freshman, because I had a crappy freshman year when I was in undergrad normal or something related to mental health?

I think that's a pretty normal reaction for a lot of people to have. Once you look back and find all of the things you could have done better, of course you will contemplate whether it's too late to try to acquire those experiences. Hindsight bias. Is actually pursuing acting like a college freshman while you're in grad school elegant or classy? No. It doesn't mean you're ill, it just means that you're experiencing a mini-quarter-life crisis. Reflective people often do.

 

6, Is having younger friends when no friends my age around, better than no friends around?

I don't think younger is the issue. The issue is the quality of friends. I've had friends who were much younger, decades older, from different continents, etc. Find people you truly connect with. People who you have a mutual respect for and obligation to better each other's lives, with whom you can also just kick back and have a good time. Easier said than done. Having acquaintances who you enjoy being around is just fine too. If those people are younger and you feel that you are getting something beneficial from spending time with them without negative consequences, then don't over think it.

 

7. Am I "loser or failure" when I do the comparison of others

No. It's in our human nature to compare ourselves to others around us. Just be sure that you're comparing yourself in a fair way. You're very critical of yourself, but seem to take other people at face value. You see people partying, following the "expected" behaviors and assume they're having a good time and enjoy life. Often not the case. I don't remember you specifically mentioning this, but a lot of people become depressed or feel insecure because they compare the reality of their lives to the fantasy unicorn rainbow that is known as "other people's lives on social media". I would suggest you take some time to critically reflect on the image other people project before you compare yourself.

 

 

8. How can I go about doing better in grad school?

Don't be afraid to admit when you need help. Grad school is still school. Look to your professors for advice, as they will be the ones most informed in your particular field, and therefore the most qualified to answer this particular question.

 

Hope this helps!