Need some good advice

[goodoleboy]

Well, here goes nothing. I dated a girl for about a year. Then got married. We are now broken up. She had conversations with another guy for about 3 weeks. She did go by his house one time. She told this guy that her marriage and husband were far more important than he was. She did drop the subject and not speak to him again. But for 3 months I gave her hell over it. I told her I live day to day. She told me daily that she hated not knowing if we were getting a divorce. She became the perfect spouce and really put forth a great effort. But before all this I gave her the world. She got a new care ever 6 months and a brand new house and everything she could ask for. But I was so tied up in business I neglected her for 4 weeks before the conversations started with the other guy. She went from a size 4 to 16 in 2 years and I did pick at her weight some. Her mom got on my nerves so bad that I would not go with her to see her mom for around 5 months. We were used to seeing her daily. But anyway. She said she was fed up and her mom backed her 200% and she filed for divorce. But she wanted to live with me in the house till it was final. But her mom talked her out of that. Then she calls me alot. We went to court. First hearing. I got everyting but her car. She called me that afternoon after court and wanted to eat dinner and it went well. No talk of divorce or marriage. Then the next day she came over at lunch and wanted sex. I gave in. Then the next day she is up set when she called. For no reason. I didnt talk to her for a few days and she calls to talk about tax issues that are due over 3 months from now. Got mad since I was going out on a Saturday night but didnt go off to bad.

 

She talks about after the divorce (since her mom wants it more than she does) that she thinks we can date or get back together some day if our paths cross. But she is in a bad bind most of the time since she has to live with her mom and she works part time for her mom as a waitress at a cafe in town. She has no money and no way to make it or as compared to the life she had lived with me.

 

I would love to pay her mom for the lawyer fees and make this go away. But she is heart set on going through with the divorce. I would like to have our home back together. Any advice on how to win her back would be great. Whatever it takes I will do. But it seems like it bugs her real bad if I have no contact.

[PrincessLinzay]

Well, it sounds to me like she would probably be willing to work things out if she didn't have the constant pressure from her mother. With a little persistence, she may be willing to go to counselling or something.

 

I would attempt to have a civilized conversation with her in which you actually tell her that you don't want this divorce, that you would much rather attempt to salvage your marriage. That you're willing to try if she's willing.

 

I think she has a warped sense of what marriage is if she thinks you'll just get divorced and then you can start dating again. Marriage is a little bit more serious than a b/f g/f relationship. Divorce is serious, and not to be looked at as a temporary "break up".

 

I would try telling her your feelings. Maybe she doesn't understand that you're willing to work at it? In any case, give it a shot!

 

Good Luck!

[goodoleboy]

Hmmm, new chain of events here. She called me again. we talked about 2 hours. It was about her needing help getting on her own. things to go in her new house and deposit and monthly payments and the utilities. Now, she loves to look and just ask questions on houses or cars or what ever. But she wants to come over tomorrow nite. Have dinner. Steaks on the grill and so forth. And wants me to rub her back and legs and feet and let her relax. She also wants me to give her a few thousand dollars from what I see. She is now willing to pay cash for an old car that runs since she cant afford a car payment. But she wants to come over about once a week for the listed above and sex. she has also heard that I am gone alot and dating others. But tells me she does not care. But acts mad. Why would she want to come over and so forth if she tells me she wants the divorce. Im so damn confused. LOL

[HeavenLee]

Well, that sure is interesting. She wanted a divorce, but still wants to rely on you for things like money and sex. Well, if you want a divorce, you can't get to pick and choose which parts you want to dump and which you would rather keep. If she knew she was going to struggle, she should have thought about that before she proceeded to divorce you. There are no kids, so she knew she was going to be on her own... and out of your life, but she still proceeded. If she thought there was a chance that you could get back together one day, she should have tried to make it work with counselling etc, not just use divorce as a forceful means of seperation. What exactly is she trying to achieve? I'm confused. She doesn't want to be in a relationship with you, but wants the good perks that come with it. I know what I'd be telling her.....

 

I think that you need to enforce the no contact until she decides what it is she wants. It should have nothing to do with her mother. If she really loves you, no one can force her to divorce you. Make her make the decision... she goes through with the divorce and she is out of your life for good - no exceptions, or she can drop the whole thing and work on the marriage. It's only fair to you I would think. She can't have it both ways, and can't go through with it just to make someone else happy. That's just plainly ridiculous, and shows how little she values the true meaning of marriage.

 

Be tough, let her know that whatever bed she makes, she's gotta lie in it and take the consequences. Don't have sex with her, don't give her anything, and certainly don't go rubbing anything of hers. When and if she wants to be your REAL wife again, then she can have all the good stuff you have to give.... not before.

 

Good luck to you, and I hope that it turns out for the best.

[goodoleboy]

You have some very good points. I feel you are right. I will avoid the contact and not let her come by. I just wonder what she really is thinking. Why would a women that wants a divorce want to spend time with her soon to be ex and time of this natrue on top of that. If I was the one wanting to get away from her I would not want to talk or see each other no matter what. This just goes against nature if ya ask me. There is no logic.

[HeavenLee]

Exactly, she shows no logic. So it's time that she made up her mind as to what she really wants and is honest with you. After all, we are not talking about a bf/gf situation, we are talking about a marriage... which is something to be taken seriously. You don't mess around with something like that. I would just be straight and ask her why she wants to divorce you but wants to spend so much time with you, especially of this nature. Let her know she can't have it both ways. Don't just blow her off, but explain why you do not think it is a good idea, because it is confusing things too much..... she either wants a divorce, or she doesn't. She also needs to grow up and stop letting other people influence decisions about her own life.

 

Hope it goes well for you!

[goodoleboy]

Hmmm, she came by. Not for the evening thing but just showed up. Got a few of her things and was a complete prick. Not one good thing came out of her mouth. Pushed all buttons to piss me off. She acts like she is so cold and so distant and pissed at the world.

 

Should I go or should I stay. It is hard to be nice to someone that is a total prick 99% of the time. Complains I have the world and the money and she does not want help but how hard life is for her. I dont get it.

[HeavenLee]

And she shouldn't ask for your help either... you make your bed, you lie in it... simple. Surely she must know that you would prefer to work on your marriage than get a divorce.... so the choice has always been in her hand. No one is holding a gun to her head.

 

My advice? I think you should go. Surely you don't deserve this sort of up and down treatment. May I ask whether you spoke to her before she came around and put your foot down with her? I just wondered if that had anything to do with it, or she is just like that normally? If it is just normal behaviour for her, maybe she needs professional help. Life is very rarely fair or all it's cracked up to be... but that's why we all have choices. There is no point taking it out on you.

 

I still think you should be firm and strong with her. Let her know she can't have it both ways. Let her see the real consequences of her own actions. Maybe it will snap her out of it. If not, keep right on dating and enjoying yourself and move onto a better and happier life....

[goodoleboy]

Well, she came by with no call. She went the other way and was peaceful. We didnt really talk about anything of importance. We didnt argue at all. I have a whirlpool tube that is big enough for 4 people and she wanted to take a bath. This time I diddnt get in with her. Then the bed thing. I said I dont have protection so I was able to prevent that.

 

She was nice but very cold. I think the no contact may be the righ thing. I know she knows what she is losing. I know that no contact drives her crazy. And you are a stranger and your advice seems right in line with what my head tells me. How long should I go with out taking her calls?? Should I just move on and give it some time?

 

Thanks again for you time.

[HeavenLee]

You should keep with no contact and being tough until she makes a decision about what she really wants, either way. She is still proceeding with the divorce/seperation, and as long as she is going to continue with that, then she has to accept the consequences of what she is asking for (if she wants out of your life, she's got it). You also have to accept that this must be what she wants to do, respect her decision, and make an effort to heal your heart - you can't let her have it both ways, or else she will continue to keep popping in and out of your life and keep confusing you. During that time, move on with your life, go see what else is out there, have some fun, do some things that you have always wanted to do, hang out with friends. If or when she comes around, then by that time you may no longer want her back. You may see a chance for more happiness elsewhere. But if you still want her back, and she makes up her mind that she wants you, then at least you can be sure that it is what she really wants. There is no point sitting around waiting for her - I'm sure you deserve better than this. I feel that she's got a lot of growing up to do and she's really gonna have to pick up her game if she wants this marriage to work.

 

I'm sure she would not like the no contact, but it's the choice that she made that provoked it. If she asks why you are treating her this way, tell her the truth. That you were willing to try to work it out, but she made her decision to proceed with the divorce, so now you are trying to cope the best way you can to move on.... if she wants to reconcile, then you are willing to TALK, but if not, then she will have to respect your decision to want no contact and leave you to heal in peace.

 

I'm sorry to keep repeating myself, but people that want to have their cake and eat it too really grate on my nerves. It's just plain selfish. And I know it must be hurting and confusing you more and more. I know what it's like to want something to work and have the other party play games with you. It's not pleasant at all, and I really feel for you.

 

Whatever happens, you'll pull through all of this and hopefully come out a much happier person on the other side. It's what you deserve after all....

[goodoleboy]

Heavenlee, you have some good advice. Its hard to follow sometimes becasue my heart gets in the way.

 

I went with her to eat Thursday. We had a great time and nothing mentioned about us. I didnt buy her things at the mall as well. Then Friday night she came over to a frineds house where I was and we talked. He told her how serous things of divorce are and etc. He got on me alot as well. But she told us 2 times she wanted the divorce and we could be frineds. Then she told us 3 times she didnt know what to do. She kissed me 3 times before she left. Friday night we went out to eat and to the mall. She bought her own stuff again. Then watched movies at my house. She was still a little distant. Tonight is the super bowl and we are watching it with another couple. but it is her birthday as well. I got her a big cake and a nice present. $50 is all i spent on the gift.

 

She made a change in herself on tureday of last week. I was eating breakfast with a guy I have known for 20 years and a lady came in that I grew up with. She sat by me and ate then left. It took 20 minutes to get to the other cafe where she works. People talk alot and fast in a small town. She went through the roof. yelling scraming etc. then Wednesday she chilled out and wants to spend more time together. I have been acting happy and indifferent about all this. I act like my world is perfect.

 

Question now. Since she is still distant and not asking to come back should I start Monday and go with NC for 2 or 3 days?? Would it help to show her I may be moving on?? Not sure the next step to take.

[HeavenLee]

Hi Goodoleboy! Boy do I know how hard it is to do the right thing when that pesky heart keeps getting in the way!

 

I can't believe that she got upset when a lady friend sat to eat with you. Frankly, I would have told her to get over it.... she wants to divorce you, so does she think you will wallow in self pity for the rest of your life and never try to find love again? Hmmmmm, I doubt it. The thing that really bothers me about her is that she does not seem to be taking responsibility or know the consequences of her actions. It just seems easier to make you the bad guy all the time, while she plays the victim.

 

This is what I would do: sit her down and have an honest talk. Tell her she can't behave this way anymore. Tell her you would like to have a go at making the marriage work. If she still wants a divorce, tell her very bluntly how things will be then - and set down the rules. It means that you will be able to see whoever you like, whenever you like, that she can not come by your place without a courtesy call, that she can not have the "good things" that come with a relationship anymore and that you will be able to be friends one day, but not at the moment because it hurts you too much - so perhaps it is best if you both went your separate ways for a while. Tell her that she will have no right to get upset at who you talk to or spend time with. Let her know exactly how things will be when the divorce goes through. Tell her that you don't really want that to happen, but if it proceeds then there is no other choice. You will be two separate single people moving on in separate life directions. And that is, at the moment, what she wants... so what else can you do?

 

If you feel that you should try no contact for a few days, by all means go ahead. See how you feel after a few days and see how she has reacted, and then gauge whether you feel it is the best way to go. I just really think that she needs to have some sense knocked into her, and whatever you think will jolt her into the realisation of what she is really doing, then go ahead and try. Personally, I would rather see you be quite blunt with her, but you could also just tell her how you feel and how she is confusing and hurting you too much, so you will go into no contact for a while. Just make sure that you put the fault at her feet, so she can try to accept what she is doing.

 

Good luck and let me know how you go.... (or if you need any help!!)

[goodoleboy]

Well, we went out Saturday night as I stated before. Sunday she get off work and went home and got ready and came over to some friends house where I was for the super bowl party and I got her a Birth Day cake so we did that along with the super bowl. She wanted to leave at half time and for us to go to my house. We did. We watched TV and kicked out on the couch. She had to go a few hours after that since her parents wanted her to come eat with them. She called on her way home and let me know she was there.

 

She wants to go to the movies tonight and go eat as well.

 

She stil does not want her mom to know we speak. but other than that she acts normal now and will be around our friends with me.

 

but you just have so many good points I feel I am missing something and doing all the wrong things.

[goodoleboy]

LOL I called to get the time she was coming over to go. She said she was in a small town near by shopping. She never went there before. Plus on her cell bill she was caling someone there and spending alot of time on the phone with them.

 

She still wants to go to dinner and the movies. but I feel there is a snake in the wood pile real bad. She was real rude to me this time and acted like she was pissed off.

[goodoleboy]

ok ok you all are right. I went to Wal Mart with wher then to the Mall again. She assured there is nothing between us. Then I had to get gas and she went in to pay and saw me on the phone. She thought it was another girl and went off. Green eyed monster like you would not think possible. Then I asked about a guy that is double her age and she said we talked a few times and then went off on the thought of them going out. She got real mad.

 

She acted like heck the rest of the evening.

 

I guess it is time for the NC to no end. I figure we have never gone over 2 days of not talking in 4 years. But would it give me peace of mind and help me to go a week atleast with NC. I know this is hard but I have to do something to either win her back on good terms or just move on. I am about fed up after the past 5 weeks. Im on the narrow of just giving up totaly.

[HeavenLee]

Hi Goodoleboy, how's things going?

 

Your last statement said it all.... that you are close to giving up. That's probably why no contact is imperative. Not only for her benefit to realise the consequences of her actions, but also to give yourself some room to breathe and think about things. I understand that you love her, but there is only so much one can do. And if she is determined to go ahead with the divorce, it will get you used to being apart and allow you to cope better.

 

I see the signs that you bring up as big red flags. Not wanting her mother to know you are talking... not good. I see her jealousy as simply coming from the fact that she doesn't want to picture you with anyone else. She doesn't want to commit to saving the marriage, but she sure as hell doesn't want anyone else moving in. I find that selfish and unfair. She wants a divorce, and can't expect you to pine away for her alone for the rest of your life. She is just not understanding the implications that all of this is having on you, and that's not right, especially seeing that you are being so amicable. The only thing I worry about is that she is using you as a crutch to get herself over this and onto the point that she feels confident enough to move on on her own. The only reason I bring this up is because I have a friend in a similar situation and it appears that is what his friend is doing. Do you think this is a possibility?

 

I just still think that if she is saying that there is nothing, then that is what you should show her (not in a nasty way, don't wanna burn bridges). But I mean move on with your own life and when she wants to be a part of it, let her know that she made her decision, and unless she wants to talk reconciliation, it's best that you both move in separate directions.

 

Anyway, please let me know how things are going for you!

[goodoleboy]

I avoided her yesterday. I called her back due to her calling my business partners. She really didnt need much. Now I am out of town today and she does not know this. I am just not goint to take her calls no matter what for a few days. I hope the NC will open her eyes. I know a few years ago we split up for about 6 weeks. Before we were married. And when I went for 3 days with out talking to her she got mad and that is what started us on the path of getting back together. So NC has a big part of getting your point accross.

[HeavenLee]

Hey!

 

So how's the no contact going? Remember, don't just use it as a way to try and get her back. Also use it to give yourself some space to put a different perspective on things. Use it to be productive for yourself, and determine what is best for you. Do you really want this? Do you really agree with her behaviour? Is this all you dreamed of? Will you be happy even if you do get back together?

 

Believe me, a couple of days or so with no contact will not make her realise her errors in total. It will take much more. Even after the no contact period, make sure that you distance yourself and stop being so available to her. Keep all phone calls brief, and if she is just making small talk, ask her the intention of the call. If she just wants a "friend", then treat her as one. But letting her behave the way she is just feeds her behaviour. I find it very immature that she can't tell her mother that you are even speaking. To me it shows she doesn't have the maturity or mindset to really make a relationship successful, unless someone else is doing the work. I don't know, I could be wrong, but her behaviour is just very selfish and I just don't think that a bit of no contact will snap her out of it. I think it will take a jolt like the realisation that she is very close to losing you... what it takes to get to that point? Who knows? But at the moment, you don't have that much to lose, because she is still very up and down and doesn't seem to want to make it work (not sure how much influence the mother has, but that's just a ridiculous excuse).

 

Oh, I wish I knew her so I could give her a good talking to - or I wish I could do something more to help you. I don't think she has any idea what a great guy she is risking. Sometimes we never really appreciate what we have until it's gone...

 

Keep me updated...

[goodoleboy]

Well, the no contact is going. Will be 2 days this afternoon. LOL I had a good time yesterday. A girl that I have known for years that is cute, sweet, independent came over and we went to dinner. (no sex) But we did spend alot of time together. I forgot how it felt to be around someone in a good mood and laughing. I cant remember the last time I felt normal until yesterday. I went to bed late last night and slept great. I got up and felt great. Today is the girl's birthday that I was with yesterday. She may come over to eat dinner and in the morning we may just go to Hot Springs for the weekend. (no sex) I just dont think sex is the right thing to do right now. Not fair to me, her or my marriage. In my own mind anyway.

 

I just get tired of not knowing from day to day where we stand. Then with a girl that is everything I ever wanted and dreamed of walks in my life and I have the chance to make something just seem like fate. I dont jump on rebound issues so I tend to look at things real, real close then jump. but this new girl seems to be all I never had.

 

Most of all I dont think of my ex when I am with her. It is just great. but I am affraid I will go back to my ex and hurt this girl. What do I do??????????????????????????

[HeavenLee]

My advice is simple... keep enjoying yourself with this new girl. Do something that will make you happy for a change. The ex has made a decision, that I think will be very hard for you to change because of other outside influences having an impact on her decision also. I don't think you will ever really know where you stand, but I could be wrong.

 

Stop worrying about everyone else, and give yourself a shot at being happy. If it is with this new girl, so be it. You've done all you can with your ex, and she is still determined to go through with the divorce. Only she can change that.

 

I hope you do go away with the new girl and have a blast!!!

[goodoleboy]

Well, I have kept the no contact today. The Daytona 500 speed week is in place for Nascar and me and my wife were there last year for this event. She was on my mind so I messed up real bad. I sent her a donzen roses. they were a orange color with red tips. It was cool as it could be. It had butterflies as well. Looks like they were flying around the roses. It is cool. But I thought well, she works today and it always made her so proud to have flowers sent to her. So I did it. I got a text message telling me the roses were beautiful and thank you. I got my message accross what ever that was.

 

Her cousin called me today as well. He said that he was at the lake and saw my house so thought he would call and give me a call and check on me. After we talked a bit he brought up my divorce. He said that my ex is hitting rock bottom to a degree. He said she doesnt have all the money and nice things anymore. She is working double shifts just to have spending money. That she is always in a bad mood. That she is keeping some guys kids and they are driving her crazy. But when she calls me she asks like kids are just oh so cool. Her cousin also said that he can tell that the divorce is starting to hit home with her. He said that she knows she is not near as happy and her moods are bad most of the time. what is so sad is she is hanging out with low life people. Now I dont mean poor people. I mean people that have not morals. People that have been in and out of jail for drugs and stuff.

 

Is it possible that people wake up one day and realize what they had and want it back??

[goodoleboy]

Another strange day. My ex called and I didnt pick up. Then she texted me and said she was going to the house to get some things. She is by the court order not suppose to be there at all. So I went home and then we talked on the phone. She was bent all kinds of sideways. then she would go off and hang up. Then call back and be level headed. She said she had plans at 11:00 this morning (like a date) and could be at the house at 12:00. but come to find out she was at her moms house with her little cousin. then she said tonight would not work out since she had plans. She makes it like she is out dating. But then alot of the time she is doing no wrong but she does plant seeds with me. She talks about getting back together down the road. But she did this last time years ago and later told me if she didnt give our seperation enough time that we would have never gotten back together and made it. So I wonder if this is not another point she is proving to me. She has said from day one that after the divorce we can date or live together or what ever but we need to wait till the divorce.

 

Now she wanted to get our vow's redone months back anyway. So this may be an effort to do that after the divorce and just start over. I dont know. This is bumming me out bad.

[HeavenLee]

Okay goodoleboy, I read your posts while I was at work (couldn't reply because it restricts access), but your posts have been bothering me all day so I had to rush home and reply.

 

I can't remember if you've ever explained it to me before, but the situation that she is creating is really quite bizarre and I can't figure out exactly what it is that she is trying to achieve...

 

Don't you find it a little disturbing that she is saying that you will probably get back together and live together and date again, but she still wants a divorce? WHY? Couldn't you try and sort it out and start afresh without going through the hassle of a divorce... then if it still didn't work out I could understand then you would push for the divorce. Doesn't that seem wrong to you? Or is it just me? You seem like a really good person, and I don't know why you put up with her blatant games, instead of telling her a few home truths. I'm sure you don't deserve to be messed around like this. Surely you are getting sick of all this right? The mood swings and uncertainty are enough to test the patience of a saint!!!!

 

I know that her mother is pushing a divorce, but it still doesn't make sense if she has plans on getting back together. There just doesn't seem to be a necessary reason to get a divorce, if she still wants to act out that you are married.

 

Honestly, I still think you should put it all on the table for her and let her know that if she goes through with the divorce, then that will be it (otherwise it's pointless to get one!!). Tell her that she needs to make a decision either way, and stop messing you around. She can either have a divorce and be a FRIEND ONLY, with no added benefits, no turning back and will be treated like a friend accordingly (ie, will have no say in what you should or shouldn't do, has to call and make arrangements if she wants to see you, and has to give you the space that you need to move on)... or she can try and make a go of it, while still being married (which doesn't mean that she has to live with you or rush things) and see how things pan out. She just really seems to be very irrational, and I feel needs you to lay it all out for her to be able to understand. I can only imagine how frustrated you must feel, because I know how confusing it all is to me!!!

 

I realise that you still love her... but she is playing a very silly and immature game with you and I'm not sure what her point is. But it's up to you to draw the line and make boundaries, and now you must decide what it is that you will or won't put up with... otherwise this behaviour is going to continue and you'll be stuck at this point indefinitely. You can't control what she wants to do, but you can either be a willing participant in her game, or accept what she is doing and make decisions that will be in your best interests (whether she likes them or not). She is not the victim here, so she doesn't get the sympathy or does it entitle her to make you feel guilty. It was HER decision. If she is not going to change her mind, that's fine, but then it's time for you to accept what you can not change and go find a piece of happiness for yourself....

 

Sorry if this doesn't really make sense, but it's been bothering me all day and I have been trying to type everything out before I forgot anything!!!!

 

Hang in there goodoleboy!!!