Long story about lost love, in the process of regaining it.

[lipton]

Hi all.

The woman I love broke up with me soon after a 2 week vacation together. We had been together for 11 months. Just prior to going away together she had asked me about moving in together, she talked about how much she loved me, and talked often of us being exclusive, which we had been for the whole ten months (at least as far as I know). She tried to tell me for a few weeks what the problems were, and that she needed space, but the more she talked the more anxious and clingy I got, I even talked to her about thoughts of marriage, and that seemed to make things much worse. Eventually one day she just walked away, and quit talking to me. For a couple of weeks. I was a complete mess. But decided to not contact her until she contacted me, figuring she needed space to work things out. We met on link removed, and one day for no particular reason, I decided to check to see if she was there, and she was. I was devastated, and wrote her a very long email telling her so, and also the work that I had been doing. She responded, and apologized, and hid her profile. Well, we did a lot talking about what happened, and I am pretty sure why she needed to stop our relationship. I see that I caused much of what happened, though she agreed that she was part of it as well. I am completely convinced that the problems are readily fixable, and had a lot to do with things outside of our relationship that were happening to me at the time. That was 4 months ago. We saw each other a bit, then she told me she just wanted to be friends for a while. I tried, but could not shake my desire to be more than that with her. After several tries of being "friends" we got together one morning and she told me we had to quit seeing each other altogether. At the time I was trying way too hard, lots of gifts, and notes, and declarations of love. Overkill... Anyway, we had plans that day, we decided to follow through on, by the end of the day, she told me she did not want to lose me, there must be another way. We took a week vacation from each other, then met. She told me we could date again, but have to take it slow, and day by day, no long term commitments. And she skirted the issue of exclusivity. Which is really the problem I'm having. Since the dating, we have seen each other a lot, probably every other day or so, and emails/phones in between. We went to NYC together (we're from the pacific NW). She can be affectionate with me, but not passionate. We used to have a lot of sexual intimacy in our first 11 months, and that was part of our problem, too much too fast. Other problems were that I resisted getting to know her sons, who live with her, and really being involved in her whole life. that has changed, I'm good friends with her sons, and I like them tremendously. Which she sees and really likes. We have another trip planned next month, and even a multiple week summer trip internationally. And she has talked about us doing things together a year out or so. So now it seems like we have progressed into a dating couple, with affection (kissing, holding hands, hugging, laying in each other's arms watching TV, etc...) but no sex. Everything seems to be progressing in the right direction. BUT, I have a problem of trust. She is in a long distance relationship with someone else, though she seems to be more interested that he does. And she just got back onto link removed, and has contacted a few guys. She has not told me this, and this is my sin, I have hacked in to find out, she is not very careful about her passwords. If I did not spy on her and see her words, and these things, I would think things are going great. My photos are up all over her house, and mementos from our trips, etc. She calls me happily, and talks about lots of things, including missing me when I'm out of town. But I know that secretly she is "looking elsewhere". All contacts (that I'm aware of) are long distance, and one is a guy she knew prior to knowing me.

 

So, I've written a bunch, sorry about that. I really love her, despite some of my compulsive actions, and lots of things point to her having feelings for me. But I am so bothered by this third-party stuff. I am just jealous. What do I do? Do I tell her what I've found, and push for her to drop others? Do I ignore the others, and just try to keep "winning her heart"? Help...

[Desired1]

I'm glad that you could share your story with us

WOW

[TTSS]

She sounds like a game player to me.

Protect your heart man.....you're setting yourself up to get crushed.

Been there.

[cassiana]

Im glad you admitted hacking in. I did something similar today because I felt so angry and now I feel like i should be institutionalised. If shes looking elsewhere then obviously all is not well. Try and improve yourself, suss out subtlye whats amiss and change tactics a bit. But on no account tell her about your moment of lunacy.

[cyberbabie30]

Hi,

Sounds to me she is not sure what she wants.

I just went through something similar as you

My ex was looking while he was with me also but in this case he is the one who wanted to be exclusive with me. I broke it off because i got tired of the games.

 

I broke up with him 4 months ago, I still hear from him time to time by email, but i know in my heart we wont ever get back together

Why because he is still looking on the dating sites. And still will if we did,

 

Sounds likes she may be commitment phobia and emotionaly unavaliable

Like mine is.

[lipton]

Thanks for all the responses. I guess what I'm trying to just figure out what is going on. I have talked to her multiple times in the last few days, and we had a really good weekend together. I am out of town this week. The way I see it is that 1) she is playing games with me, letting me be the guy who takes her out, takes care of her, until she finds who she wants 2) she is just confused, and is not sure about her and I, so keeps looking. She has told me within the last two weeks that we were dating, and seeing where it would go with the two of us, with no timeframes, either long or short. But we have plans together that go through the summer. She keeps us a bit at a distance, but has been affectionate in terms of hugs, holding hands, kisses (though not passionate kisses), and positive statements.

 

I guess I'm hoping she is just confused, and needs to just have this outlet for a while. She has not actually met anybody, as far as I can tell.

 

I want to try to wait her out, one thing I know that I am doing poorly is being "too nice, trying too hard", and not giving her a chance to miss me or miss my attention. I have not played hard to get...

 

In fact, that's an area I really need help with, how to be more independent of her, more detached, and showing her that I don't have to have her. Even though I'd sure like to be with her....

 

Thanks for your comments, and help.

[Mistacat]

I think the first thing you need to do is SLOW DOWN. Whats happening to you is that your battling against human nature. Your breaking a lot of the rules of dating, and the one you want is giving you a hard time because of this. Run to your nearest bookstore or Amazon and get this book "LOVE TACTICS: How to Win the One You Want". You will spot everything your doing wrong in this book, and it will help you to turn the tables on your problem.

 

What you have in your favor is that your able to SEE her. And I bet you SEE her more than those guys she's writing to accross the country. I'll tell you what they probably have going for them that you don't. They're probably still a little mysterious to her, they probably engage in deeper conversations with her through the emails also. When your with her your probably just focused on getting her back so the art of seduction isn't in your dating plan.....you have to bring that BACK. Being clingy, crowding, constantly whining, SNOOPING, boring, TOO INTENSE, needy, and a bunch of other stuff is what is probably stopping this woman from devoting fully to you. Get the book I mentioned before and it will help you to work on all of this and alot more that your missing.

 

Also, you have to get your edge back. You have to start being the fun guy that she fell head over heels for in the beginning. The trip taking is good, come up with some other things you can do together that would bring that excitement back into your lives. Be spontaneous, take her places those guys in the emails are too lame to even think about....you understand. As a matter of fact, FORGET ABOUT THEM.....THEY CAN'T TOUCH YOU. That is they can't touch you when you get your self together and start learning the dating skills that you need to learn in order to keep a woman.

 

She's keeping you at a distance now, but when you start to seduce her and warm her up to you.....you won't have to go to her, she'll come to you. You have to take her to a place (imagine going up in the clouds) where she's never been before. Talk to her like no guy has ever talked to her before. And do it so well that if she ever wants to take that trip again, she has to go through you....because finding another guy who can move her like you will be too hard...you understand. Touch her feminity with your words, with your deeds, with your style.

 

Get the book "The Art Of Seduction" by Robert Greene, and start applying some of these principles into your dating life. This will help you to increase the excitement in your relationship. Go after every one of the 5 senses that your woman possesses. Her eyes, her taste, her sense of smell, her sense of touch, and her hearing. Eyes: get some new clothes, make sure your walking like a man and not with your head down. Taste: what does she like, cater your activities and conversations towards this. Also, make sure your cooking some nice dinners and tantalizing her taste buds. Etc. etc. etc. you get the picture. PM me if you want more on that subject.

 

Last but not least is you sex life. You have to be the baddest dude in bed this side of the equator. Get yourself some sex books and some sex tips. Approach your woman's body like its an instrument waiting for you to play it, be an artist and make every sexual escapade a new painting. Always have a new sex trick up your sleeve, never let her be able to predict whats gonna happen in bed with you. One night do one thing, the next night do another thing that will blow her mind. You'll get all kinds of ideas from sex books so go and buy some.

Once again you'll be taking her on a trip that if she ever wants to experience again she'll have to go through you to feel it.

 

Other than that show strong character, integretity, discipline, be kind and caring....and all of that stuff....and you should be able to bring this woman back your way. But you gotta be willing to make the commitment. What I'm telling you will help you to get any woman you want, if you take the time to learn it. Also, make sure that this is the woman you want before you start to put all of this stuff into action. I know the last lady I thought I was in love with, now when I look back on it I'm GLAD it didn't work out between us. So you need to make sure she is the woman you want.

 

Your never going to get all of the answers by coming to a message board, its like your asking for a quick fix....it ain't gonna happen. You have to put in the work by studying and learning for those persons who have been through it and have studied the art of dating and seduction (read books).

 

I hope my post will help to send you on your way to a better relationship with the one you want to be with, or a new one if things don't work out. Like I said learn the rules of the dating game and you can avoid the problems that you've encountered in this relationship. Don't try to fix things yourself, listen to what I'm saying and buy some books to help you out. Be the prince of pleasure in her life and you will keep her. Don't be the prince of clingyness, neediness, etc. etc. Treat her like a cat, let her come and rub up against you...get her pleasure from you and then let her disappear. Don't start talking about tieing her down like you would tie a dog. Let her know that she has the freedom to go wherever. Then find a way to subtlely plant in her mind that there are some other cats in the neighborhood who also like to have their necks rubbed, and their trying to get inside your house also. You can do this by having lots of female friends and they'll do the work for you. Woman like drama, so don't deny them this. Sound like game playing? It is, because in the end its all a game, you just have to learn how to play it.

 

 

Mistacat

[lipton]

thanks again, everybody, for your comments.

 

Current status is that we have several plans over the next weeks together. We have a overnight trip to seattle (3 hours from here), a valentine's day date, and then a 3 day trip to the beach together. She just wrote me an email yesterday saying that she is really looking forward to these times. Also she wrote me another note saying she also really likes just a nice dinner and video together, comfortable.

 

These things give me a lot of hope, considering where we had been. Still, I think she is going to see someone else in the next few days, she is very communicative to me, telling me seemingly everything, so that when there is a timeframe not covered, I get suspicious.

 

Still, I want to continue on with her, and especially with Valentine's day coming. We have dinner reservations together at a very nice restaurant in town. I am wanting to buy her a gift or two as well. One thing that I think she would really like is a spa package, for her, and maybe for a girlfriend to go along. (I don't have much of an issue with spending money). I would also like to get her a necklace, something not too expensive, ($150-200), that maybe has a heart shape with some little diamonds. Women, any thoughts?

[happythoughts]

I think your gifts sound beautiful - every girl would love a spa package!

 

Just don't overdo it - a nice necklace and spa package would be perfect.