1000s of miles

[Zimetra]

My boyfriend lives Thousands of miles away. After a difficult period in the beginning, we are able to trust each other now, so that's not the issue. I have never felt like this about anybody, and it seems he feels the same. We are almost a perfect match - except for that small detail, the ocean stretching between us...

 

We get to see each other appr. once every 2 months, and we communicate every day. Sometimes I'm alright with the situation, appreciating the anticipation it creates, but sometimes I just curse my destiny. How long can we continue like this, and where will it lead?

 

Has anyone here experienced a similar situation?

 

Zimetra

[GettingOverIt]

If I can ask... What keeps you apart? What keeps him from being with you or vice versa? If it truly your destiny, then you will find that life will make a way for things to come together!

[Zimetra]

Circumstances... He doesn't speak the language of my home country. And I feel bad about leaving all my friends and the place I call home behind ... I have a good job and a good life, the only thing that's missing is him. What if I give it all up for him and then it doesn't work out? What if I will be happy with him but unhappy with everything else?

[RayKay]

Circumstances... He doesn't speak the language of my home country. And I feel bad about leaving all my friends and the place I call home behind ... I have a good job and a good life, the only thing that's missing is him. What if I give it all up for him and then it doesn't work out? What if I will be happy with him but unhappy with everything else?

 

But then how is that ever going to change, do you know what I mean? I think LDR's CAN work as I have done them....BUT only when there is a plan to come together again in ONE place. Infinitely lasting LDR's do NOT work. Why? Because we fall and stay in love with those we can truly share life with...and I don't mean telling them about our days via email/phone! You can never truly develop that bond from a distance...we fall and stay in love with those who are close to us and sharing our experiences.

 

I know couples whom met, and one of them did move to a country where they did not know language..they enrolled in classes and learned! And yes, by you moving would be risks involved, same with him...which is why you need to be sure...thinking it will be doomed will lead to it falling to doom!

 

You two need to decide how serious this is, where you want it to go. If neither of you can ever see moving, I advise not being too serious about the relationship as it will hurt later, and is likely not to work...as I said, what is the point in an infinite LDR?

[GettingOverIt]

What if I give it all up for him and then it doesn't work out? What if I will be happy with him but unhappy with everything else?

 

And, what if you do 'give it all up' for him and it DOES work out!?

 

I agree with RayKay here... You two need to have aserious talk about where you want things to eventually go.... There is no way you can LDR forever.... Okay, maybe not NO way, but realistically??? Uh uh...

[Zimetra]

I made a few attempts to talk about it with him. Every time he would say things like "Don't worry, I know somehow we'll always be together" or "But I want to stay with you, how can you doubt my feelings just because of the circumstances?". And then changed the subject.

 

You're right - I need to confront him, not on the phone or by email, but the next time we meet face to face. I think he's avoiding the subject because he can't see a solution or is hoping I'd give in and take the first step.

[lisica]

I am in a similar situation - in a LDR for over a year now, we see each other about every 2 months. I started taking language classes to learn his native language so I will be able to talk with his family without him having to translate constantly. Sometimes it is so difficult - I am not talking about the language course now, but about the LDR Home isn't anymore where home used to be. Home is when I am with him.

 

So I understand your situation. But tell me, would you rather have him giving up everything and joining you? What if it did not work out, how would that make you feel?

[Zimetra]

Hm, it would definitely be me who'd join him. My advantage is, I already speak his language.

 

Home is when I am with him.

 

Beautifully said. This is exactly how I feel.

[lisica]

I also recognize the tendency to postpone important conversations to the next time you meet IRL. But from the little experience I got so far, I learned that is not always the best way. When you do get to see each other, time flies by so quickly, and you forget to bring the issue into the conversation. Or you even "forget it on purpose" because you do not want to spoil your precious moments together. Furthermore, since you are in a LDR, communication is crucial, and I feel you should make it work even from a distance. But talking on the phone about difficult issues is not the same as talking when you are in each others arms - not by far, because you do not see each others expression, you can not smile or hug the other person to make him feel everything is alright. So my solution when I have some difficult feeling or topic to talk about, is write him an e-mail about it, and ask him to reply.

[Zimetra]

We usually discuss a lot of things by email. But when I bring up this subject, he will evade it.

 

I'll think over it and decide wheter I should give it another try by email or wait until we see each other again.

[lisica]

Could it be that he is not yet ready yet to make such a commitment? Have you suggested before that you could go and live with him, and how did he react? Maybe you can also try saying: "things are fine as they are and let's wait and see how things develop" and watch his reaction. If he says: "exactly, that is also how I feel", you will know where you stand.

[Zimetra]

I think he wants me to live with him, yet is afraid to say so because it could make him vulnerable. At the beginning of our relationship, I once mentioned that I could never live in his country, which might have been too strong of a statement (never say never...). Did I scare him off?

[lisica]

How long have you been together?

 

Have you tried asking him about his ideas about the future? Like "where do you see yourself in 10 years from now"?

[Zimetra]

We were together for about 6 months several years ago, then decided a LDR was not what we wanted. But we never lost touch and were unable to forget each other, so we met again last October, and since then we are together again.

 

I wrote him an email last night. He immediately called me and we finally talked about our future perspectives. It was a very honest and trustful conversation, we talked about possible concepts for our relationship and their advantages and disadvantages. Although we have not come to a conclusion yet, I am glad we talked about it and he had a chance to express his commitment. I still don't know what the future holds for us, but I feel much more secure now, and we are not afraid to talk about this subject any more.

[justtwicethen]

Hi Zimtera,

 

I have been in an almost identical relationship like yours. As a result I know a lot of the dynamics and feelings that comprise such a relationship. if you wish to PM me, please feel free.

 

Sadly mine didn't work out there are perhaps things, advice I would like to depart with, to you, that may make yours work?