Help! My jealousy is ruining my relationship!

[grneyz0724]

I have been with my boyfriend for 11 months now, he is a good man, different from any other I have been with. The problem is that due to my past relationships, I am jealous of all his friends that are girls. In all of my past serious relationships, I have been cheated on. My boyfriend has been very understanding, but recently after an ex of his drunk called him and I (of course) got mad and started an argument, he told me he is tired of it. I either need to accept that he has friends that are girls, that they are just friends and he is not interested in them any futher, and if I can't accept it, I need to leave him. I just don't know how to get over this jealousy thing. Any ideas and/or insight would be great!

[PrincessLinzay]

I understand exactly where you're coming from. It's hard to disassociate your past and present boyfriends when you've gotten burned.

 

The first important thing to know is that your new boyfriend is not him. Is the new bf a good guy? Does he deserve to be punished for another mans indiscretions? Has he given you any reason to not trust him? Is he secretive? Have you met his female friends?

 

You really have to make an effort at it. Bite your tongue even when it feels like if you do, it will fall off. You have to know that you're good enough for someone to be with, and be faithful to. You have to have self-confidence and not go into things with all the baggage of your past.

 

Cheating is no small matter, but really I don't think he's given you any reason at all to be insecure. He's reassured you that he's with you and that these women are friends, and that's all they ever will be. Trust in yourself, and trust in your boyfriend. You can't punish him for someone elses mistakes. I know it's difficult, but things will be so much better for it!

[ashik]

give most of wut u can to the relationship, but DONT depend on him, ur life shouldnt revolve around him, and it should go on without him.

 

k ask urself this, if he is the kind of person who will cheat on u, y would u wanna be with him?

So the best thing u can do is, go with the flow and if he cheats then all good, u knw how/who he actually is. If he doesent consider urself very lucky.

 

In relationships its always best to let the person be who he is, that way u actually knw if hes the person u wanna spend the best part of ur life with.

U cannot change anyone, that just wont happen.

[HajiMaji]

i cant tell you how happy i would have been if my ex girlfriend came here and posted exactly what you did. As much as i tried to help her with her jealousy issue, it was up to her and she couldnt deal with it. Just like you said your boyfriend is understanding of that, now its time you make it happen!

 

So already youve got the most important thing taken care of. You understand its an issue and you are going to start dealing with it. Already thats great.

 

I dont know too much about jealousy though so im not much help there. I read this book when i was dealing with issues similar though, called "If lifes a game then these are the rules" by cherie carter-scott. It really inspired me to each day take time specifically devoted to releasing my attachment issues.

 

In life i think you need a lot of dedication and a little wisdom. Create the dedication in yourself by honestly deciding you are not going to let your jealousy mess this relationship up and get a little wisdom on this subject from somewhere. Maybe here, maybe books, maybe from someone you know who went through this stuff. By the energy you give off i definitely think you can get past this. That will make both you and your boyfriend feel great!! Not only will you be less jealous, he will have a more relaxed girlfriend AND he it will be like a milestone. A time in your life that the two of you shared.. Growing is an awesome thing and thats what you gotta do.

 

So hopefully more people can input greater advice about dealing with these emotions, but im really happy you came here and posted this.. I swear, im jealous that my ex didnt have the care you do to actively try to fix the situation!!

[ForAnother]

You know what, i had the same issue. My GF was had so much fun flirting, that she made it a game for me to play. being the guy "I can't be jealous"... you know what I was... and it killed me. I tried to do the "There is nothing to be jealous about" But then it started makin me feel like she had the better ability to cheat on me if I denied it every time. I never knew when the balance the issue. It broke me down and I was unsuccessful in keepin the relationship. I think tthat once it starts happening, you become something you are not, and you are decieving the person you are with. I think that the only way to get rid of it, is to work on your own, alone, and promise the next relationship you will have more open eyes.

 

I feel like you are in a hole with this guy that you can't dig yourself out... I find it impossible

 

ForANother

[cleverme123]

Has there been a reason not to trust him? I understand this as mine has this little issue to, but covers up the fact he talks and what not with them.

[grneyz0724]

No, he has never given me reason to not trust him. I know he is a good guy, I do. I can sit and tell myself this and think I'll be ok, but then something comes up and the first thing I do is get upset...it is my first reaction.

[fly8405]

This is great advice. Good job!

[fly8405]

No, he has never given me reason to not trust him. I know he is a good guy, I do. I can sit and tell myself this and think I'll be ok, but then something comes up and the first thing I do is get upset...it is my first reaction.

 

Look. Never try to control things you can't control in the first place. I think it is human nature to try to control things in your life. You need to step back and realize that you can't control what he does or the relationship for that matter. Do your part and you will be fine. If you make it hard for him he will not be happy. Remember you need to let him be in order to see if you, and him, want to be with each other.

 

Don't listen to anyone that is telling you that it won't work. It can and it will you just have to try. Get involved with something and try not to think about it.

 

There are exceptions, but remember this are EXCEPTIONS. Exceptions can be like him sleeping over at a girls house etc.

 

You can fix it, let him be free.

[tiger_lilies]

Maybe you should just meet with his female friends so that you can get to know them yourself? If he hides them from you then of course that would cause suspisions.