Mad and confused. Long, but help if you don't mind?...

[Megs49]

Hey all,

 

I guess I just want some advice with a situation with one of my best girlfriends.

 

Cadi* and I have been best friends since we were 8 years old; we're 29 now. She has three young children all under the age of 8. They are my god-children. The youngest is nearly 3. I don't get to see them alot anymore, though we live in the same city, because of some circumstances in her life right now--

 

1.) She, her 3 children and her boyfriend are living at her grandparent's tiny home. This means that they can't always have a lot of company over because her grandparents work a lot and need privacy/quiet time, etc.

2.) Her current boyfriend (who is her eldest daughter's biological father) has been VERY controlling since coming back into her life. He doesn't "let" her have friends over very often, despite this being her grandparent's house, and not his own. She's not "allowed" to come over to my house (she won't tell me why, honestly I don't think he's even explained to her why) and when he gets home from work, he wants her there with him so he doesn't have to be alone with the grandparents or the children. This leaves me able to see her MAYBE once a month, IF we're lucky. It sucks, but it's not my life, I guess...I'm genuinely worried about how he's begun to treat her and I know that this kind of control from a domestic partner can lead to abuse-- something he has a history of, though, in her words, "he's changed!"...

3.) She's the mother of three young children, so I understand that her life is hectic enough, even without a controlling boyfriend and small, over-crowded house. So, I just take what I can get, though I do miss her an awful lot sometimes.

 

About three days ago, she asked me to come over and see her and her youngest child, as the elder two were at school for the afternoon, her boyfriend was at work, as was her grandpa, and her grandmother was napping. I jumped at the chance to go to see her. I went and played with her daughter for awhile while she cleaned up the kitchen, then she sent the daughter to the basement to watch a movie so that we could have some adult conversation.

 

We talked for awhile about her boyfriend while we had coffee. This is when I found out just HOW controlling he is and she told me the reason I don't get invited to come over anymore-- when he gets home from work, her friends simply aren't allowed to come over. He'll throw a fit, and give her the silent treatment for days if any of her girlfriends come over any time he is at home. She can only see her friends when he's at work, though even sometimes when he IS at work, he'll call her and tell her she can't go see her friends or have anyone over, even if she promises to have them go home by the time he gets home from work... His reason? "I don't feel like you seeing your friends today." or "I just don't feel like having anyone at the house today!" When she asks him why she can't have anyone to visit in her own grandparent's house, he just tells her it stresses him out to know she has a friend over...while he's at work...what the hell?...

 

Anyhow...so, we're sitting there discussing things and I didn't know her daughter had come upstairs to grab a toy from the dining room, as my back was to the doorway. As she walked into the room behind me, I said something to the effect of "I love it, it's ing great." I was commenting on a show and let the F-bomb slip. I didn't really mean to, I had no clue she was behind me or even listening. Cadi goes "Oh, ssshhh!" then pointed behind me and only then did I realize that she was there-- though her daughter really didn't even seem to hear me. She was already leaving the room and was babbling to herself about her doll or something. We just giggled, I said sorry and we just continued on with conversation, with me being more vigilant about my word-choices...About an hour later, her boyfriend came home early, and we said "Hi" as he walked into the kitchen. He just stomped past us toward a bedroom and shut himself in there without even looking at us or saying hi...literally seconds later, she gets a text. From him. From the bedroom...it says "Had a bad day at work, get her out of here!" She looked at me, told me what it said and said "I'm sorry, you'd better leave...he gets..." I finished for her and said "I know." She showed me the door and I left. I was annoyed, as we were only mid-conversation and I'd only been over for maybe an hour or so, but I didn't want to cause a fight or anything, so I gave her a hug and left.

 

Today she calls me out of the blue and says "So, guess what happened at Hailey's* dad's last night?" (her two youngest have a different father than the boyfriend she has now.)

 

Me: "What?"

Cadi: "Well, she was playing with hot-wheels cars with her brother and step-brother and when one of them rammed thier car into hers and she goes 'Get the away from me!' "

Me: "Oh wow."

Cadi: "Yeah..."

Me: *I laugh a little* Well, that happens...

Cadi: "Well, when Seth* (her youngests' dad) told me, he asked where she might have picked that up from, and I was like "Weeeeellll..."

Me: "Yeah?"

Cadi: "....I think it's from the other day when you let that word slip..."

Me: "Oh! Wow, I kind of forgot about that...sorry about that."

Cadi: " Yeah, she's never said that before. And nobody else has ever used that word in front of her, before..."

Me: "Oh, okay..." (This is me trying to find a point, and also-- yes she has. And yes they have. I've heard them ALL accidentally let the F-bomb slip in front of her. All three of them have repeated bad words-- not often, but it's happened before. I've witnessed it, so has she. But, again, I didn't want to start some kind of argument.)

Cadi: (repeats herself) "Yeah, I think it's when she heard you say it..."

 

...so, it was like she was waiting for me to...I don't know...cry? Wail my regret to the heavens? Beg? I'd already said apologized, the first time when it happened and then second time, during that very conversation. So, I just went....

 

Me: "Whoopsie. Well, it's happened before, but I'm sorry. I'll try to censor myself better, as I usually do, but sometimes it slips."

Cadi: (Then she repeats, again) "Yeah, it's because of you."

Me: "Yeah...well, like I said, I apologize, I didn't know she could hear me."

Cadi: (She repeats) "Oh no, she heard you. She's a good listener. I'm pretty sure it's because of you." ....

 

THEN, she goes "Oh, I've gotta let you go-- I'm picking up Sam* (her boyfriend) at the doctor's office, and he doesn't like me talking on the phone with people when he's with me." So, end of phone conversation.

 

So, to get a few things straight...I feel like her only reason for calling me today was to...guilt me? Get a confession out of me? I don't know, I owned up to it, apologized, and we'd even both laughed it off when it happened, I thought it was all good...But, from her tone of voice, juse the way she sounded, it was like she was saying "Yeah, this happened because of you. I'm peeved now. Please, feel badly." Which is weird for her, because that's just now how she normally is. She's good at brushing things off that are no big deal, and usually doesn't give a damn about anything her ex says or cares about. She's never been very up-tight. Hell, I've seen her let curse words slip in front of her kids, we always just said "Oops!" and then giggle it off and remind ourselves not to do it again. But this time, despite her laughing it off at the time, she calls 3 days later and basically just needs to tell me that her kid cussed and she thinks it's because of me. It was like she was beating a very dead horse.

 

Also, both she, her boyfriend and ESPECIALLY her ex, cuss in front of them. I've heard it. So, what's with her trying to act like they've never said that in front of her? I've witnessed it.

 

Well, I get on Facebook later and she's on. She gets on and (bringing it up again) " Yeah, I can't believe Hailey said that. I think she heard you."

 

Sigh...so, I responded with something I'd kind of just thought of before getting on Facebook: Hailey isn't even three yet. She's not very articluate yet, and most of what she IS able to say is her parroting back sentances that she's already heard, even when she doesn't know what they mean. They're just words to her, she doesn't even know what she's saying half the time...So, what I'd very specifically said when I let it slip, was-- quoting mysel "Oh yeah, it's ing great!" But what Hailey said while playing three days later was "Get the away from me!" ....Now, having spent lots of time around this little girl and being in the childcare/teaching line of work, I know kids and how the think/speak/process stuff pretty well...If I said "It's ing great" and SHE said "Get the away from me", that's a different thing-- so supposedly, this 3 year old girl who mimics sentances back as her primary form of communication was able to take an exclaimation like "It's ing great" and turn it into "Get the AWAY FROM ME"?... By saying that, she literally changed the meaning and context in which I used the word to use it herself. She took the word "ing" in one context and reconfigured it, correctly, into another form of the word and used it appropraitely to fit her different meaning and use?

 

But how did she do that when she's just barely turned 3 and supposedly, and I quote, "Nobody's ever said that in front of her before!" ....

 

...Really? Because I think that a just-turned-3-year-old would have to have heard that whole sentance before to have used it that way. If you've NEVER heard the word or ing before, and therefore have NO idea what it means, then how do you take the verb form of the word and use it in a different form, in a meaning that you've NEVER heard anyone use it for? Does that make sense? Do you guys get where I'm coming from? I hope I explained that the way I meant to...

 

Anyways, I told her all this. I mean, in much nicer, less sarcastic wording, but that's what I proposed to her, in a nutshell. Told her that I feel that she'd have had to heard it used that way for her to use it the way she did. At first she goes..."Oh! I didn't even think about that!...Yeah, maybe you're right, I don't know how she would have known how to use that word differently than the way you used it, if she hadn't heard it before..."

 

I think she's seeing reason, and I go "Yeah, so I remember you saying that Sam and Seth both have swore in front of her or when they think she's out of ear-shot...I just feel like it wasn't completely fair to blame me and *only* me, when it sounds like she's heard it in other terms before..."

 

Then, she goes "Yeah, but then again, she is a genius. So is her brother. The other day her brother (who is 6) came home from school and used the word "stationary" properly and he's NEVER heard that spoken before. He just thought it up all by himself!" ............Um........so, he's in school all day and came home and used a new word that you've supposedly never said in front of him properly, and you don't figure he learned the word "stationary" in school? A teacher? A book? Vocab? Tv. or movie? In passing from someone? Yourself and you just don't remember? You keep a catalogue of all the words in the English language that you've spoken within earshot of your child the last 6 years? You really think your son has a psychic link to new words that he can just pull out of the world's collective consciousness at random without having heard them? Or that he's just such a-- in her words-- "genius" that he makes up already commonly used words in our language and fits them to proper use? Come on...

 

Now, I didn't SAY any of this to her. I'm thinking it, because I'm annoyed and feel a little bullied by now, but I don't want to start a fight or upset her, so I just go..."Lol, yeah maybe..." I just didn't know what to say to that. Then she just repeats "Oh yeah! Hailey and Jason are both geniuses, like literally! They use new words all the time that are real words without ever having to hear them anywhere! They're just smart, and I think they're just more highly developed than most kids."

 

I won't even go into the worn-out old cliche that EVERY parent thinks THEIR child is a special, genius future-president-nobel prize winner-famous person...Smh...and she was serious. Really, this wasn't her being glib or funny...she means it. You'd just have to know her to know that she means it. I love her to death, but sometimes I swear...

 

Anyways, I guess I just want advice on:

 

1.) Am I right not to like how her boyfriend is treating her? Am I right not to trust him? I really just have a sinking feeling in my gut about the way he's treating her. Let it be known that about 8 years ago, she left him and moved halfway accross the country to get away from him because he HIT HER! While pregnant! Yet, he's supposedly changed...

 

2.) Am I right to feel kind of attacked here? I realize that you should do your best to censor yourself in front of children. I do my best, but like I said to Cadi, I'm not perect. I do my best to show her rules as a parent total respect, but I slipped up... I've never slipped up before in front of her kids, but I accidentaly did this time because I'm human and I didn't know she was behind me. I feel kind of annoyed and a bit bullied-- like she wanted to call me just to tell me "Hey-- this is what happened and it's your fault. Yeah...it's your fault. It's totally because of you. And just for the record...it's your fault. Just so you don't forget when I said it the last ten times!" ...This is the first time in like five years I've been hurt, annoyed and angry at her. i'm not the only one who let slip a cussword in front of that child, and I apologized already, what else does she want? She's carrying it way too far and doesn't seem to want to drop it.

 

3.) I'm wondering if she's being hyper-vigilant and weird about it because she's stressed? This isn't like her, at all. I mean, I know she's stressed about the way Sam is treating her. She doesn't like being told she can't have friends over at her own grandparent's home (the home she grew up in) and certainly doesn't like being told she can't even go out to see people during the day when he's at work...she knows it's ridiculous, yet made excuses for him when she basically shooed me out the door when he came home and told her to "get rid of me". She's not normally the type of person to blame me-- or anyone-- for a simple mistake or something that everyone does. She's usually good at letting stuff go, but this time...I don't know. She's acting weird. And I feel like at least some of it is her boyfriend. Do I say somethign to her about it? Do I tell her what I think of how he's treating her, or do I mind my own business?

 

I'm just very annoyed and she called a second time today before I wrote this, but I didn't answer because I'm afraid I'll snap at her. Especially if she brings it up again. Advice? Perspectives? View-points? Anything would be good. Thanks for reading this.

[BigKK]

to answer question #1

 

Do you really need to ask?

 

 

Your friend is in an abusive controlling relationship, so obviously she's not the HAPPIEST camper that's ever roamed the land. My goodness, I haven't seen such a long expose about cursing in front of children! Yes, I think she tried to pin it on you...since the correlation is you dropped the F-Bomb the kid says it, wam-bam you're to blame now. Obviously...not really, but your friend is not content...so usually unhappy people tend to spit some venom.

 

 

There is nothing you can obviously do about your friend and her controlling ex, but I'd say this is your friend at least for now, if not for a long time. I know some might disagree with me, but I'd be captain obvious and tell my close friend that their boyfriend sucks. Although it sounds like she is doing it herself. I am not sure if she can survive financially without him? Otherwise not sure why she's sticking around.

 

 

It's tough, knowing your friend has a better side. I'd just give her some space so you can cool off. Let this whole cursing thing blow over. Maybe her kids ARE geniuses, but she just sounds like a wacky, manipulated, unhappy, sad lady at the time being.

[Megs49]

BigKK,

 

Thank you for replying... I guess I do kind of feel the need to ask because when I asked a mutual friend, she goes "Oh you're just blowing it out of proportion-- he's not THAT bad." But she hasn't been around to see this, and Cadi hasn't told her the things she's told me.

 

I do think some of it's financial. I guess, to me, though...I just don't feel like being miserable is worth not being able to see your friends and putting up with that. Also, I'm just SO afraid that it's going to escalate again, the way it did years ago, and he'll hit her again. "Oh, but he's changed!" I've heard that before.

 

I guess you're right. Maybe she is just so stressed out that she's looking for someone to blame...I'm just kind of shocked, I guess. In all the years that I've known her...If he's got her so depressed and down that she's going to act like that, something is dreadfully wrong.

 

And me too when it comes to the cuss-word. And yeah, just for reference, since I forgot that Enotalone blanks out cuss words, it was the F-bomb. I've just never had a friend make such a big...well, expose, like you said, about accidentally letting slip a curse-word near a child. Especially since it was clear I didn't even know she was in there. She's always been the type to just let stuff go or laugh it off. It was shocking to have her of all people call me JUST to bring it up. That is *so* not her. Haha, And I'll give it to her that her kids are smart-- I'm around them a lot. They're just normal kids. I know Hailey and how she is...she's a well-behaved little girl, love her so much, but neither of them are a prodigy. They'r really just normal. I know that Hailey has to hear something before repeating it, I'm used to this little girl and know how she communicates... I guess I just felt like she was using the genius thing to make it my fault again-- "Hm, well *maybe* it could be that she picked it up somewhere...but I doubt it. My kids are genius'. Like, very special. They used a certain word one time, I just know they'll grow up to be famous for their intellect alone, so it's YOUR fault because their genius brains just absorb everything, you have to be SO careful!".....

 

Ugh. Can you tell this situation got to me? I really do need to cool off.