Nerves, failure and other stuff

[bastas]

Hi guys and girls,

 

I'm having a bit of a problem, which I developed over the years I think. I just graduated a few months ago. The job offer

for my degree is very limited. During college, my motivation for this degree started to shrink. Why? I don't really know, due to circumstances and over all it just wasn't what I thought it would be.

 

During graduation I was dumped after a long term relationship. I did not see it coming at all. All the plans we made went down the drain. I had to move back to my parents house (which is very hard, my mom doesn't have a lot of empathy. She just doesn't understand what I'm going trough and is making the whole situation worse; For both the job search and being dumped, I really can't talk to her. It Always ends up in a fight and me feeling miserable. So I just stopped talking about it) I don't have a lot of friends, again due to circumstances, and the people I know don't live here. I'm having a real hard time letting go. My ex gave me a lot of mixed signals, and still reaches out from time to time in vague ways. Even though I asked her not to and deleted her (social media etc).

 

The problem is, I don't feel capable of doing the job. I'm trying to find a job, I react on job offers etc. But it makes me so nervous the prospect of working. really, really nervous, that it makes me cry and blocks me completely. It's like a little panick attack. And I didn't even start to work yet. Every time I apply for a job, I do my best, but actually I"m hoping that I don't get it, because I'm so insecure about it and the thought totally freezes me. And I know it seems ridiculous and it IS ridiculous but I can't seem to shake the nerves or suck it up. Plus the fact I'm still very emotional over the Break up...well it just makes life really hard for me at the moment. After the break up I went to therapy, because I had a bit of a break down. I told my counselor about the fact that I'm Always so nervous but she didn't really think it was a problem. On that area, counseling didn't help.

 

So to sum it up, I still feel like after the break up (my confidence and happiness is really low), my situation at home isn't the way it should be+ the fact the only way to move forward makes me really anxious. Does anybody have any tips to shake these nerves or anxiety ?

 

I know it sounds like I'm just being a and that I should get a grip, but I'm really trying

 

Any help is appreciated, thank you

[bulletproof]

Without knowing what the degree is in, it's kind of hard to say what your options are. There may be jobs related to what you studied that don't provoke as much anxiety for you.

 

I think that perhaps you should just focus on getting any job that will allow you to move out of your parents' house and meet some friends. It doesn't have to be what you majored in, just a way to make money for now and get your mind off the breakup.

[bastas]

Thank you for your reply bulletproof. I graduated as a vet. I would like to try it. I don't want to regret it after a few years, if I leave it for a few years, I'm worried I won't be able to start cos the offer is so low. My insecurities are getting in my way. The thing is, I think if I did something else. It will also give me a lot of stress. I get a lot of nerves for every new situation/new people, even if I know it's stupid or nothing depends on it

[bulletproof]

Well, I don't know a lot about veterinary practices, but did you intern anywhere or do clinicals? Have you had any experience at all with actual practice?

 

It sounds like, as you said, the real issue isn't the job, but the fact that you get anxiety over new situations and new people. There's therapy and meds for that. I don't think you can say "counseling" wasn't helpful- it's more like that particular counselor wasn't helpful. If I were you, I'd look into finding a new one. It could be that you didn't convey the information accurately, or she wasn't listening, but to come to the conclusion that your anxiety isn't an issue doesn't seem right.

 

What you're describing is fixable. You have to be willing to try, though.

[bastas]

Dear bulletproof,

 

We do get some actual practice during college, but it's really not that much at all (almost nothing). So you'll have to learn a lot by doing it. I do have this fear of failing (if I don't know something etc...) but that can happen in any job. I do have a lot of anxiety of meeting new people. I used to be pretty sociable (if I tell people of this anxiety, they are all pretty suprised), but I had some bad encounters which had a little too much of an impact on my self confidence I guess.

 

I didn't mean that counseling wasn't helpfull, this lady really pulled me through the bad days. But like you said, maybe it wasn't long enough for my other issues or the other things you mentioned.

I think you're right that finding a new counselor in time should be a good idea. I just thought by doing the things I fear, I will get used to it and the fear will reduce. But somethimes it's so bad, it really blocks me. I also know that it's not only this issue, the break up keeps nagging me. I'm just a little disappointed in myself that I'm not able to fix it myself or the fact that I'm not ''strong enough''.

 

I do want to thank you for your reply, sometimes speeking with somebody you don't really know can help

[bulletproof]

No problem, I hope you get through this. I'm sure you can. You really don't have to live this way.

[mylolita]

Hi Bastas,

 

I'm sorry to hear you're going through this.

 

I can completely relate to your situation. I have job hopped a lot (a ridiculous amount) and can say each new interview and each time I started a new place I would be a nervous wreck to the point where I would feel like I wanted to vomit on the mornings I had to get up to go to work. I guess anxiety can really affect your health and stomach that way, and I have always had a hard time with it.

 

I can definitely relate to your interview situation - I honestly used to even self sabotage interviews, and once, I got the job then never even turned up on the day I was supposed to start because I was so crippled by fear and panic.

 

The only way I got through those feelings (I still have them, they haven't really gone away although in time they've subsided slightly), is just forcing yourself to do it.

 

Try to take baby steps and by time you've gone a little way, you'll be half there. For example, I'd just get up on the morning and make sure I had plenty of time to either get ready for an interview or to go to work. I'd focus on JUST getting ready and try and clear my mind of any worrying thoughts that were shooting through my head. Then I'd think the next step is driving there, so I'd simply focus on travelling there. Then I'd focus on just getting through the door. And after forcing myself to do each step, I would eventually find myself either in the interview or at work.

 

Your first day on the job is always nerve wrecking - everyone feels the same way, it's just some people are more confident than others or they hide it better. You're not weak for feeling vulnerable, anxious or nervous.

 

I'm sure you will find yourself a job in your field soon. Try not to worry about what isn't in the present yet and just focus on looking for positions. Remember that once you have all the meet and greet of new colleagues out of the way (and the majority of people are usually nice, so try not to think the worst), you'll be fine. No one expects anyone new on the job to know everything, even if you're fully qualified in your field, there will be someone to answer questions and guide you / teach you all the processes and what is expected.

 

Also, try to remember that everyone makes mistakes, from the top of the tree to the bottom. No ones perfect, and no one expects you to be. Try to take it easy and realise - you can do this!

 

Good luck!

 

Lo x