Life torn apart

[Marty]

My life has just been torn apart. My girlfriend of 5 years broke up with me last night. We have had a hard year. I had to take a job that has me working away from home 4 weeks out of 6. So it's not easy but the time apart seems to have taken us both in different directions. It made me really appreciate the time I get to spend with her and showed me how happy I am even just sitting watching tv with her. Whereas it's brought her to believe that we are not a proper couple. She said it just doesn't feel the same any more. We had this discussion a month a go and decided we were going to try and fix things when I got back as I was just about to leave for a month. I came back a few days ago and she has changed her mind. She doesn't want to try. But she wants to stay really good friends. I know most people say never to do this but she has had a really hard time recently. She's had so much to deal with and I know she really needs a friend right now so I don't have what it takes to say no. Part of me is hoping that when she is in a better place in her own mind we can try a again but will this ever happen? I know 100% that she is the one for me. It's her or no one. I just don't know what to do

[SooSad33]

Break ups can take a terrible toll on us. Emotionally & mentally.

If she has chosen the outs, then there's not a lot you can do but work on accepting it.

 

It is suggested you do NOT try to remain a 'friend'. Not until these feelings are gone. Otherwise it can keep you very emotional, confused and more.

 

It takes time to 'accept' the facts and you WILL go thru stages of 'loss'. Like denial, heartache, sadness, anger etc.. until you can 'accept'. it takes months.. or longer.

 

Just remember, you have to take care of YOU here. If she has 'chosen' to walk away, no choice but to accept it.

No matter how hard this is.

 

It's her or no one, you say. Yes, that's what you say now. If you two are still apart in 6 months, you're mind may think differently.

But, yes, at this time, you are thinking this. It's a fresh break up. Your heart & mind are nowhere near acceptance.

 

Take it all one day at a time. There's really nothing you can do. It was her choice.. let her go. Let her decide, if over time, she does want you in her life again.

Meanwhile, do NOT chase or beg, that only pushes them further away.

[Marty]

Thankyou for your advice. I have no intention of chasing or begging but it just doesn't feel like it's over for good. She has been going through a lot the past couple years and I get the feeling she is trying to figure out how to be happy again. I can't help but hold on to the hope that once she figures it out we can try again.

[AutumnBorn]

Marty, sorry you're going through this.

 

If it feels right for you to remain available to her, it's the right thing to do. There's no "right" way to get through a breakup. I suggest, however, that you not be available every time she attempts to make contact.

 

Do you know about Al Turtle's website? It's amazing! Here's the link to where you should start reading (but read the entire site): link removed

 

There's also a book called Uncoupling: Turning Points in Intimate Relationships that I also think is invaluable in coping. Not a soft, fluffy, "relationship" book - it's a sociology book and tough read. But it's great. Empowering.

 

My other bit of advice is when in doubt do nothing. By not doing or saying anything, you risk nothing. You never say the wrong thing, you never do the wrong thing, you just let things settle until the right response becomes clear.

 

I wish you luck!

[Marty]

Thanks autumnBorn your advice is very helpful. I will have a look at that website at the moment I think I am going to do nothing. I need to give it time to get a bit clearer in my own mind. I don't intend to be available for every little thing. I'm about to disappear off for another 4 weeks anyway but for me I definitely think I need to stay open to the possibilities while at home. It just feels right