Reality bites

[corvidae]

Does this (the following) ever happen to you? You know how you come on these boards and have a moan about how you can't ever seem to get a girl/guy, and people come back with comments like 'you just need to go for it' and 'just go up to people and introduce yourself' and you think 'Yes! that's the answer! JUST DO IT.' So there you are, sitting there, comfortably at your computer having resolved to burst out of your shell and become a dating machine. You imagine yourself approaching 'a girl' and saying something witty or interesting and you're 'just doing it.' It works very well as an abstract concept doesn't it? But then you actually go out, to a pub/bar let's say, and suddenly the abstract takes form. You're in a bar with a floor and tables, and other people, and you can feel your heart and your feet and you're conscious of everything. You look around still determined to 'just go for it' but your generic, abstract girl isn't there...there are just lots of actual real women with actual real faces and actual real (and unpredictable) personalities who in reality look quite daunting and you have no idea how they're going to react to some random stranger approaching them. Maybe they've had a bad day! Maybe they're insane! Who knows! And people are watching you!! In your abstract notion of 'just doing it' you were in an undefined void where the only two people were you and the object of your affections...this isn't fair! So what do you do? The same thing you always do. You stay right where you are and don't make a move on anyone. It's so easy isn't it? To make a resolution to do something. But when it comes down to reality it all falls apart.

[asmodai]

Well I couldn't agree more.

 

A couple of days ago I was in a store having to wait for something, no-one else in the room, so started chatting to the chick behind the counter, whom I thought was quite cute. Seemed real nice, no ring, no jewellery- so thought if she has a b/f he's a tightarse (obviously i was just jumping to conclusions here.. ).

 

Was going to ask her out- literally the next sentence to come out of my mouth was going to be "Hi, i'm (introduce myself) by the way. This might be a bit unusual but would you like to have dinner sometime?"

And then one of her coworkers walked into the room, and my mouth stayed shut. I could have kept going but I used that simple thing as an excuse to call the whole thing off

 

I think the emphasis must be placed on making an effort if opportunity DOES come your way. Like in my situation I just described i should have taken the 'just go for it' plan and actually GONE for it, but I didn't.

 

It's good advice that can be applied to anyone- the world needs more genuine people IMO. BUT everyones limits are different, heck its normal to feel nervous in these situations, but I do think its important to push yourself.

 

Like in nature, the process of evolution is brought about through mutations- ie: change. If we want to 'evolve' into a brighter, more outgoing, more open and friendly person then we have to be pepared to uproot ourselves from the comfort zone and do something that we wouldn't normally do, ie: instead of taking the 'easy' way out by not asking that girl, just get in there and have a go as even if she slaps you in the face (extreme example!), its still experience that you wouldn't normally have and you can learn how to do it better next time, and feel more comfortable doing so.

 

Its damn frustrating when theory never works out in reality, and I'm sure everyone has been there at some point, or even their whole life. But like i said its just about pushing yourself that extra little bit, going that extra mile to get what you really want.

 

Just my thoughts..

[Ceema-k]

Guys, guys.... been there. STILL there. 8)

 

Yes, that sudden burst of motivation to change feel great and makes you get off your ass. Yet, once you're in a public space with dozens of women around who are expecting to be picked up, what happens? Feet suddenly turn to lead. Mind suddenly goes completely blank.

 

I am ALL for learning how to approach women, regardless of the situation. But I think we guys put too much pressure on ourselves, jumping into the deep end before first playing where the water's shallower.

 

I've come to grips with the fact that I still do not have the guts to approach women in clubs and bars. To my credit, I have done it a few times before with no success. The strange thing is, I know that being turned down is no big deal.. in fact I feel a lot better than standing around doing nothing... yet I still am quite averse to doing it more often.

 

So now I've turned to taking baby steps. Talking to people more in public, engaging strangers, cashiers, barristas, whoever in casual conversation and light banter. If you're set on being able to approach women cold in bars and clubs, then by all means, keep working at it. But I think we can all expand our options (plus put less pressure on ourselves in one particular instant) but simply being more social creatures and improving our comfort with intereacting with anyone, ANYWHERE.

[SkyFire]

That is why you stop dreaming, and make things happen. If you don't, you shall never find happiness.

 

This does not only apply to girls.

[arrowbee]

I remember two particular things that both happened to me in June 2003, the month of my senior prom:

 

#1. An aluminum ladder fell off the neighbor's roof and onto my head. I bled profusely but did not end up requiring stitches.

#2. The first and only time I was ever able to ask a girl out without using the computer. (She said "I'm not sure".)

 

Looking back, #2 was much more painful than #1. I would rather be bombarded with falling aluminum ladders than have to ask out any more women.

 

If by some act of God I ever end up getting married, all the shy guys on this site are invited to the reception for free cake and beer.

[Doctor Smurf]

Well, remember:

 

Nothing venture, nothing gained, and

 

Life is not a dress rehearsel.

 

If you see a really fit girl who you won't see again if you dont say anything, then its gotta be worth it?

[ShySoul]

I know the feeling. You want to say something but the words just won't come out and you are completely frozen. "Just do it" is good in theory but doesn't usually pan out in practice. That's why I think the plan needs to be revised. Don't worry about approaching girls. If that's your goal you'll end up falling back on your usual tendencies. Instead work on being more talkative in the situations you are placed in. If you have to work in a group for school or work, speak up more and voice your opinions and ideas. Around people you know speak out and open up. That way you don't have the awkwardness of talking to a stranger. But also learn to recognize and take advantage of opportunites presented to you. If you are talking to a girl and its going good, don't be afraid to compliment her or ask her for coffee. Approaching strangers at bars or clubs is nervewracking. But when it's someone you know and are comfortable with, that can make things easier.