My girlfriend thinks she may be gay

[Ecko809]

Hey,

 

Ive been in a commited relationship with the same woman for 3 years now. Christmas day we got into a fight and she asked for some space, which I gave her. We decided last night that we should see other people and she throws in that the new bar she goes to, is indeed a gay bar. Mind you, all of her new friends are gay (she works with them), shes never been with a woman, weve had amazing sex since we met (she agrees) and shes never really given off any signs that she might be gay. She said she might be but has never been with another woman to know for sure. What do I do? I need some unbiased advice! Im heartbroken yet very angry at the same time and i find myself falling into depression. Please help!

[Beec]

Well, the first thing you do is give her some space. The second thing you do is try, as much as you can, to act like it does not bother you that much in her presense and to act like you know she will come back to you and figure out she is not gay, because she just can't get it from anyone else like you give it to her. You won't be able to pull it off, but try. Don't go throwing yourself at her or throwing any tantrums.

 

And think about what you want.

[Ecko809]

Well, we were going to paris in march togehter, and I was going to propose to her while we were there. I know I love her, unconditionally, she means the world to me. But like all relationships, we had our bumps in the road. She just started hanging out with a new group of people who just so happen to all be lesbians. I dont imagine that Ill see her or make the initial contact to her and let her come to me but I am unsure of a few things.

 

1) how should i feel about her thinking she could be gay?

 

2) if she is gay, were these last 3 years just a coverup? a joke?

 

3) can she just decide to be gay one day? I never saw this coming.

 

Thanks for the help, this is very hard for me to deal with.

[Beec]

I can see where it came from. She is the only person who has been straight among a group of lesbians. If she were open at all to the idea of sex with another woman, this is when the idea of acting on it is going to come up. We change an adapt to fit in with the people we surround ourselves with, alot, not always. Maybe, this is where it ocmes from.

 

I doubt that her relationship with you was a cover up. If she actually wanted you, physically and sexually, then it wasn't. But that does not mean she might not be bisexual.

 

How should you feel? I don't know. But the one thing I would feel is a little betrayed. Should you feel that way? Who knows, but you feel how you feel. I surely would not let her back in with me and in my bed, unless she had it figured out that was where she wanted to be.

[Ecko809]

thanks Beec,

 

Isnt that like trying to be gay just to fit in with her new friends? She has a very good relationship with my mother and theyre supposed to meet for lunch today to talk about this. I feel like I need to get on with my life, and find my own identity, but I cannot simply because I am still tied to her via my mothers and hers bond. In my heart I know that I want to spend the rest of my life with her, and I pray that she is just off track in life. I hope that she will find out that this is just a silly 'wanting to belong' phase that she is going through. I just feel so betrayed, and angry, yet my heart still aches. Emotionally, im chaotic right now, bouncing from all ends of the spectrum.

[Beec]

Well, you are really not fit to date anyone or just move on. And if she came back begging to be with you, you'd take her. it will take you a while to change these feelings. But, yes, I would begin to think about that now.

 

What happens if you don't? What happens if you do?

 

If she really is a lesbian, be happy you know now, instead of after you were married.

[chblueguy]

Unfortunately, some gay people enter into heterosexual relationships as a cover up for a number of reasons. Some people repress the feelings and try to ignore them, but almost always, they are unsucessfull in hiding their true selves. Some people give in to societal pressures and people like you end up getting hurt. I know you're hurting, but try to look at it from her point of view. It's probably really hard for her. Im sure she feels bad for using you (if that's the case). If you can, talk to her and let her know how you feel. Even if you're not amicable, at least she knows what you think.

[Ecko809]

Her friends dont believe shes gay, they think shes just going through a phase. Im not sure exactly why, but im sad for 20 minutes, furious for an hour, then i feel totally diffrent. She says she wasnt with another woman while we were together, is it natural for me to second guess that now? I dont want to hate her, but if she cheated, i would use that as a tool to help me move on faster. I know she loves me, weve been through so much together, but i feel empty inside.

[ReadyorNot]

So she asked for space because you guys had a fight... did you have fights regularily???

 

I think she just wanted space.. thats that... but since she was single and having out with lesbian friends maybe she got thinking.... just to try it... I think she just wants to try it once or twice and then she will be over it and want to be back with you...

 

Ive thought I would like to try it, and I can tell you if me and my bf broke up and I had lesbian friends I might think of trying it once...

 

Hope that helps.. it makes sense to me

[Ecko809]

it makes sense. Shes told me that she loves me and she needs to make sure this isnt more than a phase. She basically wants me to not go out and be a puppet until she knows what she wants. I reffuse to do that. I love this girl with everything I have, but I cant do that, I cant be a puppet who sits on the side as a fall back plan. I think it would be very hard for me to get back with her if she had sex with another woman. Its okay that I feel that way right?

[shorty4ever15]

Everbody else here has pretty much spread some good insight into different possibilities; however, what I want to talk about specifically is about when you said that she agreed to the "great sex" you two have had. I really doubt that she is a homosexual. I think that she meant what she said; consequently, she is not completely gay. More than likely, she is just doing some experimenting that she may have never got to do before. If that's the case, all's you can do is just be patient while she gains her confidence back. If you try to pressure her--you may lose her. Just give her a chance to "find herself." If she would happen to find out she's gay, then it was by no means a decision of her's. Sexual orientation is not just somebodies decision. We are who we are.

 

Now the hard part is if she comes to find out if she is bisexual. If she finds out she is bisexual. Then it becomes a decision of her's. I believe that you should only have have one lover even if they would be different sexes. So, she would have to decide who she would rather be with more.

 

I can only imagine how you feel right now. And, I know how much you don't want to hear the words "just wait," but unfortunately, that is you all you can and should do right now. Don't pressure her right now. Give her that "space" she wanted. I can't say that she will come back to you, but I really think there is a decent chance she will. Just try to support her right now and hopefully everything will work out.

 

I hope for the best.

 

~Shorty

[Ecko809]

thanks alot shorty

 

Thats what Im doing. I told her that I cannot wait forever and when she finds out who she truley is and what she really wants to let me know. I have no choice but to do my own thing. I still have to wake up in the morning, go to work, and make my living. I cant do that when I wallow in self pity, anger, and depression. I love this girl, I just hope by the time she finds out what she wants, it wont be too late.

[shorty4ever15]

That is a very good attitude to have right now. Try to avoid going into a state of depression. Try to keep occupied. Keep going. Have fun even. Just try to keep your mind off her for the time being and keep yourself going.

 

Again I hope everything works out.

 

~Shorty

[11flower]

Warning: Long post!

 

Two short stories:

 

I have books written by some people who pioneered a pretty effective counseling method. In this book, one of their sons tells his story of how he chose and overcame the homosexual temptation he felt.

 

He had been molested as a 5 yr old boy, orally raped by 5 teenage young men. Very traumatic. He never had told his parents. He began to feel strong feelings for guys and noticed this growing up as well as gender issues. He didn't want to be homosexual, is what it was. It was a conflict in him to which he never actually gave in to, though tempted to sometimes.

 

Anyway, he wanted to have a heterosexual life and is now married with 3 kids and councils other people in any walk of life and is a pretty happy man, from what I understand. He shares his story freely in this book to help others like him. But you see the difference was because he was raped as a child and he didn't *want* to be homosexual.

 

In the same book is another story about a woman who had a husband and family and who ended up counciling a lesbian young woman. She was councellor from the church where the young woman came to get some sort of help. Anyway, this councellor had such compassion on this girl and though she was warned to stop councelling her, didn't. The councellor eventually decided to have a sexual relationship with the girl and left her husband and family. Can you believe it? Anyway, what the lady said is although to her it was quite pleasurable, still the lesbian relationship left her feeling empty and unfulfilled, unlike when she was with her husband. The lady went back to her husband and family and reconstructed her life.

 

I've heard some lesbians say that they really truly believe it's the most natural thing for them to be this way, and wouldn't have it any other way.

 

Your girlfriend, like someone else said, may have reasons for her experimenting with what she wants to do sexually. But I agree that she probably is not a lesbian at heart, orientation.

 

If you could just be your girlfriend's best friend right now, giving her everything she needs from you including a listening ear, shoulder to cry on, whatever it is she needs as from the best possible friend she could have, she may come running back to you. This is what I think a woman also wants from a man in addition to great sex! And, this will certainly make sex greater for you both eventually... (And who can live without great sex?)

 

11Flower

[Ecko809]

Flower, would you happen to know the title and author of that book?

 

Thank you guys for all the support. I never thought that I'd get such reliefe from people Ive never met and I thank you all from the bottom of my heart. Ill frequent these forums often until my lifes problems are ironed out and even then Ill try to do what you guys are doing here, help people in need. Thanks again, its all helped me a great deal.

[SarCareBear]

yeah, she definitly just wants to do some experimenting and holding her back will do no good. she obviously trusts you and loves you enough to tell the truth and hope that you will love her anywya and understand where she's coming from, rather than hiding it behind your back and eventually making you both miserable. i'd say if/when she comes back to you, embrace her wiht open arms, i wouldn't let pride get in the way. She'll have been thruogh alot and will hopefully understand herself a little better, which would probably ultimately make your bonds stronger. and i know even what its like to try to grapple with homosexual feelings i think a lot of women especially have them at some time in their lives, good luck

[Ecko809]

Its a tough thing to go through, I realized that as I put the engagement ring and the plane tickets to Paris in a box in the top of my closet. This is going to effect the rest of my life and that freaks me out a bit. Im not used to feeling vulnerable, and as a man, Ill never admit thats how I feel right now . If the time comes and she comes back to me saying that shes not gay, or bi, I think Id have a really hard time trying to forgive and forget that. That would then open all these new doors of trust issues, but its something I would be willing to try as she has been my world for so long now.

[11flower]

Yes, here's the author and title, but I had to google it.

 

"Healing Victims of Sexual Abuse"by Paula Sandford (listed on link removed as "Paul Sandford")

This book gives love, acceptance and healing to the victims of sexual abuse- the abused, the abuser and their families. It is an invaluable tool for those who counsel and minister to lives fractured by sexual abuse."

 

BTW, this isn't to say that your girlfriend was sexually molested. But I want to suggest that there may be reasons she may not even be aware of as to why she is all of a sudden choosing this path to experiment with. You could think about asking her if she has any memory of being sexually abused, emotionally abused, verbally, or anything like this. All of these leaves wounds that make people go awry.

 

Another story is that some friends of my husband and mine, a couple who was actually in our wedding are divorcing because the wife has decided to leave him and their 4 kids and continue in the lesbian relationship she's carried on for about 8 months now. Not that this applies to everyone in this situation or even your girlfriend, but A. was severely emotionally abused as a child, but by her mother. Verbally and emotionally. So, now, she tells her husband that she is "doing this for (her)self." None of us knows the whole picture or why, all by her own choice. He's choosing to move on and continue raising their young kids and divorce her. She had no leanings whatsoever way back when when we knew her then, at all.

 

I don't know if this book will help you, but there's a lot of good info in it to learn by.

 

Many gay people are some who have never been abused, but just believe they felt these feelings and decide that's who they are.

 

Find out more about your girlfriend. If you put your relationship on hold and try to be there for her, another sort of bond could be built. If she decides that she wants to pursue this path, you have not actually been legally married yet, and it still may be worse if this had happened after you're married to one another.

 

I'm so sorry this is happening to you, Ecko.

 

Hugs to you. Please hang in there if you will.

 

11Flower

[ReadyorNot]

Whats happening to this trip to Paris? When is (or was) this trip?

[Ecko809]

March 20-27 of this year. Im not too sure what to do with it. I dont want to come out and say ' hey i was planning on taking you to Paris to propose, you still wanna go?' So Im not too sure. I cant get my money back either. Its not just plane tickets its a full on trip. Hotel, car, everything, 5 star hotel too (Marriott Paris Champs Elysees). I think ill wait it out or something and see what shakes out. Worst case scenario..........................

[ReadyorNot]

I wouldnt worry about it.. the worst thing to do would be to mention it to her right now.. she will feel you are trying to pull a guilt trip... You still have loads of time.... Do you know for sure if she can get the time off work??? But she has no idea of the trip at all? Well..maybe in a few weeks tell her about the trip... but dont tell her anything about proposing..maybe dont even propose afterall if you do go....

[Ecko809]

I spoke with her boss in late december and made the arrangements for her to be off that week. Im not really worried about the trip right now, Im more worried about my emotional swings where I go from being furious to heartbroken all within a few minutes. She plans on telling her mother about how she feels tomorrow, and shes coming to my house before that to talk. I thought her mom would support her, but her brother tells me that she went ballistic (he told her already) so I dont know whats going to happen really. Maybe this will wake her up a bit.

[Ecko809]

so its been a few days and my ex and i still talk. Its so hard for me to not call her everytime i think about her. I miss her so much. She sends me mixed signals and its really starting to effect me. She came over the other night to talk, and we talked for 2 hours. She ended up getting all over me, trying to make out and all this stuff. Now shes treating me like im doing something wrong. She does stuff like, 'hey ill call you right back' and never call. We text message each other a few times a day but i cant stop feeling like shes just messing with me. She says she misses me and shes just doing what people her age do (clubs bars stuff like that). Im so confused and hurt

[shanez26]

hi i am going through similar situation we have an 18 month old child and we have been together for 9 years and were planning on getting married in november this year,about 8 months ago i had a serious ilnnes and she was under alot of pressure and also she had to have an abortion 3 months ago. 1 month b 4 the abortion i caught her kissing a lesbian at the bottom of our street and i was naturally shocked. she said thing has stopped and never seen her for a month then 3 days ago i found her texting this girl and she says she loves her and is leaving me, i too dont know what to do i feel so confused as we also have had a great sex life and only 3 days before she told me she loved her she had sex with me and kept begging for more. i feel so confused and dont know what to do the doctor has put me on prozac and i feel usless.

[mgirl]

Hi Shane,

 

Sometimes it's hard because sex and love can be two different things. I am a lesbian and always enjoyed sex with guys although i always felt something was missing, something kind of spiritual. I can understand that it must be hard for you as you perceived that she enjoyed sex with you, but sometimes there is something more and perhaps that is what she's finding with this girl. Or perhaps it is a stage she is going through, you never know. I think that all you can do now is let time take it's toll and see what happens. At the end of the day the heart wins out, over everything. Over logic and it all, so as much as you can present her with the facts, she may well end up following her heart. Don't think it is your fault though. If a person is gay then they are gay and there is nothing you or anybody else can do about it. Try to find out whether she has had these thoughts and desires before. This is usually an indication that somebody is gay as it is a long term thing.

 

Best of luck and don't despair,

 

Mgirl