Feeling Like A Mess Dealing with grief

[newgirlhere]

My cousin passed away very suddenly 2 years ago this month. I think I heard somewhere that the second year is much worse than the first but I tried not to pay too much attention to that for fear it would become a self-fulfilling prophecy.

 

But for sure, this has been a very hard month for me emotionally. I get flashbacks every day to our childhood. We grew up together and slept in the same room many times with each others' brothers and sisters - he was a big brother to me, without a doubt. He taught me everything. He was my role model - he was hilarious, positive, strong, sure, and incredibly accomplished when he lost his life. We were only a few years apart in age.

 

Somehow right now I feel like I don't know what to do. I hated the way grieving felt right after he died and did everything I could to avoid it. I dated the wrong guy that whole year, and when I would attempt to share things with him about it he would pretty much distance himself completely, so I learned not to do that and to be careful not to show my vulnerability too much to just about anyone. My siblings, meanwhile, leaned on and cried to their significant others and spouses.

 

Anyway I am suddenly dealing with it on a scale that makes it too hard to avoid. I feel depressed and very bad about this right now. I also feel like it is something I cannot share with anyone without freaking them out, so in the end, I feel exhausted attempting to put on an act of happy and stable that I can't back up. I feel lonely and like no one can really love who I am at heart - because who I am at heart is someone very sad right now and no one seems to want that. I'm also terrified of losing anyone else in my life. I'm definitely researching grief therapists here (I went to one for awhile after he passed and it was a disaster - just a really bad fit and I wound up quitting her services after the first year), but I suppose in the meantime I am just venting.

 

Definitely need a little strength right now.

 

Thanks for everyone listening.

[Livingreal]

I am sorry for your loss. With the anniversary this month, it is very understandable that your grief and sadness has come to the foreground. A huge part of grief is accepting that the person has died and to do this it is necessary to avoid pushing away your feelings. The more you resist your feelings the longer the pain will last.

 

It is helpful to talk with significant others or friends, however it will always be you that needs to deal with the pain. Grief is a lonely place even when you do have a significant other. Are there any plans for the family to get together on the anniversary? Do you talk with your siblings about how they handle their grief? You might be able to support each other. I've been through grief and I understand that after time, it feels like friends kind of expect you to be over it. It's not that they don't understand or care, it's just that they don't know how to take away your pain and often are afraid of saying the wrong thing.

 

Accept that you are sad right now, don't fight it. It is ok. Take some time to cry and spend time with your family. Eventually the pain will decrease, I promise.

[newgirlhere]

Thank you - I have been leaning on my siblings a lot in the last few days and they are both admitting to feeling the same way I am this year, which helps a lot. The weekend of the anniversary has passed and we were all together for it, which helped, but actually I spent most of that day feeling out of it and detached. Kind of like I knew I was expected to be sad, so instead I worked on being the opposite while I felt like people were staring me down to see what I would do or how I would react. Now it's all kind of just building from there. In any case, I am beyond grateful to my siblings for letting me admit to this and need them more right now...

 

Thank you for your very kind words. I feel a lot better just getting it all out there and hearing from people who have stood in my shoes. Many of my friends have flat out been like "It's been a while though, right?" As if two years without a person can erase and entire upbringing and foundation built with them. I understand they just don't get it and want me to be 'happy'. It doesn't stop me from kinda wanting to strangle them though .

[Livingreal]

I'm so happy for you that you spent time with your siblings and you were able to support each other. Hopefully now you feel less alone and can turn to them again.

 

I feel lonely and like no one can really love who I am at heart - because who I am at heart is someone very sad right now and no one seems to want that.

 

You have sadness in your heart right now, but you are still much more than sadness. You are everything and will always be everything. The lighter side of you is still there and will become stronger everyday. The more you try to avoid the sadness, the longer it will remain.

 

When you are alone, get in touch with that sadness and feel it without feeding it with your thoughts. Cry. It may take time, but your heart will lighten.

 

I'm also terrified of losing anyone else in my life.

 

I remember this fear. I lost a boyfriend and was so afraid to open my heart to another man with fear that he too might die. I came to realise that if I had this fear before meeting him, I would never have had all the heart treasured moments of knowing and loving him. That would have been far worse. Life is about each moment we experience. It may not feel like it, right now, but in comparison, very few of those moments are full of anguish and sadness. It would be a waste to allow fear to prevent or tarnish the moments you have with everyone in your life. Choose instead to enjoy each moment as it happens.

 

As if two years without a person can erase and entire upbringing and foundation built with them.

 

There is no time that will erase the time you spent with your cousin and his memory. Time and healing will only erase the pain of his loss.

 

In retrospect, I held on to the pain because it kept the bond to him alive. This was unhealthy. Letting go didn’t erase him, my love for him or any of our shared memories, but it did give me peace in my heart. Letting go of that pain was a choice.

[chitown9]

Oh, gosh....I know it is tough. Also, you were not able to grieve properly at the onset because you were masking how you truly felt at the time. Now that you don't need to do that anymore, you are actually dealing with the pain of your loss. I would like to suggest a book to you. It is entitled "Tear Soup." It will help you get through this. It is ok to be sad. It is part of the process. chi