Advice on handling a second chance needed.

[keefy1972]

Well, so much for NC. As I was online reading some of these posts, my ex popped online and IM'ed me. She was telling me that she wants me to understand that she really would like to spend time with me but she is afraid to. Said she is afraid of spending time with me, having a great time, as she knows she would, and thinking so highly of me and then later on, I get paranoid, make assumptions, make accusations and basically show my dark side. In other words, get paranoid about her and her ex. Said that that has been her problem with me all along. She can't handle the rollercoaster. This fear is based on some previous experiences between us. She said I am, when I worry about our status, a completely different person. I go from someone she really likes a lot (use to say she loved) to someone she hates. Says she wants to get more comfortable with knowing I am not going to "freak out" on her when I am dreaming up scenarios that are not legitimate. This is the root of our problems and has been for a long time.

 

I had said a lot of mean things to her in the past that, I suspect, helped drive her away from me and back to considering reconciliation with her ex. It really sucks because this is like a catch-22 because I want so badly to prove to her that I have grown so much from that immature fool. How do you get to prove that without being given a chance to. Maybe our current interactions is my opportunity to do just that. If so, I think total no contact would be very detrimental to my cause. It could be my cue to just "go with the flow" as a way of showing her my maturity. She also said that she just needs to get more comfortable with the idea of us meeting up for lunch (wondering if this is a date or not is exactly the thinking that leads to my dark side) and she "isn't comfortable enough right now, but it is DEFINITELY NOT, by any means, out of the question". She actually said this last part with some serious enthusiasm. I don't think I am going to employ no contact, however, I am not going to be initiating any contact either. At least for a while. I just need to focus on me and my continued development as a good person. She did say that if I have indeed grown, she will no doubt notice the change. I know that she cares for me a great deal and I also know that if I was given the opportunity once again, that she would rediscover the love and passion she once felt for me. I never made any efforts to win her love in the beginning, she fell in love with who I really am. That is what makes it so hard, I know this and need to learn to trust that. This is so difficult!!

[ajk]

hey keefy--

i think your email back to her was great, nonchalant, funny, and endearing. i do think she's making some assumptions about your behavior--you are working on yourself to change those things and perhaps she doesn't see that, for whatever reason.

but you're right, that if you don't initiate contact, she will probably see it. (though i am not totally for the NC thing, or for not initiating contact...sometimes it's good to let people know you're thinking of them, as you did in your text message to her. building trust and connection is important.) her emails are confusing, though, perhaps keeping you by a string...so if you can, don't let the confusion hurt you...

[keefy1972]

Thanks ajk. The confusion is definitely very difficult to deal with and hard to understand. I know, to some extent, she is keeping me on a string and I often find myself blaming me for allowing it to go on. I think that sometimes I set her up to tell me things to give me hope that we can be together again.

 

For instance, I have told her many times that I need her to give me closure and let me go. I need to hear her tell me that she don't want me and knows she will never want to be with me again. She tells me that she just cant do that because she "dont know what the future holds". She said that she is afraid to "burn any bridges" with me. Says she knows its selfish and she is sorry that she cant provide me the closure I need. I know I should be the grown up here and gain closure on my own. Other than no contact, I dont know how to do that. Honestly, I dont want closure. I love her to death and want her back. If I knew of any way to make that happen, I would. She has to find her way back to me and I know that, but isnt there some way I could draw her a road map?

 

Tryingtobestrong was right in saying that she absolutely knows how I feel about her and has no fear, whatsoever, of losing me. I remember a time that that was suppose to be a good thing. I guess if she had a real fear of losing me that it may motivate her to make a decision, one way or another, a lot quicker. Ok, I am done venting. Thanks for your time.

[stolenshadow]

Hello keefy, I read your posts and I have some advice to offer you.

 

The first line in your last post had most of the truth:

I know, to some extent, she is keeping me on a string and I often find myself blaming me for allowing it to go on. I think that sometimes I set her up to tell me things to give me hope that we can be together again.

 

That's it, I know we sometimes feel like holding to something, anything, the benefit of the doubt, the thought that we might be thinking too much into it, just any small thing that can tell us the other person is not meaning their actions.

The fact seems to be here she doesn't want to go out with you for whatever reason, she seems to be interested in the ex but prefers to have you ready just in case, you're not the one she has to put her efforts in, she knows she has you, so what she has to do is work on her other relationship and see what happens with that one.

 

Does it means is all lost?, of course not, but she must see you do have a life and you are not afraid to move on (even if you are), I know you don't want closure, but you need it, and she's not going to help you with that, you have to give that to yourself, as soon as she sees you're not around for her and you won't wait for her to give you her permission to move on then she might think twice about what she's letting go.

 

In a personal opinion the e-mail you sent as a reply same as the text were very much given her the rights to your heart and thoughts, in the future don't put yourself so available, don't offer yourself to her, be kind, be gentle, be polite, friendly, but your "important" thoughts and feelings can't be for her if she's just your friend, don't make her feel like the special woman in your life when she hasn't earned it, she loves the attention and she's doing nothing, she is getting benefits but not giving a thing to you and maybe plenty to the other guy.

 

Don't play games, that is not neccesary either, just draw a line and make sure she won't cross it until she is ready to commit or give your relationship a chance again.

 

Good luck.

[keefy1972]

derrrrrrrrrrr

[keefy1972]

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