Should I persevere through this dry patch? No sex / intimacy for a long time...

[thesilentking]

I'm in my mid-late twenties, and have been in a relationship with a girl for 3 1/2 years.

 

Firstly a quick rundown of the circumstances - before her, I've had two girlfriends. The first, we were together for a couple of years and had sex semi-regularly, although not as often as I would have liked, but I was never great, and we both knew it. After her, I dated a girl who was younger, more attractive, and really into me. Like, she would beg for sex, give me random blowjobs, told me I was amazing, etc. I knew I still wasn't that great, but she did provide a self-esteem boost. Unfortunately I didn't get on so great with her in other areas, and I also started to go soft sometimes during sex, which I usually couldn't recover from. I was so mortified by this that I turned down sex a couple of times, and then it played on my mind, and so the next time we did have sex I was thinking about that, and of course lost it again. It wasn't something which happened all the time, but it got to the point where I just felt like sex was more effort than it was worth, and I'd rather save the potential embarrassment. We still had sex of course, but it cooled off, from every time we saw each other (3 - 4 times per week) to only every week or two. We broke up after a year as we weren't compatible in other ways anyway.

 

After we broke up, I thought my 'poor performance' over the years must have stemmed from my poor general health. I was (and am) out of shape, but moreover have never been in shape. I am not hugely fat or anything - in clothes I look reasonable enough, but I have a large gut (not fat anywhere else though), hardly any stamina (can only jog for a few minutes), barely any muscle, virtually no core strength.

 

I was wary of relationship after the 2nd girlfriend, but shortly afterwards I was sort of swept up into a relationship with a friend when we both drunkenly confessed feelings for each other. Now this friend was way hotter than either of my previous girlfriends - I have no idea how someone so attractive managed to select me as a mate, but there you go. This is my current gf, and where things get strange.

 

We started off infatuated with each other, and had sex / did other things as normal. However, the previous problem still reoccurred (even worse, since we had to use condoms, whereas my previous gf had birth control, making it easier to stay 'with it'). We talked about overcoming this problem, and tried for a while, but neither of our hearts were really in it, and sometimes we'd just not have sex for a week or so. We actually did more 'other' sexual stuff rather than just normal intercourse (never had a problem staying up then). I found myself naturally returning to my 'shunning' of sex, gradually, feeling like it was a lot of hassle, and my gf openly admitted that she wasn't really bothered about sex itsef at all (she was not upset or annoyed as intimacy decreased either).

 

I did not get in shape (despite a few lackluster attempts) and remained as weak as ever - I just sort of 'let things slide'. I never one thought 'I need to be having regular, good sex, so I must force myself to get fit and take charge to improve my waning sex life'. Both of us just ignored the problem, and we naturally fell into a state of 'best friends who kiss and sometimes do sexual stuff, like, once every month or so'. That was after about a year. Despite this, we moved in together, due again to 'letting things slide' and neither of us saying that there was any kind of massive problem with how things were.

 

After a while longer, we basically stopped all intimacy apart from kissing. I think we haven't had sex in about a year (possibly more) and we haven't done anything sexual in about three months. The thought of having sex seems wrong now, to me, as I feel I am objectively unattractive, especially compared to her, and she would only be 'putting up with it' even if we did do something. That thought is huge turnoff. This is the difference between this and my previous relationship - even though I felt unattractive in the previous one, her enthusiasm overcame that. This time, however, there is no enthusiasm, only acceptance. She has said a few times that she finds toned / muscled men hot (well, duh) and I feel that if we are to ever recover our sex life, I have to get 'in shape' in order to feel attractive and therefore able to 'take control'.

 

Recently I have decided that it can't go on much longer like this - I am trying again to get in shape. Here is my problem (finally!):

Due to our lack of intimacy, we have begun to drift apart for a while now, and argue over both petty and large things quite a lot. Stereotypical 'they need more sex' petty arguing. Threats from both sides to break up. However, it's not all bad, and I feel our relationship could be healed if I were more confident and appealing. Recently, I feel like it's hard to even judge whether we have any long-term potential, and whether it's even worth staying together, since I keep writing every bad thing off as 'we'll get on better once we have more intimacy / things will seem more natural / we'll be closer'. I also don't want to give up on 3 1/2 years of friendship and memories just because I was too lazy to get in shape. But I am starting to wonder if renewed closeness really is possible. Sex seems so alien to me now. If we did break up, it's not like I'd be opening the door to all the sex I could get - I'd need some serious time to work on my physical and mental health. So, do you think it's worth just sticking this 'dry' patch out and hoping that as I get fitter, our sex life re-emerges? It's not like I am desperate for sex and she constantly rejects me - I never initiate it, and neither does she; it's our unspoken agreement. And in case you are wondering, I am quite sure she isn't 'getting it elsewhere', since she hardly ever goes out. I also trust her.

 

I should add that I don't have 'no sex drive'. In fact, I'll masturbate whenever the chance arises - this makes me feel guilty, as it's purely self-serving and I feel like it's therefore at odds with our need to become closer. Also the knowledge that the only time I cum is by myself makes me feel ashamed. But at the same time, it's the 'easy option', I have complete control, I don't have to worry about embarrassment, and it's quick and incredibly easy, so I do it anyway.

 

I'm sure this all sounds very pathetic and whatnot, but perhaps someone here has some advice? Anything would be appreciated (except 'grow some balls and get in shape', since that's what I'm trying to do...)

[mhowe]

It doesn't seem like fitness is something you embrace. It likely is a short term solution to a larger problem. So...I wouldn't think riding out a dry spell will work. Maybe you should have a conversation with your gf regarding intimacy and your future together?