is being open really the best way?

[bluemoon]

Hi there,

 

 

I seem to have a problem that's reoccuring- that said this problem is only over messaging.. which probably should be the first thing to be avoided.

Anyway, im not really a person to call up people and chat to them so when I'm not with someone, we would communicate by text.

 

Today I tried to let my friend know (over messaging) that something she did had upset me. She asked me to do her a couple of favours really last minute and has been at me the 2days and I've been unable to meet those demands because I'm really busy with work at the moment and other things. Not being able to meet those demands immediately has made me feel like a terrible friend, and I also remembered a situation I had with her before when she had been less accommodating when I needed her to be there for me. In the end I felt a little bit annoyed by it and cheated.

 

I tried to explain to her that I was aware of her situation and understanding of it.. and at the same time tried to let her know how the whole thing was making me feel in hope that we could talk it out. That seemed to be the mistake , because she read into it the wrong way.

She then went on to justify herself and tell me that 'good friends are there no matter what' and that 'i don't want to help her' and how she has tried to be there for me. I then clarified that I never said I wouldn't help her and just wanted to let her know how I felt and work it out/talk it out because I was upset by it and i knew if I didn't say something now that I would have to later because it would have annoyed me then still and i didn't want it to affect our relationship later on.

 

The truth is, I feel let down by her.. and that she wasn't really there for me when I needed her to be- infact she was quite insensitive and it really hurt me. And what further hurt me is when she confided something really personal to other friends instead of me because it made me feel like she didn't think of me as close as them.. despite having been friends for so long and never ever having been judgemental of her.

I tried to explain this but she turned onto the defensive and justified herself.. i tried to be understanding of that too and let her know I can see things from her point of view but it just ended up leading nowhere.

 

 

I then asked if I could cycle up to her and we could talk it out and clear it up.. and she just kept saying 'no you're fine' and kept pushing me away after telling me how hurtful I was and how upset she was.

The only thing hurtful I could have said to her was that I thought she had been insensitive to me and that I felt like she didn't consider me a good friend.

All she had to say was , ' im sorry you feel like that it wasn't my intention' and then it could have all been solved.

 

she seems to have read into the complete wrong way and turned it around on me, or i really don't know. I really tried to phrase things in the best way I could, letting her know I was understanding of her situation while also trying to explain things from mine without pointing the finger to anyone..rather just explaining a feeling

 

I feel crazy..

 

 

How do you guys handle situations like these... say for example when a friend/someone/otherhalf is upset with you?

[catfeeder]

Use messaging for setting up dates and times to see people or exchange mundane stuff or jokes--NOT for hashing out complex emotional stuff.

 

I'd back off and consider whether someone who can't respect your busy schedule is a friend you want to keep. Give her time to cool off, and by then you might come to some clear conclusions about whether someone you feel ripped off by is someone you really WANT to scramble for in the first place.

 

Going forward, when you have an emotional issue to discuss with someone, text them to say there's something on your mind and ask if it's a good time to ring them or stop by. Then talk about it, don't type it.

[bluemoon]

thanks for your advice I'll try that in future,

she hasn't responded to me since so i'm starting to think she doesn't care that much to work things out or is just avoiding it cos she has too much on her plate atm

either way, it leaves me unsure of our friendship and confirms what I thought before

[Batya33]

Maybe she felt let down by your choice to text to her rather than speak to her face to face or by phone. And she might have read what you wrote as much harsher than intended -again because of your choice to communicate by text. I agree that you should let some time go by, then apologize for bringing up the issue by text (without justifying or explaining -just "sorry"). Decide, if she will see you, if you still want to raise the underlying issue.

[bluemoon]

i really watched how i phrased it cos i wanted to be nonblaming and wrote it how i would say it in person. it could have caught her at a bad time and i regret that, but wasnt aware of it when i sent the message. She didn't handle it well and I tried to be forthcoming after I realised that so I don't even know if I should send her a message in a couple of days because I just feel rejected after I was not allowed to be upset myself. This seems to be recurring in my life, when I'm upset at something.. suddenly I am not allowed to be and it's all about the other person and I'm just not sure if I want more of that in my life.

then again this makes me feel crazy cos i pretty much know only 1 person who doesn't react that way and it makes me feel crazy and too sensitive and like no one needs to hear how im feelin beyond the 'im good, everything is fine'

[Batya33]

It doesn't matter how carefully you phrased it. You chose to hide behind a phone or computer screen about an important issue and it told her that you didn't care enough to discuss it face to face and that in essence you cared far more about yourself (it's easier to do it your way of course) than about the friendship.

 

You are allowed to feel what you feel. You are not entitled to validation from others. You are entitled not to be friends with someone who you feel does not treat you well.

 

When you hurt someone else you are not entitled to be the victim. If you are hurt too then that is a separate issue. You have to let the person who feels hurt by you discuss her feelings and you have to be a good listener. Then you can raise how you were hurt too but not as justification for what you did. It's completely separate. If you connect the two don't be surprised if the other person who you hurt isn't interested in listening. No "I'm sorry I hurt you but you hurt me too".

[catfeeder]

OP, you're the only one among us who truly knows whether this is a friend who was hurt by your message, or just a user who's in a snit because she didn't get her way.

 

If this is someone who's been a decent friend to you, give her time, then approach her to apologize. If she's a user who's just being a snot now because she couldn't manipulate you this time, then skip the angst and walk away.

 

In either case, consider this a valuable experience that has spared you from making the text message mistake with anyone in your future who really matters to you. If this girl matters and the feeling is mutual, she'll give you the opportunity to work it out and fix this. If you don't matter enough to her, then you'll have the opportunity to consider whether this was a one-sided friendship and she's only gone because you called her on that.

 

None of use here can really know this stuff. You do know it now, or you will.

[bluemoon]

Hi Batya,

 

i am aware of everything you mentioned in your comment. I chose to text her, because that was our form of communication at the time. We were texting. I didn't think it would be a big deal texting this until she started taking it the wrong way and SHE started playing the victim. My only reason for telling her was that I was upset and just wanted to clear it up. After I realised it was going nowhere which was about 5minutes into texting each other I suggested I would get myself to her house and clear it up cos our friendship was important to me, at that point she had already decided to shut me out, which made me feel worse- like I wasn't allowed to share my feelings and that she didn't care enough to take 10mins to chat it out in person despite her having said she'd come to over to my house to pick up whatever she needed. Thus proving my initial feelings- that when she needs something I have to bow down and that when I need something- only when it's convenient to her.

[bluemoon]

Hi catfeeder. Thanks for your valuable input!

At this point I don't know anymore if she has been a valuable friend. I feel like I don't really know her. When I moved away from our hometown she did make an effort to call me up from time to time for a chat and I really appreciated it. However when I moved back to the city and we ended up seeing each other every 2nd day or so she didn't take the time for me at all and just kind of made empty chat.

I sent her a text a couple of days later to ask how she was doing, i didn't want to call her as shes in work most days and didn't want to disturb.

 

She hasn't responded and it's almost been 16 days since we last talked. So I guess our friendship doesn't matter all that much.

I'm willing to walk away and I don't know if I should put any more effort into it.. as it's up to her entirely now, What do you think?