Help! Confused: Spent 2 days with ex....

[roxy79]

I do want to build a stronger "friendship" with him this time around. I think we may have missed out on that when we first started dating because we were just so excited that we had finally found someone that we wanted to spend this much time with.

 

He treats me very well. He's always been a gentlman. And he would defintly go out of his way for me if i asked him to. Back in Sept/Oct. he left work early to come and look at my truck for me. And in Nov. I asked him to get me some racing posters if he could while he was at a race, and he got me a stack of them. And I know getting these posters was not easy, so it made me feel great that he did go out of his way for me for the posters.

 

He "shows" me all sorts of things that make me think yes he does like me and we still have a strong connection and there must be something there. I just want to hear him say it. thats why i want HIM to be the one to say "hey what are WE doing?" Cause last time i asked that I didn't get the answer I wanted to hear.

 

My friend wants to hang out with the boys this weekend (Saturday). But I'm going act like I had nothing to do with it. Im not sure if my ex will join, but I dont see why he woudn't? Do I just let them make the planning and never ask my ex if he is going to go? Its hard cause I want him to be there soooooo bad.

[iceesnowbubble]

Don't ask if your ex is going to go.. if he happens to get involved in the plans..thats to your advantage..but don't inquire..

[roxy79]

To make a long story short, I got into a HUGE fight with my family Friday night. I was super upset, so I called my ex. He didn't answer his phone, so I didn't leave a message. Just hung up. An hour later he called.

We made small talk at first then he said "well I see that you called but you didn't leave a message." I then further explained what happened etc. He apologize for not answering as he was at dinner with his parents.

 

We talked for a while, making each other laugh. He told me what his plans were for this weekend (going out of town). I guess Im just caught off guard by the call by. He has NEVER called back when I called and just hung up. Not that I've done it a lot, probably only twice, but still, he called back.

 

This is a good sign right? It shows that he cared enough to see what I wanted since I had tried to reach him but didnt leave a message. So do i still "back off" and let him contact me next week. We both mentioned how we all should hang out again, cause it really seems like my friend and his roommate are hitting it off.

 

What do you guys think?

[Mun]

I think the fact that you have backed off and let things happen is probably the reason he is not feeling "suffocated" and is even now calling you back. You appear more confident ( even if you aren't feeling that way) because you are being relaxed about this--that's what he sees on his end anyway

[savannahohsavannah]

Just because you shagged your ex does not mean he wants a new or renewed relationship with you. And what I hear you say is, basically, that this fella shows up in your life once in a blue moon. When a guy really loves you heaven and earth won't tear them away. I really wouldn't shag him again, because it sounds like you want more than sex, and that is all he's wanting.

[roxy79]

Well the fact that i've only slept with him 2 times since October leads ME to believe that sex isn't the only thing he wants. If he wanted it more, he'd be asking for it more. And he doesn't just "show up" into my life every once in a while (or blue mood as you put it). I have seen or talked to him at LEAST 3 times a week since before Christmas.

 

And I NEVER said that I thought he wanted a renewed relationship just because we slept with each other. It was the million other things other than sex that he is doing that leads me to believe he wants something more.

[Mun]

Take things slow Roxy, get a feel for what is really on his mind. Don't do all the work here though. Let him come to you and you'll find out eventually if he just wants your friendship or something more.

 

Don't give too much. Stay on the same page as him.

[roxy79]

Thanks Muneca. You give very sound advice which I take to heart. I am doing my best to see things from his perspective, which is why I haven't asked him to do anything, I haven't called, other that being upset Friday night. I'm letting him feel comfortable around me and I am showing him that I AM on the same page as him. By understanding him and his needs, I am giving him the space. I am not putting pressure on him and I am letting him come to me. (hopefully...I'm still working on this concept).

 

Thanks again Muneca. You are a star.

[savannahohsavannah]

Roxy79:

I have lots of different experiences with men. To me, it sounds as if you are looking too hard for clues to what he wants. In my experience, anytime you have to do this, there is only the slimmest chance that the man in question has any serious intention or interest in you. Again, if it were me, I'd be friends with him only, no more shagging. And I would totally start seeing other men.

[Mun]

Thanks Roxy that's really sweet.

 

I hope my advice helps at least one person.

[roxy79]

Nothing new has progressed with my story/situation. One thing did strike me as "odd" this week and I just wanted to get your take on it.

 

While I was leaving work, my ex was down coaching. As he was talk to his team, he glanced up at me, and completely stopped talking. Then he looked back at his team real quick, stil lwithout saying anything as if he had lost his train of thought. The team giggled a bit, and then he continued what he was saying.

 

Now my co-worker mentioned "that" to me out in the parking lot. I thought I was just making "stuff" up in my head, but she had seen what happened too.

 

So that's about as exciting at my story can get. My ex and I did talk on the phone Friday night and had a very good conversation. Talked about a lot of things and it was VERY comfortable. Maybe he's just taking baby steps back into a "relationship" with me.

[Hope75]

Hi Roxy,

 

Sounds like you are learning to relax a little more and that's good.

 

Did your ex call you Friday, or did you call him?

[roxy79]

I left him a note on his car after work cause he was still down coaching. I had gotton called into a meeting right after work which was going to last till 7:30 or so, so my other plans had to be canceled.

 

So I left him a note telling him that and asked if he wanted to get a bite to eat or something. So he called me, said he was suppose to meet his best friend for "boy talk" at the bar so he wouldn't be able to go. We talked for a while the phone and then I let him go.

 

I actually haven't relaxed much. I'm at the same point, actually more frustrated than ever. I can't stand the fact that he never cares to call me to see what I"m doing. I guess I should take that as a sign, but why is it he'll show me he cares about me in many other ways?

[Hope75]

Hi Roxy,

 

Sorry you are having such a hard time.

 

My guy is also sending me mixed signals, so I know what you are going through, and it sucks.

 

Try and focus on other things and don't contact him if you can help it. Keep yourself from leaving notes on his car or calling him, because then if he doesn't contact you or can't meet with you, you won't be dissappointed.

 

Your guy is obviously confused, are you willing to wait around while he figures himself out? Personally I am doing some waiting myself and it's very hard, and I don't know what the outcome will be, BUT I am also focusing on school and my friends and now know that no matter what my guy decides I am coming through this stronger than ever.

 

How about you?

[savannahohsavannah]

So I left him a note telling him that and asked if he wanted to get a bite to eat or something. So he called me, said he was suppose to meet his best friend for "boy talk" at the bar so he wouldn't be able to go.

I don't mean to be rude or hurtful because I've stood in shoes similar to yours, but this was a kiss off. You should back off from this ym entirely. I'd even date someone else. Truly, I've never had anyone come to me in a meaningful manner with this level of confusion.

Savannah

[jbaskerville]

i think that all realtionships and situations are different, and that no one can predict what will happen.

 

but, i agree with muneca in that sense that you can create an atmosphere that will make getting back together a little easier.

 

right now, i am going through a break up with someone that i truly adored. i am no where near the "he is calling me, and i need to play it cool stage".

 

roxy, reading about your experience, and reading the advice that muneca and hope 75 are giving you is really helping me as well.

 

i hope that you will find happiness regardless of how the situation turns out. however, being the diehard romantic that i am-- i hope that you get him back!!!!!!!

 

good luck!

 

ps. i will definitely be taking alot of the advice that i have seen posted here!

[roxy79]

Hey Hope--

I am willing to wait it out. He told me in October when he and I "talked" about us, that if I wanted to "wait" for him, then I could. Im not so much giving up other options because if other guys come my way that I seem interested in, I'm gonna give it a shot. But right now, I've been going out with other guys but no one has caught my interest, so the search continues. But if my ex were to come back tomorrow, Id be ready for him.

 

There are just too many things about us that are right and there are too many things that he does/says that makes me think/feel he knows it too...he's just not ready. And who am I to tell him that he has to choose between doing something HE feels he needs to do or me. I'm willing to let him figure himself out, grow, and become the man I know he wants to be.

 

And his excuse was not a "kiss off". I think I know my ex well enough to know if he's making something up. He knows he doesn't have to lie to me and he never has. So why would he start now? He's very comfortable with me and knows that we can tell each other "no thats not a good idea" or "no I dont want to do anything tonight." He doesn't have to lie to me and I know he never would.

 

I just have my ups and downs. But I continue, I think, to be heading in the right direction. All the things I see are GOOD signs. I think i've come along way him and can't hope but think this is still going in the right direction. I dont believe in NO CONTACT with my situation. When i feel like I"m getting too emotional, I back off until I gain my cool again. I dont see any reason to completely "ignore" him.

 

What do you think?

[Hope75]

Hi Roxy,

 

I completely understand your wanting to give your guy some time and feel things out, I am going through the exact same thing, there are so many things with us that are/were right and that the things that drove us apart are minor glitches that we let get out of hand and become major by not addressing them or talking about it.

 

I just want to make sure that you are not putting all of your eggs in this one basket and not leaving yourself open to other opportunities for too long... some time is OK but don't let this rule your life, OK?

 

You sounded calmer in your last post. How are you feeling?

[roxy79]

Hi. I AM doing much better. Some days are better than others, but right I'm quite confident in myself and in the way my life is going. I've been going to the gym twice a day to occupy my time and of course to keep my body in shape.

 

I'm not "holding" out for my ex. I am trying to meet other people and I am "dating" other people. Dating really isn't my thing, but I am making a point to hang out with guys and meet them. For example, I'm going golfing with the dude I am NO interest in all, but it'll be nice cause I won't be sitting at home and I'll be getting attention from him.

 

One thing I did hear from my ex's roommate is that my ex has been going to bed at like 8:00pm every night or has been asleep already by then. THat is very unlike him. Now when i was very depressed about my situation with him, I was in bed that early too. Do you think he may be unsure about his decision? That maybe he isn't so happy without me? Also, I know he isn't sick...so that isn't why is going to be early.

 

Just curious.

[Hope75]

I wouldn't read into his going to be early as anything, he could be just tired from everything that's been going on in his life.

 

No matter why he is going to bed early, remember he is still standing by his decision not to be with you, and while that is happening, it is important for you to focus on taking care of yourself and your needs, and it sounds like you are doing just that.

 

Good job on going out with friends and guys, and working out. I find that working out always makes me feel better, plus, I've lost 15 lbs since my breakup and I look and feel great.

 

I'm wondering if you should lay off talking to his room mate, just for your own piece of mind, It's harder for you to focus on you if you are constantly hearing reports on him, and then you go reading into them for what might not be there.

 

What do you think?

[roxy79]

I think you are exactly right. I was trying to take a break from my best friend and his roommate, but thats hard to do when its your best friend. And she always wants to include me and we always want to do stuff together. So thats hard.

 

But sometimes I do feel like I'm getting information 3rd hand, so I may be looking into something that may not be anything at all.

 

I just don't know how to go about avoiding the topic of my ex with her. She talks to his roommate every night so she gets certain kinds of info and she always passes it along to me in the morning at the gym.

 

I guess the easiest thing for me to do is to just not talk about it at all myself. Sometimes I just wish I could disapear from the entire situation. ya know?

[Hope75]

I know exactly how you feel, sometimes it feels like it would just be easier to disappear from the situation entirely.

 

She is your best friend, can you just tell her that hearing about your ex is too much for you right now and that you'd rather not get the reports from her?

 

I'm sure she will understand.

 

Keep up the good work!