Just Another Phase

[meoww]

Just peeling back the layers as always.

[meoww]

I realized it was time for yet another new journal, because I realized that I'm starting to be in a pretty good place. I want a journal where I can discuss my thoughts that aren't necessarily related to past abuse.

[meoww]

So random thought--I'm having trouble taking shots, my gag reflex has a mind of its own. I need to tame this beast. I'm only drinking whiskey until I get to my goal weight, whiskey just seems a lot healthier than vodka or other alcohol. I seriously want an alcohol vaporizer so that I can get drunk without the effort or calories...

 

Alcohol haven't had in years, and will never drink again: rum, my number one enemy, gin, there's got to be more I just can't think of any others off the top of my head.

[meoww]

It is a bit of a letdown to realize I'm physically incapable of becoming an alcoholic, I don't know how people drink so much my body just can't handle it.

[meoww]

A mix of weird, positive, and numb.

 

For example if I'm late for something, I don't get that stressed out. If I miss a deadline, I'm like oh well. I don't even get super stressed out if I accidentally annoy someone or something (unless it is related to abuse like on ENA, need to qualify that)

 

And I swear my body is like numbed out sometimes, it's so hot and while other people are complaining I'm literally so chill. I'm like it's just hot air. Nothing feels the same anymore! I still get sweaty and stuff it just doesn't bother me.

 

I was wrong about my gag reflex it was just a night when I was drinking from a flask and realizing I can't just dump it down my throat like I normally do. But seriously I could go without a chaser my senses are so dulled. Whiskey used to have such a strong taste to me, but I don't feel such a sense of disgust anymore,

 

Like I could almost watch those live surgery vids and not flinch. Which is big news for me because I have been so squeamish I couldn't look at my own veins or body parts in the mirror.

 

I don't have paranoid thoughts that I know what someone is thinking. But it's freaking me out that I have no clue what is going on inside anybody's head.

 

Weird feels all around.

[meoww]

Another thing I realized about myself:

 

I'm always craving more, I always need stimulation. I definitely desire a lot of constant change in my life. I'm independent but I'm not an introvert.

 

I basically need to be entertained a lot of the time, and even in boring situations I try to liven things up for myself somehow, creating interesting scenarios between people, encouraging people to try new things, especially on vacation being crazy or even it's just waiting in a line at the DMV and eye f-ing some hot guy and having some daydream. Not the best example since everyone does that though.

 

I am going to mention my abusers here though: because they made me feel like I was not okay to be like that.

 

I used to feel kind of unstable because I'm always chasing after some elusive dream but I like that about myself and I accept that's who I am. Why would they try to make that out to be a bad thing when I've never put myself in harm's way? I'm just a normal person who likes to have fun.

[meoww]

I really need something to get excited about right now! You know in a way, I used to wish someone would just tell me what was acceptable to do or just try to encourage me somehow--like I wanted them to see something good in me and tell me that they noticed it. So I wanted my therapist to do that with me at first, the way a parent might notice some kind of talent or skill their child has. I needed someone else to tell me that what I was doing or feeling was okay. But I guess I must be doing a lot better because I really don't feel that way lately and it is the weirdest feeling! It was never like this constant need or anything but I did want just someone to be like, you're obviously good at A, B, and C, and for me to like those answers and feel like it fit me somehow. Now if someone tries to label me in a way I don't agree with it doesn't affect me that much and it doesn't make me question myself. Which is why being a victim gaslighting is so damaging. It can be traced back to abuse but I'm okay with that and don't have much else to say other than acknowledging it.

 

I really want something to be excited about, maybe not necessarily like super pumped or anything but I'm missing something in my life right now.

 

So what should I do? Whatever I choose to do, I want to make sure I do it right. I don't want to waste my time on some mediocre experience. lol. Ah I'm being so weird as usual but seriously...everything seems so, like not attractive to me. Not very novel. Or well I guess it's because of financial constraints I'd have a hard time really enjoying something if it was too expensive, because there are like too many options.

[meoww]

Mmmm but I am gonna do some shopping though

[meoww]

I thought about going to Spain, Australia or Sweden. But I just feel like it's just going to be the same old. Predictable. Nothing wrong with that to be honest. But I just don't know what to do with myself, I'm not bored but I'm feeling like I need so much more, maybe I used to fill the void with more creative pursuits, but nothing is jumping out to me. I have nothing in particular to want to say.

 

Maybe that's a good thing, maybe it'll help me think more clearly than I've been thinking.

 

Well I have to chew on that for a while because I don't have an answer yet.

[meoww]

Since my recovery time from emotional wounds is faster, it's easier for me to learn from my mistakes. So that speeds everything up, I'm noticing. Everything is easier. It's actually kind of annoying how good things compound like that because bad decisions also work the same way sometimes.

 

One of those helpful little cheats in the game of life is to expect the worst of people in a way, I was definitely way late in adopting this strategy because I actually used to believe thinking that way would make me cynical or make life less magical and exciting. The purity I used to value seems very trite to me now, clinging on to something that's just not reality isn't romantic or deep. Life is actually a lot more amazing when you have all these tools to benefit yourself because you are actually somewhat aware of the true of what is happening to you and in control of your response.

 

I can't even bring myself to cry about not getting what I want sometimes! I'm just like, well, it wasn't meant to be, or what's the point of crying and getting upset when it doesn't change anything? How weird, I think I've used the word weird like 10000 times in here but seriously what is going on with me!? Everyday of recovery there are new discoveries.

 

I wonder if I'll ever been in a situation that makes me feel out of control again. Am I capable of having that childish sense of hope against all hope again? For example there was this high school girl on Facebook who was posting weird stuff on her ex's page and other girls' pages, but the guy was literally making fun of her and eventually told her to f off. I've never been THAT neurotic even at 15 but I just felt like, ugh we have all been there emotionally. Like why would a guy be so mean to a girl he had sex with? She would never act that way if he was just a little bit nicer.

There are things like that in life where people just make no sense at all and seem to have no sense of decency and are actually intentionally cruel. I've met countless guys like this in my life, people who want to have sex and totally put on a front when it isn't necessary. If you tell me you are jerk from day one it is definitely a lot easier. Some girls can't seem to get a clue either way but I'm not one of those girls. I just hate liars because it's just totally not necessary.

 

And this girl, it seemed like she would have forgiven him if he would have just come back. I know that feeling too, where you don't give a s about the red flags all over the place, just as long as you have their 'heart' again. I will hopefully never make the mistake of thinking I've won some guy over so early in the game.

 

Which is why I don't humble brag about guys anymore. It's like wow, a guy wants to f me, how special, considering he watches porn 24/7, oogles women everywhere he goes and might even find like fictional characters sexually appealing for example. I'm not flattered anymore.

[meoww]

Maybe I could hold a guy's attention for a little while, even then it's so ultimately fleeting, I wish I could enjoy it BECAUSE it's not permanent, and it's no strings attached. But mostly I just feel like I have one shot to have this perfect orgasm, mind blowing sex and erotic encounter with someone who is going to be sick of me the second it ends. I need some practice sometimes, that doesn't even necessarily mean I'm falling in love. Some stupid guys think it means that though, and they love that delusion because they are desperate to have the power and the upper hand. I like sex AND intimacy but it doesn't mean that I need to get it exclusively from one person by any means. I don't get why casual or temporary has to equal crap/disrespect sometimes.

[meoww]

Love love love. I just can't figure it out. Attachment just seems to suck the fun out of life no matter how low key it is. Need no longer represents the ideal manifestation of love to me, since it leads to anxiety and the possibility of heartbreak if your trust is betrayed. I think being a free agent in every situation is, in the end, much better. Every day I want to be able to make the choice to be truly honest with myself, and to be truly self sufficient. Most definitions of love require a certain level of attachment, but what if I just don't trust that?

 

Lately I spend a lot of (or I guess even more) time thinking about sex, how to attract guys, please them in bed, make them feel good in other ways, how to be a fun person other people want to be around. I used of just think my intuition on these things was enough but I was dead wrong.

 

I want to have some actual skills. I want to feel like one of those girls who has a really good sense of their own femininity and sexuality. I want to have a few of my own trademarks and I want to feel secure when I'm flirting or taking things further.

 

In my perfect scenario I think I'd like to always be free to act on my desires when I have them. Sometimes it's more about the situation than a particular person, or sometimes you just want someone sexually but I don't always like the idea of someone knowing everything I do, seeing me in all these moments in my life, feeling like I need them so much it makes me ill to be apart from them. It just doesn't seem healthy at all, like why is it a good thing to be possessive? Loyalty is just a fancy way of being possessive. It just seems like setting yourself up for failure and disappointment. I'd never be afraid of being alone if I could believe I was 100% okay on my own and I knew that WHEN I felt like being affectionate or loved, there would just be someone to fill that need. Like in nutrition, you've gotta get your vitamins but they can come from anywhere.

 

What happens when you meet an object of lust you feel the need to possess? I can't tell if the bad feelings are secondary or primary. Like do I want guys to be exclusive because it's natural or because I'm insecure?

[meoww]

Maybe monogamy and other relationship practices are comparable to the difference between snowboarding and skiing. The decision to do either one is often very arbitrary but either one is enjoyable and a viable option, and some people are far better suited to one option than the other but most can do both with about the same level of ability. This is actually kind of a good analogy, I'm finally getting somewhere.

 

So that leaves me in the kind of ambidextrous camp, I can do both and I don't have to worry about figuring out which one I'm "meant" to be because clearly both options are on the table for me and will be fulfilling to me either way. What a relief because I have been so scared of missing out on my true purpose.

 

It can be that if you're emotionally secure, it can be easier to trust other people but the truth is either way you have no control over them whether or not you like yourself or not.

 

Trust can be kind of a personal, individual thing in that way, so again that makes me think the primary relationship to be working on is how I feel about myself, not expecting to find some loyal partner. If I'm truly happy as a single person, then why would I ever choose to be dependent like that on anyone, no matter how mutual that dependence is? I guess it's just another way to pass the time until you die.

 

Knowing me I'll definitely want a taste of both in the fullest sense. Meaning, I need to get like a couple fwb I'm like really attracted to, and see how that plays out and be in a relationship with someone I'm really passionate about. At least meeting people is easier than ever. I'm going to try and work harder at it, I'm just a mix of lazy, scared, and easily discouraged. I get these opportunities but I feel like I always mess them up.