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23 yr old in need of advice!

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please bare with me...this maybe kind of long.


i am a 23 yr old college graduate who dated a girl for 3 yrs throughout college. the two of us had the best connection, it was if nothing either of us did annoyed the other. we complimented each other very well. my ex was a very sweet girl however she was somewhat sheltered and the college experience i think somewhat overwhelmed her. though everything in our relationship was perfect. there were a few occasions where she would drink too much (never drank before college) and would end up kissing/fooling around with another guy. it never led to sex however it did bother me quite a bit. she was very attractive so i knew this was a possibilty drinking around other guys my age and having them take advantage of that situation. she didn't even remember doing the things she did. i hated myself simply b/c i would get very upset and say hurtful things to her out of anger over the situation. i was pretty mean to her and never really forgave her for those few mistakes.


anyways, we graduated college this past summer and relocated to different cities 2 hrs apart with the intention of staying together. i unfortunately messed up this past summer and did fool around (no sex) with another girl. i was so happy with my ex but couldn't shake the memories of her doing it to me. it was as if i did it to make myself feel better (bad idea). well, she took it very hard and wanted a break in september. within a few days of this break she had had sex with someone else and is now in a relationship with this person. i couldn't believe it as she's a very religious person and we both take that very seriously. i couldn't imagine her doing that with someone she barely knew. she is still dating this guy but it's pretty clear when we do talk that she misses me.


i know she is not as happy with him as she was with me and i miss her terribly. i have dated other girls but i am so picky......my ex's personality/looks were just perfect for me. she occasionally writes tellling me she misses me too. i honestly think she is miserable....i know her family is very upset over this and will not except this new guy in her life. both her parents know the entire situation.....in way i feel they sympathize with me. we have talked recently and considered getting back together. i just don't know if i will ever be able to forget about what happened with this guy if we do reconcile. i was her first, he was her second. we had the best connection together which is why i am so confused.


i really don't know what to do. any advice?

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Hello Re, and welcome to Enotalone!


First and foremost, by the sounds of your post, my initial reaction was that neither you or her are actually ready to settle down, or to be in a serious relationship. Of course I don't know the whole story, but you've both been unfaitful, and by the way you tell your story, she's been unfaithful a number of times.


It's tough to survive a relationship in college - especially with a girl who you say has always lived a sheltered life. It sounds to me as if she is going through her "experimentation phase" right now. If she's getting so drunk that she's not still able to make semi-rational decisions (like not cheating on you), then I worry that she may be acting out in pretty big way or going "wild" because she has some actual independence now. Anyone who has been overprotected by parents their whole lives will usually end up being the wildest kids in college. Plus, there's no real need to get that drunk; it makes most people feel sick, slow, sloppy, and gross. Once in a while you may go over your limit, but this seems like an habitual thing for her.


There's no telling how long it will take her to develp a sense of self. This is what she's probably doing right now, and there isn't much else you can do besides tell her how you feel. If you do and she resists, then you might find yourself waiting quite a while for her. She needs to spread her wings right now - some people who have always been in school, never taken a break and have always been with the same person since high school will experience a very strong urge to break free from the chains that held them for so long. This doesn't mean that she doesn't love you whatsoever, it just means that her need to be independent and come into her own is stronger right now. Her goals and needs are different than before; basically she's growing up in her own way.

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wow, you hit the nail on the head with that one oceaneyes. she does have quite a bit of maturing to do. she still lives at home and has never really broken free and grown to be independent. i think she did go through her wild phase in college and unfortunately i was with her when this happened. now i just wish i handled it differently, i almost feel like i should have supported her instead of getting upset. the girl honestly does not have a mean bone in her body.....she is just so immune to the outside world and is often taken advantage off due to her immaturity. i know in my heart that we have something very special between us......i'm just terrified to wait around only to get hurt. what if she never grows up? what if she forgets about us and continues on with this other guy? all these questions race through my mind.....i just wish i knew what was going to happen. i wish we could just start fresh.....clean slate.

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