Just my thoughts

[JagzOrDaFlash]

Well it's now been almost about 11 months since my ex left, and well I'm so happy I have still have a place to put my thoughts and frustrations into.

 

It amazes when I look back at the posts I made since last year till know, most of the time I try to avoid thinking and just getting into all that jazz. I wish we could delete past threads, if someone tells me how that would be awesome to get rid of those reminders lol. Well things have gotten better but lately I guess shes been in my mind more lately. I'm pretty proud of myself as it has been almost 4 months for full on NO CONTACT! woo =). It was her birthday earlier in the month, the funny thing is that her birthday is the same as one of my friends so I guess it wasnt too hard to get over that hump.

 

Lately, just the anger has been coming back. Still I just wish for her to be happy and well still at this moment I just don't know if Ill ever want to get back with her even if she was begging me. I don't know, maybe it's the time that has passed that has opened my eyes. Ugh it kinda even honestly just gives me a headache just to get all into it. Just the anger of her cheating on me. Sigh I wonder if that will ever go away or just subside. Lately I've often been wondering about her. And I think it's because she told me that she stopped being faithful to me and pretty much pretended at the start of last year in june. So even though my "break-up" anniversary would be in august I guess to me it feels like it's already been a year.

 

And what a year it was. I still can't believe all the contact she made back to me in the beginning, and how I acted like an idiot again. Finally got my mental state in order and then bam, I hurt my neck in Jan. Time, time, time I guess. Things have gotten better, but i guess it really annoys me that I guess I'm not over her yet, I just have to be patient right? Lately I been missing her but then I realize I think I just miss the company more than her herself. I finally was able to get a job and meet sooooo many new girls, sometimes I often catch myself not talking to any of them that day and they'll ask me like "why are you talking?". And most of the time it's some of them remind of my ex both good and bad ways.

 

I guess I could say I'm pretty content and just going where life takes me, it's just all the small little reminders that kinda getting to me. I'm not gonna lie and I hope I'm pretty I haven't ever put yet that I was over her but all these things makes it exciting and anxiously hard moving forward. Taking steps without her. Also I got really really sick and well the dreams come and go but definitely better as time went on to a minimal but while I was sick often she became the first thought in my head again. Her taking care of me, like dang haha. I just don't really know where I'm at in my healing process, definitely in the later stages as well I can laugh about it, and I honestly say that yeah if you would have asked me about getting with her from my earlier earlier posts I would have said yes but now I've realized she isn't the one I wake up to everyday.

 

I guess it's just a big overwhelming thing to me, all the bad and good, all the good and bad with her. I learned so many things about myself, about her, and about us. Honestly I miss her, and honestly I do hope that one day we can talk and just clear all the bad blood, whether that ever happens is God's will. I don't know my mind always circles and circles so forgive me if my posts are confusing or misleading. I say because I guess well I still am fighting inside myself, just thinking about everything that happened, details are just ahh past stuff now you know so it doesn't really matter but I guess my point is that even at this point I still am not over her. At this point I feel like I guess just new waters.

 

First time time reaching more than ever no contact between us and feeling great and ok about it. Great because I'm proud of my accomplishment but just ok because I guess it still stings that wow she still hasn't called me not surprised but I guess a little. I guess a small part of me just wishes to talk to her but I know that will never happen.

 

It all just falls back like to this one comment I had read on another post which really cemented my status, I've cried but it's weird now because it's like just wishing her, us, both of us happiness tears. Is that even possible? lol

 

But what I read was that this girl, even if she saw her ex and he walked right past her. She could only hope that he would be walking to where he is happy.

Anyways this is it, thanks for reading, just had to put my thoughts somewhere. I can't even type about it anymore because I feel like I'm squeezing my head out thinking of questions and answer questions and answers. Thanks for reading.

 

It's funny the people that come and go in your life. You can only hope and wish them the best as they go on their own journey in life.