Clearing my mind

[DoAVillianEasy]

6 months on and I still think of her, everyday, not to the same extent or intensity as it used to be, but yet she still remains. I constantly torture myself with thoughts that just don't matter anymore. Whilst driving to work this morning I thought of how much she must of been unhappy to finally just turn around to me and tell me it was over.....we both knew that once this relationship was over that we would never see which other again.

 

It remains a strange and foreign thing, a relationship, two people that decide "ok, will just spend time together and get intimate and close" then the next day "goodbye, I'll never see you again but thanks for all that random stuff you said that now means nothing, thanks for all the pointless memories that I now have as baggage, that I can't get rid of, but most of all thanks for just saying that I couldn't make you happy anymore"

 

Probably just me and definitely my prospective of things but I tend to think, or at least try, from a logical and rational point of view but the first time in my adult life I was completely at ransom to my emotions and it was incredibly powerful and overwhelming, I literally could not think of life getting any better, to be honest this experience has changed me and scared me for the foreseeable future.

 

Sometimes I will be sat on my own and just randomly think about her doing what she did best, which was getting male attention then getting plowed.

 

She is definitely a , no two ways about it, not saying it's a bad thing 21st century and all that. Although it still isn't the best thing to think about, especially when your in a relationship with them, I'll be honest I used to have a really hard time with it. Not to mention the fact we used to bump into her previous "buddies" from time to time, I realised how little I knew about a females attitude to wards sex and how easily it is for them to get it but at the same time I just didn't care.

 

It amazes me how feelings grow but more to the point blind you from what's right in front of your face, I said countless times to myself that she just wasn't the one I wanted to spend my whole life with, I used to look at her with such hate at times it was unbelievable, I was cold to her a lot of the time.

 

People would say it's a jealously thing but it's fair more sinister then that, it was ownership, I owned her body and she wanted me too. The way she would describe her as a place where my "belonged" or how her boobs "are yours" how every inch of her body was to be used for my pleasure alone, it's enough to your mind up and trust me it works.

 

But as i say all this stuff about me being cold and distant, she loved it!! I spent years just not really giving a and she stuck by me, trying her hardest to break down my "walls" and get close to me. It's not the fact I'm emotionless because obviously I am not, I just have a funny way about me.

 

Im different from all the other boys, I've often been called a serial killer, axe murderer and all that jazz, mainly because I have a brilliant poker face (a shame I'm awful at playing poker). The ex used to get off on it, said she liked the way I looked. I had a big f**k off beard when we first got together she even nicknamed me "beard" which is funny because as when time moved on she didn't like the beard anymore and wanted me to trim the thing (this is how it starts) little changes here and there and before you know it, I'm basically eating out of her hand and I still think I'm in control but I was wrong.

 

She played a very clever game making me depend on her dependency, always making me aware of how she needs me to do things for her, always trying to keep my attention even when I'm with friends always moaning about something to keep me with her in mind.

 

Crazy how I still think of her to this day, I can't help but wonder if she thinks of me. Rationally, of course she still thinks of me it would be ridiculous to think she wouldn't or couldn't.

 

I'll sometimes just think about the good times, but what bugs me most is when I am having a down moment or a bad time, she still immediately comes to mind.

 

6 months away from her and over 2-3 months of no contact and all the in-between just shows me how little she actually cared for me in the end. It's quite impressive that she just knew that the relationship was not what she wanted and she broke free so easily to no doubt a couple of rebounds and most likely a new relationship with someone, myself and her are two different people. I reflect a tonne and analysis things out of existence, she lives in a bubble and doesn't see a bigger picture which must be comforting in many respects as you don't need to worry about the big when all you see is the small.

 

I feel like she is a ghost, and not the cool call of duty style but an ominous presence that persists, even though nothing between us remains. If it could disappear that would be nice, I am not one for shagging about I never really and still don't fully understand the need for another human being. A willy in a wet vagina is not exactly what I need, don't get me wrong it's great but not something that's overwhelming.

 

In my overwhelmingly old age of 27 I'm starting to get the feeling that I'm quite detached from everyday society and the fact I've been dumped really pisses me off from a narcissistic point of view, she has taken control and I in hate that, she has taken something from me that she doesn't deserve to have.

[Brotherhood67]

It remains a strange and foreign thing, a relationship, two people that decide "ok, will just spend time together and get intimate and close" then the next day "goodbye, I'll never see you again but thanks for all that random stuff you said that now means nothing, thanks for all the pointless memories that I now have as baggage, that I can't get rid of, but most of all thanks for just saying that I couldn't make you happy anymore"

 

Love this part.

 

It's so true.

 

Clearing my mind also : I am definititely better, not totally over her but thoughts of wanting to see and to be with her as a friend, as a lover, as a member of her family died some time ago.

 

I had just one thought of soon-to-become-nostalgia this morning :

 

In one month, she will be in Montreal with her toy-boy. She will probably throw out a big "Goodbye Party" with all her friends before leaving. A huge BBQ-party like we used to do together.

 

And I won't be there.

 

Not that I regret it, I actually enjoy not having any news from her but I put myself in her shoes for this : You spent 8 years with someone and say F*** off to all of your life, you say goodbye to all of your friends and family and the most significant (or at least, important) person in your past life, you definitely forget. You don't even take a few minutes to tell him or her goodbye.

 

Like he was nothing and still is nothing.

 

God I'm happy to be broken-up with her. I'm so much better now, knowing and realizing how she used ma and lied to me througout those years. We don't deserve this. We deserve better.

 

We deserve to be happy. That's all.

[DoAVillianEasy]

It's good to vent happy you joined in!