How do you do friendship with an ex- advice please??

[asmodai]

Hi all,

 

I was just wondering if I could get some opinions. I'll only bother with the essential facts but it is a bit of a ramble im sorry, i'll try to keep it short as possible:

 

My last ex was a girl that i've had a on/off crush for many years. after a long time of not seeing her- she had been seeing someone for the last couple of years, even got engaged and suddenly called it off. I met up with her around this time last year, having never acted back then i thought i'd ask her out, she accepted and we went out a few times.

 

Looking back we worked well as friends, but never really as a couple- i'm sure i was just a rebound guy to her. Anyway, she broke it off after 3 months, i took it quite hard, didnt do anything stupid- but made it clear to her that i was hurt and that i REALLY wanted to talk to her about things (she broke up over the phone a day after we went out together), but she didn't want to meet. Anyway, she said that we could still be friends, and that she'd call and we'd do something together.

 

But she never called, and in a way i was glad at the time because i deeply cared for this girl and wasn't up to seeing her again after what happened.

 

About a month ago, I still cared for her, and rang up a mutual friend of hers and mine to see what my chances were if i initiated contact again and he informed me that she had just gotten back together with her ex (the one before me, the one she was engaged to, but that it probably wouldn't last with her).

 

At that moment my feelings toward her changed- i actually felt free now as I had been thinking about her for months, but that recent news had swept all that away....or so I thought.

 

For some reason I want to contact her again- I believe i don't feel about her the way i used to, but I think we could work really well as friends (not close friends, just catch up once in a while). BUT i'm not sure I can trust myself- like i dunno if I really want to be her friend or whether i just want to 'test the water' for another go at a relationship....

 

Also another issue is that when she broke it off she said she'd call and didn't..... does anyone think its because she didn't want to have me as a friend, or because she saw how bad i took things and knew that we wouldn't work as friends at all???.... She is not the type of girl that would ring me up alot, so i could understand it being hard for her to back up her words... but would she value the relationship so little??

 

And another point is that it would be an awkward time for trying to get a friendship going wouldnt it? - i mean with her just getting back with the other guy, might it be a bit strange for her if i come back on the scene??

 

Thankyou for reading my post, again sorry its so long.

 

Please anyone, I would appreciate your thoughts in this matter. Should i try to contact her and what should i say?? What are your opinons??

[ocean9]

BUT i'm not sure I can trust myself- like i dunno if I really want to be her friend or whether i just want to 'test the water' for another go at a relationship....

 

The above words are very telling.

 

From what you say in your post, I think you are better off without her as a friend frankly. Maybe you are just curious from time to time, and want to know how she is doing, which is normal...but because of the nature of your past relationship with her, the on/off crush and all, I think you are better off staying away from this one. IMHO.

[keefy1972]

I agree with ocean. If you guys are to have a genuine friendship that stands for anything, then she is going to have to meet you halfway. If she isn't calling or making any effort to get in touch with you then it is completely one-sided and unfair to you. You deserve much better than that and should ...and eventually will.. come to expect the effort being put out by her as well. If you are not getting the effort from her now, who is to say you ever will? Let her come to you and if she doesn't, feel sorry for her having lost such a great friend.

[asmodai]

Its been around 8 months now, Well, i never attempted to contact her after the breakup. (i tried for about a week - mainly txts- just to get a few things off my chest that i wanted to say since she wouldn't let me speak to her in person, that sort of thing) Like i said, i took the breakup pretty bad - she said she'd call me and we'd do something as friends on 3 separate occasions, but that never happened and i'm not sure if its because she didn't want me around, or if it was because she knew I had taken things badly...b

 

I never tried to ring her after things had settled down to try to 'catch up' because i didn't feel ready for that, but now i do.

 

I've been going it over in my head and if i'm not 100% sure, then its probably not a good thing, but I can't help missing her.

 

I DONT know what would happen if i saw her. I think you're right, i am just naturally curious, but it seems to me that we had alot of history together, and we seemed to get along great - could talk for hours and never get bored, shared similar professions (shes now a nurse and i'm now a medical scientist) - the last 3 years of high school i had the on/off crush, and knew she liked me too, but was too blind and stupid to act on it back then. Then during university we lost contact until a year ago. I know thats in the past and should be left there, but all id be asking for is to stay in touch -like a few emails here and there, thats about all.. I think its normal to want to keep my options open by staying in touch with her but surely that happens with every ex bf/gf friendship....

 

She really just struck a cord with me, and i'm not sure i can handle leaving her out of my life entirely....is this normal??